What a strange place I am in today. So far the pamper me time is going great, but today I have no desire to do anything at all. My house is clean, my plants are watered and the baby sprouts are coming up, getting ready to head out to the greenhouse. Spring is in the air, the chives and crocuses have arrived. I should feel vibrant, beaming even, but instead I have a low buzz of “I don’t want to do anything”. What on earth do I do with this feeling? I am happy, generally content. I have a new client, who baffles me but I feel at peace, as though she was brought to me for reasons only I can understand. I feel as though my life is in order for the most part, but I have no ambition. Surprisingly, I look around me and see order everywhere, and wonder if I am bored? The sky is gray and dreary, but the weather is warm, perfect for being outdoors, doing spring garden clean up, but not me, I am in here, writing this silly blog, trying to figure out where my drive went. The past week or two have been above and beyond relaxing and peaceful, and I have slept more than I ever do. What a strange funk. Happy and content, with about as motivation as a person with severe depression (I mean no judgement there, as I have suffered from severe depression in the past, I am speaking from experience). I have a great book I am looking forward to reading, but can’t seem to make myself pick it up for more than a minute or two. I have little desire to journal or do crafts and I just don’t know what is up with me. I am very bored with sitting and staring at this point. I am content and bored. I heard one time “only boring people get bored”, and I am a little stuck on that. I think I need a change. I don’t think a haircut is going to do it, although I still haven’t gotten that haircut, I think it is because that is not what I really want. I want a real change (and a haircut, so I will do it eventually).
I realized that I reached a place where I need a big change to move forward, and that change is in the process of happening, but I think I just sat down to wait, which is very unlike me. I cannot remember the last time I felt bored, of all things. I want to move really badly. I feel that I have reached most of the goals that are possible for me to reach from this home, and I want to move somewhere with some space. While we own our home, we rent the land that it is on, and unfortunately, the world has become a place where limits are a must, due to the sue happy nature of folks. Our son is not aloud to climb trees, ugh! Really, we aren’t aloud to do anything, add raised beds, gardens, walkways, dog fences…nothing, and so, it is time for a little more space. I need a change that includes a yard I can fence if I so desire, so that on wonderful days like today, my dogs can be in the yard with me without having to worry about them running into the highway after a deer. Now, I feel guilty going out and enjoying it without them, and so I am sitting here with them, not being productive. we do out treks to the woods, but even when we get home, they just look at me out the window like “c’mon, let us out”. I tried tie-outs, which I am a firm believer against, but if I am out there with them…so I justified. They just get tangled into a little ball and stand there staring at me in a pack of dog statues. Not to mention, they have officially broken two of the three tie-outs quickly. I am ready to move forward in my life, but don’t know how to do that from this home. At least I finally figured out what the problem is, should make it much easier to tackle, and I am thankful that my house is clean while I do.
Aha…well identifying the problem has brought some ambition and motivation, so that must be a good thing. I have a client who weighs heavy on me, but I don’t know what to do. I have peace about it. God will lead me. My son has acted up a bit since dad’s career change, so we are addressing that, and I myself have had health scares this month which have caused me to reevaluate everything about my life and how it functions. I love God, and have a desire to talk to Him every day, but feel completely alienated from my church…
Well, on that short and sweet note, I am going to go do something with this newfound information…anything! I am going stir crazy!