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Cloudy days…welcome

Today is a very cloudy, grey and overcast day. It matches my mood nicely and I am perfectly content with this weather. I have been running non-stop for days, and as a highly sensitive person, that takes a toll on me. I seem to absorb every bit of energy from everyone around me, and if they are in a particularly foul place, it has profound effects on me. I always thought I was weird, until my sons therapist handed me a book titled The Highly Sensitive Person. I cannot remember who it was by, but I do remember that first page and how It made me feel to know I was not alone in needing re-coop time after being exposed to hours of stimulation…

The last week has been non-stop go, and not only non-stop go, which in itself is exhausting, but it just feels like there is this black cloud hanging over the Earth. I feel blessed to have Jesus right beside me through it, but it is hard to enjoy being content when every person in my life is surrounded by this black cloud. September seemed like a particularly gloomy month for everyone I know. It is a lonely place…I am content, but surrounded by people who are hurting, and they all seem to want to talk to me about their hurts…the weight of all that hurt is smothering me. Thank you Lord for being with me!

I think of my sick little friend every day. Today she starts Radiation and graduates to an outpatient, and she and her family will live in a camper next to the hospital for the next six months. Ugh! I miss them so, and would love to just have a nice long chat with my best friend…how selfish is it that I just want to sit down and pour my heart out to her when all of this is going on in her life? So, I sit quietly, wondering what to do with all of these feelings that have become so overwhelming that even writing them down in my journal has become a struggle?

I finally put my garden to bed…most of it. My little greenhouse is still plugging away, as are my few cool season veggies still left out there, but I have the crafting bug and am ready to move my activities inside for a while. I am absolutely thrilled about this gray, dreary day. It is a good day to have some cocoa and do some quilting or beading. The air smells deliciously fresh and I couldn’t have asked for a better weather pattern to go with my mood. I have a quiet contentedness, but also a sense of lonesomeness and I am overwhelmed by the hurts and challenges of others.

I feel a little greedy today. I never win anything, and I usually don’t even try. I was raised under the philosophy easy come, easy go, and I just take it for granted that if I didn’t earn it, I am not going to get it. I rarely register for drawings and other win me type events, but at the bead show I went to this weekend, I registered for a door prize. I keep hoping I will win, but I feel like that is a pretty lame thing to hope for. I would LOVE a big bag of beads to show up in my mailbox right about now… The fact that I can’t quit thinking…maybe just this once I will win something, makes me wonder why this particular drawing is so important? I don’t dwell on things like that…what is going on with me? I can chalk it up to a few things…desperation to get some new supplies and make some items to sell, maybe I have not been feeling very noticed lately, even though I have been busting my butt for everyone I know, and I want to feel less invisible…recognized in a way I guess. I don’t know, I just know I am spending more time wishing on this silly basket of beads than is typical for me.

My mom ordered me a couple of subscriptions to some good magazines and I am anxious for them to get here as well….

I have been filling you with a bunch of random thoughts lately as I struggle to get back on track after the last couple of weeks. I have not been posting about my gardening and baking and preserving adventures. I have not been focusing on the things I mean to focus on and I long to get back in the groove of things. I am happy to have my garden put to bed and be able to focus on the artsy crafty part of my life as the coming days cool off. I have been keeping my camera handy and taking pictures of things as I do them, like fruit leather and apple dumplings, so that I can share them here. I just need some uninterrupted time to do so.

And now I have another venter…one more person that just needs someone to talk to and I seem to be the only one they can relate to. I should take it as a compliment everyone seems to relate so well to me…it just seems they only relate when they need ears…I need someone to relate to and she is really busy right now.

Its funny how people think that because you stay home you have no commitments. I still have plenty of work to do, I just don’t really get paid to do it. It seems as though people who work would realize that there are times of day when you just can’t talk. If I don’t want last minute phone calls for people needing a sitter or help with something or just to vent, it is not a normal day. Lately, I am feeling like I should be focusing on the Ranch, but I can’t get people to get it through their heads that I am WORKING. Writing a business plan is work…despite what anyone else may think. Crafting and sewing take time and focus and I intend for that to be where I start making money to buy this ranch.

It is nice to sit down and spill some thoughts for you but now I must get back to my productivity. I hope you all have a blessed day…until next time.

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Football and Family

Now, I am not much of a football fan, and I even lived in Wisconsin for a while. If you can live in Wisconsin and come out still knowing nothing about football, it is just not meant to be! However, my husbands cousin is looking to be drafted to the NFL and his team played our team for our homecoming game today, which meant family in town and lots of running. I have been gone all day. It turns out there is a bear in the neighborhood, as seems to be the case this time of year, every year. I think it is an apple thing! I returned home to three wildly fanatic mutts! I wonder how close the bear was to our house. It is a little scary taking my dogs out at night for their last potty of the evening knowing that they would try to chase off a bear if they saw it. I wonder…do bears eat cats? Should I lock my kitties in? They would be pretty unhappy with me if I did that. I am in a strange place. I cannot seem to get myself organized. I am having the hardest time staying on task. I get halfway done changing the laundry, and look up and realize I only unloaded half of my dishwasher…go back to the dishes only to realize I abandoned the laundry halfway through changing it. The weather is changing and whenever that happens my jaw aches so bad….

I have been in this reclusive, alone place. It is a mostly good alone place. Just me and Jesus, but still it is lonely, and I long to talk to an adult who can listen to what I am saying without preconceived notions or thinking I am nutty. My loneliness comes from a feeling that I don’t know how to process, and if anyone shares the feeling, they are not sharing it with me.

I am focused on Rescue Ranch activities. I feel compelled to work on that, and yet, I have no idea what is next, or how to get my focus established. The next three weeks are going to be insanely busy, and then the Holidays come. Ugh! I love the Holidays! Don’t get me wrong, but as I get older, I sit and look at life, and how rapidly it moves, and all I can think is that it just keeps getting busier and busier, no matter how hard I try to get a slower pace established in our lives.

My sick little friend creeps into every thought or action in my day. We got bad news on Tuesday…it’s worst case scenario and her chances of beating it are thirty percent! I am ok. It is on God’s hands, but it just feels like all around me people are surrounded by this horrible horrible stuff, and I am alone in my contentedness, and burdened by the heavy weights that plaque my loved ones.

I want to focus on crafting and making money so I can start looking for land for the Rescue Ranch, but I feel like I am always doing something else. I dream of the day I can move into my Rescue Ranch and bring in a foster child… I feel ready, to start fostering teens. I have been made blatantly aware, in the last few days, how desperately I am needed in that circle.

Bible study was a harsh reminder this week of how few adults understand children in turmoil, and it breaks my hearts. I wish I could teach them all…but I imagine that would break my heart. Parents are so resistant to change. It is amazing how little adults respect children,and some of this stuff is so simple its amazing that we have to be taught. It is almost as if we over-think parenting, and just extending our children the same courtesies we extend strangers and guests would increase their functionality immensely.

I am in the process of trying to write three books and a business plan. I feel overwhelmed by each project, and I cannot seem to pick one to focus on heavily. One of them is less of a written book, and more organizing of charts and stuff. Probably the easiest one to focus on, and part of the crafting for farmers market in the spring plan. I really hope to break into the farmers market this spring. I have discovered a venue where I should be able to sell some of my upcycled crafts… A local venue that only sells locally made goods.

I have been trying to figure out how one makes money doing resource counseling stuff. I imagine I will have to apply for grants, as I clearly can’t charge poor people money to teach them how to get on their feet. How do I charge people for appointments I go to with them. For example, I am really good at advocating a good IEP plan within the schools, and I have helped many people get good IEP plans established for their children. This is a time consuming process that requires me going to the schools for appointments with teachers and counselors and parents. If I don’t find a way to compensate for that, I will not have the time to make the things I need to make to earn money to provide for my ranch. Where would one even go to apply for said grants? Wow! Well, a quick search on the internet gave me hope! There appear to be a lot of social service grants available. I think my first order of business is to set up the business plan, as it will be a useful tool along the way, and I can work on the books no matter where I am living. I did some research on property and loans and I don’t think it will be too difficult to get land when I have raised some money.

I have never been inspired to make earrings before, because I don’t really wear them I suppose, but lately, I have been quite inspired to make them, and I have found some of the cutest ideas! I have been searching through a friends magazines, and also on the internet and man there are some cute and pretty simple earring ideas. I already have my mom and my mother in laws Christmas presents planned. I cannot wait to go out and buy the supplies!

I think I get stuck on a lot of projects because I don’t feel like I have the time to finish a project so I don’t start it. I think it may be one of my procrastinating tools….I have a hard time making myself spend a bunch of time pulling out all my supplies and getting everything set up, only to have to put it away in half an hour…. I must break that habit!

I extended an olive branch in the form of cherry tomatoes today. I have so many, and I have an uncomfortable relationship that is prevalent in my life. We both believe that the other wronged us. We have apparently tried to just ignore it away (never works but I guess I will give it a shot). The air is always thick and quiet between us, and everyone knows but acts like they don’t notice. Tonight I asked her if I could bring her some cherry tomatoes… She looked me in the eye. She got excited. She talked to me like a normal human being and it was nice. I still wish she would apologize, but I bet she feels the same way, and I would not know what to apologize for, so I guess I should leave it at that.

I have an order for two quilts. A family member requested them, and she is buying the materials, but I am making them. I feel like I do all of the things that I want to do for a living, for free, and it kills me. I don’t know how to ask my family to pay me for my time, but it is precious. I have stared to branch beyond my family, and well, have been referred to help strangers now. It is coming to a place where I am going to have to learn how to make money doing these things, and I have no idea how until the ranch is set up.

When I was working on my business plan, it occurred to me that I never planned to pay myself. I just thought that every penny that came out of the ranch would go back in. It was a crazy realization that I could pay myself. My first thought was “Imagine what I could do for the food bank if I had income from the rescue ranch besides just going back into the ranch”! I dream of the day I can go to Costco and buy a truckload of food to donate to the food bank or through the church to the community. maybe I could take half of it to the food bank and half to the church…or better yet, maybe I could do two truckloads! I would also love to help the local soup van. That is our communities alternative to a soup kitchen. It drives around, and stops in certain places around town, and hands out meals to homeless and impoverished. When I asked him how he did it, he just said “Alot of prayers”. WoW! That is some awesome faith right there!

The other day I was thinking…How would you word a prayer for The Lord to just work on everyone’s heart. I asked someone in my Bible Study and she looked at me like she thought I was speaking martian. I was driving to Bible Study, and thinking about all of my friends who are not saved, and well, I just wished it made sense to say “Lord, please just work on everyone’s heart. The world is a dark and scary place and we all need you”. It felt ridiculously obvious and vague all at once and I am not sure what I think of the idea. ‘Well, there is something for you to ponder until next time….It’s getting late here and I must get to bed.