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And so the cycle continues…

The cycle continues. I am nearly done with my business plan, and feeling pretty good about progress made on my path to the Rescue Ranch. I gave myself a five year plan, almost four and a half years ago. I believe I am right on schedule. I have reached a place where I have started looking at ranches for sale now. I am hung up on wondering if we should buy a house, on some acres, or are we supposed to be looking for something more commercial, like a bed and breakfast or a dude ranch for sale? It seems to me that anyplace that has more than one living space on the property falls upward of 2 million dollars around here, and well, it just appears that it would be cheaper to buy a house and some acreage for two or three hundred thousand, and add the amenities as we go. I am really unsure of what to be looking for here. I am also very aware that my last message from God was to sit, wait, breathe, relax, and get my back healthy and it would come to me. I continue to do those things, waiting ever so “patiently”. Patience may be the relative term here. I am excited. Oh so excited! I daydream all day long, of chickens and bees and Alpacas. I can’t get my huge garden and tiny orchard out of my head. The idea of a big kitchen in which to process all the wonderful goodies that I am producing is so enthralling I can barely stand it. I ache to feel my feet on the soil that will one day be known as Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. The one thing that has remained true, in both visions, is that the main home is blue, and there is a white picket fence, which, by the way, I have never wanted…or if I did I was unaware of it. I think if I see that home I will know where I am supposed to be. I just gotta find the home from my visions. I cannot remember the first one very clearly. I remember being in the garden, in a long, flow-y, white summer dress. I remember being surprised by the white picket fence, and who one earth wears a white dress to garden? I cannot remember if the house was the same as the one in the second, much more clearly defined, vision. I do not know if they were the same color or size, but I am dying to find that home and yard, and when I do, I will know it. I remember they were both blue. Anyway, when I do find what I am looking for, blue or not, I am sure it will be glaringly apparent.

I have found myself on a strange and lonely path. It is not a bad lonely. It is a period of contemplation. I have found that I am having a hard time relating to some friends of the past, and making new friends in the most unusual places. When I step back and look at those new friendships, and where I am going, it is pretty obvious why some of these folks have come into my life, and when I look at old friendships, it reminds me of where I have come from. I love both groups so much. I have found myself struggling for words lately, as I have seen some of the friends I have known so long, beat their heads against the same walls over, and over, and over again. I wonder when they will stop torturing themselves. Why do they choose to only focus on the negative details? One friend cries and cried and cries for weeks over a hopeless situation. It affects everything about her days. I remember a time when I was in those same shoes. No matter how the situation was really presenting, I freaked out about the stuff I couldn’t change. It was torture. I would have done anything for happiness, but no matter what anyone said, I could not really hear them.  I needed something outside of me to change, for life to give me a break. Every little thing that went wrong defined my day and my life. I DO NOT MISS THOSE DAYS! I now struggle with being able to help my friend see that it is not something outside if her that has to change. It is her heart, her perspective, her vision of the situation, that has to change. It is not external. With a joy and contentment inside me, that I know comes from some simple choices I made, about perspective, I know that no matter how simple the concepts, wrapping your brain around them is foreign. How do we break the cycle from unhealthy self talk and thinking, to healthy self talk and thinking?I find it difficult to find the words this friend needs to hear, because I know that until her time, they will fall on deaf ears.

I find myself daydreaming of that joyful place. It occurs to me that I have had two visions with the same house in them. In the first one, my rescue ranch had not even been conceived by me yet, and in the second one it was a different perspective, but I believe it was the same house. I continue a cycle of daydreaming about chickens, bees, and alpacas, and I continue to daydream about canning and drying and putting up food. I got an upgraded dehydrator for mothers day and I couldn’t be happier about it. I LOVE dehydrating food far more than I ever imagined I could. I have some apples ready to go in this one. Next time I upgrade, I am going for the super heavy duty one! It is a gorgeous day, and I think I am going to try to get some gentle gardening done, and maybe clean my car real nice. My shoulder has been hurting so I will have to play it by ear and see what I can do without hurting myself. I had a doc recommend I get a back brace last week, and it has been fabulous for helping me stay in posture, even when distracted. I have some dwarf citrus trees I would really like to transplant, and it would be a fabulous day for it. I may have let one of them get to dry when I was really hurt to badly to take care of them. I am hoping it surprises me and comes back to a nice soft green place. I have found that often patience is all a plant needs to get a second chance.

Hubby is back at work, and my son is home with a bum tooth. Dentist can’t fix it till Monday, next week, so he will be going back to school tomorrow for sure. I have discovered a routine for cleaning when my husband is not here that works fabulously, I get tons done, and a wide variety of tasks get completed. I wish I could get a grip on my craft supplies. I have so many sewing and craft supplies that they are bulging out of every room I own..well, not really, but almost. I have many crafts that are ready to be put up for sale, but due to the lack of organization in my office, I just can’t seem to get myself to do it.

I started this post thinking about the cycles of abuse that people put themselves through, but got interrupted midway through. By the time I returned, my thoughts were back on chickens, and gardens, and a nice peaceful ranch. I am going to go work toward that for a while. Have a blessed day all…

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Like nothing I have known

Well, I tell you what, a bulging disk is like no pain I have ever known. Two weeks into Physical Therapy, and I have a slight decrease in pain. I can even sit at the computer for a few minutes without too much pain, as ling as I use good pasture and don’t look down at the keyboard. Nothing like acute pain to make you appreciate health. I have been aching to write, or read, or do anything really, other than sit and try to get comfortable for a moment or two. I cannot wait until the day I can get through one half hour without thinking about pain, or squirming for comfort! I will celebrate that day. I cannot wait till the day I can get through a day without Lamaze breathing techniques to carry me through. I must admit, so far nothing has been more effective for pain management than breathing. I have to force myself to use great posture all the time, which is hard when I am in pain all the time, I just want my whole body to relax so badly. I am getting a massage on Monday, this time on the request of my physical therapist, through a good, reputable, source, and who is aware of the acuteness of my situation. I am really, really looking forward to that! I have redefined my pain scale, as I had no idea pain levels got this high before two weeks ago. My old ten is really an eight. I thought I had felt the worst pain of my life a few weeks ago when I got that horrible abscess in my tooth that spread to my ears and eyes, but no…that was not the worst pain ever. The problem is not even so much the pain, it is that there is NO RELIEF from it, ever. I have spent twenty hours a day in bed for the last two weeks, and I am slowly getting to a point where it feels better to be out of bed than in it. That feeling lasts for anywhere from half an hour to two hours, depending on what I am doing, but then I have to get back in bed or the pain gets to the point where it controls all of my thoughts again. I do feel as though I can finally see some of the positives that come from this situation, but I do not know how the good Lord thinks I can handle this much pain? I have begged Him, pleaded with Him, gotten down on my knees in tears (kinda, I cant really get on my knees), and urged Him to rest His healing touch on me…but to no avail. There must be more to learn from this. Nonetheless, I am feeling hopeful, as I have gotten the pain below a ten and into the single digits a few times the last couple days. I also miss my most positive outlook, as even through happy thoughts, the pain masks them as negative. It is just hard to express anything with a smile, no matter how happy I am about it, and that is hard on the spirit. I am a positive person. I look for the bright side of things, and let me tell you, there comes a point in this pain where I do not recognize myself at all. Pain brings me anger, impatience, intolerance, and general lack of compassion for others. Those are not normal attributes to my personality. As hard as it is to make myself do my Physical Therapy “exercises”, I always feel a little better after a good PT session. While it hurts to perform the tasks, I love the simple little bits of relief I have when I am done. While I struggle to remember posture, and I crave a good relaxed sit so badly, I always feel better when I am conscious of my posture through the day. Ice is good. It hurts more when I first apply it, but as it numbs it feels better, and the long term effects have become pretty obvious to me.

When I start to look at the positives, which was incredibly difficult to do at first, but is getting a little easier as the pain subsides some, I realize that there are several great things to come from this. Because of my own flat screen and chore restrictions when I was a child, those are two areas I really struggle to find balance with with my own child. This pain has not given me a choice, I have had to learn how to ask him to do things, and stick to my guns about it. It is also an opportunity for me to get a long term heal and fix to a problem that has been harassing me for almost 8 years. It will be necessary for me to have good spine health to run a ranch while my husband is on the road for work. I also recall going through a very strange phase of boredom. I don’t get bored. I stick to the old adage that  “only boring people get bored”…well, I learned better on that one. A couple weeks ago I had no desire to do any of the things that I love. I couldn’t find the drive to sew, bake, craft, read, write…none of it. I was just plain bored and uninterested. I had no desire or drive to do any of those things. I just wanted to pack all of my stuff in boxes with very clear labels. Sounds weird, I know. My office is too small to hold all of my craft and office supplies. I am sure it was a desire to control clutter. It occurs to me that the timing of this couldn’t be worse, it’s spring garden time, and if I don’t get my garden going, it won’t exist this Fall. It is not the kind of thing that can wait till I am better. What occurred to me is that my husband and I are planning to find a house this summer, and that maybe I am not supposed to put a ton of energy into a huge garden this year. Maybe I am not supposed to buy a bunch of new fruit trees and perennials. Maybe this is God’s way of protecting me from myself, who am I kidding, I already knew that, but not in this aspect. I assumed I was meant to rest. I am a strong advocate that when you get knocked down, it is because you need to rest and aren’t taking the initiative on your own. Why do I tell every lady I know to take it easy or she will get knocked into bedrest, and then ignore my own advice? I slept 20 hours a day for the first two weeks. It shocked me that I was able to sleep so many hours, but there came a point a few days ago where that changed. There came a point where it felt as good, or better, to be awake, than it did to be asleep. I am now slowly decreasing my sleep hours and increasing my functionality. Slowly. My big lesson this week was “Slow down mama”. Still two hours seems to be my awake limit, but now, instead of two hours awake and six asleep, I do two awake and three asleep. I will take it. It has to be an improvement, and I must admit, that now that I know what real boredom is…sitting and doing nothing, trying to ignore pain….well, I am all sorts of motivated to do all of the stuff I love! Maybe I just needed to catch up on sleep. My son’s sleep disorders take a huge toll on me, and really limit my sleep availability. I wonder if I needed to sleep to find that motivation, or if that motivation was lacking cause I was simply exhausted. Maybe I got that motivation back because I have had a lot of hours to lay in my bed and put it all in perspective. It is pretty hard to have a ton of motivation in my brain, but not in my body. My tolerance level is getting lower, an indication i have spent too much time on the computer, so ta ta for now, my friends, and hopefully I can bring you more cheer and bright side soon…until next time, many blessings!

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Broken

BRoken seems to be the theme in my life this week. My body is broken, my dishwasher is broken, my washing machine appears to be broken, although that I believe is vaporlock. Still don’t know, but I saw what the dishwasher was doing this morning, and that is FOR SURE not vaporlock. I don’t believe in coincidence, but how strange the dishwasher would break at the exact same time the washing machine backs up….And of course, I have this bum shoulder, which is preventing me from pulling out any of the appliances for a closer look. I went to acupuncture yesterday, and it helped some, but I still hurt. There is one factor missing, my husband! He has a little trick he does when I am all jammed up like this, and once I get the muscles to relax, he straightens me right out. It works so good. He may get the opportunity to come home this weekend for a few hours, and if he does, oh thank goodness. If not, I will be calling a chiropractor on Monday. The acupuncturist confirmed my belief that the massage therapist made it worse, she was surprised he was even willing to work on me with my shoulder so acute! Her words, not mine. She also sent me to a PT to get some strengthening exercises. I just don’t know how I can do strengthening exercises before I get adjusted, as it is difficult to move my head, due to the vertebra slamming into each other every time I move. I wonder what the PT can do to get me out of pain quickly, as she seemed to think he would get rid of the pain faster than a Chiro would, and I will admit, the idea of being adjusted today, even by a gentle Chiropractor, makes me want to cry. I believe no matter how gentle, it would be excruciating! So, I will go to the PT today, and keep drinking my “Chiro Klenz” tea. If you have not heard of it, look it up. I was given this tea by a Chiropractor years ago, and I swear by it. If I drink it three or four nights in a row, and trust me when I say it is VERY IMPORTANT that you follow the directions closely, I can lay down in my bed, take a deep breath, and hear my back realign itself. The tea is designed to removes toxins and gas pockets from your body, so be very careful the first few times, cause it will cleanse your system, and you don’t want to take the chance of being far from a bathroom (a private bathroom, preferably). I always feel lighter when I drink it. I use it particular for gut health, because it makes me go when nothing else will, and it is not painful, like some other products can be, but again, I caution you…do not overdo it. I made that mistake once and Holy Heavens it was painful, in a detox kind of way (use your imagination here folks)! It seems to help my muscles to feel light and clean, My spine adjusts, and lots of gas pockets released (the popping sound you hear when you crack your knuckles, or any other joint, is a gas releasing, which builds up between your joints and when you pop them, you are releasing that gas.) My guts feel much cleaner, and I just feel all around better. I am popping like crazy today, every time I move, and it is only a matter of time, until that shoulder gives and my spine realigns! I can feel the stuff around it starting to move! Small blessings! Thank You God! I will take any relief I can get.

I have three recurring health problems, and I believe that I can get each of them healthy through diet. It sounds funny, and of course there are other factors at stake. I have a tooth I need to have pulled. Clearly diet wont fix that. I believe that I will have the opportunity to get them fixed in the near future. The tooth greatly aggravates my TMJ. I never had TMJ pain until that tooth became infected. If I never have to go through that pain again, I am good! If you have TMJ, acupuncture works wonders for immediate relief, however, if you have an abscessed tooth, you have to get antibiotics first.  THat tooth also leads to bad bacteria in my already sick gut. I have poor gut health, and have had a host of doctors telling me it was this or that since I was seven. I finally got so desperate, that I din my own research. I spent days on line, googling every detail I could, till one day I hit the jackpot. It’s all about my blood type, and acids and enzymes present in my body. Or should I say, not present. It turns out gut health is the key to all health (or so I believe at this point). I came across the Blood Type Diet, which went into detail all of the symptoms I had been having, seemingly unrelated, but sure enough. I have become observant in the folks around me, and wow! Gut health, or lack thereof, is a prevalent factor in our society! When your guts are not healthy, you do not process your vitamins and minerals properly, and the rest of you breaks down, starting with your immune system. Once I figured out which supplements I needed, I was able to gain some control over my gut health, but I still need the help of a professional to help me get it all fine tuned. Now if I can find one who will listen to what I have found, rather than blowing me off, because I don’t have a PhD or understand the human body better than they do, although, this time, I think I do. Also, getting that tooth fixed will be huge in getting my gut health under control. Meanwhile, 37 years of not digesting my food properly, has led to a weakened immune system and deteriorated muscles. People always tell me they wish they were as skinny as me. If only they knew how many days I spend in pain, severe pain, and that I would take obesity over skinny, if it meant I could feel acute pain less often. Don’t get me wrong, I am not aiming for obese, but enough meat on my bones to protect me from injury would not break my heart. My third recurring health problem is my back. It hurts, a lot. I believe that as I adjust to the new diet, and my body starts absorbing the healthy stuff I put in it, that those muscles will get stronger, and I will feel all around better. I have been listening to a hunch I have about our food source. I feel a need to get back to God’s way. If we are all to be healthy, then we really need to get back to living the way God intended for us to live, and I feel desperate at time, for someone to discuss this with. In the course of a week, I read about test tube hamburgers, inorganic arsenic in rice, and an animal byproduct wax sprayed on veggies, and I am scared of the food source. Part of the mission of Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch, is going to be to live as close to God’s way as possible. I plan to raise as much of our food as possible. We eat a lot of game meat also. I came across a book at the thrift store the other day called “Makers Diet” and I really think it makes sense. Between the blood type info, and The Biblical diet, I really feel like I can get a grip on my gut health, and subsequently, the rest of my health. I feel really pleased that I found the Biblical Diet, now if I could find a book on Biblical homesteading I would be a happy camper! Who are we kidding, I am a happy camper, just a little tired of pain is all. Today, I can focus long enough to sit and write an entire blog post, so that must be a good sign.

I can’t wait till I feel good enough to be a functional mom again. Despite the pain, I am in fairly good spirits, but that was not the case yesterday. I was down right grumpy! I tried to explain to my son that it was not his fault, and that my back really hurt, but still, he should not have to live with that. At this point, my garden starts are started, but I have not got a lot of energy to tend them, I have a ton of projects I want to do, that I cannot get started on because I simply cannot focus on anything but this dang shoulder. I have paperwork and business work to do, and I just keep avoiding it. My back has started to align a little this morning, pain is receding, and I actually got a few things done, but I cannot wait to be a fully functional woman again!

Well, Physical therapy was not full of good news, I have a bulging disk in my neck. At least now I feel a bit less like a wuss who has been walking around crying all week about a sore muscle. On the other hand, bummer….no wonder it hurts so bad! I have officially been restricted to bedrest, ice, and a few small walks to go with my PT exercises each day. On that note, I am going to crawl into bed and rest this poor shoulder, because the tyoing certainly doesn’t help. Have a blessed day everyone. Until next time….

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What a strange place I am in today. So far the pamper me time is going great, but today I have no desire to do anything at all. My house is clean, my plants are watered and the baby sprouts are coming up, getting ready to head out to the greenhouse.  Spring is in the air, the chives and crocuses have arrived. I should feel vibrant, beaming even, but instead I have a low buzz of “I don’t want to do anything”. What on earth do I do with this feeling? I am happy, generally content. I have a new client, who baffles me but I feel at peace, as though she was brought to me for reasons only I can understand. I feel as though my life is in order for the most part, but I have no ambition. Surprisingly, I look around me and see order everywhere, and wonder if I am bored? The sky is gray and dreary, but the weather is warm, perfect for being outdoors, doing spring garden clean up, but not me, I am in here, writing this silly blog, trying to figure out where my drive went. The past week or two have been above and beyond relaxing and peaceful, and I have slept more than I ever do. What a strange funk. Happy and content, with about as motivation as a person with severe depression (I mean no judgement there, as I have suffered from severe depression in the past, I am speaking from experience). I have a great book I am looking forward to reading, but can’t seem to make myself pick it up for more than a minute or two. I have little desire to journal or do crafts and I just don’t know what is up with me. I am very bored with sitting and staring at this point. I am content and bored. I heard one time “only boring people get bored”, and I am a little stuck on that. I think I need a change. I don’t think a haircut is going to do it, although I still haven’t gotten that haircut, I think it is because that is not what I really want. I want a real change (and a haircut, so I will do it eventually).

I realized that I reached a place where I need a big change to move forward, and that change is in the process of happening, but I think I just sat down to wait, which is very unlike me. I cannot remember the last time I felt bored, of all things. I want to move really badly. I feel that I have reached most of the goals that are possible for me  to reach from this home, and I want to move somewhere with some space. While we own our home, we rent the land that it is on, and unfortunately, the world has become a place where limits are a must, due to the sue happy nature of folks. Our son is not aloud to climb trees, ugh! Really, we aren’t aloud to do anything, add raised beds, gardens, walkways, dog fences…nothing, and so, it is time for a little more space. I need a change that includes a yard I can fence if I so desire, so that on wonderful days like today, my dogs can be in the yard with me without having to worry about them running into the highway after a deer. Now, I feel guilty going out and enjoying it without them, and so I am sitting here with them, not being productive. we do out treks to the woods, but even when we get home, they just look at me out the window like “c’mon, let us out”. I tried tie-outs, which I am a firm believer against, but if I am out there with them…so I justified. They just get tangled into a little ball and stand there staring at me in a pack of dog statues. Not to mention, they have officially broken two of the three tie-outs quickly. I am ready to move forward in my life, but don’t know how to do that from this home. At least I finally figured out what the problem is, should make it much easier to tackle, and I am thankful that my house is clean while I do.

Aha…well identifying the problem has brought some ambition and motivation, so that must be a good thing. I have a client who weighs heavy on me, but I don’t know what to do. I have peace about it. God will lead me. My son has acted up a bit since dad’s career change, so we are addressing that, and I myself have had health scares this month which have caused me to reevaluate everything about my life and how it functions. I love God, and have a desire to talk to Him every day, but feel completely alienated from my church…

Well, on that short and sweet note, I am going to go do something with this newfound information…anything! I am going stir crazy!

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The kings daughter…

I fought a war against co-dependency, and I won. I fought a battle against poverty, and I won. I went to combat against mental health instability, and I won. I spent years of my life in boot camp, training in all the right moves to conquer the evil that gets deep under out skin, and I spend my life as a drill instructor, teaching, training, drilling people to understand their worth. I beg, I plead, I empathize and I spend my days praying that others will see how beautiful they are, how much more they deserve. I want people to see themselves the way God see’s them. I want them to understand His love the way that they love their own children. I want them to all see how He looks down upon us, His children, the way we look down on our own children. I want them to know that unconditional love. I want every woman to know that she is the kings daughter! That SHE is a princess, and deserves to be treated like one. I spend my days trying to convince overwhelmed and under appreciated moms and sisters that THEY are princesses…daughters to the king…who else do they need to impress? Meanwhile…it has become very clear to me that I never learned how to treat myself like a princess, like the daughter that I am, washed in his blood and deserving of the throne, through His grace and forgiveness. I want others to understand that this is His gift to us. How is it that I can devote my life to helping other women break free from their chains, while I am still tied to this condemnation of self. When do I learn that I too, deserve those very things that I am pleading with others to receive for themselves? Maybe I already know, but I sure do struggle with implementing a plan. Today, I made a new category, because yesterday I made a new rule. I will be spending time pampering ME. What a strange concept…spend money to get my hair done, I can hardly imagine that being ok for me. Other folks do it all the time, but I, myself, do not splurge like that. Eight dollars to go swimming in some healing mineral waters…are you kidding me, that seems like highway robbery. Even if it is one of my favorite pastimes, we can’t afford for me to blow 8 dollars on a frivolous day of soaking and swimming! What a waste of money…  this is a typical conversation in my head, when I want to do something for me. Why is it that I think that I am not worth the 8 dollars to spend an afternoon in some healing water, or even fifty, for a haircut?  Why have I abandoned my stretching mat and candlelit meditations? Why do I quietly wish someone else would notice I am a good, hardworking, albeit tired, person, and deserving of a break? Why should they recognize that if I don’t? I feel as though I recognize the tired part all of the time, sleeping doesn’t make it better. I have been told three times, by three different people, that I deserve a break, a healing break. Not the kind of rest you get when your sick, but a healing and rejuvenating vacation, was what one lady said. I have never done that, and cannot imagine what it must feel like? I have spent 30 years taking care of other people, putting everyone before myself. I have learned how to weed out the ones worth putting before me, and the ones who are not, and so I claim to have broken the co-dependent cycle. I realize, this week, that I only let go of part of that co-dependency baggage, and the rest I am carrying like a weight I refuse to let go of.  I am spiritually healthier than I have ever been, mentally, as well. I feel balanced and in control of my “life”. I quote life because for me being in control of my life means that I have faith that God is in control, and as long as I trust Him and keep moving forward, life will be grand.

The health problems I have encountered have put this into grand perspective for me this past week, and I realized that I need to treat myself like that princess I am talking about. I need to pamper myself as though my life depends on it. I am pretty convinced this week that it does. I realized that stress takes a toll on me unlike the average person, due to my highly sensitive nature. I process stress like a poison. It shuts me down. Every muscle in my body aches, every day. I have digestive issues, oral health issues, and now female health issues. I don’t have the option of setting my pain aside anymore, as I literally feel like I am rotting from the inside out! My body seems to be attacking me! I have always told women who run themselves too hard, that if they don’t rest, God will force it on them. I don’t really believe that He brings the darkness of sickness to his children, but I believe He can get you through it. It’s just my way of saying, if you don’t rest, you will be forced to. Well, here I am staring my own stubborn desire to put it aside and keep going, in the face. Makes me feel pretty hypocritical. How on earth can I stare these women in the faces and tell them to take care of themselves when I am not doing the same for me? I try to demand it, but I never actually do it.

So here I am today, I have spent the last three days in deep contemplation, about why I don’t know these things, and how to learn them. I am really thankful for the internet as a research tool. It gives me endless hours of looking for ways to put my plan into effect. I have spent years learning about home remedies and spa products, to try to figure out my health problems. They all feel great, but I never considered the health problems could be related to lack of decompression time, which is pretty ridiculous given who I am and the amount of time I spend researching things like sensitive personalities and complaining about how fast life is today. I can tell you I process stress through my stomach, but have been searching and searching for answers to my digestive issues for over thirty years. Hmmm…left the logic at home on this one, huh? Oh, I have physical symptoms as well. It’s a blood type thing, not making the digestive enzymes I need to process food. I got it figured out, but don’t feel a lot better. Gee, could stress be the problem? I made rules about stress this weekend though, and I am putting my stubborn foot down and sticking to my guns on this one! I will learn to take care of myself. I will learn to meet my own needs first (or at least second or third). First and foremost, I will be requiring some pampering! There is just no question about that. As soon as I started looking for ways to spoil myself, I was motivated. I started thinking first about a haircut, a cute one, not just a trim, which, by the way, I do myself in my own bathroom. I am going to get a hairstyle, and I am excited about that! It made me want to go through all of my old make-up, get rid of the old, yucky, and take an inventory. I decided I would dress up one day a week. I love my comfy clothes, but often wish I had a reason to put on more fancy clothes and go out. Who needs a reason? I am going to wear my heels and pretty make-up sometimes, if only for my husband and son. If only for myself. Today, I am going to splurge, spend the 8 bucks, and do some serious warm spring water soaking, and oh my, I am nearly in happy tears at the thought. I won’t lie, I cried when I told my husband I was doing it. He is such a good man. He was very supportive, at least of the ideas. We shall see when it comes time for me to put them in action. So far, so good!

I have made it my mission to get healthy, To get me healthy and meet my needs, and as I learn how to do that, I am going to share it here with you. Some of it may seem simple, and silly, but I am just an infant in this world. Realizing I do deserve a professional haircut was a huge step for me, or that I could spend eight dollars to go swimming. So, I am off for a soak in some hot springs, and let me tell you…I have no guilt whatsoever about it! Have a nice day all, and remember, God gave you blessings so you would utilize them…enjoy something nice for yourself today! It doesn’t have to be expensive, just relaxing! It doesn’t have to take a long time, 15 minutes in a hot Epsom salt bath is wonderful! Do you have a candle? Light it! Count your blessings, thank God for them, and then enjoy them!

 

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SNOW!

Finally! Snow! At least I think that is what the white stuff coming out of the sky is, and it is supposed to snow all week! Oh thank the Heavens! It has been way too long! I saw on the news last week that we are 80 percent below normal snowpack halfway through the snowfall season. Oh dear Lord, please protect us this summer! I am so worried about the lack of moisture. I remember the red skies and smoke filled mornings of fire seasons gone past, and dread what may be in store for us. The haze that hangs over the mountains, the orange flickers of flame shooting up from behind the peaks, and I worry that this may be by far the worst fire season I have yet to see. I heard a rumor that the last time it was this dry for the winter, Yellowstone burned. That would have been 1988 I think. I am nervous. Very very nervous, about what this spring and summer will bring us. I am afraid crops will be unable to grow for lack of runoff, and I am afraid there will be an overpopulation of animals that would have other gone to natural selection in the harsh elements this winter has yet to see. I am afraid that Yellowstone, or some other wonderful forest, maybe in my very backyard, will burn out of control, and we will endure another season of hazy red skies and the stench of woodsmoke everywhere you go. Don’t get me wrong, I love the smell of woodsmoke, but when it is consuming the very world around you, it gets a bitter smell about it that you can’t quite explain. I imagine it is the smell of green material burning. It hurts your lungs and plugs up your nose. It means you have to brush the ashes off your car before you can go to work in the morning. It makes for beautiful sunsets and sunrises, but it is always in the air around you and there is no escaping it. Oh, I dread fire season.

The ashes will probably help keep my cabbage moths at bay, which is the problem pest I plan to conquer this year. I seem to figure out how to manage one real pest a year. It took me forever to figure out ants. They don’t cross cinnamon, so I put a bunch of cinnamon down in my garden one year. It worked like a champ, or so I thought. I had the best plump red top sticking up all covered in cinnamon powder. I pulled them up full of excitement and anticipation, only to discover that they had just gone under the cinnamon, and there were a hundred or more ants munchin on the radish I pulled up. OK, I declare war! I really don’t want to pour a bunch of harsh chemicals on my garden, or in my soil, so I tried every trick I could find. Vinegar and honey in a dish, dishsoap and such and such… and every other recipe I could find. Nothing worked! I finally broke down and hit the local home and garden store. I was lucky enough to find Grants Kills Ants there. They are ant stakes. They poison the ant by taking it back to the queen, They work. They also come under a different name, but that escapes me right now, but it is the packaging that the competitor uses and is almost identical to the Grants package. I don’t have to put any poisons on my crops or in my dirt. Just stick the little stakes in the ground all around my gardens. I swear by them and I always have plump juicy radishes now! I am now battling the mighty cabbage moth! I have been battling them for some time now, and they got ALL of my Brassica’s this year! Oh I was unhappy about that! I have tried netting the plants, I have tried spraying with onion and garlic infused water…that works for a few minutes, but it smells so bad, like someone bottled up some concentrates BO and you gotta spray it all over them things every day….if the wind is blowing you get the pleasure of smelling like you used cologne eau du armpit that day! It was not effective enough for the little buggers to go away and it was way more work than it was worth! I am on a mission. Another person told me to put ash on all my brassica’s. Well, I am still trying to figure out how to do that, and I assume it will be the same as the spray and need to be reapplied every day. I will get thee…you stubborn cabbage moths!

I am enjoying the snow today, what a cozy day to sit at my blog with a cup of coffee. I have a big list of chores and projects to do today, and after two days of catching up on sleep, I think I am finally ready to bust out that list. I got a few things done yesterday, but not near as much as I would have liked. The few things I did get done will make today’s portion of the chores go much faster though.

I finally sat down and got to work on my Bible Study Homework for the week. I have been a little behind in my daily life as I learn how to add managing a fundraiser to my responsibilities. I did half of my homework last night, and I hope to do the other half today. I just love how God works in my life, and how the Bible study I am in always seems so prevalent in my life at the moment. I am amazed at the way God can take a subject matter, and draw something so pertinent to each of us through each study. Omnipresent, no doubt! I could not have had a more pertinent time to be in this particular study, and so far I love the book of James. I find that in the very first verses, I am blessed with a natural ability to see joy in what appears to be hardship, as I watch the women around me discuss this and read the commentary that Beth makes, I cannot help but notice how incredibly lucky I am to have a natural grasp of this concept. I am a humanitarian by nature, and I look forward to this Bible Study as much as I looked for ward to the Revelations study. I have had so many prayers answered this week. I would not even know where to begin to sum it up, but I think every single personal prayer I have put out there has been blatantly answered with the exception of the one big one, and I have no doubt it is coming in due time. When God feels like I am ready, He will put me there, I am certain, and I have heard His promise. I can be patient, appreciate the blessings and answered prayers, and see how each of them is leading me to the big one. I love God. He is so good!Last week I was feeling stagnant, as though I was here, waiting for something to take me forward. This week I see that I was moving forward the whole time, I just had not come public about it yet. Today I realize that I have had lots of small opportunities this week to get me closer to that big goal, all of which I handled and didn’t even realize I was handling till yesterday. I realize that this benefit is a huge deal, and as much as I went into it for my good friend and her family, it is opening a door to something bigger for me, which I never, ever intended on or considered. It has confirmed for me, a natural leadership skill, and it has opened doors to all kinds of new relationships, many of which could directly affect the formation of RMRR. I have also discovered that I am good at keeping peace among a group of volunteers, and that I can effectively reassure an overwhelmed volunteer that it will be ok.

In the last few days, it seems like a forum has opened up. It seems that everywhere I go, and whatever I do, I get some kind of opportunity to share skills and knowledge that I have acquired. The very skills and knowledge I will be sharing at RMRR. I feel like this has been a huge blessing. I have been talking about the books I am working on with a variety of people, and I feel like I have been blessed to get to work with this community!

My house is manageable, and I even find time for crafting. I am heading a huge fundraiser that is coming together beautifully, and I have a great family. I am being given lots of resources to work with and I am enjoying my Bible Study, with a new Bible Study Buddy! Yay! It is finally snowing, and I am looking forward to what promises to be an adventure filled week! Thank you Lord, for my bounty!

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Blessings in disguise

It’s funny, how I get overwhelmed, and want to write. It’s how I keep the thoughts from spinning around and around in my head. When I write them down, I can forget them, at least temporarily as I can always look them back up if I need the information. I have found it to be a useful calming and organizing tool for my mental status. It has been an eventful new year, to say the least, and it is only the tenth day of this year. As you may or may not already know, I have spent a lot of time in the last several months contemplating and pondering upon the state of our nation, and the world in which we live today. It leaves me in a bleak place, and a hopeful place. It is undeniable that change is happening, and rapidly! I feel pressure to get RMRR established, and at first glance, it would seem that forces are working against me. I, however, am glowing with faith. I feel so content that despite whatever challenges may present themselves, The good Lord is with me and mine. It seems we have been presented a challenge. I can remember a time when I might have halfheartedly tried to tell myself I knew it would be OK, through tears of despair. Today I find myself in a place of devastation, a situation that should make me want to cry. Rather, I find myself with the desire to sing. To praise Him. I feel like I have a beam of warmth radiating from my chest I have so much peace about the situation and just complete confidence that everything happens as it is meant to. I feel like whatever the reason, there is a purpose behind this challenge. It’s the kind of challenge that most people would be devastated by, and yet, I am thrilled. I eagerly wait to see what door opens for us with this change! I am ready for whatever it may be. I know these things are never what you expect them to be, so I am prepared for anything, within reason. All I know is that it reminds me a lot of Pork. Its kinda stinky, and messy, and dirty…but dang! You just know there is something delicious on the inside. My husband and I made a new catch phrase today. Because bacon’s yummy! That is our reminder that just cause things look less than desirable, or smell less than desirable, dos not mean there is not something nourishing on the inside. Bacon’s yummy, and so is ham, and then there are pork chops…don’t get me started on all the goodness that can come out of that one stinky, messy, sty of a situation. So, our new catch phrase when a situation looks ugly…Bacon’s yummy! And what appears to be a tragedy, at first glance, is more likely a door opening to our future.

Today I went to a meeting as the organizer of a benefit event that we are having for my best friends daughter. She has a rare childhood cancer, with low survival odds, and its gonna be one heck of a shindig. I am pretty excited, but it leaves me thinking about things like my leadership skills. I feel compelled to just keep pressing forward on the Rescue Ranch. I feel as though I need to focus my efforts on one project at a time. One major project anyway. I have two books in the works, and a rescue ranch, not to mention getting my license for therapeutic foster care. I also feel compelled to reach out to other people who need help, with resource counseling for example. I found two jobs today, work from home, in my area, on craigslist. Both of which I am qualified for, and both of which have a pretty small niche for clientele, or prospective persons to fill the role. I find myself in a position of desire. I feel as though I have been prepared for leadership. I am excellent at delegating responsibility, and  doing so fairly. I have excellent speaking skills and aced the public speaking class in college. That is one many people struggle with, and I think I am meant to use that gift as well. So, I feel like a leader. I feel like I have much to offer to our community, to our church, and to God…and His work. I feel completely open to letting Him work in me, and I try to keep preconceived notions of where I am going in check, as I realize that is up to Him, not me. I am blessed with a special gift, in which I am instinctively able to give my trouble over to God the moment I realize a situation is beyond my control, and find peace in knowing He will take care of me, and in the hardest of those days, He will carry me. Today, I feel like I am a housewife and a mother, and what an awesome place to be. I also, however, wonder why I would be gifted all of these skills so clearly meant for humanitarian and Christian work, only to sit idle in my house, being a mommy and wife? That question, I am still waiting for an answer to.

I am struggling a tiny bit with a situation in which I feel almost completely alienated from my church, and very lonely among my church family, and yet, every time I turn around there seems to be a subtle reminder that I am not alone. I am able to rationally evaluate the situation, tell you exactly why I feel alienated, and understand that none of it is personal, and still, I feel lonely for that bond that I usually feel among those women. I feel as if I have a ton of skills to offer to our church’s bank of assets, and I have reached out to offer them many times, but I almost feel as if they don’t know me. I feel like the church is my home, but my family is preoccupied with their own stuff, and hasn’t noticed I am in the room. A series of small let downs led to a feeling of huge disappointment. I have no desire to seek another church, but I am not very comfortable in my own these days. Again, I feel as close to my Lord as I ever have, and how do you compare the way the peace that comes with God’s love feels to anything. I am in a strange balance of peace and disappointment. I am enjoying y James Bible study very much, but with the course of events this week, I am a little blurry on the material I have studied thus far. Good thing we have to re-copy the whole book by hand. I will get a lot that way. I enjoy the way Beth puts things in perspective. I feel as though it has been a week full of answered prayers, and one big tragedy that I am confident will be much less tragic than it looks. I find myself desperate for a discipleship mentee… That is odd because I consider myself to be a baby Christian myself. How on earth could I possibly be qualified to disciple someone else?  It is also funny because just earlier today, I was crying because the person who approached me and asked me if I wanted to take a discipleship class with her told me that she doesn’t have time to finish it with me. I think I am going to ask another woman I look up to. I really hope she says yes. I feel hungry to do God’s work, and I feel like I have opportunities all around me to help, and somehow, the elders of my church cannot find a niche for me. I feel confident that I could get on a stage and make a difference for someone. Maybe just one person, but it would be worth it to help one person open their heart. I have exceptional skills in raising special needs children, to the point that a random insurance company called me and begged me to get licensed because I apparently have a reputation and my “skills would be invaluable to this community”, but the people in my church seem to blow me off when I offer advice or help. I feel like they dismiss me because I am just a baby Christian, what could I know? I know that they don’t have it right all the time, and I know that my heart seems to instinctively grasp a lot of the concepts about spirituality that most people struggle to grasp. I have a lot of skills and knowledge, and I want to share it so badly…but how? I feel like many of my God given gifts are being wasted sitting stagnant in this house, and I am having trouble focusing on what I have to do hear because I am restless for a change. I am restless to meet the pressure I feel about the ranch, our families health and well being, the ability to grow healthy crops and healthy children. I feel as though I have grown a ton, and come a very long way in my current residence, but I have reached a level I never would have guessed attainable in my world. I have peace and contentment. I see my blessings, and am grateful beyond expression for them. I have managed the goals that this house presented for me and now I have hit a ceiling. I do not feel as though I can move forward in this particular situation. I feel restless and fidgety as I wonder what I am supposed to do next. I feel very alone as I wait, quietly sitting and wondering when, what, where, and how? I think this tragedy is meant to answer some of those questions, even if only on a temporary basis. I know one thing… change is here. I just don’t know what change to expect. All I can do is give it to God and wait patiently. Who came up with that word anyway? Patience! Hmph! Well, if my endless rambling did not put you to sleep, it certainly did me, so off to bed I go. Sweet dreams all, and God bless!

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Daydreaming

Oh it’s so late and I should be in bed, but I am in this daydreamy place and I can’t seem to get my thoughts to quit whirlin’ so I guess I am going to daydream here for a bit. It starts with just one simple thought about my new plants that just arrived, and it spirals into a web of daydreams so entangles that I can barely sort it all out. I think of a bigger greenhouse, and permanent fruit beds…..trees, bushes. I start to think about a day when I can build a hoophouse that is large enough to garden in, rather than my little, great place to start seeds early, greenhouse. Then I start thinking about how much that will cost and how to get there. That takes me to a place where I start dwelling on writing a book and making up my garden planners. Thinking of writing a book and designing my garden planners takes me back to a place where I am daydreaming about buying a home again. Its a vicious cycle. Buying a home makes me think of the wonderful garden I will have one day, and the cute little garden shed I will buy, and the larger greenhouse and sunrooms…..

Permanence. This place is temporary. I don’t think we will live here forever, and every time I plant a bush or other perennial in the ground I wonder how long we will live here, on this rented piece of property. I wonder if we will move in the spring or fall and if I will have to leave them all behind. I think of it as training time. By the time I have my little plot of owned land, I will have lots of gardening skills. This rain may never stop, and then it won’t matter anyway, cause if things keep going this way, I wont be able to garden much longer anyway. I have responsibilities that I cannot focus on because I just want want get to that place so badly. I imagine it is like when you desperately want your baby to walk, only to realize time goes to fast and you want them little again. I used to daydream about a ranch full of animals, but that dream has changed slightly. I dream of a ranch on which I can house animals in addition to doing whatever other work God chooses for me. The Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch is going to be a beautiful thing. I believe it is what God has planned for me. Unfortunately I think I have to write a book to get it and I am in no place to do that at the moment. Well, I may be, but if so, I am having a heck of a time focusing on it. I think I am supposed to write a book about shame. I have also been asked to write a book on raising children with PTSD. Oh now that is a high bar….I am feeling a little unworthy of that task, but the therapist who asked me must have had some faith in me.  I can imagine sitting on my porch in my rocker writing to my hearts content. I cannot imagine the other order. My whole life I pictured going down a road that led me to a little secluded piece of land where I could write. I never imagined writing would be the path to that piece of solitude, but recently it seems to have been presented to me that that is indeed the answer.

I don’t know how to make myself do the research. There is always something else to do. I have tried scheduling in writing times, but just cant seem to stay focused on the task at hand. Writers block….better labeled researchers block? I guess I should pray about it. I was quite focused in the beginning, but now it is hard to prioritize time for research and writing. I love to do research about all types of stuff….

I earn a little money here and there doing stuff like babysitting, but this is the first time in my life I have been a stay at home mom and dependent on someone else’s income. That is difficult for me. I have been fairly self sufficient most of my life. It is good for me to earn a little, but what I really want is to earn enough to make a difference. I have spent the last twenty years trying to figure out how to become self sufficient with my many skills. It seems as though you have to specialize in one thing to make enough money to go out and buy big houses to do God’s work, and I often feel like my crafts and writing are nothing, never gonna get me there. Other times I really think I can earn enough money doing things like creating, that will get us there slowly but surely (that is the only real way to get ahead right?). I was always taught, easy come, easy go, so I assume that I am not gonna win a lottery (I suppose you gotta play to win). I get so distracted when I start trying to figure out what to do next…

My house has taken forever to make sense of, but it is finally getting there. I have been successfully managing chores and gardening, and it gets better everyday. Now if I could just get baking, crafts, and writing in there, I would have some completeness going on, and be earning. My “new” husband and I are finally, after almost a year, learning how to live together. It has been an uphill battle but we grow closer everyday. It is amazing how different two people can be and still be so in love with each other. As each day goes by, and I get better at managing a whole family rather than just my child and I. Each day, my husband and I get better at understanding and reading each other. It even occurred to me the other day that I might want to go back to college. I have not had that thought in such a long time. It was right outta left field. I don’t think so though…not right now anyway.

I wish I could get all the things done every day that I want to. I think I need to go back to writing my nightly lists before bed so that I can focus on the next day and work through some of the projects that I have been procrastinating. I am having the hardest time focusing. I hung all the chore charts so hubby and son could help keep the house clean, but that seems to have robbed me of the precious lists that I have become so dependent on in my lifetime. I am gonna go write a list for tomorrow. ‘ Night