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Blinded by Hate

 

Where do I even begin? I woke up this morning with such an urgent need to get things off my mind, that I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I decided that it is time to put my thoughts into words. I have my doubts as to how many of you will read this, much less take anything away from it, but I can sure hope.

Whats with the hate?

I am blown away by the hatred and vitriol I see spewing from some of you. People whom I have respected and admired. Looked up to. Suddenly, ya’all got me wondering why I had so much respect and admiration. I am not picking on one side. Good, intelligent people, from both sides, are making complete asses of themselves. I just want to take a minute to express to you how you look from the perspective of someone who is not taking either side, because I gotta tell you, Left? Right? It doesn’t matter, you are all acting like ugly, judgmental fools. Blind to the toxicity that you are spewing in the name of hatred. That’s right. I called you toxic. Can you say that it isn’t true?

How much hate have you spewed with righteous indignation? Just so you know, Its ugly. Really, really ugly. Both sides. UGLY!

So where do I even begin with this? I am not trying to change anyones mind here. I just want you to get a glimpse of the impression you are making.

Where do I start? The right? The left? Covid? Division? I could write a whole book on this matter.

I guess I will start with my people. The empaths. At least, the ones who are quick to claim the title, but slow to understand what it means. So you pick up others energy huh? Then of course you are aware that the energy we carry, transfers to those we contact. Some of you are out here calling yourself empaths in the same statement you are spewing hate in. Here is a little secret. If you are spewing hate, then you are not a very healthy empath. An empath is someone who supposedly has the ability to show EMPATHY. This means placing yourself in someone else’s shoes for a minute and trying to understand what they might be going through. Lets look up the definition of Empathy, shall we? According to Oxford Languages it is as follows…

Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

How many of you claim the empath title? Are you judging others? Bullying? Spewing hate? If you are so keen to pick up others energy, why then, would you choose to put this energy back into the world? How can you call yourself a lightworker, while putting so much darkness out there?

I have used it before, and I will use it again. The best example I have is road rage, but it applies to every single aspect of life. So a guy cut you off this morning huh? How did you respond? Because it is our own actions we need to be worried about. Not the actions of others. Were you kind? Did you tap your brakes and give him a little space? Or did you lose your mind, start cussing him out and flipping him the bird? Ya’all remember where this lesson goes yet?

Lets start with best case scenario. You gave him a little space. Took a minute to send him some good thoughts. Had a moment to spare a quick prayer that everything is ok in his life. Took a second to process the thought that maybe he is having an emergency. Maybe he is having a really bad morning. Maybe, he just made a mistake, like I am sure you have done a few times in your life too. Heck, there is even a possiblity that you were just tooling along in his blind spot and are at least partially at fault for getting cut off.

Or did you get angry. Judge him. Cuss him out. Hand him your peace and joy to keep for the day. Did you flip the bird and scream at him? Did you lay on your horn? Did you assume the worst about him and let your rage fly? How did that feel? Was it a good feeling? Did it increase your joy? Or the light that you put out in the world? Or did it just make you ugly? Are you going to work to spew that hatred in a mad rant to your coworkers? Oh so nice of you to dump that ugly, righteous energy on them. So, do you think your ugly spewing affected the man who cut you off? Or do you think maybe he was just too preoccupied to hear you, and the only person whose day it ruined was yours? You see, trying to control others will never lead to joy, and it will cause disappointment every single time.

Which leads me to masks. Are you walking around shaming people who aren’t wearing them? As if you know their story and health history? Are you assuming they are just as healthy as you are and that they are just selfish for not wearing their mask? What if I told you that I think you look selfish, for expecting everyone to have the exact same needs and perspective that you do. What if I told you that trying to control others is selfish and that if we want to find happiness in ourselves, that is the first behavior we have to ditch. What if I told you that you will continue to be miserable, as long as you continue to have expectations that others should behave exactly like you think is right?

And since we are talking about what you think is right, lets just go there. Who made you the almighty judge of character? Who made you the “right” one and everyone else “wrong”? What makes you so confident that you are just that morally superior to others that your opinion is the right one, and there is no reason to try to hear another perspective? Are you so sure of yourself that you know with 100% certainty that you stand on the moral high ground? And by whose measurements? Oh yeah. Yours.

So now that we have addressed moral superiority, lets talk about the upcoming election. Or, the hatred coming from both sides, to be more accurate.

Lets just call a spade a spade. Both candidates are morally reprehensible. We all know this. Lets talk about the personality required to have a desire to lead an entire nation. Its not one that most of us possess, or even understand for that matter. It is a power hungry, manipulative type of personality that looks to be in control of an entire nation. One who will do whatever it takes to get to the top. Seems that both sides are hellbent on convincing the world that their candidate is the less corrupt option, but here’s the thing, they are both corrupt. They are both morally reprehensible. The thing is, I hold the average person to higher standards. Ya’all are lowering yourselves to their standards. Ya’all are name calling, bullying, spreading hate every chance you get. Some of ya’all are wasting your precious joy just looking for more ammunition to hate with. People I have considered intelligent and educated have lowered themselves to standards of name calling, and the garbage coming from your mouths makes me think that you are as about as mature and rational, as those two children I watched bicker on stage the other night. You don’t seem to see that you are acting exactly like they are. You are being just as ugly as the person you are hating on is, except they are politicians. We expect ugly from them. But here is the thing. They are winning. All of them. And we are losing. They have successfully divided us. We cant see eye to eye with loved ones and it is costing us precious relationships, over what? A few years of a president that half of us (or more) cant stand. Is it worth losing people you have loved for a lifetime? So, next time you are attacking one of the candidates, and spewing your hatred, it might help to look at your words and decide if anything constructive or positive can come from them. Are you calling names (the orange man comes to mind) or judging a demented old man who is being taken advantage of by his party? Since when is elderly abuse funny? Since when is name calling anything more than juvenile? How are any of these things constructive or working to better our world? How are these things working to fix what appears to be a broken system? How is your hatred making a difference today? Is it adding light to peoples lives? Or just increasing the hate and division that they encounter today? Do you want to be remembered as someone who spread hate, division, and bullying? No? Then stop doing it.

We cant change others. Anyone who has had one single speech class in college knows that changing someones moral conviction is next to impossible. I know as humans, we still try, but I wonder why we think hatred and ugly bitterness will be an effective tool for changing peoples minds? It isn’t. Instead, it makes them feel judged, and more inclined to get defensive and dig in their heels. Less inclined to hear your words and consider them.

We are all human, which means we are all going to make mistakes, we are all going to have unique points of view, and we are all going to continue to grow and evolve with time. That means, that you just might change your mind on one issue or another as life shows you different lessons. We have all done it. We have all grown and wondered what the hell we were thinking at some point or another, so we all know that it happens, and it happens to all of us. Consider, for just one moment, that you are not aware of every single detail. That you don’t have all the perspective someone else may have, and they cant see all the things that gave you the perspective you have. Every person has a reason for their convictions. Many of those reasons, you have no clue about. What gives you the right to just assume that your convictions are more important than theirs? That they are wrong or ignorant if they don’t have the same convictions as you? I hear all this talk about being on the wrong side of history. Who determines which side is the right side? All I can think when I hear this is that I am more concerned with being on the right side of morality than history. In my experience, if it isn’t coming from love, then it is the wrong side of morality.

I know that this is going to make a lot of people defensive. I know that it is going to make many people angry. I implore you to take this moment to reflect on that defensiveness. What made you defensive? Anger is a secondary emotion. It happens because of a primary emotion. Did I touch a nerve? If I did, then I probably wrote this for you. What are you putting out there? Hate, vitriol, and ugly? Or love, light, and empathy? Because you are perpetuating that energy. You have the choice if you will add more divisive bullying and ugliness to our society, or will you choose to set your hatred aside and rise up. Rise up and be the light. Be the change. Be the change in a constructive and positive way. It is possible, to be constructively critical, you know. Petty name calling and bickering is going to create a change that none of us want. It is going to backfire. It is dark and ugly, and in no way putting more love and light out there.

Today I beg of you, my beloved friends and family, to look at yourself, and decide if you are creating more joy and love in the world, or if you are multiplying the hate and judgement that there is already too much of?

When I see you spewing your judgement and hate, I don’t admire you. I don’t look up to you. I don’t want to be like you. I don’t even find much respect for you in that moment. I certainly am not going to change any moral conviction I have, based on negative and destructive “arguments”. I suspect I am not the only one. If you want to change my mind, better start looking for educated information and facts presented calmly and in an unbiased manner, because your anger and hate just show me that your arguments are based in emotion, rather than logic and fact. You can feel free to come at me, but I wont argue with you. I refuse to be pulled into that ugliness. This post is meant to be food for individual thought. I am not looking to discuss your negativity with you. I am asking you to look within and decide if you are one of the people spewing the ugly, bullying, name calling vitriol, and if you are, is that how you want the rest of us to think of you? Because if so, its working.

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Love Heals

Some pretty unhappy people in the world today. I look around me and feel so sad for the ones who are so full of judgement and condemnation. To me, that is a clear sign of their distress. I don’t know how many times I have talked about expectation and shoulding, but it appears I am about to again.

Folks, no one will see things the same way you do every time. Perspectives are similar to fingerprints in that no two peoples are the same. We are shaped by different experiences, different personalities, different responses to trauma and stimuli.

Let me make this as clear as I can.

HEALTHY, HAPPY PEOPLE, DO NOT SPEND THEIR TIME CRITIQUING AND JUDGING OTHERS! 

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Good grief the hate is strong these days. I am seriously just lonely for people who can live life with contentment and peace, while lifting people up, rather than tearing them down.

I used to feel defensive. I used to want to stand up to the haters. But my perspective has changed. I do not seek confrontation. What would I say to someone so filled with anger, grief, shame, hatred, and/or resentment? People who are content and happy with their lives do not go around treating others this way. Social media is especially conducive to such harsh judgments, as people don’t have to face any real life consequences for their mean behavior.

But here’s the thing. Happy people, healthy people, they wont be judging you. They will be lifting you up. Offering helpful advice. Using their empathy. Understanding that we all have different circumstances and perspectives.

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I watched a group of “empaths” attack another woman for saying that she isn’t attracted to animals today. It hurt my heart to see so many people claiming to be “healers and lightworkers” tearing someone down like that. Telling her she wasn’t an empath and didn’t belong in the group. Feels a bit like a “check the log in your own eye” kind of moment honestly. I watched their judgement and condemnation with pity for them. Thinking so high of themselves when they can’t see the glaring truth of their misery and how they are allowing their unhealed cuts to bleed on those who haven’t hurt them.

It hurts my heart to see people being so mean and judgmental of each other. Why are we lashing out at one another? We must make an effort to heal ourselves, and try not to concern ourselves so much with the behaviors of people we have never even met, and never will. It goes for personal relationships too, but I am talking about the uninhibited urge to just start demeaning and belittling someone who doesn’t think or act just like we do.

Happiness, contentedness, joy, whatever you want to call it, comes from within us, not from other people modifying their behavior to accommodate us. The more someone lashes out, the meaner they are, the more sadness I feel for them. So afraid to face their own demons that they have to distract themselves by attacking others who are just posing an innocent question. Why do we as humans feel so compelled to expect others to behave how we think we would, when most of us aren’t even happy with who we are?

It is our responsibility to seek the healing we require. It is our responsibility to be accountable for ourselves. It is not our responsibility to tell others how to live. It is not our responsibility to judge, shame, and bully others into thinking that our way of thinking is the only right way. If we go around thinking that if others just thought and behaved differently, we would be happy, then we are in for a world of shock and hurt when reality hits. Nobody is capable of making us happy. Nobody is capable of healing our wounds, or padding the world so we can hide from them forever.

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WE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN HEALING. WE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN HAPPINESS. 

No one can do it for us.

And while we are healing, there is no reason we can’t be kind and empathetic to what others are going through. As a matter of fact, you might be surprised at how far a little kindness goes in healing your own damaged self. Its pretty amazing the transformation that takes place in us when we replace judgement and hatred with kindness and compassion.

Next time you feel compelled to shame, belittle, or insult someone, maybe consider what is in your own self that is causing you to lash out at others, and maybe, just maybe, try to find a little empathy and kindness for them instead.

The amount of healing that takes place when we replace the hatred with love is indescribable.

The amount of healing that takes place when we respond with compassion rather than judgement is not something you can imagine until you have experienced it.

Just humor me and try it. Next time you feel like lashing out at someone. Judging them. Shaming them. Telling them they don’t belong in your group. Try responding with love instead. See how it increases the joy in your own heart. Hatred and judgement do not increase joy, for anyone. They increase the hatred and judgement. If you want a healthier world, start with yourself, and check your hate at the door.  If you want a healthier world, focus on lifting people up, finding empathy and compassion, and treating them with love. It will change you. It will make you happier. It will make you healthier. It will steal less of your limited time and joy on this Earth. If for no ones sake but your own, try love. It feels so much better than hate. Try compassion. It adds so much more to life than judgement does. Try empathy. It is good for ones heart to put ourselves in anothers shoes for a moment of reflection.

Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to be accepted and fit somewhere. Think about how you would hope to be treated, and then treat others as well as you would want to be treated.

Just try it. Check the hate and try Love. It will transform you.

 

 

 

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Narcissism or Codependancy?

I want to talk about boundaries. I spend a great deal of time helping people, particularly women, heal from what has hurt them. In this process, I have become aware of a couple things. Today I want to talk about “narcissism”. Or maybe perceived narcissism. The reason I say perceived, is because by medical standards, many of the people whom one may label a narcissist, really don’t fit the criteria for a diagnosis. We have come to a point in society where we tend to call anyone who doesn’t agree with us, or operate on our level of empathy, a narcissist. This is simply not true. Only a very small portion of the people who are being labeled as narcissists, actually are by medical standards. That being said, there are so many unhealthy and broken people in the world, that everyone and anyone has the potential to display a narcissistic tendency or two. Alot of people are not going to love what I have to say today, but I am going to say it anyway. If you are attracting narcissists, the problem is not with them. It is with you. Let me explain.

I consistently hear empaths talking about this curse they have. That they attract all the unhealthy and broken people. That they are constantly being victimized. That they continue to be nothing but a good person, but time and time again they are abused and treated poorly.

Let me tell you how to break that chain.

Heal yourself!

It is general knowledge these days, that energy is in everything. Raise your vibration. Broken and unhealed people attract lower vibrations, because they vibrate lower. When you raise your vibration high enough, they are no longer attracted to you.

Now don’t misunderstand this. People who WANT to heal and have a higher frequency will still be attracted to you, possibly more than ever before. It’s the low vibing abusers who do not wish to change that will be repulsed by your light.

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Broken people attract broken people.

So many times I hear people talking about all they do for someone, and not getting the desired response being a huge disappointment to them. They do everything they can think of to ‘heal’ a partner or make their life better, and consistently get hurt. Do you know why?

Its called codependency. If you are struggling with doing and doing for someone, and finding yourself disappointed time and again because they have not behaved how you expected in return, I highly recommend the book “Codependant No More” By Melody Beatty. Here is a link to it at Amazon. (No, I am not being paid to write this).

Having expectation of others to change or to behave a certain way because of something we did for them is controlling and abusive in itself. Healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy people, so if you are finding yourself feeling as though you are all right, and they are all wrong, consider that it is possible that you are being just as controlling, in a much sneakier and more manipulative way. I have a right to say this. I was this person before I got the healing I needed. It hurts to hear. It makes us feel defensive and angry. It makes us feel attacked. The simple fact is that sometimes the truth hurts.

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Healthy people don’t date unhealthy people. It’s just not natural. When you are strong, healthy, and know your boundaries, you won’t tolerate someone treating you poorly. This weeds out the abusers and narcissists rather quickly.

They just don’t want to change. They don’t want to work that hard, and they will quickly move on to someone more easily influenced.

Heal yourself. Learn who you are, and what your boundaries are, and then stick to them. We teach people how to treat us. Tolerating anything less than what is best for us, teaches people they can get away with treating us poorly, and attracts people who don’t know any other way. If you want to attract healthy people, you have to get healthy.

People are broken.

EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. US.

Potential partners, friends, family. Everyone will do something differently than you would at some point, and if we are not healed, it can be taken quite personally, even when it has nothing to do with us as individuals at all.

So here’s the deal. You have to know your boundaries, and you have to uphold them. You have to teach people how to treat you. The ones who want to be in your life will do the work to meet you in the middle. The ones who are looking for control over something because they have no control of their own lives, will move on to someone easier to control.

So many people are afraid that if they speak up or stand their ground, that they will offend someone, and that someone will leave. I see it a ton in dating situations. “Well he did this, but I am afraid if I tell him how I feel, that he won’t like me anymore”

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UMMMMMM….So what?!?!?!?

If being honest about who you are and what you need is going to send a potential partner running the other way, shouldn’t they head out? I mean, if they can’t accept you for who you are now, then what happens when the lustful feelings wear off? A partner who is worth keeping around, wont run off and abandon you if you tell them that your feelings were hurt or a boundary was crossed.

They will do one of two things. They will try to function within your boundary, out of respect for you, or they will turn it on you, get defensive, and leave. If you lose a partner for standing your ground about something important to you, they were never going to be a healthy partner in the first place! In a healthy relationship, compromise is a real thing, and you may have to meet them in a healthy middle on your boundary, but sacrificing who you are to keep a partner happy is absolutely unacceptable if you want a healthy relationship.

So many people I know are afraid to date, because every potential partner has red flags and warning signs. Those are obviously not to be ignored, but again, WE ARE ALL BROKEN IN SOME WAY. We are bound to have some coping skills. Not every bad behavior is a reason to scream “NARCISSIST!”. Sometimes the person has just never learned anything different, and if they are willing to hear your boundaries, then they can obviously change and grow. Accountability goes a long way. Someone who respects you will try to be accountable for the ways in which they treat you. If they can not hear you tell them how you were hurt. If they can not find it in them to respect your boundaries, then out the door they go. Why would we tiptoe around on eggshells, not being true to ourselves, to try to impress someone? If we can’t be ourselves now, how will we ever be later? We teach people how to treat us, and when we know our worth and refuse to tolerate any less, we push out the ones who would disrespect us.

If you feel like all you ever attract is narcissists, then maybe, just maybe, you need to look at why that is. It is not because you are an empath. It has to do with your own coping skills and unhealed behaviors. When you heal yourself, you raise your vibration. When you raise your vibration, you attract higher vibrating folks. Like attracts like. If you are attracting very unhealthy people, consider what it is in you that needs to be healed, and you wont have to worry so much about whether someone is abusive or not. They will weed themselves out.

I can tell you from experience. I used to have all the codependent behaviors. I used to think ‘poor me, why do I attract all the abusers and losers”. Turns out, I was as broken as they were, I just hid it differently. When I healed, and held myself to a higher standard, they just seemed to disappear.

They don’t want to work that hard. Your light draws attention to their shame. They look elsewhere, for someone who won’t make them so aware of their shame. They look for control in someone weaker than them, so that they can ignore the lack of control they have in their own lives.

Heal yourself. Know your own boundaries, and stick to them. Abusers are looking for weak people that they can control. Get healthy, so that you may be strong and not an outlet for their need for control. They will either stop trying to control you or they will get tired of trying with no results and they will move along to someone they can control.

Being an empath does not doom you to a life of abusive relationships. Being unhealthy does.

Heal yourself, and you will find that all of your relationships get healthier.

Light attracts light. Dark attracts dark. Be the light, so that the darkness will want to run from you.

Love is the highest vibration. Pure, unconditional, unexpecting, love. If you want to attract the light, set aside your expectations and conditions, and focus on growing the love in you, so that your light will repel the dark.