It’s funny, how I get overwhelmed, and want to write. It’s how I keep the thoughts from spinning around and around in my head. When I write them down, I can forget them, at least temporarily as I can always look them back up if I need the information. I have found it to be a useful calming and organizing tool for my mental status. It has been an eventful new year, to say the least, and it is only the tenth day of this year. As you may or may not already know, I have spent a lot of time in the last several months contemplating and pondering upon the state of our nation, and the world in which we live today. It leaves me in a bleak place, and a hopeful place. It is undeniable that change is happening, and rapidly! I feel pressure to get RMRR established, and at first glance, it would seem that forces are working against me. I, however, am glowing with faith. I feel so content that despite whatever challenges may present themselves, The good Lord is with me and mine. It seems we have been presented a challenge. I can remember a time when I might have halfheartedly tried to tell myself I knew it would be OK, through tears of despair. Today I find myself in a place of devastation, a situation that should make me want to cry. Rather, I find myself with the desire to sing. To praise Him. I feel like I have a beam of warmth radiating from my chest I have so much peace about the situation and just complete confidence that everything happens as it is meant to. I feel like whatever the reason, there is a purpose behind this challenge. It’s the kind of challenge that most people would be devastated by, and yet, I am thrilled. I eagerly wait to see what door opens for us with this change! I am ready for whatever it may be. I know these things are never what you expect them to be, so I am prepared for anything, within reason. All I know is that it reminds me a lot of Pork. Its kinda stinky, and messy, and dirty…but dang! You just know there is something delicious on the inside. My husband and I made a new catch phrase today. Because bacon’s yummy! That is our reminder that just cause things look less than desirable, or smell less than desirable, dos not mean there is not something nourishing on the inside. Bacon’s yummy, and so is ham, and then there are pork chops…don’t get me started on all the goodness that can come out of that one stinky, messy, sty of a situation. So, our new catch phrase when a situation looks ugly…Bacon’s yummy! And what appears to be a tragedy, at first glance, is more likely a door opening to our future.
Today I went to a meeting as the organizer of a benefit event that we are having for my best friends daughter. She has a rare childhood cancer, with low survival odds, and its gonna be one heck of a shindig. I am pretty excited, but it leaves me thinking about things like my leadership skills. I feel compelled to just keep pressing forward on the Rescue Ranch. I feel as though I need to focus my efforts on one project at a time. One major project anyway. I have two books in the works, and a rescue ranch, not to mention getting my license for therapeutic foster care. I also feel compelled to reach out to other people who need help, with resource counseling for example. I found two jobs today, work from home, in my area, on craigslist. Both of which I am qualified for, and both of which have a pretty small niche for clientele, or prospective persons to fill the role. I find myself in a position of desire. I feel as though I have been prepared for leadership. I am excellent at delegating responsibility, and doing so fairly. I have excellent speaking skills and aced the public speaking class in college. That is one many people struggle with, and I think I am meant to use that gift as well. So, I feel like a leader. I feel like I have much to offer to our community, to our church, and to God…and His work. I feel completely open to letting Him work in me, and I try to keep preconceived notions of where I am going in check, as I realize that is up to Him, not me. I am blessed with a special gift, in which I am instinctively able to give my trouble over to God the moment I realize a situation is beyond my control, and find peace in knowing He will take care of me, and in the hardest of those days, He will carry me. Today, I feel like I am a housewife and a mother, and what an awesome place to be. I also, however, wonder why I would be gifted all of these skills so clearly meant for humanitarian and Christian work, only to sit idle in my house, being a mommy and wife? That question, I am still waiting for an answer to.
I am struggling a tiny bit with a situation in which I feel almost completely alienated from my church, and very lonely among my church family, and yet, every time I turn around there seems to be a subtle reminder that I am not alone. I am able to rationally evaluate the situation, tell you exactly why I feel alienated, and understand that none of it is personal, and still, I feel lonely for that bond that I usually feel among those women. I feel as if I have a ton of skills to offer to our church’s bank of assets, and I have reached out to offer them many times, but I almost feel as if they don’t know me. I feel like the church is my home, but my family is preoccupied with their own stuff, and hasn’t noticed I am in the room. A series of small let downs led to a feeling of huge disappointment. I have no desire to seek another church, but I am not very comfortable in my own these days. Again, I feel as close to my Lord as I ever have, and how do you compare the way the peace that comes with God’s love feels to anything. I am in a strange balance of peace and disappointment. I am enjoying y James Bible study very much, but with the course of events this week, I am a little blurry on the material I have studied thus far. Good thing we have to re-copy the whole book by hand. I will get a lot that way. I enjoy the way Beth puts things in perspective. I feel as though it has been a week full of answered prayers, and one big tragedy that I am confident will be much less tragic than it looks. I find myself desperate for a discipleship mentee… That is odd because I consider myself to be a baby Christian myself. How on earth could I possibly be qualified to disciple someone else? It is also funny because just earlier today, I was crying because the person who approached me and asked me if I wanted to take a discipleship class with her told me that she doesn’t have time to finish it with me. I think I am going to ask another woman I look up to. I really hope she says yes. I feel hungry to do God’s work, and I feel like I have opportunities all around me to help, and somehow, the elders of my church cannot find a niche for me. I feel confident that I could get on a stage and make a difference for someone. Maybe just one person, but it would be worth it to help one person open their heart. I have exceptional skills in raising special needs children, to the point that a random insurance company called me and begged me to get licensed because I apparently have a reputation and my “skills would be invaluable to this community”, but the people in my church seem to blow me off when I offer advice or help. I feel like they dismiss me because I am just a baby Christian, what could I know? I know that they don’t have it right all the time, and I know that my heart seems to instinctively grasp a lot of the concepts about spirituality that most people struggle to grasp. I have a lot of skills and knowledge, and I want to share it so badly…but how? I feel like many of my God given gifts are being wasted sitting stagnant in this house, and I am having trouble focusing on what I have to do hear because I am restless for a change. I am restless to meet the pressure I feel about the ranch, our families health and well being, the ability to grow healthy crops and healthy children. I feel as though I have grown a ton, and come a very long way in my current residence, but I have reached a level I never would have guessed attainable in my world. I have peace and contentment. I see my blessings, and am grateful beyond expression for them. I have managed the goals that this house presented for me and now I have hit a ceiling. I do not feel as though I can move forward in this particular situation. I feel restless and fidgety as I wonder what I am supposed to do next. I feel very alone as I wait, quietly sitting and wondering when, what, where, and how? I think this tragedy is meant to answer some of those questions, even if only on a temporary basis. I know one thing… change is here. I just don’t know what change to expect. All I can do is give it to God and wait patiently. Who came up with that word anyway? Patience! Hmph! Well, if my endless rambling did not put you to sleep, it certainly did me, so off to bed I go. Sweet dreams all, and God bless!---here---