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Released

So, after what feels like the longest period of rest in my life, I believe that I have finally been released from it. I woke up the other morning, with a sudden realization of what was causing this pain to persist, and got it all fixed up. I am so thankful for the release, but now that I think about it, I wonder how busy God plans to make me, the next several months. That is a long time to rest. Regardless, I am done resting, but still moving caution and awareness. I feel like I have been given the go- ahead to move forward with my rescue ranch plans, and I have a general feeling of  “Wheee….here we go..!” Hubby and I are on the search for the perfect little start-up ranch, we decided to rent for a few years before we buy, for a whole host of reasons.

I am back up in my kitchen again, and it feels so good to be baking, cooking, and preserving again. I have limited food to preserve, since there is no garden this year, but I still love to go to costco and get big packages of fruit and turn them into fruit leather. Yum! Grape takes an incredibly long time to dry! It feels good, really good, to see some of me coming out again. I have a desire to craft and I have a major quilt bug going on too. I am very excited at the prospect of moving forward with rescue ranch plans into a tangible place! I would be so thrilled to have a foster kid by Christmas!

My girlfriend with the baby girl who is fighting kidney cancer is home, and that is so incredibly exciting! I have not seen them for nine months. Her daughter was given some low number, like 30% odds, of beating this disease, and today she is cancer free. We keep her in our prayers, as there is a high likelihood of reoccurence, but what a delight to see her smiling face. Her biggest struggle right now is learning to eat solids again, and it is a real challenge. Her stomach does not know what to do with them, so it hurts to eat. The very first thing she did when she got to my house was ask for food! You as a reader, cannot possibly know how much I love to feed people, or how instantly flattered I was when she asked me to make her Banana bread! I went on a banana bread frenzy yesterday, and I am happy to say that I have one very large loaf in my freezer for her, and she has one very large loaf to work through. I also made a couple large loaves for my family.  My girl didn’t want nuts in hers, but she really needs the protein, says mom. So, hers are special, with the finest ground nuts you can imagine . In all, I made four batches of banana bread yesterday, and had I used a regular sized pan, I would have had 8 loaves. Wow….that is a lot of banana bread for one little girl. Oops, I realized later how happy I was to be doing anything for her at all. She asked if she could eat in my living room. I told her that for the rest of her life she could do whatever she wanted in my house, because she is my hero. I meant it. She is a good girl…well, except she can’t tell her mom no. That rules till applies to every child in my home. As un-progressive as it is as a parenting technique, and I am pretty well trained in brand new parenting techniques, well, I still find it to be true. You respect your mother and do what she asks. If you disagree, you may discuss it, but you may not say no or be disrespectful. Obviously, if a mother was asking her child to do something ridiculous or dangerous in my home, I would put a stop to it, but kids these days have no respect for adults. It blows my mind when I see the way some of my clients treat their parents.

I am hung up on the times around us. I have recently become blatantly aware of how many people think we live in a democracy. I think I learned that we live in a Republic when I was in the 7th grade. I am amazed how many people are unaware that this grand Ole United States of America is in a state of martial law, and we have been since 2001. I wonder how many people realize the ramifications of socialized healthcare. I used to support it, but a little research, and the state of our medical structure in the US scares the daylights out of me. I am aware of these “drones” that can be as small as mosquitoes or as large as a helicopter that are watching us, and now they are talking about arming them with rubber missiles and tear gas. I am as partriotic as a girl can get. My father fought in the Vietnam war and my grandaddy in wars before him. I cry when I hear the Star Spangled Banner, and I ache for our troops and their families. I am also, for the first time in my adult life, facing an election that I don’t want to join. Everything about the American in me says I have to vote. I HAVE TO! I mean, its what we do. However, how? who? really, I HAVE to? I just am so tired of listening to everyone complain about the President. First of all, we live in a system of checks and balances, and he can’t do anything without a whole slew of other people voting right along side him. Second of all, it doesnt matter who the president is, you never hear people saying, “Well, look what a good job our president is doing” Essentially, running for president seems like a job application to be the countries scapegoat while the congress and house of representatives quietly destroy our government. Now, I do not claim to be educated about government or politics, but I am just speaking, ranting rather, from my heart. Everyone complaining about Obama kills me. Not because I feel one way or the other about Obama, but because not only did most of the complainers vote for him, but everybody thinks they want change until they get it. Can you remember the last time you saw a huge change among masses of people without a great deal of resistance. People want change, until it means they have to change what they are used to, then forget it, who is this fool trying to change the way we do things. Bunch of hypocrisy if you ask me. Not that you did. I kinda took it upon myself to share, huh?

Someone said to me the other day. We need a woman president, but NOT Hillary Clinton. I stopped and said, wait. If not Hillary, than who? Martha? Oprah? I mean, plain and simple, it takes a person of a certain personality type to run for president, and anyone who does, woman or man, is going to have that same cut-throat, get to the top type of personality. The person I was talking to hadn’t considered that, but neither do the rest of the world who think a woman would do better. I am not saying she wouldn’t, I am saying that it takes a certain level of power hunger to want to be president.

So I am in a strange place, because I am in a place where I am facing things I have always refused to face…meaning end times stuff. I am not gullible, and I don’t jump on end of the world bandwagons, however, I am starting to feel like that person. I am seeing Revelations come true before my eyes. I half expect the Rapture to happen any moment. I wonder if God will take us before, or leave us here to guide the ones who are lost? I wonder if people are aware of those flying little drones, and of the mark of the beast. Do you all know that family in Florida that is microchipped? It is here! I hate it that it is here, because I don’t want to jump on that bandwagon, but I cannot deny it any more! Cameras on every corner, govt failing…and we are so closely heading toward a one world rule… I keep thinking its NATO. I wonder how much longer the US govt will make it. It can’t be long, at the rate things are going now. How do I talk to anyone about this without them secretly thinking I am one of them tin-foil hat junkies or that I think zombies are coming. I am not, and I don’t. What I do think though, is that God is getting  ready to give the Earth to Jesus, and it is going to get very messy getting there.

I feel a sense of pressure to get the rescue ranch up and running in time, and really, to make the preparations we need to make to be ready for whatever may happen. Whatever it is, it is here, and it is starting, and it is going to be really ugly. I also feel a sense of peace, knowing that God will make sure we have all we really need to do His will before that time comes, or as we need it.

I used to think I was a heat person. It could be a hundred degrees and I didn’t care, but I hated cold. Well, let me tell you how much that has changed. I CAN”T STAND the heat. YUCK!  I used to love it. Now, the cool comes and I get excited. Snow falls and I get frisky and wanna bundle up and take my dogs out for a good romp in it. I mentioned this to a healthcare professional once, and she told me that I would change me preferences every 7-10 years until I was sixty or so. That was an interesting tidbit, but I gotta say, today, I am not a fan of this incredible heatwave that is slowly passing through. It makes me nauseous, gives me a headache, and robs me of what little appetite I have. Bring on Fall!

Despite my rantings, I am in a fabulous mood. It is nice to be up cooking and baking and feeling like myself again. I have been through a crazy whirlpool of health issues the last six months, but I am finally up and moving again, and I couldn’t be more pleased. It is amazing the little things you take for granted till you can’t do them. It is so incredibly nice to be functional again. Thank You Lord!

I know it has been a while, but I think I am up and moving again, and the next few months should be quite the adventure as we find a little ranch or farm to get started on. I can’t wait to share it with you all. Until next time, have a blessed day!

 

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And so the cycle continues…

The cycle continues. I am nearly done with my business plan, and feeling pretty good about progress made on my path to the Rescue Ranch. I gave myself a five year plan, almost four and a half years ago. I believe I am right on schedule. I have reached a place where I have started looking at ranches for sale now. I am hung up on wondering if we should buy a house, on some acres, or are we supposed to be looking for something more commercial, like a bed and breakfast or a dude ranch for sale? It seems to me that anyplace that has more than one living space on the property falls upward of 2 million dollars around here, and well, it just appears that it would be cheaper to buy a house and some acreage for two or three hundred thousand, and add the amenities as we go. I am really unsure of what to be looking for here. I am also very aware that my last message from God was to sit, wait, breathe, relax, and get my back healthy and it would come to me. I continue to do those things, waiting ever so “patiently”. Patience may be the relative term here. I am excited. Oh so excited! I daydream all day long, of chickens and bees and Alpacas. I can’t get my huge garden and tiny orchard out of my head. The idea of a big kitchen in which to process all the wonderful goodies that I am producing is so enthralling I can barely stand it. I ache to feel my feet on the soil that will one day be known as Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. The one thing that has remained true, in both visions, is that the main home is blue, and there is a white picket fence, which, by the way, I have never wanted…or if I did I was unaware of it. I think if I see that home I will know where I am supposed to be. I just gotta find the home from my visions. I cannot remember the first one very clearly. I remember being in the garden, in a long, flow-y, white summer dress. I remember being surprised by the white picket fence, and who one earth wears a white dress to garden? I cannot remember if the house was the same as the one in the second, much more clearly defined, vision. I do not know if they were the same color or size, but I am dying to find that home and yard, and when I do, I will know it. I remember they were both blue. Anyway, when I do find what I am looking for, blue or not, I am sure it will be glaringly apparent.

I have found myself on a strange and lonely path. It is not a bad lonely. It is a period of contemplation. I have found that I am having a hard time relating to some friends of the past, and making new friends in the most unusual places. When I step back and look at those new friendships, and where I am going, it is pretty obvious why some of these folks have come into my life, and when I look at old friendships, it reminds me of where I have come from. I love both groups so much. I have found myself struggling for words lately, as I have seen some of the friends I have known so long, beat their heads against the same walls over, and over, and over again. I wonder when they will stop torturing themselves. Why do they choose to only focus on the negative details? One friend cries and cried and cries for weeks over a hopeless situation. It affects everything about her days. I remember a time when I was in those same shoes. No matter how the situation was really presenting, I freaked out about the stuff I couldn’t change. It was torture. I would have done anything for happiness, but no matter what anyone said, I could not really hear them.  I needed something outside of me to change, for life to give me a break. Every little thing that went wrong defined my day and my life. I DO NOT MISS THOSE DAYS! I now struggle with being able to help my friend see that it is not something outside if her that has to change. It is her heart, her perspective, her vision of the situation, that has to change. It is not external. With a joy and contentment inside me, that I know comes from some simple choices I made, about perspective, I know that no matter how simple the concepts, wrapping your brain around them is foreign. How do we break the cycle from unhealthy self talk and thinking, to healthy self talk and thinking?I find it difficult to find the words this friend needs to hear, because I know that until her time, they will fall on deaf ears.

I find myself daydreaming of that joyful place. It occurs to me that I have had two visions with the same house in them. In the first one, my rescue ranch had not even been conceived by me yet, and in the second one it was a different perspective, but I believe it was the same house. I continue a cycle of daydreaming about chickens, bees, and alpacas, and I continue to daydream about canning and drying and putting up food. I got an upgraded dehydrator for mothers day and I couldn’t be happier about it. I LOVE dehydrating food far more than I ever imagined I could. I have some apples ready to go in this one. Next time I upgrade, I am going for the super heavy duty one! It is a gorgeous day, and I think I am going to try to get some gentle gardening done, and maybe clean my car real nice. My shoulder has been hurting so I will have to play it by ear and see what I can do without hurting myself. I had a doc recommend I get a back brace last week, and it has been fabulous for helping me stay in posture, even when distracted. I have some dwarf citrus trees I would really like to transplant, and it would be a fabulous day for it. I may have let one of them get to dry when I was really hurt to badly to take care of them. I am hoping it surprises me and comes back to a nice soft green place. I have found that often patience is all a plant needs to get a second chance.

Hubby is back at work, and my son is home with a bum tooth. Dentist can’t fix it till Monday, next week, so he will be going back to school tomorrow for sure. I have discovered a routine for cleaning when my husband is not here that works fabulously, I get tons done, and a wide variety of tasks get completed. I wish I could get a grip on my craft supplies. I have so many sewing and craft supplies that they are bulging out of every room I own..well, not really, but almost. I have many crafts that are ready to be put up for sale, but due to the lack of organization in my office, I just can’t seem to get myself to do it.

I started this post thinking about the cycles of abuse that people put themselves through, but got interrupted midway through. By the time I returned, my thoughts were back on chickens, and gardens, and a nice peaceful ranch. I am going to go work toward that for a while. Have a blessed day all…

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Like nothing I have known

Well, I tell you what, a bulging disk is like no pain I have ever known. Two weeks into Physical Therapy, and I have a slight decrease in pain. I can even sit at the computer for a few minutes without too much pain, as ling as I use good pasture and don’t look down at the keyboard. Nothing like acute pain to make you appreciate health. I have been aching to write, or read, or do anything really, other than sit and try to get comfortable for a moment or two. I cannot wait until the day I can get through one half hour without thinking about pain, or squirming for comfort! I will celebrate that day. I cannot wait till the day I can get through a day without Lamaze breathing techniques to carry me through. I must admit, so far nothing has been more effective for pain management than breathing. I have to force myself to use great posture all the time, which is hard when I am in pain all the time, I just want my whole body to relax so badly. I am getting a massage on Monday, this time on the request of my physical therapist, through a good, reputable, source, and who is aware of the acuteness of my situation. I am really, really looking forward to that! I have redefined my pain scale, as I had no idea pain levels got this high before two weeks ago. My old ten is really an eight. I thought I had felt the worst pain of my life a few weeks ago when I got that horrible abscess in my tooth that spread to my ears and eyes, but no…that was not the worst pain ever. The problem is not even so much the pain, it is that there is NO RELIEF from it, ever. I have spent twenty hours a day in bed for the last two weeks, and I am slowly getting to a point where it feels better to be out of bed than in it. That feeling lasts for anywhere from half an hour to two hours, depending on what I am doing, but then I have to get back in bed or the pain gets to the point where it controls all of my thoughts again. I do feel as though I can finally see some of the positives that come from this situation, but I do not know how the good Lord thinks I can handle this much pain? I have begged Him, pleaded with Him, gotten down on my knees in tears (kinda, I cant really get on my knees), and urged Him to rest His healing touch on me…but to no avail. There must be more to learn from this. Nonetheless, I am feeling hopeful, as I have gotten the pain below a ten and into the single digits a few times the last couple days. I also miss my most positive outlook, as even through happy thoughts, the pain masks them as negative. It is just hard to express anything with a smile, no matter how happy I am about it, and that is hard on the spirit. I am a positive person. I look for the bright side of things, and let me tell you, there comes a point in this pain where I do not recognize myself at all. Pain brings me anger, impatience, intolerance, and general lack of compassion for others. Those are not normal attributes to my personality. As hard as it is to make myself do my Physical Therapy “exercises”, I always feel a little better after a good PT session. While it hurts to perform the tasks, I love the simple little bits of relief I have when I am done. While I struggle to remember posture, and I crave a good relaxed sit so badly, I always feel better when I am conscious of my posture through the day. Ice is good. It hurts more when I first apply it, but as it numbs it feels better, and the long term effects have become pretty obvious to me.

When I start to look at the positives, which was incredibly difficult to do at first, but is getting a little easier as the pain subsides some, I realize that there are several great things to come from this. Because of my own flat screen and chore restrictions when I was a child, those are two areas I really struggle to find balance with with my own child. This pain has not given me a choice, I have had to learn how to ask him to do things, and stick to my guns about it. It is also an opportunity for me to get a long term heal and fix to a problem that has been harassing me for almost 8 years. It will be necessary for me to have good spine health to run a ranch while my husband is on the road for work. I also recall going through a very strange phase of boredom. I don’t get bored. I stick to the old adage that  “only boring people get bored”…well, I learned better on that one. A couple weeks ago I had no desire to do any of the things that I love. I couldn’t find the drive to sew, bake, craft, read, write…none of it. I was just plain bored and uninterested. I had no desire or drive to do any of those things. I just wanted to pack all of my stuff in boxes with very clear labels. Sounds weird, I know. My office is too small to hold all of my craft and office supplies. I am sure it was a desire to control clutter. It occurs to me that the timing of this couldn’t be worse, it’s spring garden time, and if I don’t get my garden going, it won’t exist this Fall. It is not the kind of thing that can wait till I am better. What occurred to me is that my husband and I are planning to find a house this summer, and that maybe I am not supposed to put a ton of energy into a huge garden this year. Maybe I am not supposed to buy a bunch of new fruit trees and perennials. Maybe this is God’s way of protecting me from myself, who am I kidding, I already knew that, but not in this aspect. I assumed I was meant to rest. I am a strong advocate that when you get knocked down, it is because you need to rest and aren’t taking the initiative on your own. Why do I tell every lady I know to take it easy or she will get knocked into bedrest, and then ignore my own advice? I slept 20 hours a day for the first two weeks. It shocked me that I was able to sleep so many hours, but there came a point a few days ago where that changed. There came a point where it felt as good, or better, to be awake, than it did to be asleep. I am now slowly decreasing my sleep hours and increasing my functionality. Slowly. My big lesson this week was “Slow down mama”. Still two hours seems to be my awake limit, but now, instead of two hours awake and six asleep, I do two awake and three asleep. I will take it. It has to be an improvement, and I must admit, that now that I know what real boredom is…sitting and doing nothing, trying to ignore pain….well, I am all sorts of motivated to do all of the stuff I love! Maybe I just needed to catch up on sleep. My son’s sleep disorders take a huge toll on me, and really limit my sleep availability. I wonder if I needed to sleep to find that motivation, or if that motivation was lacking cause I was simply exhausted. Maybe I got that motivation back because I have had a lot of hours to lay in my bed and put it all in perspective. It is pretty hard to have a ton of motivation in my brain, but not in my body. My tolerance level is getting lower, an indication i have spent too much time on the computer, so ta ta for now, my friends, and hopefully I can bring you more cheer and bright side soon…until next time, many blessings!

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Fighting to beat the odds…

Today I feel as though I am fighting against the world. I woke up in a wonderful, well-rested, and happy place. I am moving along nicely on my deep cleaning of the house, taking at a pace I am comfortable with. It was not to messy to begin with, so I don’t have a lot of pressure about it. I feel like everywhere I turn is a minor malfunction in my day or cynical advice or bad news, and yet…I maintain, however lonely it feels to be the only one smiling. Soon I will pick up my son, and he will be smiling, and I won’t be lonely in my happiness. Even he is being a pain in my behind today. He forgot his homework this morning, and I have to take it to him at school. Oh well… gives me an excuse to check out his latest LegoClub project. For those of you who do not know what lego club is…check it out! It is really a very cool engineering program for kids on a middle and high school level. They use robotic legos to problem solve and design, and then go to a competition once a year at our local college. I don’t know if it is always held at a college, but it is a national program. Here is the address   http://www.usfirst.org/roboticsprograms/fll     it is a pretty sweet program for any child that has an engineering mind. They learn how to do things like build and operate the robots that go looking for people in major catastrophes. The problem solve and trouble shoot, and each year there is a theme, such as transportation, and I think this year it was skin. They learn about the theme in their activities. For example, my son’s theme was transportation last year, and they spent the year problem solving ways to fix the road near their school that desperately needs to be redone. They talked about alternate transportation such as biking, walking, and the bus. He learns a LOT!

I am a sucker for the Michael’s two dollar grab bags. I love popping in there and picking up a couple every once in a while. They are always so brimming full of random craft goodies….yes, a sucker I am! Today I bought five….and you guessed it, choc full of craft goodies! A lot of the stuff is seasonal, like Valentines right after Valentines, and Christmas right after Christmas, you get the point, but usually there is a pretty decent assortment. Non-holiday seasons seem to be the best for just good old craft supplies.

I feel like everywhere I go today I have to patiently smile through tiny challenges. I had a good time with my client this morning, but, I almost got stuck there. My husband accidentally took my good set of keys with him on the road. The car FOB I have for the spare set has a short in it, and when I try to arm or disarm my alarm, I have to push the dang button for anywhere from five to five hundred times to get it to work. My car is too smart for its own good, and not very new. The two factors cause problems. It automatically arms the alarm thirty seconds after you get out and close the driver side door, whether I lock it or not. The car will not start if the alarm has not been disarmed with the remote, and if you disarm the alarm under the hood the car won’t start. Without that remote I am not even a little bit certain I will be able to get in and start my car.  Yesterday and today are the only days I should have to go anywhere, and he mailed the keys yesterday, so they should be here tomorrow. What a pain in the behind! “Patience, my child”…I can hear it ringing in my ears like a cathedral bell!

My friend asked me a question about my upcoming plans for a change. I barely got halfway through my first thought, before she interrupted to tell me details about how it’s not going to work. It was slightly frustrating, because she has no idea what I was going to say, but I just smiled through it. “I have a lot of faith” is not a comment she would have truly grasped the meaning of. So far, I have found that when God wants me to have something, no matter how hard anyone else tells me it is going to be to get, it works out easy as pie, so if I am right, and this is what he wants for us, then what is there to worry about? He will lead the way…I know it is true “blind” faith, however, I have seen the hand of God work in ways that I could not begin to explain, without you all thinking I am nuts! I had the privilege of hearing someone say, “you can’t see the wind but you know it exists”, one time…that sums it up nicely for me.

I picked up the first of my cool season veggies today, and I look forward to trying out my greenhouse for the first springtime run. It did awesome last fall. I was done with the garden bug long before the greenhouse was done producing. This year I can plan for it and I am pretty stinkin excited! Last week I did the inventory of seeds left over, and I don’t need to buy much this year, but I always do anyway. I am thinking of asking the landlord if we can put some bee boxes out back…I am not sure if he would let us or not. He is kind of an old fashioned guy, not at all sold on all “that organic crap”. Last year I tried growing stuff in tires. It worked great. He spent a long time one day telling me how I was doing it all wrong, they wouldn’t grow that way, and on and on and on about all my newfangled ideas. I was irritated, but he just a grumpy, ancient man…what am I supposed to say, so I smiled, and was happily, the first gardener I know personally to harvest watermelons out of my Montana garden! Ha take that you grumpy old man. The answer, smother him with veggies…that ought to teach him to tell me I am going to fail! The best part was a couple weeks later when my husband was working with his son, and they got to talking about gardening, and he told hubby that his dad had been telling him about someone growing veggies in tires at our place, and how great it was going! As rewarding as that was…why was he so negative to me? Anyway, this week I am going to plant my cool season starts, and I am incredibly excited about that. I have a plan for my brassica’s. I have not had the means to use floating row covers, but today I had an epiphany about one of my raised beds that htis would work good in! WoooHoooo bring on the brassica’s. Last year the cabbage worms got almost all of them! At the end of the season last year, I scored a bucketload of free planters on freecycle. A local landscaper didn’t know what to do with them all. I am looking forward to my container garden more than ever this year!

Well, on that note, I am going to clean out the greenhouse. You all have a great evening!

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Change

Ahhh change, and a little more sweet relief! My husband finds himself traveling for a period of time, and the guest on the couch has to go. It was already determined that he would leave before hubby did. It just didn’t feel ok to me, to have my husbands best friend sleep on the couch while he was away. It was a good thing anyway. He overstepped about a hundred boundaires while sleeping on our couch for the last month, but the last straw came this weekend when I got a homepage from my internet service provider reporting too much abuse coming from my IP address! Excuse me? How is that possible. Come to find out, that after being asked three times not to look at porn on our son’s computer, by both my husband, and me, he not only looked at some really nasty stuff…titles like sleazydates, but we got a virus. A BAD virus! Are you kidding me? We have been deep scanning my sons computer for two days. It takes twelve hours per round, and the virus attacked the antivirus software and opened up the camera. Oh you can bet I was livid. I was calm angry. At that place that comes after raging, shaking angry. Calm, quiet, ready to punch him in the face angry. I don’t hit. Never have, don’t plan to start now. Seeing white angry! You can bet when my husband looked at me speechless, overwhelmed, and not sure where to begin, I had plenty to say. When my friend started to talk, I told him he didn’t get to talk. We had talked to him about this three times. It was disrespectful to our home, and everyone in it. He not only had the nerve to access that stuff while my respite client was here, and five feet away on the couch, he also knew of the virus, shut down the computer, and went to bed without telling anyone. Oh livid! When I was done, I apologized to my husband and son for what they had heard, and how mean I had been, and my son actually told me he had never heard me be that mean before. I can promise you one thing, and one thing for sure…Messing with pornography and my son all in one motion will get you to my deepest rage. That is a promise. I am a kind, caring, nurturing, and compassionate person. I have even spent a moment or two dwelling that my friend is out there, alone. Not a friend in the world. Lost his wife, his house, his job, in one day, and only sees his child occasionally now. Our other good friends turned their backs on him. He is a good friend, he made a very rude and disrespectful mistake, but I do get where he is coming from, and it most certainly the sin that I hate here, not so much the sinner. Him, I am angry at. The fact that he is lost and wandering in a dark world is not surprising, as it seems the norm when I evaluate the behavior of myself and others coming out of a long term relationship. I am not saying everyone handles loss with porn, I am saying that every divorce or separation I have seen has come with some sort of rebellion and irrationality. That does not excuse his inappropriate behavior in my home, and he knows to stay away for a while.  I was mean, I was vicious mean. Part of me feels guilty, but most of me feels like “how dare he?” I sent him away with the knowledge that he would be replacing my sons computer very quickly if I did not get it fixed, and that I would be sure that happened. I explained to him exactly how angry I was when I could not get to my little friends cancer awareness page, and that he had lied to me over and over and over again. I can forgive almost anything, immediately, if you can be accountable and own it. Lying to me will get you anger, mistrust, and a cold shoulder. People often tell me how big my smile is. Sometimes I am forced to remind them that while my smile is my favorite facial outfit, the rest of my emotions are just as big! Few understand that until they push me too far or see someone else push me too far. I am not a spiteful or vengeful person, I am just patient. I take a lot of crap, but there is a line, and when you cross it, that’s too much crap. I get cold and rational….and smart. That crushing wit I talked about…it leads my conversations with or without my permission. My husband thinks its funny. I think I need to control it well, but I am pleased that I was able to get my point across yesterday, and quite frankly, on a human level, it just felt good to tell him how badly he treated us and to get the hell out of my house…now. I hate it when I enjoy making a grown man cry. Thank God it doesn’t happen often.

The world is in a smoother, more relaxed place now. Bad friend off the couch and outta my hair, hubby off on a far away job, computers both clear and free of viruses and other malware, and the house is in a state of peace and quiet. I have the parental setting set so high in my sons computer, there wasn’t one piece of infected file attached to his account. I had no idea parental controls worked so well. The settings that high also prevent him from operating the camera, and yet the camera was activated, so I think I am just going to put a piece of electrical tape over his camera. My father in law laughed at me, but I saw a tv special the other day on pedophiles, and how easy it is for them to turn on your child’s computer cam remotely, in seconds, without anyone knowing. That scares the daylights out of me. My child is a teenage Aspergers nerd (I say that with the most pride and affection you can imagine). It is just that he would rather play an engineering game than talk to people or look at girls online, but that doesn’t stop people from watching him, and I am NOT ok with that.

I am pretty lazy and unorganized today, but with the start of a new week, I am looking forward to what the days should bring. I anticipate getting some lists made, getting my house clean, getting some crafts done, and getting paperwork responsibilities managed. I think I will get a chance to pamper myself one or two times while he is gone, and I look forward to a quiet, relaxing, clean, home. I think it will take me a week to get to that place. I anticipate the following week to be productive as I work on focusing toward the future and some of the responsibilities that come with getting to a rescue ranch. I can turn the heat up a degree or two, without anyone caring, and I don’t have to worry about my hubby being sad when I don’t go to bed as early as he does. My son’s sleep disorders physically limit this behavior in our lives, and so far we have not been able to find a solution to the fact that he hates to go to sleep without me, but I have to stay up with the boy, and he needs more sleep than I do, so he can’t make it through the week if he sleeps on my schedule. It will be nice to not feel bad about that.

The grocery store near our house is remodeling, and there are so many great deals to be had. I look forward to grocery shopping this week. It seems like everything is on clearance, which is not true, but a ton of stuff is. I LOVE CLEARANCE! It could be a hoarder tendency I think…I am not a hoarder, but I could be with the right amount of space and money…kidding. I grew up without a lot of money, and then was the single mother of a special needs child for ten years. I have a tendency to want to buy things cheap, and when they are cheap, to stock up. I think it is more a survival instinct than a hoarder tendency, since I like it all to be neatly organized and in its place with labels and dates.

I just remember the relief, when I was supporting two on less than four hundred dollars a month, when there was a spare shampoo under the sink for days when I had three dollars to my name. Speaking of that time in my life…if you are having trouble handling your finances, may I suggest Financial Peace University. Dave Ramsey. The man is a genius. I was able to support two people on under four hundred dollars a month, without accruing any new debt, for almost a year. My church paid for the class and materials for me, and I went. It was amazing. Nothing like I imagined it would be. He didn’t tell me I had to quit doing anything, he didn’t set strict rules I couldn’t will myself to observe. He taught me to make common sense changes in my life, in a Biblical way. I will go again and again to the classes (they are free once you have taken it once), and I would recommend, and will purchase the class for people in my future. I have already bought it for one person…my friend whose world was upside down. he didn’t make it through, but maybe when he gets back on his feet he will try again. I will offer these classes to the community when I start my rescue ranch. I feel strongly that the simple skills outlined in those classes can turn anyone’s life around.

Dinner is made and the dishes are done. Son is relaxing for a few minutes before he has to get in the shower and get ready for school tomorrow. Mutts are pottied and quietly snoozing. I have not bothered to turn on the tv today, but maybe I will do that in a little bit for some quiet background noise. I even got some food processed today that was not going to make it any longer in my fridge if I didn’t do something about it. I have roasted a turkey and a chicken in the last three days. That is a lot of white meat in my freezer. I got the clever idea to grind some up for chicken salad before I froze it, so all I have to do is thaw and add condiments when son wants chicken salad for a snack. Here is hoping it works. I tried to press as much of the air out of it as I could. I look forward to a lovely, quiet evening of list making and regrouping myself for my week that starts tomorrow. I love regrouping on Sunday night. A fresh start first thing in the morning is awesome. Especially on Monday morning.On that note, I believe I will go start my nighttime routine. You kids have a lovely day! God bless!

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Disorganized

Isn’t it strange how one day you can have so much clarity, and the next you are wondering if you have any of it right? My world has been upside down for almost a month now, and inside out for a couple of weeks. It has been an interesting course of events, this past month. It finally snowed here. I read on the news the other day that the rest of our state got 15 inches last week, but it skirted right around us. I live in the foothills of the mountains in Montana and it has snowed three…yes three times this year. What is going on? Regardless, we got a bunch of snow yesterday. Hubby worked hard plowing for 19 of the last 24 hours, and is now trying to get in a snooze before our valentines date at the church tonight. Poor guy is beat!

I have had so many strange turns of events the last few weeks, and most of them jive with everything I perceived happening around me, with little exceptions. Hubby is looking down a path that, should he follow, will change everything about the location I was hoping was the plan for the rescue ranch. He may have an opportunity to grow in his career, and within a certain reasonable limit, I completely support him doing whatever he feels called to do with his career. I also have my mind open to the idea the God will take me wherever I am supposed to be, and I just have to trust Him, so if hubby’s job takes him elsewhere, then I guess I am meant to do the rescue ranch elsewhere. All my adult life I have felt called to a place just a few hours North of here, and I am very open to the possibility that I am supposed to take the rescue ranch up there… If hubby is transferred, I would be forced to conclude that this is the case.

My world has been overwhelming. I allude to the Highly Sensitive Personality type often, and today, this factor comes into play in my life again. With a guest on my couch, and his crazy dog to boot, life has been overwhelming. As a highly sensitive person, I require a great deal of “down” time, or “recovery” time. It is exhausting to me to be around constant noise and stimulation. I am a person who can happily sit in a candlelit room and do nothing at all for long periods of time…

I have a friend in need, who does not understand what comfortable silence is. One who cannot sit alone for five minutes without some kind of stimulation, even if it is a book or tv. I have never seen him just be still. Our world’s are foreign to each other, and it makes me realize how much my husband and I really do have in common. We have dogs. We are pack people. My husband and I joke about how much you appreciate the pack members you chose when a stray shows up…

I never realized how much my husband and I have in common until this friend showed up, and took for granted things that neither my husband, nor I, would ever consider as guests in anyone’s home. I realized in little behaviors, how similar hubby and I are as far as things like attention to detail, self direction, common sense and logic. I am so very thankful that my hubby needs quiet time as badly as I do. He is not a Highly Sensitive person, but he does get overwhelmed fairly easily when he gets no relax time.

I spent the last week getting more and more overwhelmed. I finally had a complete breakdown a few days ago, after a series of uncomfortable events, and sat down and wrote about fourteen pages of prayer, asking for guidance and wisdom in my situation. I asked for patience and understanding from hubby while I presented my issues, and I just put it out there for Him, raw. I slept on it, got up in am, waited till hubby was ready, and brought it up through tears. Hubby was patient, understanding, and not at all defensive. He addressed the issue immediately. Unfortunately, the issue came up again, and I had to address it myself. I had really hoped that our guest would respect my husband, but he did not, and I had to confront him. I hate confrontation. I am not good at it, but it worked, nonetheless. My issues are resolved, I feel like my home is a home again, and that is big considering last week I felt like it was the evils ones dormitory! I started my conversation with my hubby by telling him that I was trying to glorify God, and I felt like we were living in a dark cloud of sin, and that God was not at all happy with the goings on in this home, and that we would not get to move forward while we were living this way. That got his attention and he immediately handled it. I feel like I have a Christian home again, and that praying for guidance and approaching it the way I did really helped to avoid an argument. I am so thankful that my husband wants to glorify God as much as I do. That makes things much easier.

Meanwhile, there is so much going on, and so many thoughts in my brain about what I should be doing, where my goals are, what I need to be doing, what I want to be doing, and just little ideas about life, that I cannot seem to get into that place where I have a grip on it all. I used to make a list or two every night before bed. I have not been able to bring myself to do that in almost three weeks. I just can’t seem to get focused, and I am not sure what to do about it. I used to have a stretching routine that I did when I was overwhelmed or just needed quiet. I have not done it since I moved into this house almost three years ago. I think about it once in a while, but I just never get around to it. I think it would help me greatly to reinstate that habit in my life. I feel like we are close to a place where we get to move forward on our path, and I really have the strangest desire to just start packing up my stuff and making sure I am all sorted out and ready to go when it is time. I know that is silly. Buying a house takes months, and I will have plenty of time to pack and get ready and sorted when we make that leap, so why the sudden desire to start packing. Maybe it is because I am picturing it wrong? I assumed when we moved, we could take as long as we wanted to move our stuff from this home to out next, as it is not rented and there is no real hurry for us to get out. I always picture moving being a two or three week event of taking things as we were ready for them at a nice leisurely pace. Who am I kidding? I have moved a lot and never has it been peaceful, relaxing, or leisurely. I don’t know why this strange urge. Maybe it is just because I need to do some compartmentalizing and that seems to be an effective way. I had a high school English teacher once, who had us write our name on the middle of a piece of paper, draw a circle around it, and the draw lines to smaller circles projecting out from the center, descriptive words and phrases about the topic. I feel like I want to do a huge chart like that. I have a lot of separate issues that I would like to do that with, but they all tie back to one or two main jumping off places. I have tried a couple of times, but it is just too much, I can’t fit it all on one piece of paper. Maybe a notebook, full of pages of those diagrams? I started a notebook of lists, but I don’t know where I have placed it. There was even a list of lists I want to make in that notebook. What a weirdo!

Normally, this time of year, I would be obsessing impatiently about my garden. For some reason, this year, I have no desire or drive to even think about it. I am not sure if it is because I am still waiting for winter to happen, or if it is because I don’t feel like I can get a grip on my indoor projects this year, much less planning outdoor ones. This winter has been weird. We have all been sick more than normal, there has been no snow, life has been turned upside down and inside out. I feel like I have completely lost crafting time as part of my routine, and I have not done most of the things that I enjoy doing all winter long. I haven’t even flipped the power switch on my sewing machine. I have dug through the patterns, gotten distracted and walked away. So far very little baking or cooking, and well, I just really don’t know what happened to this season. I got a rough draft of my business plan kinda written, and well, as far as I can tell, that is about it. I guess I spent a good portion of November and December very ill, and got nothing done those two months, but still, what happened to this winter? Oh, I also pulled off my first fundraiser, successfully, so I guess I should give myself some credit, but I feel all outta sorts, wondering how to organize the mess of thoughts in my head.

Now that you have wasted a good portion of your day reading through the very mundane thoughts in my head, I hope that you have a lovely afternoon, and hopefully I will have something more profound next time! God bless…

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Pen to paper

Today I just have a desire to write. Nothing in particular, and a whole lot of everything on my mind. I have found my brain to be full of fleeting thoughts today. The latest being my resume. I was thinking about qualifications I might possess. It just went in and out, but was a moment of passing moments. Times and things I have done to gain the experiences necessary to Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. I feel inclined to write a timeline, or a resume that details my preparedness for Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. This is something I need to do for me, I think, so that perhaps I can see more clearly what I should be focusing on. I want to ponder on Bible study tonight, and the upcoming weeks in my life. I want to reflect and wander through my brain. I am tired, but not too tired to think. I want to process through the shock that I feel after the benefit, and the shock waves bouncing in the aftermath…beautiful shock waves of support pouring in, as a result of news coverage of the event. I want to ponder on my husbands possible opportunity, and I am desperate for some crafting time, but I have to clean first, as chores were desperately neglected last week while I was busy preparing for my event. All sorts of fleeting thoughts, but I got stuck on the timeline thought. I feel a compulsion to sit down with a pad of paper, and outline how my life has prepared me for Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. I feel compelled to detail my childhood and my teen years, as well as my education, parenting background, humanitarian background, and non-profit and ranch work. Somehow, I think this is supposed to give me some perspective. i am not sure what yet, but I will let you know when I figure it out. For now, I am going to do that. Nitey night all…

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Rested and recovered

Ahhh…much better. I spent most of yesterday and even part of today laying around or sleeping. I feel pretty rested, but also overwhelmed. I feel somewhat restless, but don’t seem to have any focus. Most of today is a blur, but I did stay productive for a good portion of it. I am feeling pretty desperate for some kind of direction, and I don’t know where to focus. My spay/neuter coordinator called me today to tell me she wants to do a fundraiser to try to get a new van for the spay/neuter task force. I told her we just had to pick something and do it. I also started a cookbook project with my little friends dad, both to raise money for her medical costs, and to raise cancer awareness. We are going to make a cancer fighting recipes cookbook in honor of my friend. I never imagined I would be so involved with cancer awareness, but it seems as though that is going to become a big part of my life for the rest of my life. It seems completely feasible that Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch could easily add a couple of annual cancer awareness fundraisers. Two a year would be pretty awesome. Heck, one a year would be great. Especially if the ranch I envision purchasing is in the plan. I don’t know if it is or not, but I just keep thinking it would be perfect. I wonder if I can sell my crafts successfully. I guess I need to get time to finish making them first. I have a feeling that things are going to get less productive before they get more productive. I think the benefit was refreshing, but I also feel more confused than ever. I have so many things I want to focus on. I want to tell people what a Highly sensitive person is. I want to educate people about food and health. I want to educate people about PTSD and Shame. I want to tell people about God’s wonder and awesomeness! I want to daydream about my future, and I want to work toward it too.. I feel a bit stuck in that regard. I don’t know how to move forward form where I stand. I had a hugely successful evening on Saturday, but now what. I am doing a bunch of great stuff for my little friend, and I know that a side effect of that is that it gives me skills and connections that will be highly beneficial for me at the rescue ranch, but none of it helps me to move forward in securing a piece of land, and getting a ranch established, so that leaves me wondering what I am missing. I have a myriad of things I want to do, I need to do, and I have to do…and yet, I can’t figure out what is most important to focus on, plus, I feel like my world that was slightly upside down, is about to be pure chaos. I am a highly senstive person. I need down time. I already feel the stress of lack of space where I can get the peace and quiet “recoup” time that I so crave and require to function effectively. I feel energy pouring out the bottom of my feet in a way that only happens when I am really abundant in energy. Decompression is crucial, and if I don’t figure that out soon I will become pretty ineffective. At this moment I feel like I am walking around in a cloud of energy, and I am happy to say that it is energy soaked up at a very positive and love filled event, and so I am really kinda being carried by that energy. When that fades I am going to crash hard! I would like to be able to take preventative measures and prevent that from happening, but when I woke up today, I had nothing to do Wednesday through Saturday, away from the home. By noon I was booked for Wed, Thurs, and Friday. Umm… That is going to hurt by next week, and I don’t foresee routine or the big change I am hoping for coming fast or without some big struggle… I am sure the abundance will play out in a positive way, but I am at a point where I am a little concerned about my mental health if I don’t get away from it all for a minute…or thirty. If you are curious about the highly sensitive personality, you can follow this link to learn more.  http://www.hsperson.com/ It also goes hand in hand with blood type diet, and that is another issue I would like to discuss here. I feel a need to prioritize all of my goals, dreams, and ambitions, so I can figure out how to move forward. My husband has come across an opportunity that could be outstanding, and answer a big question I had about what he would do on the rescue ranch. I can see how this opportunity could fit very well if it pans out for him. It could also mean a long wait. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do. I also feel a slight frustration with the foster care/respite care situation, because I don;t know how to do it in this house. I won’t be able to pass the inspection I need to get the licensing in this house, I don’t have the necessary extra bedroom, much less the right stuff, like fire extinguisher, and the means to lock up all meds. I don’t know exactly what to do about this, and I don’t know how to get the stuff done in our current situation. I feel that it is nearly impossible for me to get that certification in this house, and finding a way to move forward is key in that goal. It seems that the more I crave and strive for routine, the more monkey wrenches get thrown in my plan. It seems like when I had routine, I thought I was bored, and since life got a little more busy, I can’t get a minute of routine to save myself. I am desperate for so many things, and I have no idea which one to tackle first. I also want to spend some time on my organizing and cleaning projects, and some pamper time for me with all my lovely homemade bath and body products. How do I prioritize them all? Even when I make a schedule, I find a bunch of distractions take away form that. Maybe that is what this phase is about, learning how to move forward and minimize distractions. I am gonna chew on that for a while. Well, it’s late. I should get some rest. Big Tuesday tomorrow, and I have not even started my Bible Study homework yet. Home my little one sleeps tomorrow.  Well, beddy by time. Sweet dreams and God bless you all!

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How much is too much?

What to say or what not to say, that is the question I find myself looking at. I sit here in the quiet of my office, pondering over so many things. The fundraiser, my role in the home, outside of the home, in the church, and out of the church. I have a strong desire to write, but I want to write about raw things. Things I am not sure I can or should put out there for the world to read. Do I want to bear all on the internet, or do I want to close this computer up and find my journal, my good, safe paper journal. I want to do some reflecting. I want to sit down and write out my goals and priorities. I want to put in perspective where I have landed. I want to make a resume as if I am applying for a job as owner of my rescue ranch, what qualifies me, what takes away from that, and focus on what still needs to be done. I want to reflect on my Bible study, and many other aspects of my life as well. I want to reflect. I want hours and hours to just sit, and reflect. I have a now and a couple of thens I want to reflect on. Then past and then future. A good stint of quiet time with no distractions would be great. I have about a million things I want to ponder on. The Bible, Revelations in particular. It occurred to me that the book of James might be the secret to happiness in life. I decided if Bible study continues to go down that oh so painful road it has been down so many times, I am going to tell those ladies to stop it. It has been going on for too long now and they need someone to tell them how judgmental they are being. Quite frankly, it makes me question my peers and I don’t know how to express my frustration. These women are older than me, more mature Christians than me, and yet, somehow I think they really miss the mark or struggle to grasp the simplest concepts and I feel at a loss, and blessed at the same time. Concepts that seems so simple to me seem to be too much for some of these women, most of these women, to grasp, and it leaves me feeling lonely. I feel overlooked in my church, like I have put myself out there many times, and they just look at me like Yeah right? What could you have to offer. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I think it developed over time. I tried to become involved, and nobody really took me seriously. I don’t feel like my pastor or his wife takes me seriously, and I feel blown off by the three women I admired most. I don’t really know what to do about this, but it is the only church I have ever felt completely at home in, so for now, I keep going. I think if I am right, and this blessing is disguise is really what I think it could be, then maybe there is a different church in my near future anyway. I want to do a sit down write up about how my life has prepared me for RMRR, and how God showed me the dream I never knew I had, but that is for my private journal for now.

We finally got snow, and I am stuck on the garden. I can’t stop thinking about growing my own veggies and fruits. I want to plant a garden, and an orchard. I want to buy some bees and some chickens, and I want to be able to take care of my family with healthy food in times of need as well as times of abundance. I wonder if there will ever be times of abundance again…wait, I know we are in a time of abundance, really, and that we are ridiculously over consumptive. I was trying to make a point that those words won’t work for. I long for a routine that allows time every day for chores, crafts, cooking, gardening, sewing, and writing. Oh my, I have big dreams! I might have to do some of those things a couple of times a week rather than every day, to fit it all in. I also work outside the home, providing childcare, one day a week, and it seems to disrupt my whole week. For now, it is necessary, but I imagine that sooner or later we will move further out of town, and I will have to give it up anyway.

I want so badly for this to be it. My chance to move forward. I am not sure if it is, but I hope so. I am patient, and I can wait as long as I need to. As much pressure as I feel to get the ranch going, I know the Good Lord will put it in my hands when it is meant to be. I wonder alot about the “coincidences” surrounding my dreams, and past roles in this community. I can’t get to specific here, but a past connection seems perfect and I wonder if that is supposed to play a part in my attempt to move forward. I need to get a routine established. Get on top of paperwork and other responsibilities. Well, it is time for me to be off to put my young one to bed, so I suppose that is all the rambling you have to endure for tonight. Have a blessed night my friends.

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SNOW!

Finally! Snow! At least I think that is what the white stuff coming out of the sky is, and it is supposed to snow all week! Oh thank the Heavens! It has been way too long! I saw on the news last week that we are 80 percent below normal snowpack halfway through the snowfall season. Oh dear Lord, please protect us this summer! I am so worried about the lack of moisture. I remember the red skies and smoke filled mornings of fire seasons gone past, and dread what may be in store for us. The haze that hangs over the mountains, the orange flickers of flame shooting up from behind the peaks, and I worry that this may be by far the worst fire season I have yet to see. I heard a rumor that the last time it was this dry for the winter, Yellowstone burned. That would have been 1988 I think. I am nervous. Very very nervous, about what this spring and summer will bring us. I am afraid crops will be unable to grow for lack of runoff, and I am afraid there will be an overpopulation of animals that would have other gone to natural selection in the harsh elements this winter has yet to see. I am afraid that Yellowstone, or some other wonderful forest, maybe in my very backyard, will burn out of control, and we will endure another season of hazy red skies and the stench of woodsmoke everywhere you go. Don’t get me wrong, I love the smell of woodsmoke, but when it is consuming the very world around you, it gets a bitter smell about it that you can’t quite explain. I imagine it is the smell of green material burning. It hurts your lungs and plugs up your nose. It means you have to brush the ashes off your car before you can go to work in the morning. It makes for beautiful sunsets and sunrises, but it is always in the air around you and there is no escaping it. Oh, I dread fire season.

The ashes will probably help keep my cabbage moths at bay, which is the problem pest I plan to conquer this year. I seem to figure out how to manage one real pest a year. It took me forever to figure out ants. They don’t cross cinnamon, so I put a bunch of cinnamon down in my garden one year. It worked like a champ, or so I thought. I had the best plump red top sticking up all covered in cinnamon powder. I pulled them up full of excitement and anticipation, only to discover that they had just gone under the cinnamon, and there were a hundred or more ants munchin on the radish I pulled up. OK, I declare war! I really don’t want to pour a bunch of harsh chemicals on my garden, or in my soil, so I tried every trick I could find. Vinegar and honey in a dish, dishsoap and such and such… and every other recipe I could find. Nothing worked! I finally broke down and hit the local home and garden store. I was lucky enough to find Grants Kills Ants there. They are ant stakes. They poison the ant by taking it back to the queen, They work. They also come under a different name, but that escapes me right now, but it is the packaging that the competitor uses and is almost identical to the Grants package. I don’t have to put any poisons on my crops or in my dirt. Just stick the little stakes in the ground all around my gardens. I swear by them and I always have plump juicy radishes now! I am now battling the mighty cabbage moth! I have been battling them for some time now, and they got ALL of my Brassica’s this year! Oh I was unhappy about that! I have tried netting the plants, I have tried spraying with onion and garlic infused water…that works for a few minutes, but it smells so bad, like someone bottled up some concentrates BO and you gotta spray it all over them things every day….if the wind is blowing you get the pleasure of smelling like you used cologne eau du armpit that day! It was not effective enough for the little buggers to go away and it was way more work than it was worth! I am on a mission. Another person told me to put ash on all my brassica’s. Well, I am still trying to figure out how to do that, and I assume it will be the same as the spray and need to be reapplied every day. I will get thee…you stubborn cabbage moths!

I am enjoying the snow today, what a cozy day to sit at my blog with a cup of coffee. I have a big list of chores and projects to do today, and after two days of catching up on sleep, I think I am finally ready to bust out that list. I got a few things done yesterday, but not near as much as I would have liked. The few things I did get done will make today’s portion of the chores go much faster though.

I finally sat down and got to work on my Bible Study Homework for the week. I have been a little behind in my daily life as I learn how to add managing a fundraiser to my responsibilities. I did half of my homework last night, and I hope to do the other half today. I just love how God works in my life, and how the Bible study I am in always seems so prevalent in my life at the moment. I am amazed at the way God can take a subject matter, and draw something so pertinent to each of us through each study. Omnipresent, no doubt! I could not have had a more pertinent time to be in this particular study, and so far I love the book of James. I find that in the very first verses, I am blessed with a natural ability to see joy in what appears to be hardship, as I watch the women around me discuss this and read the commentary that Beth makes, I cannot help but notice how incredibly lucky I am to have a natural grasp of this concept. I am a humanitarian by nature, and I look forward to this Bible Study as much as I looked for ward to the Revelations study. I have had so many prayers answered this week. I would not even know where to begin to sum it up, but I think every single personal prayer I have put out there has been blatantly answered with the exception of the one big one, and I have no doubt it is coming in due time. When God feels like I am ready, He will put me there, I am certain, and I have heard His promise. I can be patient, appreciate the blessings and answered prayers, and see how each of them is leading me to the big one. I love God. He is so good!Last week I was feeling stagnant, as though I was here, waiting for something to take me forward. This week I see that I was moving forward the whole time, I just had not come public about it yet. Today I realize that I have had lots of small opportunities this week to get me closer to that big goal, all of which I handled and didn’t even realize I was handling till yesterday. I realize that this benefit is a huge deal, and as much as I went into it for my good friend and her family, it is opening a door to something bigger for me, which I never, ever intended on or considered. It has confirmed for me, a natural leadership skill, and it has opened doors to all kinds of new relationships, many of which could directly affect the formation of RMRR. I have also discovered that I am good at keeping peace among a group of volunteers, and that I can effectively reassure an overwhelmed volunteer that it will be ok.

In the last few days, it seems like a forum has opened up. It seems that everywhere I go, and whatever I do, I get some kind of opportunity to share skills and knowledge that I have acquired. The very skills and knowledge I will be sharing at RMRR. I feel like this has been a huge blessing. I have been talking about the books I am working on with a variety of people, and I feel like I have been blessed to get to work with this community!

My house is manageable, and I even find time for crafting. I am heading a huge fundraiser that is coming together beautifully, and I have a great family. I am being given lots of resources to work with and I am enjoying my Bible Study, with a new Bible Study Buddy! Yay! It is finally snowing, and I am looking forward to what promises to be an adventure filled week! Thank you Lord, for my bounty!