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Ready to go…

Oh my goodness! What a fabulous few days it has been since I have last written. I have two girls, on the same page, who think so differently, and they are going through the same types of things. They both turn to me for an ear to listen, and I love sharing my perspective! I always learn so much, and I can always find a time in the conversation when perspective changes. It is incredibly rewarding, and God equips me with words I could never have found on my own. Some of the profound things I come up with in these conversations shock me, and I know it can only be God, equipping me with the words that they need.  It is as much intended as a lesson for me as my conversational counterpart, I believe.

I have been inundated with little tidbits of good news today. My weekend was fabulous. Far too fast, and I actually got tears in my eyes and had to get another good long hug when my hubby left this time, but he surprised my be telling me that if he got a weekend off, he would come visit me at my moms, which is only a half hour further away than our home, its just the other direction. Awesome!

A cousin whom I admire deeply also informed me that she had plans to try to fly out, and ride back with me. Her home is at the halfway point, and it would be nice to have her with for the first part of the trip!

My cats nasty, nasty wound is clearing up very nicely. I was worried for a few days that I may have screwed her up for life, but the scab fell off and it is healing beautifully. I have always had a good instinct for these things, and I know when I need a vet, and what I can probably hack. I had a moment of worry there for a minute, but it passed and she looks great.

I spent the day working on preparations for my trip home on Friday. I got a lot done. My car is in top notch shape, got a tune up and oil change, and my boy and I spent the day detailing it and cleaning it up nice. Perfect, its all ready to go. I am checking the chores off the list and moving forward with my preparations. It should be a good week, and it should fly by. It was a hundred and six degrees today, and I am beat. Cleaning the car in the hot sun will wear you out quickly!

My house is pretty clean, just a little maintenance to get it up to par for a vacation. Made arrangements for a plant and cat sitter, and I am getting everything in order to leave for an extended period. It will be nice to come home to a clean, organized home!  A fresh start to routine and moving forward with rescue ranch plans!.

I really look forward to traveling with my son! He and I have not taken a big road trip since he was very little, and it should be quite the adventure! I hope to do some poking around in the Black Hills,and see some touristy type stuff that I would not normally stop for. I will be sure to take lots of pictures!

It has been a long, productive day, and I am exhausted. Many blessings friends…until next time.

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Lifted up

Oh how lifted up I feel. I spent a couple weeks in a turmoil fueled by anger. I fought and fought, but just couldn’t seem to get out of that funk. I finally sat down and wrote a very long, very humbling prayer. The next two days held a series of challenges and changes, and now I feel as though I have returned. I have spent my day in deep conversation with a very dear friend who has been struggling with what she believes for so long. It was a fabulous day! We discussed God’s light and love. We discussed the roles of wives and husbands, and where God stands in it all. Most women are so reluctant to understand the idea of submitting to their husbands. Our church happened to present it in a way that made total and perfect sense to me. A sense of freedom. A freedom that most people cannot even grasp. My girlfriend was so excited to learn about the proverbs 31 woman. She was thrilled at the idea of becoming a woman after God’s heart. I was so incredibly thrilled to hear all of this. She wants a man who puts God first, but realizes she has to be a woman of God to find that. I am so incredibly excited for her! She is beginning the journey of her lifetime!

Meanwhile, after spending a day talking about God’s love and light, well, I must say, I feel absolutely lifted up as well. I am looking forward to the next few weeks, and so incredibly thankful that I was able to ask God for help finally. It has been a really long two weeks. Argh!

He was there, just like He always promises, with a hedge of protection, just waiting for me to ask for it. After two days of checking myself and making sure I was remembering the very simple things that I know deeply and took for granted, well, I feel like myself again! Oh man…it has been long. Thank You, Father, for pulling me from the wreckage! Immediately the ways in which I am so used to doing my work for Him started to pop up in my life again. Immediately, I have calls and messages coming in with questions about the Bible. I have a respite client (and oh! Thank you that they didn’t need me the last two weeks, as I have not represented so poorly in quite some time). I am crafting, beading, cooking, cleaning, and baking again. I am writing and keeping up with my responsibilities. Oh, it feels so good to be back!

I am looking forward to the next couple months, and getting started on that rescue ranch. I am really excited about an abundant garden, a clothesline, simple things.

A little canary has adopted me. I think it is a canary. It is most certainly a tiny house bird, and it is very pretty. It is also banded. It comes up on my porch whenever I am outside and talks to me. It sits on the plant hanger and talks and talks to me. I believe it is asking me for help, and I am going to get a cage and invite it in when I get back from my trip home. My neighbor agreed to feed it for me while I am gone. I am going to try to find its home, it is a banded bird, and I bet someone is looking for it. Oh it is so pretty, and there is no way it will make it through the winter here. This bird has been a gentle reminder of God’s compassion for the last few days, and I think it came to remind me what I am supposed to be doing…

This little bird captivates me, but it feels different than the average bird, and even my dog takes notice when it lands in the bird feeder. She shows no interest in the doves and chickadees and finches feeding in that feeder, but when that little house bird shows up, she also becomes captivated by that feeder. I am glad the bird knows that this is a safe place. It makes me feel safe that God trusts me with His little ones.

I am so excited about the journey that awaits me the next few months. I cannot wait to see the ranch home that God blesses us with, and meet my first foster child. I am excited about my garden and crafting space and chickens too, but first, I have to go home and see mom. I am VERY excited about my journey back to the place I once called home next week. This weekend should be very nice, we are going to hit the state fair to celebrate some birthdays, and then when we come back, hubby will head off back to work, and I will spend the next four days getting all my affairs in order to leave for a week and a half. I am not sure about my cats. I will have to keep them locked up in the house, but that means having someone over to feed them and clean the boxes…the one person I feel really comfortable asking that of, is not going to be in the area at the time. I have faith it will work out. That week is going to come and go so fast, and then I come home and redirect for a whole new journey.

Oh how I have longed for that path. I have waited and waited. I have researched and daydreamed, and written countless words about that day, and it is so close. Mostly, today I am filled with God’s love, and I am just happy to be here.

Blessings my friends…until next time.

 

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Getting a grip

Good morning friends. It is a fabulously beautiful Monday morning, and I am quite happy to be here. For the last several weeks, I have been thrilled to be released from that period of rest, but I have been struggling to find good ole me. I have had this cloud hanging over me, and I have been fighting it with all I have, but I am afraid I just can’t get it to clear. I miss my happy, hopeful, see the best in everything attitude. Today is the day I have been looking forward to for weeks, because today I get some down time. This week, I get some down time, as far as I can tell. I really, desperately, want to use that down time to get myself focused, back on track, and back into the habits and behaviors that lift me up. I wrote a very long prayer in my journal last night, asking for help, because I have been trying to pick myself back up for weeks now, and clearly I am not strong enough alone. I feel ashamed of the way I have been behaving, especially my rotten mouth! I cringe as the ugly words come out, knowing that I am offending my wonderful Father and creator, and yet, I cannot seem to stop them. I want to make Him proud. I always know He loves me no matter how ugly I might behave, but dang, I don’t want to disappoint Him, and I know I have this month, for sure! Oh Father! I am so, so sorry for my ugliness! Please help me to be strong and resist it!

Today I hope to take back my self. The girl who is proud to serve her Father and really cares what He thinks. I have been an impatient, snarly, intolerant beast for weeks now, and I desperately want that kind, compassionate, caring girl to return. I have no idea where she has gone, but I miss her! I think that the biggest piece of fixing this is going to be finding the missing routine. Since the day my rest ended, I have struggled to establish that routine, and I think that is the key. My house is messy, my thoughts are scattered, and my sleep and eating schedules are…wait, what schedules……   I truly believe that I will be a much nicer, more tolerant, and generally nicer person to be around, if I can figure out how to get that back on track. Meanwhile, I want to hole myself up in my home, so that no one else has to be exposed to this woman that I don’t even enjoy being around. The other day someone told me my aura was shining bright white all around me. All I could think is…I am so unsettled these days, that can’t be good. SO I came home and looked it up. Lo and behold, white is a sign of chaos or sickness. It is a sign of unbalance…go figure. I felt validated at least. It is not my imagination that I feel so incredibly out of tune. I have some pilates and tai chi routines I want to get started in, and I think that it would help me tremendously to be getting up at five am again, and doing these routines before I start my day, but I haven’t gotten up that early since school got out. I am really looking forward to school for that one simple reason. Routine. I get so tired and exhausted with the sleep disorders really keeping me from getting enough sleep during the school year, but at least we  have a routine and something to gauge “normal” by.

This unending heat has not helped me either. I am an HSP (highly sensitive personality), and I don’t like extremes! I don’t enjoy twenty below any more than I enjoy a hundred degrees. I want the extremes to end. I live in a mountainous climate because I enjoy the mild summers they bring. This hundred degrees for six weeks business is a bit more than I can handle. At least when it is cold, I can stay inside or put on more clothes. In the heat, there is no relief. It is most certainly contributing to my anger. I feel like there is anger in me, and I guess if you put together hot and anger, well, it makes sense. Days when it is gray and cloudy and even a bit rainy, I am smiley, happy, productive. I really do not enjoy high heat! Neither does my garden.

My garden is so sad. Nothing grows when it is this hot. My tomatoes are stressed and my cucumbers keep making female flowers, but the males aren’t opening up…frowny face. Raspberries, however, are ripening faster than we can pick them! Always a blessing!

Today, I hope to begin to reclaim myself, to get back on track. To start the process of getting a grip. Wish me luck friends. Help me find my mojo again! Many blessings to all…

Until next time.

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Spay/Neuter satisfaction

WooHoo! With two vets today, we managed to spay and neuter a hundred and one animals. We worked hard, it was hot, and everyone was fighting the crabbiness that sets in when heat swelters around you for so many days on end, but we kept a generally positive attitude, through all of the challenges that come with organizing an event like this. Lets face it, you cannot fix that many animals in one day without a few challenges, and today was particularly challenging, but oh man, it is oh so rewarding to go home and think of all the animals that we helped today. Their people are so gracious, most of the time. I could go on and on about my feelings about the different types of pet owners, but maybe not today. What I will say today though, is that I am particularly thankful for pet owners who are patient and compassionate. I am thankful for the ones who are happy to help in any way they can, but I am especially thankful for the ones who are happy to sit there as long as their pet needs to sit. Some people are pulling and tugging their doped up dogs across the floor trying to force their legs to work despite the Ketamine. Some people insist that there is just no way their dog can ride in the front of the car on the way home, some insist all kinds of weird stuff. but most are happy to learn, have questions, want to know what their dogs are going through, and are patient and kind. Those are my very favorite people! Most are thankful. Most are grateful. Most go away with a smile and a gracious thank you. Some do not, but it makes the rest so much easier to appreciate. I love when it feels good to thank them for coming. I love knowing how much difference we made today. I have my hang ups, but this is neither the time nor the place. I do look forward to being in charge of my own stuff in the future more often. The cancer benefit I did for my girl, well, after some time pondering on it, I became blatantly aware of of how generous this community is, and how much I am capable of, and I look forward to being able to pull off events that are as organized at that one was.   One thing I am very pleased about is my wonderful set of volunteers. I have managed to establish a very dependable set of volunteers, who know what they are supposed to be doing and where they belong.  It took years to do, but I am proud of them. I realized that it was a product of being able to weed out the names that are on every volunteer list and call them first for every event. I invited one of them to join the committee tonight. I need help, and that is all there is to it.  Any way you look at it, todays event was fabulous, and I walked away with a great sense of satisfaction, and a strong desire to come home and work on my own non profit programs. Tomorrow.

Today, I am beat. I am tired. I have nothing very sensible to say. I am hot and sticky and I am replaying the event over and over in my head. I have a bunch of details I am hung up on and I really should be writing in my journal so I can put them behind me. Some of the negatives of the event are weighing heavy on me and I need to find a productive way to process them and decide what to do with them. Do I file them away, and continue, or do I remember them, move on in my life, and give this project to someone else? I am pretty sure I am not ready to move on yet. I really love this job. Even on a volunteer basis, I cannot imagine not getting to be in there, recovering all those dogs. It is all worth it for the ten hours I spend recovering and caring for incapacitated dogs. I would pay someone to let me do that…so, I can’t imagine walking away from this opportunity, so I need to figure out how to deal.

I am very thrilled that this event has passed. Some basic clean up stuff tomorrow, return coffee pots, the van, meds, etc. I am ready to wrap it up and call it done, and move forward with this very short, hot summer. I look forward to going to see my mom, but now that the event has passed, its a mere week and a half away, and wow! That is quick. I have a lot to do before I go. Especially if I want to come back and find a ranch asap. All of a sudden my brain is flooded with a whole new series of thoughts. I cannot wait to see my mom. I am looking forward to the fact that we have nothing planned. I love the idea of sitting next to her pond and putting my feet up while the dogs romp and play, and of course, my son will love it in grammas big ole backyard, with trees he can climb and a pond he can play in. Oh it will be so relaxing. No running around, no tourism, just chillin at moms! yay! I love that my mother and I have reached that wonderful place. It takes some mom/daughter teams a lifetime. Some never master it, but my mom…hands down my best friend! It was not so long ago that that was not true. I remember very clearly when my therapist looked at me and said “Oh, it’s always mom’s fault”. She was very condescending. I doubt she meant to be, but wether she was going through something of her own, or just calling it like it is, it stung. She was partially right, and partially wrong. Some stuff simply was moms fault. The big difference between then and now, is that I have learned that mom worked with the tools she had, just like every other person on the planet, and well, what else can I say? Can’t really not forgive a person for anything when you realize that. She did the best she could. She did all she knew how, and even through her failures, she still only wanted what was best for us, even if she didn’t know how to get it or even what it was. I realize now that she never loved anyone like she loved her children, just like every mother. I realize she had a shame platform, much like my own, and as I healed mine, I saw hers unfold in front of me and every “mistake” I ever thought she made, made some sort of sense. I realized that I took stuff personal that she was not even aware she was doing, and now, I realize its not personal, and ask her if it is a behavior she is aware of. It is lovely! We are honest and candid with each other, on a deep and trusting level, for the first time ever, and in the last five years. It makes me feel joyous inside! I look forward to going home, to say the least, but really only want to see my mom. I suppose I have friends who will be angry, or have hurt feelings, if I don’t call them. I will try my best to be a good friend, but I am really going to see mom. She is sick, and feels like crap. Aside from the fact that my brother lives in Wisconsin, neither my brother or sister is really a “nurturer” type. There are things that would help her, that she just doesn’t have the energy to do for herself, and I can run some errands for her, pick up some health food supplements, you know simple stuff. Help with laundry, dinner, and some vacuuming. Whatever I can help with will make me happy, even if it seems like menial tasks, because I know how exhausting the menial can be when you are broken.

Ok, I think my brain is drained. I need to go wash off this sticky. My boys almost asleep, mutts are fed and pottied, and I think it is safe to hop in the shower and forget about it for a minute. Many blessings, my friends.

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Ahhh…productivity

 

So I have been very productive today. My feet are aching I have been on the so much today! Feels great. It’s taken a long time to get to a place that I feel like I had a normal “me” day again. I gardened, despite the hundred degree heat. This heat is relentless. It is normal for us to get a week of this, but its been six weeks now. So incredibly hard for me to find my mojo in the sweltering heat! I sorted through some stuff, packed some stuff, got some house plants cared for and got my geraniums planted (given to me last week, half a flat of nearly dead geraniums that have been brought back to life).   I got some beading done, and some chores done, and just a little bit of all the things I wanted to do. It really did feel good to have a day that made me feel like myself again. I hope to have a whole bunch of days like today, next week when I have very few commitments on the horizon. The rest of summer is going by so fast. A week of down time I believe, then a week of birthdays, ten days at moms, back home and then back to school the following week. Where has it gone? I am ok with it, believe it or not, I am really looking forward to Fall, to my son going to high school and to my opportunity to find a ranch and move. I look forward to spending the winter getting settled and unpacked and being all ready to start up my garden and some chicks when spring comes. I am pretty excited about what Fall means to us this year in particular. I am tired. Beat, actually. I feel great about all I got done today, and I can’t wait to get just as much done tomorrow. I REALLY can’t wait for the weekend to come and go so I can really focus on what happens when I get back from my visit with mom. Looking forward to buckling down and finding a cozy little ranch to set up shop in. There have been a few so far, but the timing just hasn’t felt right yet. Ok, friends…I am tired. Blessings to all…until next time.

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Chatty Kathy

Hello and good morning my friends. Miss chatty Kathy at your service, and, once again, I have nothing in particular to write about, but a strong desire to do so anyway. You poor unsuspecting souls are in for one “chatty Kathy” post. I spent some time in my journal, and with my lists last night. It felt good to get my brain unclogged, but still, I tossed and turned all night. It has been quite some time since I have struggled with insomnia, but this week has been killer. It is really a good thing we don’t have anything going on in the mornings, or I might be pretty miserable right now. Always thankful for small blessings, I am feeling pretty grateful for my lack of early appointments this week. Mom’s lyme is kicking her butt, but she is making an appointment with a specialist. I am also thankful for that blessing, and it doesn’t seem like a small blessing at all, rather a large, in your face blessing. Just a few days ago I was under the impression that she would go to a specialist as a last case resort, but she feels so crappy she is going. THANK YOU LORD!

I am going home to see her in August. I have not been home in almost twelve years, and it will be interesting, to say the least. Ugh! August in South Dakota! Its hot enough for me here, much less going back to SD during their hottest month. I do hope to see a killer thunderstorm while I am there. Don’t get me wrong, the storms here are precious in their own rite, but nothing compares to a good old midwestern thunderstorm, where the lightning cracks down hard in your backyard, lights up the whole sky, and causes you to take pause for just a moment at the awesomeness of its power.

I think smoothies are on the itinerary for today. It is hot out. A scorcher. This is the first year ever that I have read the Farmers Almanac, and actually paid attention to see if it was accurate. So far, right on the mark. Today is going to be a fabulous day, and tomorrow will be even better. Before I know it, the weekend will have come and gone, in an oh so rewarding and productive way, and I think, that just maybe, next week might slow down a teeny for me. I anticipate next week being gloriously slow. I hope that it is so slow, that I am able to garden, clean, pack, and craft every single day. THAT would be a fabulous week for me. I think TaeKwonDo is the only thing we have going next week, and well, I love that!

It is funny how most parents dread their child driving. I am looking forward to it, but, I mostly trust my child. Rules matter to him, and he makes good decisions when it comes down to the stuff that really matters. I cannot wait until he is old enough to drive. We are so close to that, and I will start teaching him as soon as we find our ranch. I just think it does so much for their independence, It will be fabulous when he can drive himself to his classes, run to the grocery store for a gallon of milk, do some of the little tasks that distract me all day long, but also, I look forward to him being able to go pick up his best friend, and go to the movies, or go fishing. My child loves Jesus so much, he always wants to make Him happy. He is vehemently opposed to alcohol and drugs, to a point of fault when it comes to judging others, but I would rather have him judge others harshly, than accept them and join in their escapades, so we will work on judgement slowly. Right now I see it as a protective mechanism. As long as he thinks “druggies” are people he doesn’t want to hang out with, then I will let him feel that way. I will, some day, have to get through to him that people are just doing what they have the tools for, and that Jesus is the only one who has a right to judge. He gets that most of the time. In a conversation about some kids bullying him, I explain a little about the parents, and tell him that maybe some day we can teach them about healthy life skills at the Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch, and he says to me, “But mom, we have to treat them like everyone else, we can’t be mean just because they bullied me”. He gets it. I love that child so much. So much wisdom in such an innocent little boy. My son has a heart to teach children. He loves to teach in the childrens church on Sundays, and I have a feeling he will find himself teaching kids martial arts also. It warms my heart to see the way he enjoys leading children. He says he wants to be a pastor or a scientist. I can see him being a youth pastor or a science teacher. Even as a white belt with a love for his art, I see him gently correcting kids younger than him with higher ranks. He smiles so softly and gently corrects them. It is beautiful to watch. When he turns sixteen, he can do a leadership class in TaeKwonDo, and I believe he will be as excited about it as he is with every other teaching opportunity. Now that I think about it, his therapist has told me many times that she sends us kids that she thinks my son can socialize. That sounds horribly mechanical, rude, and a little like a dog handling technique. It just is what it is. One aspergers kid teaching another how to hang out socially. They do it very differently than the average children do. Its a lot more sitting next to each other doing their own thing and sharing their progress with their friend, than enjoying the same activity together. Often, one has a book and the other a computer, or both are sitting all cuddled up on the couch with their laptops playing different games, and trading with the other when they need help. Its pretty adorable. The most precious thing is seeing these kids learn to touch and be close. That is a skill that every one of them lacks. My son is good at it for some reason, and when the other kids learn to trust him, they want him to be touching or nearly touching them, quite often. I can only assume that this is because of their sensory differences and the lack of touch most of them have allowed in their lives. Finding someone you feel safe enough with to have that touch trust is huge when you have never had it before. I read that traumatized babies have trouble making a certain bond. I tried the experiment at home with kids I knew that were both PTSD children, and non traumatized kids. What I found was that the PTSD kids, when I gently rubbed their chins, opened their mouths and leaned into that gentle chin caress like they were starving for it. Typical, non traumatized children barely noticed the act of chin caressing, and it was like a normal behavior for them. Not one of them leaned into it, or even really showed a reaction at all. Touch is a HUGE part of our safety net. It is something we all need from infancy to death. For some of these kids, it feels very different to them than to the average person. It is a hard need for some of them to get met, and it is amazing to see my son work around it.

Well, beads are sorted and calling to me…so off I go! I hope you all have a lovely day!

 

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Distractions

Always a new distraction. So much on my mind. I used to make lists. Every single night before bed I made at least one, sometimes several, lists for the following day. I had a routine, got up early, long before anyone else, and got started on my list. My lists included everything, including the basic, mundane, daily tasks. I just find I am so much more clear headed and focused, and so much more productive, when I have it all on a list and don’t have to file it in my brain. I don’t swirl over the same thoughts over and over again. I just get one with the list. My lists are unattainable, more than one person could accomplish in a day, but whatever doesn’t get crossed off that day goes on that nights list for the following day. Well, when I hurt my back, this habit abruptly left me, as I was spending twenty hours a day in bed, and unable to complete the simplest of tasks on my own. Now, I have been back to life for a couple weeks, my pain is minimal, and I am fully functional. The problem with that is that my sleep schedule is inside out and upside down, there is NO sense of routine whatsoever, and even when I can get myself to make a list, I never force myself to get up early and follow through. I wish that summer was a more relaxing time. I am finding that heat really takes a toll on me like never before, and i hope I outgrow that in some “seven year cycle”. I have a pounding headache. I even resorted to headache meds, which I rarely do unless I just can’t hack it, but this is a full blown migraine. I am struggling with a very strange dynamic, of being highly impatient to find my ranch and move forward, but it seems like every day something forces me to puch it back a minute, and I am for some odd reason, completely content with that. Its as if I know it is here so I am willing to accept that and take my time, start looking when it feels right. I know we are so incredibly close to that point, so I am just ok waiting for it, and all of my plans now, include a move. Like planting grape vines in fifty gallon containers so they can be moved. Summer is so full of distractions. Today, I daydreamed about how great it would be to bundle up in winter clothes and play in the snow, but I think it was that part of me that appreciates the lack of distractions in the winter. I can’t focus! I started a Bible study, and got distracted. I have spay/neuter coming up, hubby surprises me with an unexpected trip home that always throws a tiny monkey wrench in things. I just feel like around every corner is a distraction. Something gets us out and about every day. The problem here is that I don’t want to be out and about every day. I want to spend a little time with my reclusive nature, get myself back on track. I want to spend some time in my journal, and in my crafts and that wonderful bounty of material I have in there. I have a plethora of beads that I just spent days sorting, and I want to bead like a crazy lady. My house is messy, oh so messy. I started packing some stuff we most certainly should not need before we move, even if it is three months from now, and it may be. I have small piles of stuff laying around everywhere, and every room seems so messy. It won’t take long to clean any of it, but focus…everything is so disrupted. i harvested my first batch of raspberries for the season tonight. Very pleasing. I watch every single days for cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers and squash. I am ready for harvest and preserve time. I am so looking forward to veggies I grew. They are always so much better.

I am so distractable these days. I don’t know how to make summer slow down for a minute. I can’t seem to get my sleep patterns into an efficient schedule, and that keeps me from doing anything efficiently. I am longing for a few days of Fall. I would love a slight chill in the air, and a good reason to say no to all of the endless summer activity, and yes to home. I love it when I can smell the dew rolling in off the mountains late at night, a slight breeze in the air, and thick with the scent of pine forest. As much as I know that any rancher reading this will shake their head at me, I love the sound of the coyotes talking to each other in the distance at night. I could spend days inside my head, talking about all the little thoughts, the things I am thankful for, the responsibilities I need to face, the lists I need to make and follow through on. I have a ton of hopes, dreams, wishes, and hangups just looming in the front of my brain like a jumble of chaos trying to find some sense of reason.

I have a sense of contentment, like one of these days will be free to regroup, darling, meanwhile, just keep doing what you gotta do and all will be well. I just keep moving forward but I feel as though the sense of longing has been fulfilled. I feel as though it is here, I just gotta take it easy and wait for it, because when it really gets here it will be a whirlwind.

DO you see how distractable I am? Like a child with full blown ADHD, every thought is as prevalent as the last and the next. I just long for focus, and a period of routine. I need to put all of these distractions aside and focus on the real goals here. I need to get back in site of my path, and keep moving forward….Oh, my friends…wish my luck finding my routine again! Until next time, God Bless!

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Well Folks, I have been trying to get better about posting pics on my blog. So far small success with that, so today, I decided to share with you all a necklace that I made last week. I figure since I am on a crafting kick, what better than latest beadwork to brighten my blog! I hope you all are having a lovely day!

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The time has come…

The time has come for so many things…

I struggle to write this week. I am a positive person. I don’t dwell on the negatives, and I see the best in the darkest of situations. That is why I struggle to write. The times we live in have brought me to a harsh realization that the end of life as we know it is here. I don’t jump on Y2K or 2012 bandwagons. I have never had a doomsayer attitude, but I feel a sense of heaviness as we move into this period. It is a bittersweet feeling, as I also feel a sense of relief that Jesus will do a great job with the Earth, however, I had a scare today that shook me a little. I have been in this place where I am desperately aware of how bad our food source has become, I am aware of the distinct changes in the weather patterns and the amount of disease around me is at an all time high. I have never known so many people with so many mysterious illnesses. I am blatantly aware of the police state we are currently living in (although most Americans have no idea that we are in this place), and I am growing more conscious daily of the “revelations” around me. I want to discuss all of this, yet how do I, for fear of being labeled a doomsayer.

The time has come for Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. It is here and we are so close to being ready to get started on that adventure. The savings account is almost to a place that allows us to step outside of our small, restrictive, but owned home, and into a rental that is going to cost us a WHOLE LOT more than our current home does. An overwhelming, intimidating, amount. I pray for the perfect rental, that has what we need to do the work that God has in mind for us. I pray that I can stay focused on His will and not get to caught up in my own excitement. Oh, how I pray, that He sees horses in my life! I am so excited about the prospect of having a huge garden and some chickens next spring! I am watching my little container garden grow thinking of what I can do with a real chuck of garden. Oh the daydreams I have for a garden when we buy a ranch. Meanwhile, I will be happy to care for someone elses ground as it exists for a while.

The time has come for me to get my self esteem up off the floor and start selling some of my homemade goods. People like them and my self esteem is the only thing holding me back.

The time has come for me to do the work that was intended of me. I see my self from a very different perspective now. I see some of my special qualities coming out, when it is happening. I see the skills He has given me, and the gifts and blessings, on a daily basis. I realize that He takes my dear little friends cancer, and uses it for good in so many lives, and in my life, He used it to show me how much I am capable of…it was quite shocking, still is, and I can see clearly several lessons in it. He used it to show me some of the more important things. Things that I know, but took for granted, like finding time to visit a friend. Realizing that money doesn’t mean ANYTHING in the grand scheme of things, and learning that God blesses the poor. Grasping that concept in a new way. I felt led to start a Womens Bible study, and while nothing profound has happened, I feel like there are several women who are pretty active in the group, which indicates to me that there was a need. I think the gift that surprises me the most is the profound ability to work with kids. Traumatized ones especially. I love kids, always have, but went through a brief period where I was convinced I didnt really care for them. I find it ironic that I now feel compelled to step into almost any situation to soothe a hurting child, parents present or not. I have no problem walking right up, and looking some kid in the face and saying,  “Wow, you seem really frustrated, is there anything I can do to help, or can you see what you are doing to your mom? Try to use your good kid manners for ten more minutes while she gets through the store K?”  Kids just need to be talked to a certain way. We don’t give them enough credit for their ability to make decisions and choices, and we give them way to much credit as far as being resilient. They really do harbor a lot of hurts that we don’t acknowledge from childhood, we just don’t see the results till adulthood, at which time it can be very hard to fix. I find myself consoling upset children in the strangest of places, and when it works, parents look at me like who are you?

It is an odd feeling, but if I made one moment of that child’s life make sense, if only for that moment, I am happy. I never, ever envisioned myself to grow up to be a person whose entire life would be to work with traumatized people and animals and help them heal themselves. Crazy wild blessing. So flattering and humbling all at once. What a gift! I have also learned that parents are only working with the tools that they have, and when I see a parent misbehaving, I have learned to remember that little mantra, and realize they are probably doing a better job than their own parents did with them. We all work with the tools we have. I find that working with traumatized children is very much like working with traumatized animals. We need to move slow, be un-intimidating, but firm and strong. We need to ask their permission and wait for it to be granted to move forward. This can really take a long time sometimes, and other times it comes so fast. The biggest thing the two have in common is that when you “train dogs” to be successful, you don’t really train the dog, you train the handler what kind of body language to use, what kind of control to exhibit and when to let the dog have control. The same holds true for parenting training. You aren’t fixing the kid, you are giving the parents the tools the kids need to thrive, to learn to process and express emotion rather than act out for lack of better way s to express their “pain”. Both animals and children will act out when they do not have a calm alpha. Children need control. Just like adults, they need to know they have some control over their world. They need consequences that fit the “crime”, not punishment. They need to be validated, and told that their feelings are valid and matter, with no ‘but’ attached. Children need to know that they are respected to learn what respect is. They need to make mistakes to learn how to make good choices, that is the reason they are given parents for 18 years of guidance, after all. Screaming at your child and sending him to his room wont fix it, but having a good, sit down one on one discussion about how a particular behavior makes you feel, and finding consequences that fit naturally will stick with them for a lifetime.

How on earth did I get on that tangent? I was thinking about a girl whom I helped the other day. I was at a therapists office. She is the person whom I am licensed under, and I was in her waiting room, when a little girl came in a kicking and screaming and saying NO NO I DON’T WANNA TELL. Her dad kept saying, you wont be in trouble…she just kept screaming louder and louder. After a few minutes, I cautiously stepped out and said something to the effect of I know I am crossing a line here but can I try something. Her dad looked at me like “be my guest”. I opened the conversation with the little girl by asking her if I could ask her a question. She said yes but kept crying. I asked her if she was feeling scared to tell the therapist something. She told me she was and I asked her why. I listened to her answer, she had quit crying before I asked my second question. I got her answers, and reassured her that I could totally understand why she would care so much about what therapist would think. We used names of course, but for privacy, that seems inappropriate here. I also told her, hey, you know what? I have known therapist for almost thirteen years, since my boy was smaller than her, and he was actually bigger than me now and he still loved to come here, and I know a secret about her. She doesn’t get mad at kids. not ever. she helps them understand why they are feeling the way they feel, but she doesn’t even know how to get mad at a kid. By this time the girl was up, playing, smiling, climbing and ready to be there. I told her if she had an more concerns she could come find me, and I went and sat in peace and thought about what had just happened. Her dad seemed so incredibly grateful. I am certain that I made a difference in their day. I have no choice but to thank God for a gift that one day not so long ago I would have sworn I would never have. I recall sitting in Church thinking, Oh please don’t call me to the daycare. I really don’t have much tolerance for kids. Oh how wrong I was. Oh how funny God is!

Hmmm, I started todays post, with an overflowing heart. I have been longing to write for so long, but fear that the end times concerns within me would reflect as negative thinking has held me back. I open up this blog every day planning to write, and cannot  make myself do it. Today, it all comes gushing out. had no intention of talking about kids, at any point in the day did I plan to write about children, or gifts, and yet, here I sit, spilling it all over the keyboard.

A close family member has been diagnosed with Lyme disease, another very close friend, like a nephew, got Kawasaki disease last week. Two girlfriends have gut health issues far worse than mine, and one close friend is allergic to everything, including her own sweat. Not literally, but when she gets hot, her whole body gets covered in purple hives…big, itchy ones. The food source is tainted, and we are all getting sick because of it. I cannot wait until my garden veggies come to fruition. I hate buying veggies in the tore any more, and I rarely crave meat. I am not a vegetarian by any means, i just don’t require a lot of meat for my own tastes. I prefer veggies, and boiled eggs and cheese for protein. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good steak, but they are so heavy and hard for my body to process, that my cravings for them are few and far between. I have found that my body readily accepts soups, any time of day. I assume that is because they are so broken down that I don’t have to work hard to digest it.

I found a great source for beads on the internet and have been on a crafting kick. I am so incredibly thankful to be released from that rest, and creativity is flowing through my veins like the woman I once knew. Now if this darned heat would just break! Gardening is also at the top of my priority list, as well as making sure we have a good “nest egg” ready before we jump into this ranching business.

I could not be more thrilled at the notion of having a foster child. Of giving stability, safety, and comfort, to a child who does not know those things. Oh how I long for that day we get our first foster child. I will cry myself to sleep with tears of gratitude that first night. I have a spay/neuter event that I have not focused enough on, and I am going to be hustling this week to get my volunteers and food put together…

Well, my friends, I suppose I have stolen enough of your time today. Have a blessed day…