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Narcissism or Codependancy?

I want to talk about boundaries. I spend a great deal of time helping people, particularly women, heal from what has hurt them. In this process, I have become aware of a couple things. Today I want to talk about “narcissism”. Or maybe perceived narcissism. The reason I say perceived, is because by medical standards, many of the people whom one may label a narcissist, really don’t fit the criteria for a diagnosis. We have come to a point in society where we tend to call anyone who doesn’t agree with us, or operate on our level of empathy, a narcissist. This is simply not true. Only a very small portion of the people who are being labeled as narcissists, actually are by medical standards. That being said, there are so many unhealthy and broken people in the world, that everyone and anyone has the potential to display a narcissistic tendency or two. Alot of people are not going to love what I have to say today, but I am going to say it anyway. If you are attracting narcissists, the problem is not with them. It is with you. Let me explain.

I consistently hear empaths talking about this curse they have. That they attract all the unhealthy and broken people. That they are constantly being victimized. That they continue to be nothing but a good person, but time and time again they are abused and treated poorly.

Let me tell you how to break that chain.

Heal yourself!

It is general knowledge these days, that energy is in everything. Raise your vibration. Broken and unhealed people attract lower vibrations, because they vibrate lower. When you raise your vibration high enough, they are no longer attracted to you.

Now don’t misunderstand this. People who WANT to heal and have a higher frequency will still be attracted to you, possibly more than ever before. It’s the low vibing abusers who do not wish to change that will be repulsed by your light.

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Broken people attract broken people.

So many times I hear people talking about all they do for someone, and not getting the desired response being a huge disappointment to them. They do everything they can think of to ‘heal’ a partner or make their life better, and consistently get hurt. Do you know why?

Its called codependency. If you are struggling with doing and doing for someone, and finding yourself disappointed time and again because they have not behaved how you expected in return, I highly recommend the book “Codependant No More” By Melody Beatty. Here is a link to it at Amazon. (No, I am not being paid to write this).

Having expectation of others to change or to behave a certain way because of something we did for them is controlling and abusive in itself. Healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy people, so if you are finding yourself feeling as though you are all right, and they are all wrong, consider that it is possible that you are being just as controlling, in a much sneakier and more manipulative way. I have a right to say this. I was this person before I got the healing I needed. It hurts to hear. It makes us feel defensive and angry. It makes us feel attacked. The simple fact is that sometimes the truth hurts.

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Healthy people don’t date unhealthy people. It’s just not natural. When you are strong, healthy, and know your boundaries, you won’t tolerate someone treating you poorly. This weeds out the abusers and narcissists rather quickly.

They just don’t want to change. They don’t want to work that hard, and they will quickly move on to someone more easily influenced.

Heal yourself. Learn who you are, and what your boundaries are, and then stick to them. We teach people how to treat us. Tolerating anything less than what is best for us, teaches people they can get away with treating us poorly, and attracts people who don’t know any other way. If you want to attract healthy people, you have to get healthy.

People are broken.

EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. US.

Potential partners, friends, family. Everyone will do something differently than you would at some point, and if we are not healed, it can be taken quite personally, even when it has nothing to do with us as individuals at all.

So here’s the deal. You have to know your boundaries, and you have to uphold them. You have to teach people how to treat you. The ones who want to be in your life will do the work to meet you in the middle. The ones who are looking for control over something because they have no control of their own lives, will move on to someone easier to control.

So many people are afraid that if they speak up or stand their ground, that they will offend someone, and that someone will leave. I see it a ton in dating situations. “Well he did this, but I am afraid if I tell him how I feel, that he won’t like me anymore”

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UMMMMMM….So what?!?!?!?

If being honest about who you are and what you need is going to send a potential partner running the other way, shouldn’t they head out? I mean, if they can’t accept you for who you are now, then what happens when the lustful feelings wear off? A partner who is worth keeping around, wont run off and abandon you if you tell them that your feelings were hurt or a boundary was crossed.

They will do one of two things. They will try to function within your boundary, out of respect for you, or they will turn it on you, get defensive, and leave. If you lose a partner for standing your ground about something important to you, they were never going to be a healthy partner in the first place! In a healthy relationship, compromise is a real thing, and you may have to meet them in a healthy middle on your boundary, but sacrificing who you are to keep a partner happy is absolutely unacceptable if you want a healthy relationship.

So many people I know are afraid to date, because every potential partner has red flags and warning signs. Those are obviously not to be ignored, but again, WE ARE ALL BROKEN IN SOME WAY. We are bound to have some coping skills. Not every bad behavior is a reason to scream “NARCISSIST!”. Sometimes the person has just never learned anything different, and if they are willing to hear your boundaries, then they can obviously change and grow. Accountability goes a long way. Someone who respects you will try to be accountable for the ways in which they treat you. If they can not hear you tell them how you were hurt. If they can not find it in them to respect your boundaries, then out the door they go. Why would we tiptoe around on eggshells, not being true to ourselves, to try to impress someone? If we can’t be ourselves now, how will we ever be later? We teach people how to treat us, and when we know our worth and refuse to tolerate any less, we push out the ones who would disrespect us.

If you feel like all you ever attract is narcissists, then maybe, just maybe, you need to look at why that is. It is not because you are an empath. It has to do with your own coping skills and unhealed behaviors. When you heal yourself, you raise your vibration. When you raise your vibration, you attract higher vibrating folks. Like attracts like. If you are attracting very unhealthy people, consider what it is in you that needs to be healed, and you wont have to worry so much about whether someone is abusive or not. They will weed themselves out.

I can tell you from experience. I used to have all the codependent behaviors. I used to think ‘poor me, why do I attract all the abusers and losers”. Turns out, I was as broken as they were, I just hid it differently. When I healed, and held myself to a higher standard, they just seemed to disappear.

They don’t want to work that hard. Your light draws attention to their shame. They look elsewhere, for someone who won’t make them so aware of their shame. They look for control in someone weaker than them, so that they can ignore the lack of control they have in their own lives.

Heal yourself. Know your own boundaries, and stick to them. Abusers are looking for weak people that they can control. Get healthy, so that you may be strong and not an outlet for their need for control. They will either stop trying to control you or they will get tired of trying with no results and they will move along to someone they can control.

Being an empath does not doom you to a life of abusive relationships. Being unhealthy does.

Heal yourself, and you will find that all of your relationships get healthier.

Light attracts light. Dark attracts dark. Be the light, so that the darkness will want to run from you.

Love is the highest vibration. Pure, unconditional, unexpecting, love. If you want to attract the light, set aside your expectations and conditions, and focus on growing the love in you, so that your light will repel the dark.

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Timing

Timing. It matters.

As many of you know, I have had these dreams of a rescue ranch for many years. I built my non-profit business, and learned some hard lessons. When I walked away from the non-profit, I kept my business name and logo. The rest of the non-profit status, they chose to keep, but since they had a different vision than I, and wanted to take it in a different direction, that was not a big deal to anyone.

I have continued along my path, confident that if I trust in God, the timing will happen when it is right. I have longed and ached for the moment that I would get a sign that it was time to start. I have had patient weeks, and less patient weeks. I have had whims that I followed through on, and some that I didn’t. I still believe that I am meant to continue to write and educate about minerals and nutrition, but clearly that got sidelined for a hot minute or three.

Lately, my life has been astounding. I know that my attitude has a lot to do with that, but I am able to maintain my attitude, because I finally found the freedom in submission. It is absolutely amazing how smoothly things flow when you finally submit to the idea that all is as it is meant to be, everything will happen when it is meant to, and that I don’t have to fight so hard. I can submit to just enjoying the journey, and things seem to be going better than ever.

I grew up without a ton of “extra”. We all have our hard times, but for the longest time, due to my circumstances and an unhealthy perspective, I really thought I had been born into this life simply to be punished for something that I must have done in a previous life. There was no other explanation I could think of for all the “awful” things that seemed to happen to me. Until that glorious day when I was shown why all of those things happened, who they were preparing me to be, and that rather than cursing me, they were gifting me some of the most important tools and education that I would need for my purpose. That was a game changer. Since that day I have dreamt grand dreams for myself. And, since it was shown to me, I believed that despite my shortcomings, and the fact that it seemed so much bigger than me, it would all come true.

And I started trying. Fighting with everything I had to force this vision into reality.

But it wasn’t the right time.

I waited, I worked on anything I could think of. I still do. Anything that will get me one step closer, is a great way to spend my time.

Little things happen here and there to show me that it is worth waiting on. That I am on the right path despite feeling like I am making no progress.

And things go wrong. I have learned that patience really does pay off in this respect.

Remember, this is coming from a woman who once thought that her purpose was to suffer through this lifetime in punishment. DSC_0974

 

So imagine my overwhelm when I step back and look today. I have the most supportive and loving husband that I ever could have hoped for. I have all of my basic needs met, and then some. For the first time in my life, I have “things” that I never pictured having. I haveĀ  a beautiful sewing\embroidery machine. I have a lovely camera with which I can take glorious Eagle shots. We live on the most fabulous acreage with absolutely artistic views all around us. When I take a moment to step back and look at my life today, I am overwhelmed and astounded at how much better it is than I ever imagined it would be, and I still have so much left! If it is already better than I ever imagined it could be, my goodness, can you imagine how great it can get???

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The point of all this. Well, it is twofold. Not only do I want to encourage you to keep your head up and keep plugging through the most hopeless and desperate of times, but I also want to talk about what I have been up to. The blessings that just keep unfolding. I have been sewing like crazy. Lots of children’s clothing and some practice items for the products I plan to list in my shop. I recently started a huge scrunchy project for a friends daughter. Loving my new machine, though it is slightly “above my pay grade” and I definitely have some things to learn.

 

As usual, and speaking of things “above my pay grade”, I still love taking photos of Raptors, but my camera kinda crapped out on me. My sweet husband surprised me with a very nice camera for Christmas. Now I just have to learn how to use it effectively. It has been gray and cloudy here literally every day since I got it, which can prove quite frustrating at times, but for the most part, I roll with it pretty well. Blue skies will be back eventually, and in the meantime I can practice low light settings.

 

I started a group on Facebook for people with food sensitivities. I was spending so much time talking through the beginning stages of accepting a food intolerance, that I decided to stick them all in one place. So far, so good.

 

We added a kitten to our family. After having lost two pets since march, I just couldn’t handle it. I needed a kitten. Enter Simon Oliver. I have never met a cat with so much personality and curiosity. He has made himself a niche here, among my geriatric pets. His energy gets to be a bit much for them sometimes, but for the most part, he has won them all over. I absolutely love watching him and my small pup play. He just fits in perfectly with us. Also. He plays fetch. I have never met a cat that plays fetch. When I make my fire in the mornings, I wad up a ball of paper and toss it for him. His favorite game. Ever since he watched me play fetch with the dog, he brings the paper ball back! Too cute, and too smart!

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And the big news.

Goats!

Strays have been coming around alot lately. And the big news in strays is goats. These two sweet babies showed up in our pasture almost a week ago. Hubby found them when he got home from work. They came right up to him, and right up onto my porch with him. We stuck them in our barn and started the search for their family. We live in a pretty tiny community. I notified all of the local establishments. I notified the local animal shelter and animal control. I made calls. I posted on Facebook. I spent hours knocking on doors, to the extent that the next day when I continued knocking, people already knew about the goats and I was getting a lot of “Oh You have the goats…”

I even called local breeders.

No one knows who these goats belong to. It is absolutely bizarre. And so, we have accepted a few things about the goats.

The goats are staying with us if there is ANY way we can manage it.

The goats are a sign that it is time to take the next step.

Hopefully, someone will show up and claim them, but it is starting to look more and more like someone dumped them for whatever reason.

And so, if no one shows up to claim these goats, the livestock rescue has begun!

Because, timing.

I have gotten so many signs this last few months that it is time to take the next step. I have prayed and prayed on it, and not knowing what that step is, or how to make that step. And then goats showed up, and made it seem obvious, logical, and not as hard as I was making it.

And so now, I start learning how to care for dwarf goats.

And it is exciting.

We are calling them “Lickety” and “Split” because I made a joke, and it stuck.

Every day, I dream about my rescue ranch. I dream about the lovely foods I will feed to my guests, as I teach them what a blessing a nutritional diet is. I dream about the beautiful cabins they will sleep in, and the refreshing scenery they will wake up to. I dream about the hurting humans and the broken animals helping each other to heal. I long for the day that I see it all come to fruition. I patiently wait until I am called to make the next move.

Goats!

I can’t believe it is goats! I am deeply excited to see what this chapter brings. Good things are happening folks. Good things!

So much love and light to you all! Until next time, I hope that the blessings rain down on you too!