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Fighting to beat the odds…

Today I feel as though I am fighting against the world. I woke up in a wonderful, well-rested, and happy place. I am moving along nicely on my deep cleaning of the house, taking at a pace I am comfortable with. It was not to messy to begin with, so I don’t have a lot of pressure about it. I feel like everywhere I turn is a minor malfunction in my day or cynical advice or bad news, and yet…I maintain, however lonely it feels to be the only one smiling. Soon I will pick up my son, and he will be smiling, and I won’t be lonely in my happiness. Even he is being a pain in my behind today. He forgot his homework this morning, and I have to take it to him at school. Oh well… gives me an excuse to check out his latest LegoClub project. For those of you who do not know what lego club is…check it out! It is really a very cool engineering program for kids on a middle and high school level. They use robotic legos to problem solve and design, and then go to a competition once a year at our local college. I don’t know if it is always held at a college, but it is a national program. Here is the address     it is a pretty sweet program for any child that has an engineering mind. They learn how to do things like build and operate the robots that go looking for people in major catastrophes. The problem solve and trouble shoot, and each year there is a theme, such as transportation, and I think this year it was skin. They learn about the theme in their activities. For example, my son’s theme was transportation last year, and they spent the year problem solving ways to fix the road near their school that desperately needs to be redone. They talked about alternate transportation such as biking, walking, and the bus. He learns a LOT!

I am a sucker for the Michael’s two dollar grab bags. I love popping in there and picking up a couple every once in a while. They are always so brimming full of random craft goodies….yes, a sucker I am! Today I bought five….and you guessed it, choc full of craft goodies! A lot of the stuff is seasonal, like Valentines right after Valentines, and Christmas right after Christmas, you get the point, but usually there is a pretty decent assortment. Non-holiday seasons seem to be the best for just good old craft supplies.

I feel like everywhere I go today I have to patiently smile through tiny challenges. I had a good time with my client this morning, but, I almost got stuck there. My husband accidentally took my good set of keys with him on the road. The car FOB I have for the spare set has a short in it, and when I try to arm or disarm my alarm, I have to push the dang button for anywhere from five to five hundred times to get it to work. My car is too smart for its own good, and not very new. The two factors cause problems. It automatically arms the alarm thirty seconds after you get out and close the driver side door, whether I lock it or not. The car will not start if the alarm has not been disarmed with the remote, and if you disarm the alarm under the hood the car won’t start. Without that remote I am not even a little bit certain I will be able to get in and start my car.  Yesterday and today are the only days I should have to go anywhere, and he mailed the keys yesterday, so they should be here tomorrow. What a pain in the behind! “Patience, my child”…I can hear it ringing in my ears like a cathedral bell!

My friend asked me a question about my upcoming plans for a change. I barely got halfway through my first thought, before she interrupted to tell me details about how it’s not going to work. It was slightly frustrating, because she has no idea what I was going to say, but I just smiled through it. “I have a lot of faith” is not a comment she would have truly grasped the meaning of. So far, I have found that when God wants me to have something, no matter how hard anyone else tells me it is going to be to get, it works out easy as pie, so if I am right, and this is what he wants for us, then what is there to worry about? He will lead the way…I know it is true “blind” faith, however, I have seen the hand of God work in ways that I could not begin to explain, without you all thinking I am nuts! I had the privilege of hearing someone say, “you can’t see the wind but you know it exists”, one time…that sums it up nicely for me.

I picked up the first of my cool season veggies today, and I look forward to trying out my greenhouse for the first springtime run. It did awesome last fall. I was done with the garden bug long before the greenhouse was done producing. This year I can plan for it and I am pretty stinkin excited! Last week I did the inventory of seeds left over, and I don’t need to buy much this year, but I always do anyway. I am thinking of asking the landlord if we can put some bee boxes out back…I am not sure if he would let us or not. He is kind of an old fashioned guy, not at all sold on all “that organic crap”. Last year I tried growing stuff in tires. It worked great. He spent a long time one day telling me how I was doing it all wrong, they wouldn’t grow that way, and on and on and on about all my newfangled ideas. I was irritated, but he just a grumpy, ancient man…what am I supposed to say, so I smiled, and was happily, the first gardener I know personally to harvest watermelons out of my Montana garden! Ha take that you grumpy old man. The answer, smother him with veggies…that ought to teach him to tell me I am going to fail! The best part was a couple weeks later when my husband was working with his son, and they got to talking about gardening, and he told hubby that his dad had been telling him about someone growing veggies in tires at our place, and how great it was going! As rewarding as that was…why was he so negative to me? Anyway, this week I am going to plant my cool season starts, and I am incredibly excited about that. I have a plan for my brassica’s. I have not had the means to use floating row covers, but today I had an epiphany about one of my raised beds that htis would work good in! WoooHoooo bring on the brassica’s. Last year the cabbage worms got almost all of them! At the end of the season last year, I scored a bucketload of free planters on freecycle. A local landscaper didn’t know what to do with them all. I am looking forward to my container garden more than ever this year!

Well, on that note, I am going to clean out the greenhouse. You all have a great evening!

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Ahhh change, and a little more sweet relief! My husband finds himself traveling for a period of time, and the guest on the couch has to go. It was already determined that he would leave before hubby did. It just didn’t feel ok to me, to have my husbands best friend sleep on the couch while he was away. It was a good thing anyway. He overstepped about a hundred boundaires while sleeping on our couch for the last month, but the last straw came this weekend when I got a homepage from my internet service provider reporting too much abuse coming from my IP address! Excuse me? How is that possible. Come to find out, that after being asked three times not to look at porn on our son’s computer, by both my husband, and me, he not only looked at some really nasty stuff…titles like sleazydates, but we got a virus. A BAD virus! Are you kidding me? We have been deep scanning my sons computer for two days. It takes twelve hours per round, and the virus attacked the antivirus software and opened up the camera. Oh you can bet I was livid. I was calm angry. At that place that comes after raging, shaking angry. Calm, quiet, ready to punch him in the face angry. I don’t hit. Never have, don’t plan to start now. Seeing white angry! You can bet when my husband looked at me speechless, overwhelmed, and not sure where to begin, I had plenty to say. When my friend started to talk, I told him he didn’t get to talk. We had talked to him about this three times. It was disrespectful to our home, and everyone in it. He not only had the nerve to access that stuff while my respite client was here, and five feet away on the couch, he also knew of the virus, shut down the computer, and went to bed without telling anyone. Oh livid! When I was done, I apologized to my husband and son for what they had heard, and how mean I had been, and my son actually told me he had never heard me be that mean before. I can promise you one thing, and one thing for sure…Messing with pornography and my son all in one motion will get you to my deepest rage. That is a promise. I am a kind, caring, nurturing, and compassionate person. I have even spent a moment or two dwelling that my friend is out there, alone. Not a friend in the world. Lost his wife, his house, his job, in one day, and only sees his child occasionally now. Our other good friends turned their backs on him. He is a good friend, he made a very rude and disrespectful mistake, but I do get where he is coming from, and it most certainly the sin that I hate here, not so much the sinner. Him, I am angry at. The fact that he is lost and wandering in a dark world is not surprising, as it seems the norm when I evaluate the behavior of myself and others coming out of a long term relationship. I am not saying everyone handles loss with porn, I am saying that every divorce or separation I have seen has come with some sort of rebellion and irrationality. That does not excuse his inappropriate behavior in my home, and he knows to stay away for a while.  I was mean, I was vicious mean. Part of me feels guilty, but most of me feels like “how dare he?” I sent him away with the knowledge that he would be replacing my sons computer very quickly if I did not get it fixed, and that I would be sure that happened. I explained to him exactly how angry I was when I could not get to my little friends cancer awareness page, and that he had lied to me over and over and over again. I can forgive almost anything, immediately, if you can be accountable and own it. Lying to me will get you anger, mistrust, and a cold shoulder. People often tell me how big my smile is. Sometimes I am forced to remind them that while my smile is my favorite facial outfit, the rest of my emotions are just as big! Few understand that until they push me too far or see someone else push me too far. I am not a spiteful or vengeful person, I am just patient. I take a lot of crap, but there is a line, and when you cross it, that’s too much crap. I get cold and rational….and smart. That crushing wit I talked about…it leads my conversations with or without my permission. My husband thinks its funny. I think I need to control it well, but I am pleased that I was able to get my point across yesterday, and quite frankly, on a human level, it just felt good to tell him how badly he treated us and to get the hell out of my house…now. I hate it when I enjoy making a grown man cry. Thank God it doesn’t happen often.

The world is in a smoother, more relaxed place now. Bad friend off the couch and outta my hair, hubby off on a far away job, computers both clear and free of viruses and other malware, and the house is in a state of peace and quiet. I have the parental setting set so high in my sons computer, there wasn’t one piece of infected file attached to his account. I had no idea parental controls worked so well. The settings that high also prevent him from operating the camera, and yet the camera was activated, so I think I am just going to put a piece of electrical tape over his camera. My father in law laughed at me, but I saw a tv special the other day on pedophiles, and how easy it is for them to turn on your child’s computer cam remotely, in seconds, without anyone knowing. That scares the daylights out of me. My child is a teenage Aspergers nerd (I say that with the most pride and affection you can imagine). It is just that he would rather play an engineering game than talk to people or look at girls online, but that doesn’t stop people from watching him, and I am NOT ok with that.

I am pretty lazy and unorganized today, but with the start of a new week, I am looking forward to what the days should bring. I anticipate getting some lists made, getting my house clean, getting some crafts done, and getting paperwork responsibilities managed. I think I will get a chance to pamper myself one or two times while he is gone, and I look forward to a quiet, relaxing, clean, home. I think it will take me a week to get to that place. I anticipate the following week to be productive as I work on focusing toward the future and some of the responsibilities that come with getting to a rescue ranch. I can turn the heat up a degree or two, without anyone caring, and I don’t have to worry about my hubby being sad when I don’t go to bed as early as he does. My son’s sleep disorders physically limit this behavior in our lives, and so far we have not been able to find a solution to the fact that he hates to go to sleep without me, but I have to stay up with the boy, and he needs more sleep than I do, so he can’t make it through the week if he sleeps on my schedule. It will be nice to not feel bad about that.

The grocery store near our house is remodeling, and there are so many great deals to be had. I look forward to grocery shopping this week. It seems like everything is on clearance, which is not true, but a ton of stuff is. I LOVE CLEARANCE! It could be a hoarder tendency I think…I am not a hoarder, but I could be with the right amount of space and money…kidding. I grew up without a lot of money, and then was the single mother of a special needs child for ten years. I have a tendency to want to buy things cheap, and when they are cheap, to stock up. I think it is more a survival instinct than a hoarder tendency, since I like it all to be neatly organized and in its place with labels and dates.

I just remember the relief, when I was supporting two on less than four hundred dollars a month, when there was a spare shampoo under the sink for days when I had three dollars to my name. Speaking of that time in my life…if you are having trouble handling your finances, may I suggest Financial Peace University. Dave Ramsey. The man is a genius. I was able to support two people on under four hundred dollars a month, without accruing any new debt, for almost a year. My church paid for the class and materials for me, and I went. It was amazing. Nothing like I imagined it would be. He didn’t tell me I had to quit doing anything, he didn’t set strict rules I couldn’t will myself to observe. He taught me to make common sense changes in my life, in a Biblical way. I will go again and again to the classes (they are free once you have taken it once), and I would recommend, and will purchase the class for people in my future. I have already bought it for one person…my friend whose world was upside down. he didn’t make it through, but maybe when he gets back on his feet he will try again. I will offer these classes to the community when I start my rescue ranch. I feel strongly that the simple skills outlined in those classes can turn anyone’s life around.

Dinner is made and the dishes are done. Son is relaxing for a few minutes before he has to get in the shower and get ready for school tomorrow. Mutts are pottied and quietly snoozing. I have not bothered to turn on the tv today, but maybe I will do that in a little bit for some quiet background noise. I even got some food processed today that was not going to make it any longer in my fridge if I didn’t do something about it. I have roasted a turkey and a chicken in the last three days. That is a lot of white meat in my freezer. I got the clever idea to grind some up for chicken salad before I froze it, so all I have to do is thaw and add condiments when son wants chicken salad for a snack. Here is hoping it works. I tried to press as much of the air out of it as I could. I look forward to a lovely, quiet evening of list making and regrouping myself for my week that starts tomorrow. I love regrouping on Sunday night. A fresh start first thing in the morning is awesome. Especially on Monday morning.On that note, I believe I will go start my nighttime routine. You kids have a lovely day! God bless!

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I hesitate to write this post. I must be honest, I am afraid you will see the “real, raw” me. I have been in this funky mood for two days, and I finally feel the urge to write, but dang, the cynicism is overflowing in a way that I am not sure I want the public to see. My husband says…”your hilarious when you are irritated, i mean, not at me, but when it’s someone else, it’s funny”. He refers to my cynicism and sense of logic. I tend to be more cynical when people are not logical, and the simple but crushing wit entertains him. I am glad it doesn’t come out often…she is not the lady I want to be. She is mean, cold, cruel…calls it like it is with the blatant harsh reality that life is, and can somehow make others laugh doing it…but still, I don’t want to be like her. She has the power to wound people with her words. I want to be a woman who heals with my words and actions. I don’t want to be a woman who wounds people with my intelligence, logic, or wit. I want to use those gifts to serve the world, not shame people…so you can see my hesitation, in writing in this frame of mind. I woke up grumpy, again. Two days in a row of just being blah…

I had a really strange day, and my brain was stimulated in ways that I cannot even begin to put into words at this moment. I heard some of the craziest things ever today. I argued with a Christian…I am a Christian, and it was a frustrating discussion because he could not be rational. He warped everyone’s words to say things they were not saying at all, and when we responded, he just argued more nonsense, all the while, bullying these three women. I fear his judgement was the exact reason people turn away from Christianity…because of the judgement and lack of character he showed today. I was the only other Christian in the conversation, and had to argue with him that he was sinning just as severely as those he was judging…I still believe that I was successful at representing the Bible, and those women, who were not equipped to answer his demands about what the Bible says. Telling a non-Christian what the Bible says is really a moot point, as they don’t hold it as law the way a Christian does. What I have learned is that people come to Jesus through love. They don’t get saved cause you tell them they are killers, sinners, going to hell…whatever it may be. People get saved when they see the joy, love, compassion, and strength that God gives. Every single person that has gone to church with me has joined me because they wanted the peace and joy that I have…and all but one has continued to go to that church, and found their peace and joy in God. The one who does not attend, is saved, knows that the peace is there, but has not found the strength to trust Him. She is lost, but she will find her way back…she longs for it and tells me so. Just show them the peace and joy, and they will come…Don’t judge them, don’t condemn them…that is His alone. Just show them the love, the peace, and the joy.

I am getting back into my personal mode again, and catching up. It has been a hard month…thank God for faith. It is way past my bed time, a problem I have been having all week, and I cannot make myself go to bed. I guess I might be having a slightly ‘manic’ week. I have a ton of things I would like to digest here, but feel the pressure of knowing my alarm will ring in four hours, and I could easily write for an hour if I get started now. What to do? Ten more minutes….Family life has been interesting. After talking to the realtor, I do not feel as though God is telling me I should move forward with the piece of land I have my eye on. It is slightly disappointing, but I am prepared to go down a very different path than I picture. Quite frankly, I am not as disappointed as I thought I would be to get no confirmation. I am flexible…I will go where He leads me. I believe that the more I fight it with my own stubborn ideas, the harder it will be. I think the path of least resistance will likely be the intended route. What does not bend in the wind, breaks, a favorite musician reminds me.

My son resists sleep, fighting a case of pink eye, and now ringing and pain in his ears. Bummer! We have missed all but one day of school this week. Dear Lord…please, no ear infection, Please!

It’s time to plan the danged garden…but it just started snowing…I am unprepared for this feeling.

Hubby took an unexpected path, and once again, life will be completely separate from the norm, but we will adjust quick. I will try to get on in the next few days with a better update…until then, God bless you all and have joyful adventures!


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Ahhh…sweet relief!

Relief…where do I begin? I woke up this morning, in a strange town, in a strange bed, with pillows taking the place of my husband. Thankfully, I felt well enough to go on my adventure, but today was the first day I had no pain and swelling was minimal. I am blatantly aware of little blessings today, and the relief that they bring. It was a HUGE relief to wake up this morning with no pain and minimal swelling in my face! Yay for eating what I wanted to today! It was nice to not be constantly bothered by the throbbing in my face!

Our drive was uneventful and nice. We made it to our destination in great time, and had a lovely time. My roomie was a great person to “bunk” with, and it was all around pleasurable. Our day was a smashing success, despite little challenges all day long, and we managed to spay and neuter over a hundred and twenty animals. I would say that most certainly falls into the relief category! The clients were awesome today, no impatient pet parents trying to tug their still anesthetized dogs off the floor in an effort to unsuccessfully convince me that they are ready to go home. I LOVE patient pet people!

As concerned as I am about the lack of precipitation this winter, it snowed today. Quite a bit. We got so many phone calls and text messages telling us that is was nasty out, and the roads were twenty five mile an hour road conditions all the way home. They were a little disturbing. Go figure, it waits till I am out of town to snow a bunch, and now I have to drive back in a seventy something van that really needs to be replaced, and being a non-profit, we just don’t have the money, so we drive it till it dies…hopefully not in a snowstorm! One of these days, maybe we will be blessed with a donor…for now, we just keep praying we make it to the next event, and home! So, we drearily heave our exhausted bodies into this van, unenthusiastic about the dreaded drive home through the treacherous storm. It’s gonna be a long night! We have what should be a three and half hour drive ahead of us, but through weather predictions, and in this ragged old beast of a van, we are looking at a six or seven hour night, minimum! Oh my! Imagine our relief when we found the roads to be dry and clear all the way home! Twenty three miles out, we had to get off the interstate, and drive local roads…at which point the concern became apparent. There must have been an inch of ice under that snow! Still, we are tired, cold, hungry, and still have to drop off the van at the storage unit, pick up coordinators car, drive to her house, start my car, scrape my windows, wait for it to warm up, and drive another fifteen miles on those icy roads to get to the comfort of my home.

Ahhh…familiar roads. I could drive them blindfolded…such a relief! The light pollution reflecting off the newly fallen snow, was just enough to highlight the range that reminds me I am home, and at this point all I can think about is greeting my husband in a few short minutes, and kissing my boy goodnight. I spend the next half hour winding my way through the frozen streets, slipping and sliding through every take off from stop. These roads are awful! Thank God I have my family, and wonderful pets to daydream about, while my eyes are riveted on every little obstacle on the road between them and I. The only thing that matters is that I get to them, and it is relieving to know that they are only moments away!

Now you must know that the sweet relief of pulling into my driveway was so overwhelming that I had my door open, and was stepping out of the car, before I realized that I needed to gather my belongings, and shut off the car. I pulled my foot back in, gathered my things all up in one big armed trip, and trudged my way through the snow to my freshly shoveled sidewalk. I entered my home to find a pack of mutts so excited to see me that I could not find a place to set my bags. My husband could not get near me. That statement is not fair, unless you know that I have well mannered dogs, who know that I am going to take my jacket off and put my keys, purse, mail, and whatever else I may be carrying, down before they get attention. While they may follow me around the house until they get my attention, the rarely get in my space before I have room for them. You must also realize, that while they most certainly recognize my husband as the dominant male in the house, I am the dog handler, and the one whom they are with all day every day. It was me who trained them, and it is primarily me who potties, feeds, and exercises them. I am their pack alpha, and I left them for almost a full 36 hours. I swear they thought I was never coming back! Even my two cats are willing to sleep snuggled up in the same vicinity as the mutts in an effort to grab a miniscule piece of my attention. All I want to do is kiss my husband and get out of those snowy wet clothes. Hours later, I am still chilled to the bone, and I am about to revisit that hot cocoa craze I have been in. The guys did not destroy my house (they didn’t do dishes either, but who cares, I am just happy to have them), I got my kiss, got out of those snowy, wet and cold jeans, and into something much more cozy and comfortable, got another kiss from my hubby, and went to find my boy for a goodnight kiss too… Until tonight, I am not sure I realized how much I appreciate a kiss from the ones whom I truly deeply love.

Pets sufficiently appeased…for the most part, hubby off to work now, which is ok. The cold is outside, and I am in. All is well. I am going to snuggle down into my cozy warm bed, thank God for the wonderful outpouring of relief on my day, and sink into the sweetest relief of all…pure, delightful, in my own bed, with my own pillows, best kind of restful, oblivious sleep.  Sweet dreams, my friends, and may you all enjoy the kind of deep slumber that I anticipate for myself on this ever so blessed evening.

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Ahhhh, finally, some relief. The last two weeks have been pure torture. I cannot even begin to express the pain that I have had in my face. For several years now, I have had a tooth or two that need root canals. I have no dental insurance and have not been able to get them done, so I just fight off the abscesses when they come. Three weeks ago a virus came through our house. Everyone got it and healed, except for me. I got a bunch of the sinus crap, which led to an abscessed tooth. I also have TMJD, which is aggravated by such things as cavities, pressure, stress, and well, anything that causes swelling in the face. I usually use my Neti pot, MMS, and a variety of other home remedies, to clear it up. This time was different, however. I have undergone the most excruciating pain for the last two weeks. None of the things that always work would touch it. I finally got some antibiotics two days ago, and my face feels a whole lot better, but it still hurts. And, it looks like someone punched me in the jaw. I have a huge bruise that protrudes from the side of my face right on my jawline. Looks like someone clocked me with a baseball bat, but I would call this pain level two compared to what I have been going through. That says a lot. I was still in a great deal of agony last night, so I went looking for more home remedies…I found one that worked pretty good, and I am the most comfortable I have been in two weeks. Keep in mind I have even stooped to prescription pain killers and muscle relaxers combined, and they did NOT touch the pain! I don’t take those things unless I have to…I don’t like the way they make me feel. I went to acupuncture, which has NEVER, EVER failed to take away the pain….except this time. Ugh! So, if you are wondering, the remedy that worked was to put a tablespoon of baking soda and a tablespoon of salt in a dish. Damp some cotton balles with warm water, and pack three to five of them dipped in the mix around your infected tooth and gum. Leave it for thirty five to fourty five minutes, but not longer. When I took out the first ones, nothing on the cotton, but the “marble” in my jaw bone moved up into my gums. I did it a second time, and when I removed the cotton, they were disgusting! My jaw has felt a lot better since. It is still hugely swollen and looks like a blood blister under my tooth, but I tried the salt and soda a third time to see if I could get more out, and it was just too harsh and raw. That salt really tears your mouth up if you use too much, but I will do this again at some point today. You have to be very careful not to swallow, and I just kept a big towel in my lap to spit into while I was watching tv trying to ignore the throb. It is very hard to ignore the throb, but you can feel it working and the throb quickly subsides as the ick drains into the soda and salt paste. Afterwards, I rinsed with warm water and then peroxide…Wow, new woman today. Pain level two or three with NO painkillers or muscle relaxers. Still hurts to do anything with my mouth at all, including swallow or kiss or eat. I am on the mend for sure though!

I can only hope I will feel better by Friday, when I will be taking off for my second out of the area spay neuter task force event. I usually just do the ones here, but my coordinator finally invited me along…Yay! There are only a few dogs, so I don’t know what I will do when I am not on recovery? I guess I will learn something else. Maybe I will be fortunate enough to work with a vet!I look forward to that a lot. I really enjoy my time with the spay/neuter task force quite a bit.

So, I have been drinking hot cocoa like crazy the last three days. I make my own hot cocoa, and my family prefers it over store bought, but we have a weakness for those silly little marshmallows. I finally figured out that I could buy a bag of marshmallows, and dehydrate them in my food dehydrator, and get a similar effect, to  add to my homemade mix! My boys will be delightfully surprised!

I have been doing a lot of sleeping since my face got sick, and I want to stay motivated today…but I am already considering crawling back into bed to nurse my poor face. I finally understand why I have not been able to focus at all the last two weeks, and it is kind of a relief to start to feel my brain coming back to me. The sun most certainly increases my pain! I am now weighing heading to the living room to veg out in front of the tv, something I rarely do, or crawling into bed. I have spent so much time in bed the last two weeks, tv might win!

All right, well, I am going to go nurse my wounds one way or the other. Have a lovely day all!

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Isn’t it strange how one day you can have so much clarity, and the next you are wondering if you have any of it right? My world has been upside down for almost a month now, and inside out for a couple of weeks. It has been an interesting course of events, this past month. It finally snowed here. I read on the news the other day that the rest of our state got 15 inches last week, but it skirted right around us. I live in the foothills of the mountains in Montana and it has snowed three…yes three times this year. What is going on? Regardless, we got a bunch of snow yesterday. Hubby worked hard plowing for 19 of the last 24 hours, and is now trying to get in a snooze before our valentines date at the church tonight. Poor guy is beat!

I have had so many strange turns of events the last few weeks, and most of them jive with everything I perceived happening around me, with little exceptions. Hubby is looking down a path that, should he follow, will change everything about the location I was hoping was the plan for the rescue ranch. He may have an opportunity to grow in his career, and within a certain reasonable limit, I completely support him doing whatever he feels called to do with his career. I also have my mind open to the idea the God will take me wherever I am supposed to be, and I just have to trust Him, so if hubby’s job takes him elsewhere, then I guess I am meant to do the rescue ranch elsewhere. All my adult life I have felt called to a place just a few hours North of here, and I am very open to the possibility that I am supposed to take the rescue ranch up there… If hubby is transferred, I would be forced to conclude that this is the case.

My world has been overwhelming. I allude to the Highly Sensitive Personality type often, and today, this factor comes into play in my life again. With a guest on my couch, and his crazy dog to boot, life has been overwhelming. As a highly sensitive person, I require a great deal of “down” time, or “recovery” time. It is exhausting to me to be around constant noise and stimulation. I am a person who can happily sit in a candlelit room and do nothing at all for long periods of time…

I have a friend in need, who does not understand what comfortable silence is. One who cannot sit alone for five minutes without some kind of stimulation, even if it is a book or tv. I have never seen him just be still. Our world’s are foreign to each other, and it makes me realize how much my husband and I really do have in common. We have dogs. We are pack people. My husband and I joke about how much you appreciate the pack members you chose when a stray shows up…

I never realized how much my husband and I have in common until this friend showed up, and took for granted things that neither my husband, nor I, would ever consider as guests in anyone’s home. I realized in little behaviors, how similar hubby and I are as far as things like attention to detail, self direction, common sense and logic. I am so very thankful that my hubby needs quiet time as badly as I do. He is not a Highly Sensitive person, but he does get overwhelmed fairly easily when he gets no relax time.

I spent the last week getting more and more overwhelmed. I finally had a complete breakdown a few days ago, after a series of uncomfortable events, and sat down and wrote about fourteen pages of prayer, asking for guidance and wisdom in my situation. I asked for patience and understanding from hubby while I presented my issues, and I just put it out there for Him, raw. I slept on it, got up in am, waited till hubby was ready, and brought it up through tears. Hubby was patient, understanding, and not at all defensive. He addressed the issue immediately. Unfortunately, the issue came up again, and I had to address it myself. I had really hoped that our guest would respect my husband, but he did not, and I had to confront him. I hate confrontation. I am not good at it, but it worked, nonetheless. My issues are resolved, I feel like my home is a home again, and that is big considering last week I felt like it was the evils ones dormitory! I started my conversation with my hubby by telling him that I was trying to glorify God, and I felt like we were living in a dark cloud of sin, and that God was not at all happy with the goings on in this home, and that we would not get to move forward while we were living this way. That got his attention and he immediately handled it. I feel like I have a Christian home again, and that praying for guidance and approaching it the way I did really helped to avoid an argument. I am so thankful that my husband wants to glorify God as much as I do. That makes things much easier.

Meanwhile, there is so much going on, and so many thoughts in my brain about what I should be doing, where my goals are, what I need to be doing, what I want to be doing, and just little ideas about life, that I cannot seem to get into that place where I have a grip on it all. I used to make a list or two every night before bed. I have not been able to bring myself to do that in almost three weeks. I just can’t seem to get focused, and I am not sure what to do about it. I used to have a stretching routine that I did when I was overwhelmed or just needed quiet. I have not done it since I moved into this house almost three years ago. I think about it once in a while, but I just never get around to it. I think it would help me greatly to reinstate that habit in my life. I feel like we are close to a place where we get to move forward on our path, and I really have the strangest desire to just start packing up my stuff and making sure I am all sorted out and ready to go when it is time. I know that is silly. Buying a house takes months, and I will have plenty of time to pack and get ready and sorted when we make that leap, so why the sudden desire to start packing. Maybe it is because I am picturing it wrong? I assumed when we moved, we could take as long as we wanted to move our stuff from this home to out next, as it is not rented and there is no real hurry for us to get out. I always picture moving being a two or three week event of taking things as we were ready for them at a nice leisurely pace. Who am I kidding? I have moved a lot and never has it been peaceful, relaxing, or leisurely. I don’t know why this strange urge. Maybe it is just because I need to do some compartmentalizing and that seems to be an effective way. I had a high school English teacher once, who had us write our name on the middle of a piece of paper, draw a circle around it, and the draw lines to smaller circles projecting out from the center, descriptive words and phrases about the topic. I feel like I want to do a huge chart like that. I have a lot of separate issues that I would like to do that with, but they all tie back to one or two main jumping off places. I have tried a couple of times, but it is just too much, I can’t fit it all on one piece of paper. Maybe a notebook, full of pages of those diagrams? I started a notebook of lists, but I don’t know where I have placed it. There was even a list of lists I want to make in that notebook. What a weirdo!

Normally, this time of year, I would be obsessing impatiently about my garden. For some reason, this year, I have no desire or drive to even think about it. I am not sure if it is because I am still waiting for winter to happen, or if it is because I don’t feel like I can get a grip on my indoor projects this year, much less planning outdoor ones. This winter has been weird. We have all been sick more than normal, there has been no snow, life has been turned upside down and inside out. I feel like I have completely lost crafting time as part of my routine, and I have not done most of the things that I enjoy doing all winter long. I haven’t even flipped the power switch on my sewing machine. I have dug through the patterns, gotten distracted and walked away. So far very little baking or cooking, and well, I just really don’t know what happened to this season. I got a rough draft of my business plan kinda written, and well, as far as I can tell, that is about it. I guess I spent a good portion of November and December very ill, and got nothing done those two months, but still, what happened to this winter? Oh, I also pulled off my first fundraiser, successfully, so I guess I should give myself some credit, but I feel all outta sorts, wondering how to organize the mess of thoughts in my head.

Now that you have wasted a good portion of your day reading through the very mundane thoughts in my head, I hope that you have a lovely afternoon, and hopefully I will have something more profound next time! God bless…