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Sunsets

Today was a rough day for me folks. I have been hiding in that place HSP’s go when they start to think that no one understands them. I have been holding it together for quite a few days now, but very short in the patience category.   Today, I lost it on my husband over a stinkin Costco card. I just melted to tears and let it all out. Poor guy! It opened a floodgate though, and led to some serious processing. I ran like a crazy lady all day, which can test my patience on a hot day anyway, add being overwhelmed and bottling up some “I don’t know what”. Oh goodness…

I stopped at the grocery store on my way to my sons martial arts class. I grabbed a notebook, and I sat in that class and wrote it all out. It spilled like a broken dam, and I figured it out pretty quickly. I feel invisible, like no one gets it. That is a classic HSP feeling, but what triggered that emotion? I have learned what I need, and I meet those needs, so why the sudden breakdown? I found, through my writing, that I put my guard way up when I was on vacation. That I ran into situations I was unfamiliar with, or that made me feel vulnerable, and I put up that wall of safety, the one that doesn’t let others in, and keeps all the little details to myself. I came home to my safe place, but I never tore that wall down. I have a good reason though.

Everyone around me is in turmoil of some sort. Its crazy really, I feel kinda bad being all stable and happy and stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy that blessing very much, and it is not something I have had a lot of, so I really don’t take it for granted. The point I am trying to make is that my details seem trivial compared to those of the folks who turn to me, the ones whom I spend my time with. I cannot, in good conscience, expect my best friend listen to me go on about my abscessed tooth or raging headache, all the while, remembering her situation…its just trivial, and so, I went about my days, for the last couple weeks, not talking about the details, not processing the little, tiny, minute, immaterial, and yet, real, details. Everyone seems to have big uglies, how can I express my worry over such silly little things…and so, today, a flood of emotions, from the silly little things overflowing. I sat and wrote in that notebook about feeling alone, neglected…wrote it out, recognized the HSP in me and the cause of the emotional outpour.

I also remembered what I learned about those behaviors, the survivor behaviors, and how I don’t need them anymore, that they are meant to be temporary, a SURVIVAL mechanism, and not for living everyday life. Way too much cortisone being produced when you live in a state of surviving for too long. Those tools are meant to protect in a dangerous situation, and to be put away in times of safety. Well, I pulled out the trust and safety wall when I was on vacation, I remember the moment it came out even, but what I forgot, was to put it away when I got back to the safety of my home. I forgot that I was not vulnerable here, and that I do not have to keep that wall up. When I pull out the tools of survival, I pull out the emotions and behaviors of survival. It was a productive writing session. Driving home, I turned and looked at the most gorgeous and perfect sunset ever. It was halfway in the sky, and the most gorgeous deep purple on the bottom, bright reds in the middle, and golden and white rays reaching to the Heavens through the golden top, and at that moment, all I could hear, was a gentle, corrective word. It could only have been from God, and it was simply a question. Lonely? Almost like… disappointment mixed with the most peaceful reassurance. All at once, those golden rays turned to God’s outstretched hand, reaching for me, keeping me safe, understanding me, making sure that I KNEW I was not alone. Those old feelings, dug up from a time long past, brought out some raw emotions. I am glad I have them when I need them, and hope that next time, I remember to put them away when I am done with them, remember all I have learned in this place. The minute I tore the wall down, my Fathers hand was right there. It was there the whole time, I just couldn’t see past the wall that I was not alone, am not EVER alone. Oh Thank you Father, for bringing me home, and reminding me that I do indeed have a safe place, and someone who always understands me!

My dear friends, always remember, you are not alone…

until next time, many blessings!

 

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That first irreversible step

Good day folks! It is a gorgeous day. Cool and rainy, but I have found that those are my favorite days any more. I am settling in nicely, the “jet lag” of driving for two days is passing, life is returning to normalcy.

As my day wore on yesterday, I started thinking about the reservation dogs, and did some research. Checked my daily message from God, which I know is just like a horoscope, and I rarely check it, but yesterday I felt compelled, and it was so perfect. Told me that my time is now, that in order to pursue our dreams, we sometimes need to take that first irreversible step and for me that time is now. I spent my day focusing on my dreams, deciding how to get the order that summer steals from us, and establish a good routine. I left my garden in the care of a friend for a week and a half, so you can imagine how wonderfully prolific it seemed when I came home and it was so much bigger. Now that the heat finally broke things can grow again. I am so thrilled, and I bet I walked through the garden a dozen times yesterday, checking out all the new growth. As I spent a day in my home, wandering through my garden, researching how I can help reservation animals, daydreaming about that first irreversible step, I felt all of that icky just dissolving. It rolled right off my back, and by the time my friend was ready to chat through it with me, I had absolutely no desire to talk about it at all, as a matter of fact, I would say a strong aversion to the issues. That in itself felt so incredibly good. I was able to just let it go. Move past it into the positive place that is my life now. Just a simple, thank goodness that is over, and moving forward. The dreams are so big, and they just keep getting bigger. When I sit back and look at it, it seems like an impossible dreams, the rescue ranch, but in my heart, not only do I know it is possible, I can see it in functional order in my brain.

I made a random list last night, of the words that are spilling out of my brain. I decided that in order to keep my thoughts pure, I was going to write about each of those words, and what it meant to me, in a letter to God. I was going to pray for strength and wisdom in each area. I made it about a third of the way through the list before I couldn’t focus my eyes, but I am going to finish today, and I am pretty excited to see how I feel once I have shared all of it with Him. I know that when I give Him my concerns and worries, that I always feel so lifted up and renewed. A lot of the words are just things I am thankful for, full of praise and gratitude, and you know what, I am most thankful for? I am most thankful, for how blessed and thankful I feel. I just never could have imagined this kind of gratitude in my life before I knew Jesus, and it is an overwhelming sense of joy. What a gift!

I am back, the icky feelings managed themselves, with a little help from above, and well, life is good, thank you God! Until next time, have a blessed day my friends!

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And…back again

Well, I have landed safely back at my home, and WOW! My brain is full of culture shock! I can’t even begin to process, I have tried to fathom writing it out, and I just can’t wrap my brain around anything, it seems. My best girl bud is gonna come over and process through some of it with me, and I am hoping that an interactive conversation about the things weighing heavy on my mind will help my find order in my head again. I am full of symbolism and imagery, but those things don’t put order to the feelings and thoughts I am processing through. I am more thankful than ever for my mountain life. I learned one thing for sure this week, or had it confirmed at least. I am mountianfolk to the core, and so is my son.

He and I had a lovely vacation. Probably the best trip to the place I used to call home that I have ever had, however, it was still a place that I was very happy to leave. I am thankful for mountains, and the way of life up here. That renewed a lot of my Christian spirit and left me ever so thankful to our dear Creator. I have an overwhelming mix of gratitude and peace, all wrapped up with some icky stuff that place left in me, and I am trying to sort through all of that, hold on the the peace, throw away the icky, make sense of it all, and move forward with my life, like I was so anxious to do before I left.

I had an experience on the reservation that broke my heart, but touched something, and all of a sudden I want to add to my rescue ranch plans. I am not sure how, but I have to find a way to get involved with animal rescue on the reservations. We saw a couple dogs, wild dogs, with porcupine quills in their noses. There is no animal control to call, and those poor dogs are eating trash out of garbage cans at a truck stop. It grabbed a heartstring very deeply, and I think I was supposed to have that helpless feeling, supposed to see those dogs, and supposed to help make a difference in that way. I don’t know but it breaks my heart so badly that I have to do something. I spent the evening thinking about those two dogs, who I could send after them, how I could get them help, and I just could not come up with a reasonable solution, and a task force dream is born. I will be praying very deeply on that issue. I can feel the desire to plan and move forward breaking through the fog that is my thought process, and it feels good. Slowly, the reality of my dreams and desires is coming back to me. Why does that place trigger the feelings it does, even after my demons have been confronted and I no longer dread going there? I was so happy to go back, after having faced my demons. Nothing at all to dread about the place, and yet, three days in and I was desperate for mountain air. It was the best trip back ever. We had a great time, did many fun things, had an incredible time with my son. Bonded like crazy with my sister. Didn’t get to spend near enough time with mom, but kinda anticipated that. I enjoyed my visit, all the while, desperate for mountain air and mountain folk. I am so incredibly thankful for my life!

I guess I get to spend the next few days untangling the wiring in my head, but I anticipate great discoveries about myself in the process. Looking forward to down time and the ability to process moving forward….until next time my friends, many blessings!

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Landed

Well, I made it home. Driving was uneventful, and I am so proud of my son. What a road warrior! He rode in the car with me for 22 hours, and didn’t complain once. He learned how to be co-pilot, and how to read a map, and I gotta say, he did excellent. Vacation is vacation, as usual. We are having a fabulous time. I am enjoying seeing my family so much, and it is the first time I have really been back here since I have outgrown my childhood demons. It is nice, different than the atmosphere I am used to, and I suppose I am having a little bit of culture shock.  I am not quite ready to go home yet, still lots I wanna see and do before I go, but I tell you what, I have some serious anticipation and excitement about getting home. Summer will be wrapping up, kids all over the country are already back in school, and we are fortunate to start later than most. I suppose that is great right now. Its less than fabulous when everyone is out of school and we are still going, but I think it has something to do with the growing season where I live. We plant late and so harvest time is a little later too.

I have big plans for when we get home, although I did decide to extend the trip by a day and spend more time in the hills. I am looking forward to getting my boy ready for school, doing the school shopping and working out routines. I am really excited about buckling down and looking for that rescue ranch. I am looking forward to really focusing on my farmers market aspect of things, and getting some creating done. I completely dropped the ball on my facebook Bible Study, and looking forward to getting that up and running again.

I have had a headache for the last two days. Not sure what is causing it. I am looking forward to writing a long update, but having trouble putting it all in focus from the midst of it. About a million thoughts are running through my head. I am processing things like, coming home for the first time in ten years. The differences, and what has not changed. I am thinking about what I am going to do when I get home, how it feels like we made it through this crazy summer, and it almost feels like I am going home to a fresh start.  That leaves me with tons of anticipatory thoughts. I am looking forward to finding that ranch, and a new church to go with it, I feel SO alienated from my own church, and it has been so long that I have been there, well, I want church, but not sure where to go, and not comfortable in my own. The reasons I am not comfortable in my own have been so long past now ( I think it has been three or four months at least) that I can barely remember what they are, well, not true, but I do feel like they are less raw, those wounds, than they were. Still, I just don’t feel like they are the family that I once perceived them to be.

Anyway, it has been a fabulous week. I have had a lovely time, and I look forward to  a few more days of it. I also look forward to the rest of my travels and tourism with my son, and a great fresh start when I get home. Many blessing my friends! Till next time…

 

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Movin’ right along

So, I made myself this ridiculous list, you know, best case scenario, everything I would like to have done before I leave. What I would like to come home to. So far, I have shocked myself and completed the ridiculous list two nights in a row now. Wonderful! I feel a bit like bragging today. My mom is always telling me that I have the best dogs she has ever met. I kinda laugh, and think to myself, “she must not know any REALLY good dogs, like a working dog”. I have met some really good dogs in my time. Regardless, the point here is that I am so proud of my mutts this afternoon. I bathed them often when they were younger, but it has been quite some time since I have subjected them to any bathing aside from the quick, cold well-water bath when they roll in a stinky fresh cow-pie. Today, they had to have baths to travel this week. Mom’s house is not located on a ranch, and she would not be thrilled with stinky dogs, and my car is clean, I don’t want stinky dogs either (they really aren’t very stinky dogs, or they woulda had a bath). My point…let me get back to it. I asked them who wanted to go first, and Buttercup stepped right up. She followed me to the bathroom, and when I clicked my fingers above the tub and said good girl, come on, she climbed right in. She proceeded to tolerate the bath with her tail between her legs. She stayed, I didn’t even have to close the bathroom door, not once, through all three dogs. Oh so proud. I then dried her off and asked who was next. Moon sat so pretty in front of me, ears down, nose up, like he was just saying “I can be a good dog mom, let me show you”. So, same thing, One click and a command and in he went. terrified. His legs shook while I massaged and bathed him. I am extra careful not to traumatize them with wild face washing. He also, stayed the entire time. They finished up, and the little dog, the one I thought for sure would make me chase him down, wrestle him in, close the door, and hold him there, starts barking at me, like “don’t forget me”. One more time, same command, same action. So proud of these three. So flattered that despite the fear they each obviously exhibited, each one trusted me on the first command, each one stayed put covered in suds and water when I asked them to. Such good doggies! I am proud of them, as you can clearly see. And, a little surprised. I thought for sure one of them would give me resistance, instead, each of them took their turn, and then jumped back in on the next guys turn. Good Mutts!

They are so cute when they get out of the bath, all fresh and frisky, they wanna run around rubbing on anything they can find, and they are excited, maybe cause they just got a full body massage and one on one praise from alpha for the last twenty minutes? All I know is that they are like children on a playground after the bath, and that they are so dang proud of themselves! Brings me joy!

I am moving right along on my lists.  Bathing the dogs was a big one! Glad its done. House is nearly clean, laundry nearly done, dishes, well, you know dishes. Last night I harvested a half a ton of raspberries. Well, maybe I am exaggerating a little bit, but dang, there were an overwhelming number of them. Had a very interesting conversation with a friend who is a new believer and being convicted to the core. I love watching that happen! Also had to control an urge to bite when a good and trusted friend attacked Christians publicly on facebook. On my fingers, I angrily started ticking off answers to her rant. 1 Blah blah blah. 2. Blah blah blah…you get the point. I got to seven before I calmed down. I never answered on facebook, but I did tell her I would like to talk to her about it in person. I decided that I had to journal about it, and get the angry, defensive, me in check, and handle it much more diplomatically than just checking off points at her, and accusing her of being as judgmental as the people she is accusing. It threw me for a loop, because she is one of my closest friends. Ugh! The beauty of my close friendships is that the best ones include honesty and candidness, so it will be fine I am sure.

As the responsibilities I need to tackle before we leave wind down, and departure time nears, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. I am excited. I have some gypsy in my soul, and my feet haven’t wandered so far in a long time. I have been quite settled for many years now, and a nice long trip out on the open road is long overdue. I am thrilled to be going to see my mom, don”t get me wrong, but at this moment in time, the thing I can’t get over is how excited I am to hear the road under my wheels, to smell the changes in the air as we move from one climate to the next, on through it, and into another one. I am in anticipation over what my now nearly grown son will think of some of the landmarks that he was too young to comprehend the last time we were through there. Oh, how I am looking forward to the experience of the road nearly as much as I am looking forward to sitting on mom’s couch, enjoying her company, and watching the mutts frolic in the backyard with her little mini aussie.

Lots to do, I better head off here, and get my behind movin. Many blessings, friends!