Tonight, I went to allrecipes.com and found a recipe called “to die for blueberry muffins”. They are cooling on the stove right now and I can’t wait to try one! I harvested my first radish of the season and a baby carrot that really was premature but I wanted to call it a baby carrot for harvest sake. Also made some pudding pops…remember those. They were so yummy. I can only hope my homemade ones are as good. I am still in that weird daydreamy place. I so desperately wish that the sun would come out and stay or at least some heat. My poor veggies are drowning. I am in serious need of sunlight. I just don’t function well when the sun doesn’t show. I am having no problem making lists of things I want or need to accomplish….what I am having trouble with is following through with those lists. I have garden stuff, household projects and chores, and paperwork type responsibilities, and really, I just want to daydream about future ownership of land. I cannot imagine how to get there, just have faith that God has a plan for the Rescue Ranch. I have no desire to do the little projects and tasks because I am focused on the big picture…I am sure that if I could focus on those small projects, maybe I could get to that homestead. I am quite ambitious about the urban homesteading but I really look forward to the Rescue Ranch being in operation. I look forward to a reason to be up early in the morning. I love early mornings but it is way to easy to hit snooze when there are no immediate responsibilities. It’s pretty amazing when I look back at how the little details all point to ranch skills. I could never have seen that in my future years ago. I look forward to doing God’s work on a business level. Really, I think I feel like I need a purpose bigger than what I feel I have now, and that I long for the stay at home mom with a job role. I want a purpose bigger than my tiny little family. I long for the opportunity to show others the love of Jesus through caring and compassionate works. Not because I have to but because I wish that everyone could feel the quiet joy that comes from loving Jesus and understanding unconditional love. I look forward to hostessing a Bible study group at the rescue ranch one night a week, and a clothing closet for people in need. I look forward to helping those who need help find their way, and hopefully watching others fall in love with God the way I have. I am really excited about getting together a group of volunteers and dropping off fresh veggie boxes to those in need… I am excited and focused on the future. How do I focus on now so I can get to the future?
Oh it’s so late and I should be in bed, but I am in this daydreamy place and I can’t seem to get my thoughts to quit whirlin’ so I guess I am going to daydream here for a bit. It starts with just one simple thought about my new plants that just arrived, and it spirals into a web of daydreams so entangles that I can barely sort it all out. I think of a bigger greenhouse, and permanent fruit beds…..trees, bushes. I start to think about a day when I can build a hoophouse that is large enough to garden in, rather than my little, great place to start seeds early, greenhouse. Then I start thinking about how much that will cost and how to get there. That takes me to a place where I start dwelling on writing a book and making up my garden planners. Thinking of writing a book and designing my garden planners takes me back to a place where I am daydreaming about buying a home again. Its a vicious cycle. Buying a home makes me think of the wonderful garden I will have one day, and the cute little garden shed I will buy, and the larger greenhouse and sunrooms…..
Permanence. This place is temporary. I don’t think we will live here forever, and every time I plant a bush or other perennial in the ground I wonder how long we will live here, on this rented piece of property. I wonder if we will move in the spring or fall and if I will have to leave them all behind. I think of it as training time. By the time I have my little plot of owned land, I will have lots of gardening skills. This rain may never stop, and then it won’t matter anyway, cause if things keep going this way, I wont be able to garden much longer anyway. I have responsibilities that I cannot focus on because I just want want get to that place so badly. I imagine it is like when you desperately want your baby to walk, only to realize time goes to fast and you want them little again. I used to daydream about a ranch full of animals, but that dream has changed slightly. I dream of a ranch on which I can house animals in addition to doing whatever other work God chooses for me. The Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch is going to be a beautiful thing. I believe it is what God has planned for me. Unfortunately I think I have to write a book to get it and I am in no place to do that at the moment. Well, I may be, but if so, I am having a heck of a time focusing on it. I think I am supposed to write a book about shame. I have also been asked to write a book on raising children with PTSD. Oh now that is a high bar….I am feeling a little unworthy of that task, but the therapist who asked me must have had some faith in me. I can imagine sitting on my porch in my rocker writing to my hearts content. I cannot imagine the other order. My whole life I pictured going down a road that led me to a little secluded piece of land where I could write. I never imagined writing would be the path to that piece of solitude, but recently it seems to have been presented to me that that is indeed the answer.
I don’t know how to make myself do the research. There is always something else to do. I have tried scheduling in writing times, but just cant seem to stay focused on the task at hand. Writers block….better labeled researchers block? I guess I should pray about it. I was quite focused in the beginning, but now it is hard to prioritize time for research and writing. I love to do research about all types of stuff….
I earn a little money here and there doing stuff like babysitting, but this is the first time in my life I have been a stay at home mom and dependent on someone else’s income. That is difficult for me. I have been fairly self sufficient most of my life. It is good for me to earn a little, but what I really want is to earn enough to make a difference. I have spent the last twenty years trying to figure out how to become self sufficient with my many skills. It seems as though you have to specialize in one thing to make enough money to go out and buy big houses to do God’s work, and I often feel like my crafts and writing are nothing, never gonna get me there. Other times I really think I can earn enough money doing things like creating, that will get us there slowly but surely (that is the only real way to get ahead right?). I was always taught, easy come, easy go, so I assume that I am not gonna win a lottery (I suppose you gotta play to win). I get so distracted when I start trying to figure out what to do next…
My house has taken forever to make sense of, but it is finally getting there. I have been successfully managing chores and gardening, and it gets better everyday. Now if I could just get baking, crafts, and writing in there, I would have some completeness going on, and be earning. My “new” husband and I are finally, after almost a year, learning how to live together. It has been an uphill battle but we grow closer everyday. It is amazing how different two people can be and still be so in love with each other. As each day goes by, and I get better at managing a whole family rather than just my child and I. Each day, my husband and I get better at understanding and reading each other. It even occurred to me the other day that I might want to go back to college. I have not had that thought in such a long time. It was right outta left field. I don’t think so though…not right now anyway.
I wish I could get all the things done every day that I want to. I think I need to go back to writing my nightly lists before bed so that I can focus on the next day and work through some of the projects that I have been procrastinating. I am having the hardest time focusing. I hung all the chore charts so hubby and son could help keep the house clean, but that seems to have robbed me of the precious lists that I have become so dependent on in my lifetime. I am gonna go write a list for tomorrow. ‘ Night
Yay! My fruit trees have arrived. I could not be more excited. Altogether I ordered a Banana, Lime, Orange, Lemon, Tangerine, Pomegranate, and Several Cherry trees and bushes…all of the dwarf variety. They arrived today, while I was bandaging my poor dogs feet, which he managed to rip the pads off of playing ball obsessively in the rain the other day. Poor guy can’t walk now and has flaps of foot hanging off. Anyway, I got them all sorted out and planted the babies into some pots. Gotta go get the Nanners out of the greenhouse. It is still too cold here for them poor things. Well, gonna go research my new fruit trees. Progress to come.
Ugh! Today is a weather day. It has been rainy and dreary here now for months…..Not to mention that last summer and the summer before were also both quite wet and dreary. If I wanted to live in the rain forest I would have moved to Washington for Pete’s sake! Our ground is so waterlogged that most of the seeds won’t even germinate, not to mention, in these mountain altitudes, when there is no sun, there is little heat. So this week we get fifty degree days and rain. I looked at the ten day forecast yesterday and Tuesday, June 14th is the next day they have predicted sun! My poor, poor peppers and tomatoes do not know what to do with all of this stinkin rain!
A couple days of clouds quickly steals the ambition right out from under me and I just want to cover my head till the sun comes out…..
Blue light receptors or something…. nonetheless, I get a bit grumpy and cynical when the sun hides for days. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I have plenty of drive and motivation, but a complete lack of ambition and focus. I can make lists all day long of the things I want to accomplish despite the dreary weather, but when I look at them and pick a chore, I wander aimlessly around avoiding any real projects.
We have it much better than ND. Those poor folks are drowning in our runoff….. My prayers are with ya folks! We ALL want it to STOP RAINING! Anymore it seems like all April showers bring, is more May showers, and June Showers…is it ever gonna stop?
Tomorrow is my son’s last day of school for the year. I look forward to some quality time with him this summer. The other day he told me that his best friend (who attends church with us), has decided that he believes in the Egyptian gods, and that he is sad because he really wants his friend to remember Jesus before the end comes. He is worried about missing his friend in heaven. Is that not a sweet thought from a twelve year old boy? All I can do is pray for his dear friend, and hope he finds his way back. Children are so amazing!
I can’t wait for this blog to grow into a large enough domain that I actually have a reason to make tabs, and keep track of the seasons. I sure wish the weather would dry up enough for me to go out and get some photos. I did take some of the front bed, which is going to be a perennial bed. Before pictures from last week. I have since dropped several pots of perennial herb seeds down into the soil, of which, a few have germinated. We might get a spot of sun tomorrow, I will try for some new photos of the herb pots pre growth.
Before I was a Christian, long long before, I often spent time online reading blogs about crafts, sustainable living, and gardening. It seems like I felt like I was constantly coming across Christian sustainability web pages and blogs. By this I mean web pages published or blogs maintained by Christians who are mostly or completely self sufficient. Off the grid I suppose. Now, I go looking for those blogs and I cannot find much. What’s up with that?
My boy wants meatloaf…I want to be lazy, meatloaf it is then. Funny how much you will do for your children. I take way better care of him than I do myself. I insist he eat healthy meals when I can barely stomach them (or maybe chew, can’t wait to get these stinkin teeth fixed). I insist he have a sleep routine when I cannot establish one. I insist he go to the dentist, while I myself procrastinate…. hmmm? Whats up with that?
I am the volunteer coordinator for the local Spay/Neuter task force. Three times a year we hold a local event during which we Spay/Neuter almost two hundred low-income animals for free. I live for this event. It puts some worth into my otherwise, somewhat boring life. This particular event, we happened to schedule for what appears to be vacation week. Five of my regular volunteers have called me to tell me that they will be on vacation for that week! Oh Crap! Not quite in panic mode but not really comfortable either!
I find that i go through a cycle of feeling both blessed by where I am in life and how far I have come, and feeling quite stagnant. It really feels, sometimes, like my life is just a series of naps, chores, and snacks. I desperately wish that my husband and son would help me keep our house clean without me having to get angry or sad. Most of the time when I get angry or sad, they help me out for a day or two, and then right back to the same old routine. I clean all week, and then we trash the place on weekends. It sucks to feel like I have no real worth except to clean up and feed after my husband and son. I want to garden and craft and write a book. I want to take my dogs to the park on a routine basis. Ugh! I want some help. How many housewives feel this way? And yet, as meaningless as it all seems some days, I feel more blessed than I ever have…..Hmmm. Whats up with that? I gotta go make meatloaf!
My goodness, we have had some serious moisture this spring. We have successfully flooded ND with all of our snowmelt. I have had this raging infection in my jaw due to an abscessed tooth! Mouth pain has got to be the worst. I have had the hardest time focusing this week. I got some new seeds, and this great greenhouse, but I can’t bring myself to go out in the wind and rain to garden with this stupid face ache. I find that the more I read and learn about gardening, the more I want to try and the more I want to grow. I have some nasty little army worms that have effectively destroyed one of my Columbine plants this week, but tomorrow, when all threat of rain has passed, they are doomed. I have not been able to get myself excited about the garden this week through the cloud that has come with this infection. I look forward to a bright sunny weekend that is pretty well devoid of obligations other than gardening. I got some cool Cauliflower that I have never seen before, and picked up a few seeds that I had barely heard of before this spring. I also ordered my fruit trees for indoor container gardening the other night. I am so incredibly excited about the prospect of growing fruit in my living room. I have also become aware of how much fruit grows naturally in Montana. I wonder why more people don’t grow fruit here? I need to go to bed. I always find myself at the computer late at night. I am just waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in and the throb to come down to a dull roar. In the am I will have been on antibiotics for twenty four hours and should start to feel some improvement. I am going to try and get some good garden pictures over the weekend and load them to the blog, so I can share my excitement. Have a great night all, and Happy Gardening!