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Released

So, after what feels like the longest period of rest in my life, I believe that I have finally been released from it. I woke up the other morning, with a sudden realization of what was causing this pain to persist, and got it all fixed up. I am so thankful for the release, but now that I think about it, I wonder how busy God plans to make me, the next several months. That is a long time to rest. Regardless, I am done resting, but still moving caution and awareness. I feel like I have been given the go- ahead to move forward with my rescue ranch plans, and I have a general feeling of  “Wheee….here we go..!” Hubby and I are on the search for the perfect little start-up ranch, we decided to rent for a few years before we buy, for a whole host of reasons.

I am back up in my kitchen again, and it feels so good to be baking, cooking, and preserving again. I have limited food to preserve, since there is no garden this year, but I still love to go to costco and get big packages of fruit and turn them into fruit leather. Yum! Grape takes an incredibly long time to dry! It feels good, really good, to see some of me coming out again. I have a desire to craft and I have a major quilt bug going on too. I am very excited at the prospect of moving forward with rescue ranch plans into a tangible place! I would be so thrilled to have a foster kid by Christmas!

My girlfriend with the baby girl who is fighting kidney cancer is home, and that is so incredibly exciting! I have not seen them for nine months. Her daughter was given some low number, like 30% odds, of beating this disease, and today she is cancer free. We keep her in our prayers, as there is a high likelihood of reoccurence, but what a delight to see her smiling face. Her biggest struggle right now is learning to eat solids again, and it is a real challenge. Her stomach does not know what to do with them, so it hurts to eat. The very first thing she did when she got to my house was ask for food! You as a reader, cannot possibly know how much I love to feed people, or how instantly flattered I was when she asked me to make her Banana bread! I went on a banana bread frenzy yesterday, and I am happy to say that I have one very large loaf in my freezer for her, and she has one very large loaf to work through. I also made a couple large loaves for my family.  My girl didn’t want nuts in hers, but she really needs the protein, says mom. So, hers are special, with the finest ground nuts you can imagine . In all, I made four batches of banana bread yesterday, and had I used a regular sized pan, I would have had 8 loaves. Wow….that is a lot of banana bread for one little girl. Oops, I realized later how happy I was to be doing anything for her at all. She asked if she could eat in my living room. I told her that for the rest of her life she could do whatever she wanted in my house, because she is my hero. I meant it. She is a good girl…well, except she can’t tell her mom no. That rules till applies to every child in my home. As un-progressive as it is as a parenting technique, and I am pretty well trained in brand new parenting techniques, well, I still find it to be true. You respect your mother and do what she asks. If you disagree, you may discuss it, but you may not say no or be disrespectful. Obviously, if a mother was asking her child to do something ridiculous or dangerous in my home, I would put a stop to it, but kids these days have no respect for adults. It blows my mind when I see the way some of my clients treat their parents.

I am hung up on the times around us. I have recently become blatantly aware of how many people think we live in a democracy. I think I learned that we live in a Republic when I was in the 7th grade. I am amazed how many people are unaware that this grand Ole United States of America is in a state of martial law, and we have been since 2001. I wonder how many people realize the ramifications of socialized healthcare. I used to support it, but a little research, and the state of our medical structure in the US scares the daylights out of me. I am aware of these “drones” that can be as small as mosquitoes or as large as a helicopter that are watching us, and now they are talking about arming them with rubber missiles and tear gas. I am as partriotic as a girl can get. My father fought in the Vietnam war and my grandaddy in wars before him. I cry when I hear the Star Spangled Banner, and I ache for our troops and their families. I am also, for the first time in my adult life, facing an election that I don’t want to join. Everything about the American in me says I have to vote. I HAVE TO! I mean, its what we do. However, how? who? really, I HAVE to? I just am so tired of listening to everyone complain about the President. First of all, we live in a system of checks and balances, and he can’t do anything without a whole slew of other people voting right along side him. Second of all, it doesnt matter who the president is, you never hear people saying, “Well, look what a good job our president is doing” Essentially, running for president seems like a job application to be the countries scapegoat while the congress and house of representatives quietly destroy our government. Now, I do not claim to be educated about government or politics, but I am just speaking, ranting rather, from my heart. Everyone complaining about Obama kills me. Not because I feel one way or the other about Obama, but because not only did most of the complainers vote for him, but everybody thinks they want change until they get it. Can you remember the last time you saw a huge change among masses of people without a great deal of resistance. People want change, until it means they have to change what they are used to, then forget it, who is this fool trying to change the way we do things. Bunch of hypocrisy if you ask me. Not that you did. I kinda took it upon myself to share, huh?

Someone said to me the other day. We need a woman president, but NOT Hillary Clinton. I stopped and said, wait. If not Hillary, than who? Martha? Oprah? I mean, plain and simple, it takes a person of a certain personality type to run for president, and anyone who does, woman or man, is going to have that same cut-throat, get to the top type of personality. The person I was talking to hadn’t considered that, but neither do the rest of the world who think a woman would do better. I am not saying she wouldn’t, I am saying that it takes a certain level of power hunger to want to be president.

So I am in a strange place, because I am in a place where I am facing things I have always refused to face…meaning end times stuff. I am not gullible, and I don’t jump on end of the world bandwagons, however, I am starting to feel like that person. I am seeing Revelations come true before my eyes. I half expect the Rapture to happen any moment. I wonder if God will take us before, or leave us here to guide the ones who are lost? I wonder if people are aware of those flying little drones, and of the mark of the beast. Do you all know that family in Florida that is microchipped? It is here! I hate it that it is here, because I don’t want to jump on that bandwagon, but I cannot deny it any more! Cameras on every corner, govt failing…and we are so closely heading toward a one world rule… I keep thinking its NATO. I wonder how much longer the US govt will make it. It can’t be long, at the rate things are going now. How do I talk to anyone about this without them secretly thinking I am one of them tin-foil hat junkies or that I think zombies are coming. I am not, and I don’t. What I do think though, is that God is getting  ready to give the Earth to Jesus, and it is going to get very messy getting there.

I feel a sense of pressure to get the rescue ranch up and running in time, and really, to make the preparations we need to make to be ready for whatever may happen. Whatever it is, it is here, and it is starting, and it is going to be really ugly. I also feel a sense of peace, knowing that God will make sure we have all we really need to do His will before that time comes, or as we need it.

I used to think I was a heat person. It could be a hundred degrees and I didn’t care, but I hated cold. Well, let me tell you how much that has changed. I CAN”T STAND the heat. YUCK!  I used to love it. Now, the cool comes and I get excited. Snow falls and I get frisky and wanna bundle up and take my dogs out for a good romp in it. I mentioned this to a healthcare professional once, and she told me that I would change me preferences every 7-10 years until I was sixty or so. That was an interesting tidbit, but I gotta say, today, I am not a fan of this incredible heatwave that is slowly passing through. It makes me nauseous, gives me a headache, and robs me of what little appetite I have. Bring on Fall!

Despite my rantings, I am in a fabulous mood. It is nice to be up cooking and baking and feeling like myself again. I have been through a crazy whirlpool of health issues the last six months, but I am finally up and moving again, and I couldn’t be more pleased. It is amazing the little things you take for granted till you can’t do them. It is so incredibly nice to be functional again. Thank You Lord!

I know it has been a while, but I think I am up and moving again, and the next few months should be quite the adventure as we find a little ranch or farm to get started on. I can’t wait to share it with you all. Until next time, have a blessed day!

 

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Change

Ahhh change, and a little more sweet relief! My husband finds himself traveling for a period of time, and the guest on the couch has to go. It was already determined that he would leave before hubby did. It just didn’t feel ok to me, to have my husbands best friend sleep on the couch while he was away. It was a good thing anyway. He overstepped about a hundred boundaires while sleeping on our couch for the last month, but the last straw came this weekend when I got a homepage from my internet service provider reporting too much abuse coming from my IP address! Excuse me? How is that possible. Come to find out, that after being asked three times not to look at porn on our son’s computer, by both my husband, and me, he not only looked at some really nasty stuff…titles like sleazydates, but we got a virus. A BAD virus! Are you kidding me? We have been deep scanning my sons computer for two days. It takes twelve hours per round, and the virus attacked the antivirus software and opened up the camera. Oh you can bet I was livid. I was calm angry. At that place that comes after raging, shaking angry. Calm, quiet, ready to punch him in the face angry. I don’t hit. Never have, don’t plan to start now. Seeing white angry! You can bet when my husband looked at me speechless, overwhelmed, and not sure where to begin, I had plenty to say. When my friend started to talk, I told him he didn’t get to talk. We had talked to him about this three times. It was disrespectful to our home, and everyone in it. He not only had the nerve to access that stuff while my respite client was here, and five feet away on the couch, he also knew of the virus, shut down the computer, and went to bed without telling anyone. Oh livid! When I was done, I apologized to my husband and son for what they had heard, and how mean I had been, and my son actually told me he had never heard me be that mean before. I can promise you one thing, and one thing for sure…Messing with pornography and my son all in one motion will get you to my deepest rage. That is a promise. I am a kind, caring, nurturing, and compassionate person. I have even spent a moment or two dwelling that my friend is out there, alone. Not a friend in the world. Lost his wife, his house, his job, in one day, and only sees his child occasionally now. Our other good friends turned their backs on him. He is a good friend, he made a very rude and disrespectful mistake, but I do get where he is coming from, and it most certainly the sin that I hate here, not so much the sinner. Him, I am angry at. The fact that he is lost and wandering in a dark world is not surprising, as it seems the norm when I evaluate the behavior of myself and others coming out of a long term relationship. I am not saying everyone handles loss with porn, I am saying that every divorce or separation I have seen has come with some sort of rebellion and irrationality. That does not excuse his inappropriate behavior in my home, and he knows to stay away for a while.  I was mean, I was vicious mean. Part of me feels guilty, but most of me feels like “how dare he?” I sent him away with the knowledge that he would be replacing my sons computer very quickly if I did not get it fixed, and that I would be sure that happened. I explained to him exactly how angry I was when I could not get to my little friends cancer awareness page, and that he had lied to me over and over and over again. I can forgive almost anything, immediately, if you can be accountable and own it. Lying to me will get you anger, mistrust, and a cold shoulder. People often tell me how big my smile is. Sometimes I am forced to remind them that while my smile is my favorite facial outfit, the rest of my emotions are just as big! Few understand that until they push me too far or see someone else push me too far. I am not a spiteful or vengeful person, I am just patient. I take a lot of crap, but there is a line, and when you cross it, that’s too much crap. I get cold and rational….and smart. That crushing wit I talked about…it leads my conversations with or without my permission. My husband thinks its funny. I think I need to control it well, but I am pleased that I was able to get my point across yesterday, and quite frankly, on a human level, it just felt good to tell him how badly he treated us and to get the hell out of my house…now. I hate it when I enjoy making a grown man cry. Thank God it doesn’t happen often.

The world is in a smoother, more relaxed place now. Bad friend off the couch and outta my hair, hubby off on a far away job, computers both clear and free of viruses and other malware, and the house is in a state of peace and quiet. I have the parental setting set so high in my sons computer, there wasn’t one piece of infected file attached to his account. I had no idea parental controls worked so well. The settings that high also prevent him from operating the camera, and yet the camera was activated, so I think I am just going to put a piece of electrical tape over his camera. My father in law laughed at me, but I saw a tv special the other day on pedophiles, and how easy it is for them to turn on your child’s computer cam remotely, in seconds, without anyone knowing. That scares the daylights out of me. My child is a teenage Aspergers nerd (I say that with the most pride and affection you can imagine). It is just that he would rather play an engineering game than talk to people or look at girls online, but that doesn’t stop people from watching him, and I am NOT ok with that.

I am pretty lazy and unorganized today, but with the start of a new week, I am looking forward to what the days should bring. I anticipate getting some lists made, getting my house clean, getting some crafts done, and getting paperwork responsibilities managed. I think I will get a chance to pamper myself one or two times while he is gone, and I look forward to a quiet, relaxing, clean, home. I think it will take me a week to get to that place. I anticipate the following week to be productive as I work on focusing toward the future and some of the responsibilities that come with getting to a rescue ranch. I can turn the heat up a degree or two, without anyone caring, and I don’t have to worry about my hubby being sad when I don’t go to bed as early as he does. My son’s sleep disorders physically limit this behavior in our lives, and so far we have not been able to find a solution to the fact that he hates to go to sleep without me, but I have to stay up with the boy, and he needs more sleep than I do, so he can’t make it through the week if he sleeps on my schedule. It will be nice to not feel bad about that.

The grocery store near our house is remodeling, and there are so many great deals to be had. I look forward to grocery shopping this week. It seems like everything is on clearance, which is not true, but a ton of stuff is. I LOVE CLEARANCE! It could be a hoarder tendency I think…I am not a hoarder, but I could be with the right amount of space and money…kidding. I grew up without a lot of money, and then was the single mother of a special needs child for ten years. I have a tendency to want to buy things cheap, and when they are cheap, to stock up. I think it is more a survival instinct than a hoarder tendency, since I like it all to be neatly organized and in its place with labels and dates.

I just remember the relief, when I was supporting two on less than four hundred dollars a month, when there was a spare shampoo under the sink for days when I had three dollars to my name. Speaking of that time in my life…if you are having trouble handling your finances, may I suggest Financial Peace University. Dave Ramsey. The man is a genius. I was able to support two people on under four hundred dollars a month, without accruing any new debt, for almost a year. My church paid for the class and materials for me, and I went. It was amazing. Nothing like I imagined it would be. He didn’t tell me I had to quit doing anything, he didn’t set strict rules I couldn’t will myself to observe. He taught me to make common sense changes in my life, in a Biblical way. I will go again and again to the classes (they are free once you have taken it once), and I would recommend, and will purchase the class for people in my future. I have already bought it for one person…my friend whose world was upside down. he didn’t make it through, but maybe when he gets back on his feet he will try again. I will offer these classes to the community when I start my rescue ranch. I feel strongly that the simple skills outlined in those classes can turn anyone’s life around.

Dinner is made and the dishes are done. Son is relaxing for a few minutes before he has to get in the shower and get ready for school tomorrow. Mutts are pottied and quietly snoozing. I have not bothered to turn on the tv today, but maybe I will do that in a little bit for some quiet background noise. I even got some food processed today that was not going to make it any longer in my fridge if I didn’t do something about it. I have roasted a turkey and a chicken in the last three days. That is a lot of white meat in my freezer. I got the clever idea to grind some up for chicken salad before I froze it, so all I have to do is thaw and add condiments when son wants chicken salad for a snack. Here is hoping it works. I tried to press as much of the air out of it as I could. I look forward to a lovely, quiet evening of list making and regrouping myself for my week that starts tomorrow. I love regrouping on Sunday night. A fresh start first thing in the morning is awesome. Especially on Monday morning.On that note, I believe I will go start my nighttime routine. You kids have a lovely day! God bless!

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Rested and recovered

Ahhh…much better. I spent most of yesterday and even part of today laying around or sleeping. I feel pretty rested, but also overwhelmed. I feel somewhat restless, but don’t seem to have any focus. Most of today is a blur, but I did stay productive for a good portion of it. I am feeling pretty desperate for some kind of direction, and I don’t know where to focus. My spay/neuter coordinator called me today to tell me she wants to do a fundraiser to try to get a new van for the spay/neuter task force. I told her we just had to pick something and do it. I also started a cookbook project with my little friends dad, both to raise money for her medical costs, and to raise cancer awareness. We are going to make a cancer fighting recipes cookbook in honor of my friend. I never imagined I would be so involved with cancer awareness, but it seems as though that is going to become a big part of my life for the rest of my life. It seems completely feasible that Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch could easily add a couple of annual cancer awareness fundraisers. Two a year would be pretty awesome. Heck, one a year would be great. Especially if the ranch I envision purchasing is in the plan. I don’t know if it is or not, but I just keep thinking it would be perfect. I wonder if I can sell my crafts successfully. I guess I need to get time to finish making them first. I have a feeling that things are going to get less productive before they get more productive. I think the benefit was refreshing, but I also feel more confused than ever. I have so many things I want to focus on. I want to tell people what a Highly sensitive person is. I want to educate people about food and health. I want to educate people about PTSD and Shame. I want to tell people about God’s wonder and awesomeness! I want to daydream about my future, and I want to work toward it too.. I feel a bit stuck in that regard. I don’t know how to move forward form where I stand. I had a hugely successful evening on Saturday, but now what. I am doing a bunch of great stuff for my little friend, and I know that a side effect of that is that it gives me skills and connections that will be highly beneficial for me at the rescue ranch, but none of it helps me to move forward in securing a piece of land, and getting a ranch established, so that leaves me wondering what I am missing. I have a myriad of things I want to do, I need to do, and I have to do…and yet, I can’t figure out what is most important to focus on, plus, I feel like my world that was slightly upside down, is about to be pure chaos. I am a highly senstive person. I need down time. I already feel the stress of lack of space where I can get the peace and quiet “recoup” time that I so crave and require to function effectively. I feel energy pouring out the bottom of my feet in a way that only happens when I am really abundant in energy. Decompression is crucial, and if I don’t figure that out soon I will become pretty ineffective. At this moment I feel like I am walking around in a cloud of energy, and I am happy to say that it is energy soaked up at a very positive and love filled event, and so I am really kinda being carried by that energy. When that fades I am going to crash hard! I would like to be able to take preventative measures and prevent that from happening, but when I woke up today, I had nothing to do Wednesday through Saturday, away from the home. By noon I was booked for Wed, Thurs, and Friday. Umm… That is going to hurt by next week, and I don’t foresee routine or the big change I am hoping for coming fast or without some big struggle… I am sure the abundance will play out in a positive way, but I am at a point where I am a little concerned about my mental health if I don’t get away from it all for a minute…or thirty. If you are curious about the highly sensitive personality, you can follow this link to learn more.  http://www.hsperson.com/ It also goes hand in hand with blood type diet, and that is another issue I would like to discuss here. I feel a need to prioritize all of my goals, dreams, and ambitions, so I can figure out how to move forward. My husband has come across an opportunity that could be outstanding, and answer a big question I had about what he would do on the rescue ranch. I can see how this opportunity could fit very well if it pans out for him. It could also mean a long wait. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do. I also feel a slight frustration with the foster care/respite care situation, because I don;t know how to do it in this house. I won’t be able to pass the inspection I need to get the licensing in this house, I don’t have the necessary extra bedroom, much less the right stuff, like fire extinguisher, and the means to lock up all meds. I don’t know exactly what to do about this, and I don’t know how to get the stuff done in our current situation. I feel that it is nearly impossible for me to get that certification in this house, and finding a way to move forward is key in that goal. It seems that the more I crave and strive for routine, the more monkey wrenches get thrown in my plan. It seems like when I had routine, I thought I was bored, and since life got a little more busy, I can’t get a minute of routine to save myself. I am desperate for so many things, and I have no idea which one to tackle first. I also want to spend some time on my organizing and cleaning projects, and some pamper time for me with all my lovely homemade bath and body products. How do I prioritize them all? Even when I make a schedule, I find a bunch of distractions take away form that. Maybe that is what this phase is about, learning how to move forward and minimize distractions. I am gonna chew on that for a while. Well, it’s late. I should get some rest. Big Tuesday tomorrow, and I have not even started my Bible Study homework yet. Home my little one sleeps tomorrow.  Well, beddy by time. Sweet dreams and God bless you all!

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How much is too much?

What to say or what not to say, that is the question I find myself looking at. I sit here in the quiet of my office, pondering over so many things. The fundraiser, my role in the home, outside of the home, in the church, and out of the church. I have a strong desire to write, but I want to write about raw things. Things I am not sure I can or should put out there for the world to read. Do I want to bear all on the internet, or do I want to close this computer up and find my journal, my good, safe paper journal. I want to do some reflecting. I want to sit down and write out my goals and priorities. I want to put in perspective where I have landed. I want to make a resume as if I am applying for a job as owner of my rescue ranch, what qualifies me, what takes away from that, and focus on what still needs to be done. I want to reflect on my Bible study, and many other aspects of my life as well. I want to reflect. I want hours and hours to just sit, and reflect. I have a now and a couple of thens I want to reflect on. Then past and then future. A good stint of quiet time with no distractions would be great. I have about a million things I want to ponder on. The Bible, Revelations in particular. It occurred to me that the book of James might be the secret to happiness in life. I decided if Bible study continues to go down that oh so painful road it has been down so many times, I am going to tell those ladies to stop it. It has been going on for too long now and they need someone to tell them how judgmental they are being. Quite frankly, it makes me question my peers and I don’t know how to express my frustration. These women are older than me, more mature Christians than me, and yet, somehow I think they really miss the mark or struggle to grasp the simplest concepts and I feel at a loss, and blessed at the same time. Concepts that seems so simple to me seem to be too much for some of these women, most of these women, to grasp, and it leaves me feeling lonely. I feel overlooked in my church, like I have put myself out there many times, and they just look at me like Yeah right? What could you have to offer. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I think it developed over time. I tried to become involved, and nobody really took me seriously. I don’t feel like my pastor or his wife takes me seriously, and I feel blown off by the three women I admired most. I don’t really know what to do about this, but it is the only church I have ever felt completely at home in, so for now, I keep going. I think if I am right, and this blessing is disguise is really what I think it could be, then maybe there is a different church in my near future anyway. I want to do a sit down write up about how my life has prepared me for RMRR, and how God showed me the dream I never knew I had, but that is for my private journal for now.

We finally got snow, and I am stuck on the garden. I can’t stop thinking about growing my own veggies and fruits. I want to plant a garden, and an orchard. I want to buy some bees and some chickens, and I want to be able to take care of my family with healthy food in times of need as well as times of abundance. I wonder if there will ever be times of abundance again…wait, I know we are in a time of abundance, really, and that we are ridiculously over consumptive. I was trying to make a point that those words won’t work for. I long for a routine that allows time every day for chores, crafts, cooking, gardening, sewing, and writing. Oh my, I have big dreams! I might have to do some of those things a couple of times a week rather than every day, to fit it all in. I also work outside the home, providing childcare, one day a week, and it seems to disrupt my whole week. For now, it is necessary, but I imagine that sooner or later we will move further out of town, and I will have to give it up anyway.

I want so badly for this to be it. My chance to move forward. I am not sure if it is, but I hope so. I am patient, and I can wait as long as I need to. As much pressure as I feel to get the ranch going, I know the Good Lord will put it in my hands when it is meant to be. I wonder alot about the “coincidences” surrounding my dreams, and past roles in this community. I can’t get to specific here, but a past connection seems perfect and I wonder if that is supposed to play a part in my attempt to move forward. I need to get a routine established. Get on top of paperwork and other responsibilities. Well, it is time for me to be off to put my young one to bed, so I suppose that is all the rambling you have to endure for tonight. Have a blessed night my friends.

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Let it snow….

Ah, finally we got some snow!

I am not a skier, and don’t particularly care for the cold, although I am finding I mind it less and less as I get older. I do, however, think that if it is going to be cold, there should be snow. I say this for lots of reasons. First of all, fresh snow is beautiful! Second, snow in the winter means less forest fires in the spring and summer, and of course, the more it snows, the more moisture available to the farmers in the spring (within reason, of course). I do find that cold is a good excuse to wear fuzzy clothes, which I do love. And, I find that when there is snow, those fuzzy clothes seem that much better! I enjoyed getting dressed up in all my layers for church this morning. Hubby is hunting again today. I hope they get something. I think the snow will help push everything down out of the mountains. I am going to come home from church and work on Craft Booth stuff. We picked up some glass pretty cheap at the half price sale at the thrift store yesterday. I think I will work on some candle holders, and of course keep plugging away at the paper, which gets a little better with each set of sheets I do. I need a new battery for my camera. If I take it in the cold it dies immediately. I can charge it and use it in the house for a long time, but the minute it gets cold, forget it, it’s dead. I am doing lots of crafts that I can write articles about. I am finding that the packaging is the most expensive part of the recycled and handmade goods. Really, a new camera is pretty high on the wants list, but far from a need. Because the how-to articles generate income, I will eventually classify it as a need. I was talking to a girlfriend this morning about alpaca’s. I am so impatient to have my hobby farm. I think I may end up having to start out as a hobby farm, on a rented piece of property, and then grow up into a functioning business. I am not sure but one thing I know is that I am desperate to start raising alpaca’s, bee’s and chickens…. I am desperate to plant an orchard. I am desperate to do so many things that come with having a little piece of land to call my own. I am probably most looking forward to a pantry full of canned and dehydrated goods, and a sewing space with all of my sewing materials accessible. I was so thrilled at my new sewing station, and my son took it over with his computer. If I even think about sewing, I can bet he is sitting there at the desk with his computer on. I am desperate for a good sized kitchen and windows that let winter sunlight in. I long for fresh eggs every time I pull the dozen out of the fridge that came from the grocery store. I long for a laundry line and a second compost bin. I might make myself a new skirt today. I did some “market research” when I was out and about yesterday. I evaluated the prices of some of the things I have seen available in small markets, like yesterday at the auction barn “junk sale”. One lady was selling two pieces of fleece, with a raw edge and bad stitch, for 65 dollars. I was pretty shocked by that. They looked like they were made by a youngster. I could make nicer blankets than that and sell them for the same price. I saw handbags like I have been wanting to make, and they ranged from 45-90 dollars, and I have been watching jewelry prices and they also come in a wide range, for 10 to 200 dollars. I am getting answers to some of the business plan questions that I did not know how to answer before. I feel fairly confident that my two year goal is reasonable, I just am not so confident I can wait another TWO YEARS! I am being facetious, of course, but really that seems like sooooo long. I have six dwarf cherry trees in buckets that I would like to move to the ground…but once they are in the ground they no longer belong to me… What do I do? I was given permission to put them in the ground, but i am tempted to keep them in their pails and see if the Good Lord doesn’t surprise me with a ranch or farm sooner than I expect. They were very inexpensive, but every time I put a perennial in the ground here, I think about how much I will miss that particular plant when we move. I am ready to put down permanent roots, where they can grow and blossom into all that they can be. I daydream about a cute little garden storage shed where I can keep all my tools and pots and such, and where I can put a bench to set upon and watch the garden grow. I daydream of hours spent writing in that garden, and next to my fire, and about my farm and children. I daydream of my writing hobby farm often. My husband tells me that countrysidedaydreamer is the perfect name for me. My stomach gets butterflies when I think of the smell of the sunrise barn, on a cool fall morning. I was describing it to a girlfriend earlier today, and felt like a teen-aged girl with her first crush. On days when I question whether I am cut out for it, I will have to recall that feeling, as a reminder of how desperately I love it. I love the smells, the hard work, the ever changing tasks, and yet, a sense of routine. I love watching the seasons come and go. I love the sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, and one thing is for sure, it’s never boring! I love relying on nature and beast to perform my duties for the day, and I love that my hands have to be in the dirt for my food to taste so dang good! from that first swollen little pod that seems to be a flower head coming, to the development of that flower into a brightly colored and good for my body vegetable is like watching a miracle in progress. I wonder if there are any greater blessings that to be able to harvest the land that you so tediously tended, for your food? Of course, God, my husband, and my son are at the top of that list of blessings, but given a choice of the blessings I would choose in life, I would certainly take fresh, hand grown veggies, over a great shiny car or fancy new cell phone! I am thrilled when I find a great old duster that still has a little of the last gals ranch in it at the thrift store for two bucks! I would take a big, cozy, dirty , farming jacket over a nice suede dress jacket any day….I am more comfortable in work clothes than in dress clothes. I think every egg is a blessing, every ounce of wool or honey that we produce is a blessing. I am so desperately impatient to feel that tangibly in my hands, rather than daydreaming about it! Well, church in a few minutes. Lord, please give me some patience! Thank You! Amen!

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Recycled paper, banana chips, and acupuncture

Today was a busy day. I had acupuncture today, which always does weird things to my function-ability. Today not too much impact. I still came home and made more paper, dried banana chips, did a bunch of laundry, cleaned my kitchen and of course made dinner, finished putting up my tomatoes, and spent quite a while checking every store in town for the very specific Halloween costume that my son wants. I am beat. It has been a productive week with a lot of running around involved. My feet are tired tonight, more-so than usual, and I look forward to snuggling down for the evening. My hubby is snoozing beside me in his super hero jammies I picked up for him today. It’s pretty cute! It is definitely getting cold out. Halloween is here in just a couple of days. After Halloween comes the real cold. Brr… I am glad my garden is done for the season. I am almost done harvesting the tomatoes and peppers that were in containers that I brought inside when it got cold. I secretly have to admit that I look forward to all of the fruit being done and getting those scraggly looking end of the season tomato plants out of  my living room. I am too tired to write much tonight, but felt like I should at least get the basics down, so that I wouldn’t lie in my bed and dwell on them all night. It’s time for me to snooze now. Nighty night!

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Fall and Spring

Hello Everybody! It has been quite brisk the last few days, which leads me to think about my favorite seasons, Spring and Fall. Today we had blustery little snow flurries. It lasted about ten minutes and you had to be watching or you missed it! I was driving in my car, and I had an overwhelming desire to shout out, with great excitement “It’s snowing”! I realized that would be silly, as there was no one with me to share my excitement, and I don’t even ski. There is just something about the changing of these two seasons. Winter is cold, and seems to drag on forever. Summer is hot, and uncomfortable to do much, but Spring and Fall are almost always perfect! I love the seasons of change!

Today I worked with an “average” child. It is so much different than working with special needs and emotionally disturbed children. While I had an excellent time with the young lady, I really do prefer, and have a knack for the needy. Kids, animals, people…I attract them like bees to pollen! More importantly, they attract me. I am finally content knowing that all of the struggles and hardships I have endured for the last thirty seven years prepared me to be a beacon of hope and light to the less privileged. I am honored to bear responsibility like that.

I have spent endless hours praying to The Good Lord to lead me in the direction I am intended to go next. I have promised Him that I would do my best to follow His will and to try not to let my human intentions get in the way, but to please let me know blatantly if I miss the cues. In the last couple of months, I have felt called to work with kids. I am surprised to find most of these children are young, under five years old. My human mind presumed I was to work with teenaged foster boys, because it seems like no-one wants them. I was worried about finances, and letting it hold me back, and somehow, that seems to be slowly working out too, almost in a forced way! I have questioned what is next, and had such strange, yet blatant things happen. Blue Cross/ Blue Shield called me and asked me to get certified. Does that really happen? I had no idea insurance companies called random citizens and asked them to get certified. The therapist who recommended me is willing to represent me under her license until mine goes through. How cool is that? And flattering…it says a lot to me that she was willing to do that. I have never felt as appreciated in my life as I do today. I feel like the last month has made up for twenty years of trying to be good enough for someone and failing over and over again! I feel respected and valued and that is a wonderful feeling! Today I went and met my coordinator, and started the Certified Therapeutic Foster care provider program. I am really looking forward to continued evolution in my work with these children.

I also got the rest of the supplies that I need to start my stationery making project tomorrow. I will take pictures and post for you. I have high hopes. I believe that it is going to be quite rewarding. That is another thing that has started to pan out for me. I have always doubted my ability, as one person, to make enough handmade items to host a farmers market booth, but I have been keeping a bucket for finished items, and in a very short time I have created a surprising inventory. I am pleased with that and thankful for the blessing of time to work on the crafting that I so enjoy! I had the opportunity to pop into the craft store yesterday, and just happened across some two dollar grab bags that turned out to be great buys. I picked up four of them and again, feel as though I am being showered with blessings!

My sick friend has been doing well. She was tolerating her treatments exceptionally well, and then they realized that her weight had been written down wrong and that she had been receiving thirty percent less medicine than she needed. That was kind of a bummer piece of news. There was good news also though, that her appetite was a strong as ever, and that she is gaining weight. I will take that news any day! The fundraising efforts that I am managing are amazing! The love that strangers share is just wonderful! I am shocked and I would not have predicted this kind of support. I guess I am thankful to have any reason to have my faith in humankind renewed! I see so much pain, anger, and selfishness in people every day, that it is really quite pleasant to see so much love pouring out!

The more hurt I see in people, the more blatantly aware I become of the direction this world is going. It is just not natural the way we live. I will be honest, that stresses me out. I become more and more desperate for my little piece of land every day. I desire a place where I can rely on putting my hands in the dirt for most of my food, and to raising my own meat. I look forward to a slower pace of life. I realize it will be busy, but less pressurized, also. I look forward to the smell of woodsmoke in my wood-stove and the sounds of my husband chopping firewood while I bake bread or sew a quilt. I look forward to waking up before the rooster crows at sunrise, to have my quiet morning time and get breakfast and a fire started, and even though the days will be longer, they will be quieter, and more natural. I truly think that we could eliminate a lot of disease and trauma that we currently face just by getting closer to natural. I believe our relationships would be more stable and I believe that there could be generally less chaos in the world if we could all just slow down a minute and get closer to natural. You can see it in everything we do, and yet somehow we keep missing the point. We wear natural fiber clothing, and eat organic food, we recycle and we have gas prices far to high to be wasting it. We have a general consciousness of our selves telling us we need to get back to natural, and yet, somehow we keep missing it along the technology superhighway. The speed limit just keeps getting faster and faster on that superhighway, and I fear that the brakes will not hold if we continue to accelerate! We are heading towards an inevitable high speed crash, and there is some sick, twisted, irrational part of me, that can’t wait to get a little closer to natural, even if it is forced on us.

Lately, I cannot stop fantasizing about what kind of property we will be blessed with? I find myself daydreaming about log cabin walls and what kind of space we will have for a chicken coop and a pantry. I wonder will we be blessed with an awesome barn, or will that be something we have to build as we go? Will we have beautiful, rich, black soil? Or, will we have the typical Rocky soil of these mountains that takes years and years to amend? I wonder where I will find a good south facing home for my tire garden? I am so very excited for the day we know we are standing on the Rescue Ranch property.

Well, it’s past the time of night when the thermostat turns down for the evening, and my nose is cold. It is supposed to be a whopping seventeen degrees with snow tonight. That is my indication to call it a night and snuggle in warm with my hubby. Sweet dreams all, and a blessed day!

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It’s about to get crazy…

Well, today was my official last day of peace and quiet for a couple days. The last couple of weeks have been weird, and the last couple of days have finally slowed down, just long enough to let me take a deep breath. I got the housework caught up, as it really got behind while I spent two weeks in shock. I did learn, while I was in shock over the news of my friend, that I cook for comfort. I never realized that before and it seemed so blatantly obvious when it dawned on me. I got three necklaces made today. Two of which are gifts for my friend and her mommy, and one that goes into the inventory bucket for sale. Tomorrow begins a two week stint of every day chaos. There will be no routine about this month! Tomorrow my husband leaves for his cousins wedding rehearsal dinner, and on Saturday we follow behind for the wedding. Sunday we come home late in the evening, and Monday, my most chaotic and un-assembled friend is needing a place to lie her head for the week. She will be here Monday through Friday, and then Friday after she leaves, my cousin is coming into town. She arrives in the middle of the night and will be here for a week. The day she leaves is an expo that I really want to go to, so we are going to do that before I take her to her departure stop. During that time, I am also working on a benefit concert for my friend and a dinner and a silent auction are events to come. At least I got through what I needed to do for the spay/neuter event. The event is Saturday, and I am going to miss it because I have to go to the wedding. It will be the first event I have missed since I joined the committee as the volunteer and food coordinator, and I am a tiny bit nervous about them pulling it off…I know they will, I just have some control issues I guess. I handed off my schedule of volunteers today and notified the person responsible to pick up breakfast that I had some control issues and I was counting on her to get breakfast. I think they will be fine, but I feel like I am missing out. I shouldn’t. We do it three times a year, and I get my fill of spay/neuter every time, but I really dislike missing the events. The garden is done for the year, except for a few last cool season veggies and a couple tomato and pepper plants in the greenhouse, but it is pretty clear they know it is fall.

I am in a weird place…it is not a very compassionate place. I am a very compassionate person…to a fault, but today I find myself in a cynical place. I feel like every person I know has called me or texted or messaged me to complain about their awful, miserable, terrible, horrible days. Some of them have real life changing stuff going on. I feel completely overwhelmed by the horrible things that seem to be happening to the people all around me, but then I hear people crying about their entire day being wrecked because of some five minute event that really could easily be turned around and viewed as a blessing. I find myself feeling impatient with petty drama. Stuff that doesn’t matter, or doesn’t deserve the credit it is being given for day ruining events, and I find myself in a place of brutal honesty…I mean really, If your kid is not dying of cancer, then you have it pretty good right? Really? It’s a perspective thing I guess, but I had to tell two of my friends that they were being ridiculous and overreacting today…and you know what, they both sucked it up, quit crying, and said, “good point”. If you just want to whine and cry about petty problems, I am not the person to call today. If your problems don’t consist of death, sickness, 35 years of marriage falling apart, hungry or neglected children and elderly, war, poverty, horded animals, unsaved souls, or the end of the earth…well, I already have enough on my mind then, thanks.

That about sums up my mood for the day. I am tired of hearing blessed people complain about the things that they don’t have, or the things that might have to endure. I am tired of being around people who cannot see what they have, and I don’t want to be everyone’s ear. I feel like the last three weeks or so have been a bombardment both of people who have very real needs of me, and of people who just need a little attention on them today, begging for my other shoulder. I am currently burdened with the very heavy load of people who actually have real tragedy in their lives, and I can’t carry the drama weight too…

I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can’t make people understand that I don’t just sit home watching soap operas and picking my nose all day just waiting to jump up to listen to them cry or babysit their kids or run their errands or whatever else they may be able to ask me to do…you know, this one big favor.

I have very real responsibilities and goals. I really have a lot of my own life trying to grow and happen and I can’t seem to get that across to them all. I have been here before, only in a very different state of mind. There was a point in my life when I was very codependent. I have since broken that cycle, and no longer feel inclined to give more than I can, and so, I am wondering how to handle this. I find I have become much more blunt with people. Much easier to say it like it is. If they don’t want to hear it they will call someone else, and if it makes them quit crying, well, it’s much more efficient than just telling them what they want to hear and fueling the fire.

As you can see, the over-stimulation that won’t stop is starting to overflow out of me. The first sign that I need some serious down time is that I get a little less tolerant of stupidities! I am dreading the idea of not seeing down time again until some time in the end of October…I can already imagine what kind of mood I will be in by then…Dear Lord, protect me from myself over the next couple weeks please! Hold me strong and keep me while I trod through the days to come. I love you Father! Amen!

My first thought is that I will be ok as long as I keep Jesus beside me! I think that is the thing that is heaviest on me. I have Jesus beside me every minute of my day. He is the only one I feel I can talk to and be candid with these days, and He lays no burden on me. It is a lonely but comforting place to be. I enjoy being lonely with Jesus, but I wish that I could slow down some and enjoy it in solitude and quiet. It is hard to be in this place, and constantly surrounded by people who are not content with their lives. I feel like I cannot help but eventually just fade out the endless drone…and I don’t mean to, but I don’t really have anything to say. It is hard to be contemplative with The Lord when you are surrounded by constant chatter and activity. That is what I am trying to say. So, by now I am sure you are tired of hearing me drone on and on, so until next time (and it might be a few days)… have a blessed day, and may The Lord me at your side always!

 

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Cloudy days…welcome

Today is a very cloudy, grey and overcast day. It matches my mood nicely and I am perfectly content with this weather. I have been running non-stop for days, and as a highly sensitive person, that takes a toll on me. I seem to absorb every bit of energy from everyone around me, and if they are in a particularly foul place, it has profound effects on me. I always thought I was weird, until my sons therapist handed me a book titled The Highly Sensitive Person. I cannot remember who it was by, but I do remember that first page and how It made me feel to know I was not alone in needing re-coop time after being exposed to hours of stimulation…

The last week has been non-stop go, and not only non-stop go, which in itself is exhausting, but it just feels like there is this black cloud hanging over the Earth. I feel blessed to have Jesus right beside me through it, but it is hard to enjoy being content when every person in my life is surrounded by this black cloud. September seemed like a particularly gloomy month for everyone I know. It is a lonely place…I am content, but surrounded by people who are hurting, and they all seem to want to talk to me about their hurts…the weight of all that hurt is smothering me. Thank you Lord for being with me!

I think of my sick little friend every day. Today she starts Radiation and graduates to an outpatient, and she and her family will live in a camper next to the hospital for the next six months. Ugh! I miss them so, and would love to just have a nice long chat with my best friend…how selfish is it that I just want to sit down and pour my heart out to her when all of this is going on in her life? So, I sit quietly, wondering what to do with all of these feelings that have become so overwhelming that even writing them down in my journal has become a struggle?

I finally put my garden to bed…most of it. My little greenhouse is still plugging away, as are my few cool season veggies still left out there, but I have the crafting bug and am ready to move my activities inside for a while. I am absolutely thrilled about this gray, dreary day. It is a good day to have some cocoa and do some quilting or beading. The air smells deliciously fresh and I couldn’t have asked for a better weather pattern to go with my mood. I have a quiet contentedness, but also a sense of lonesomeness and I am overwhelmed by the hurts and challenges of others.

I feel a little greedy today. I never win anything, and I usually don’t even try. I was raised under the philosophy easy come, easy go, and I just take it for granted that if I didn’t earn it, I am not going to get it. I rarely register for drawings and other win me type events, but at the bead show I went to this weekend, I registered for a door prize. I keep hoping I will win, but I feel like that is a pretty lame thing to hope for. I would LOVE a big bag of beads to show up in my mailbox right about now… The fact that I can’t quit thinking…maybe just this once I will win something, makes me wonder why this particular drawing is so important? I don’t dwell on things like that…what is going on with me? I can chalk it up to a few things…desperation to get some new supplies and make some items to sell, maybe I have not been feeling very noticed lately, even though I have been busting my butt for everyone I know, and I want to feel less invisible…recognized in a way I guess. I don’t know, I just know I am spending more time wishing on this silly basket of beads than is typical for me.

My mom ordered me a couple of subscriptions to some good magazines and I am anxious for them to get here as well….

I have been filling you with a bunch of random thoughts lately as I struggle to get back on track after the last couple of weeks. I have not been posting about my gardening and baking and preserving adventures. I have not been focusing on the things I mean to focus on and I long to get back in the groove of things. I am happy to have my garden put to bed and be able to focus on the artsy crafty part of my life as the coming days cool off. I have been keeping my camera handy and taking pictures of things as I do them, like fruit leather and apple dumplings, so that I can share them here. I just need some uninterrupted time to do so.

And now I have another venter…one more person that just needs someone to talk to and I seem to be the only one they can relate to. I should take it as a compliment everyone seems to relate so well to me…it just seems they only relate when they need ears…I need someone to relate to and she is really busy right now.

Its funny how people think that because you stay home you have no commitments. I still have plenty of work to do, I just don’t really get paid to do it. It seems as though people who work would realize that there are times of day when you just can’t talk. If I don’t want last minute phone calls for people needing a sitter or help with something or just to vent, it is not a normal day. Lately, I am feeling like I should be focusing on the Ranch, but I can’t get people to get it through their heads that I am WORKING. Writing a business plan is work…despite what anyone else may think. Crafting and sewing take time and focus and I intend for that to be where I start making money to buy this ranch.

It is nice to sit down and spill some thoughts for you but now I must get back to my productivity. I hope you all have a blessed day…until next time.

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Emotions and banana bread…

Good morning all, and what a lovely day it is. I have decided that my early morning coffee hours, before everybody gets up and the phone starts ringing for the day, is the best time of day for me to blog. My plan, when planning my routine for the school year, included a very early morning walk with my dogs before anyone got up….but that has not worked out. I am just having too much trouble getting everybody at my house on board with the nighttime routine….which leads to less than efficient mornings. My intention was to get up, walk the dogs while the coffee is brewing, and then come back and make breakfast and get everyone else up, get them out the door for the day, and do my Bible study/coffee/ quiet time. There are a few drawbacks to this plan, the most oobvious being that by the time they are both up and out the door, I am long since done with coffee time,and this is the time of day when the distractions begin…be it the phone, dogs, chores, whatever… It seems to me to be much more prudent to switch these times of day around.  Coffee time in these wee hours when it is still dark (and therefore a tiny bit scary to walk my dogs, especially across the river), makes more sense this time of day, and how logical would it be to walk my dogs when the boys are up…It makes sense, i am already out at the bus with my dogs, and all bundled up and ready to go. today I made a decision to rearrange my am schedule a bit and see if I can’t get those dogs on a consistent routine.

I am trying so hard to establish a routine, but it just seems like there is always something. Everyday seems to have a monkey wrench thrown in. Either school releases early, or dad goes in to work late…Maybe a friend needs a last minute babysitter, and I have to drop my plans for that…whatever the case, it feels like I am constantly throwing my routine out the window for one cause or another, and it is driving me nuts.

I have been emotionally drained in the last week. I have noticed, that the more I appreciate the blessings in my life, the more stable and content I become with my life, the more unhappy people around me seem. I don’t really think they are less happy but I am more content and able to see small blessings much more readily. I have heard so many people complaining about their lives this last couple of months. It makes me quite sad really. It makes me sad to see the state of people. There are very few people who seem really content. Even the people I notice at church, who always seem positive, I realized were doing a whole lot of complaining with smiles on their faces.

I have faced old demons this week, and new ones too… I have decided that I have a responsibility to tell the ladies at Bible Study how I felt when I left last week, and that is going to be hard because I admire every one of those ladies as my elders..wiser and more experienced Christians, but I really feel like this week, they lost something in translation… I often feel as though Christians who were raised as Christians, and have known no other way, have such a different perspective than Christians who had to find their way to The Lord the hard way. I think that Christians who have never known a life without Christ have a harder time finding compassion sometimes. I find that the world is a lot more black and white, and a lot less gray to a lot of them. I do not mean this to be any type of insult…In my Bible Study…there are six women. two of which grew up without Christ,and found Him later, and four of whom have known nothing else. I find that the four who have known nothing  else are a lot more likely to jump to a black and white answer, and the other one who had to find her own way, spends a lot of time nodding in agreement with me as I try to explain to these ladies a different perspective….this week no one was listening and there was a lot of justifying and enabling what appeared to me to be some very non-christian thinking. Remember that these are women I look up to and admire. Some of the things that were said were pretty judgmental, but the thing I noticed most was that the entire time we sat there talking about Philippians 1:9-11, and how to use discernment and sharpen our tools and overflow our love, we were seeing a whole lot of the opposite. I felt like there was a lot of taking away of tools rather than sharpening them…even a little name calling! Whats up with that ladies…are we having a rough week or what? Lets just say it will be hard to confront them, but I think they should hear how I felt when I walked out of that study. Bible study usually lifts me up. Tuesday i walked out feeling confused and judged. One of the ladies even went so far as to say a “slang” phrase without thinking twice or looking up at who was in the room with her. Had she thought about how that comment would have affected me, I doubt she would have ever said it. It was condescending and judgmental and it hit home in a way that she would have known was pretty personal. In fact, knowing what I know of her family, I wonder how her husband feels when she says that, considering that he was not raised in a Christian home and had to find his own way to Jesus as well, this Bible Study is different. We usually have a Beth Moore or some other woman’s small group Bible study to follow. This time we are just doing an individual study with Journals and  leader. I don’t feel like our leader is discerning enough to lead this study. feel as though she needs the perspective of a more mature Christian leading the way. I love and respect her, but it is clear by the amount of discomfort in her life that she is not in a position to lead other people to greater clarity. I noticed instead of growth, I saw a lot of building each other up and confirming it was ok to be stuck in those ruts…Ugh!

I made a big batch of banana bread yesterday, and some dog treats. I am slowly getting back on track, but it has taken over a week since the news of my little friends cancer for me to start to focus on anything productive. It is nice to be back at it and trying to get on track. I am having trouble staying focused but it is getting better, and now the family is waking and it is time for me to wind this down. Until next time…