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The time has come…

The time has come for so many things…

I struggle to write this week. I am a positive person. I don’t dwell on the negatives, and I see the best in the darkest of situations. That is why I struggle to write. The times we live in have brought me to a harsh realization that the end of life as we know it is here. I don’t jump on Y2K or 2012 bandwagons. I have never had a doomsayer attitude, but I feel a sense of heaviness as we move into this period. It is a bittersweet feeling, as I also feel a sense of relief that Jesus will do a great job with the Earth, however, I had a scare today that shook me a little. I have been in this place where I am desperately aware of how bad our food source has become, I am aware of the distinct changes in the weather patterns and the amount of disease around me is at an all time high. I have never known so many people with so many mysterious illnesses. I am blatantly aware of the police state we are currently living in (although most Americans have no idea that we are in this place), and I am growing more conscious daily of the “revelations” around me. I want to discuss all of this, yet how do I, for fear of being labeled a doomsayer.

The time has come for Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. It is here and we are so close to being ready to get started on that adventure. The savings account is almost to a place that allows us to step outside of our small, restrictive, but owned home, and into a rental that is going to cost us a WHOLE LOT more than our current home does. An overwhelming, intimidating, amount. I pray for the perfect rental, that has what we need to do the work that God has in mind for us. I pray that I can stay focused on His will and not get to caught up in my own excitement. Oh, how I pray, that He sees horses in my life! I am so excited about the prospect of having a huge garden and some chickens next spring! I am watching my little container garden grow thinking of what I can do with a real chuck of garden. Oh the daydreams I have for a garden when we buy a ranch. Meanwhile, I will be happy to care for someone elses ground as it exists for a while.

The time has come for me to get my self esteem up off the floor and start selling some of my homemade goods. People like them and my self esteem is the only thing holding me back.

The time has come for me to do the work that was intended of me. I see my self from a very different perspective now. I see some of my special qualities coming out, when it is happening. I see the skills He has given me, and the gifts and blessings, on a daily basis. I realize that He takes my dear little friends cancer, and uses it for good in so many lives, and in my life, He used it to show me how much I am capable of…it was quite shocking, still is, and I can see clearly several lessons in it. He used it to show me some of the more important things. Things that I know, but took for granted, like finding time to visit a friend. Realizing that money doesn’t mean ANYTHING in the grand scheme of things, and learning that God blesses the poor. Grasping that concept in a new way. I felt led to start a Womens Bible study, and while nothing profound has happened, I feel like there are several women who are pretty active in the group, which indicates to me that there was a need. I think the gift that surprises me the most is the profound ability to work with kids. Traumatized ones especially. I love kids, always have, but went through a brief period where I was convinced I didnt really care for them. I find it ironic that I now feel compelled to step into almost any situation to soothe a hurting child, parents present or not. I have no problem walking right up, and looking some kid in the face and saying,  “Wow, you seem really frustrated, is there anything I can do to help, or can you see what you are doing to your mom? Try to use your good kid manners for ten more minutes while she gets through the store K?”  Kids just need to be talked to a certain way. We don’t give them enough credit for their ability to make decisions and choices, and we give them way to much credit as far as being resilient. They really do harbor a lot of hurts that we don’t acknowledge from childhood, we just don’t see the results till adulthood, at which time it can be very hard to fix. I find myself consoling upset children in the strangest of places, and when it works, parents look at me like who are you?

It is an odd feeling, but if I made one moment of that child’s life make sense, if only for that moment, I am happy. I never, ever envisioned myself to grow up to be a person whose entire life would be to work with traumatized people and animals and help them heal themselves. Crazy wild blessing. So flattering and humbling all at once. What a gift! I have also learned that parents are only working with the tools that they have, and when I see a parent misbehaving, I have learned to remember that little mantra, and realize they are probably doing a better job than their own parents did with them. We all work with the tools we have. I find that working with traumatized children is very much like working with traumatized animals. We need to move slow, be un-intimidating, but firm and strong. We need to ask their permission and wait for it to be granted to move forward. This can really take a long time sometimes, and other times it comes so fast. The biggest thing the two have in common is that when you “train dogs” to be successful, you don’t really train the dog, you train the handler what kind of body language to use, what kind of control to exhibit and when to let the dog have control. The same holds true for parenting training. You aren’t fixing the kid, you are giving the parents the tools the kids need to thrive, to learn to process and express emotion rather than act out for lack of better way s to express their “pain”. Both animals and children will act out when they do not have a calm alpha. Children need control. Just like adults, they need to know they have some control over their world. They need consequences that fit the “crime”, not punishment. They need to be validated, and told that their feelings are valid and matter, with no ‘but’ attached. Children need to know that they are respected to learn what respect is. They need to make mistakes to learn how to make good choices, that is the reason they are given parents for 18 years of guidance, after all. Screaming at your child and sending him to his room wont fix it, but having a good, sit down one on one discussion about how a particular behavior makes you feel, and finding consequences that fit naturally will stick with them for a lifetime.

How on earth did I get on that tangent? I was thinking about a girl whom I helped the other day. I was at a therapists office. She is the person whom I am licensed under, and I was in her waiting room, when a little girl came in a kicking and screaming and saying NO NO I DON’T WANNA TELL. Her dad kept saying, you wont be in trouble…she just kept screaming louder and louder. After a few minutes, I cautiously stepped out and said something to the effect of I know I am crossing a line here but can I try something. Her dad looked at me like “be my guest”. I opened the conversation with the little girl by asking her if I could ask her a question. She said yes but kept crying. I asked her if she was feeling scared to tell the therapist something. She told me she was and I asked her why. I listened to her answer, she had quit crying before I asked my second question. I got her answers, and reassured her that I could totally understand why she would care so much about what therapist would think. We used names of course, but for privacy, that seems inappropriate here. I also told her, hey, you know what? I have known therapist for almost thirteen years, since my boy was smaller than her, and he was actually bigger than me now and he still loved to come here, and I know a secret about her. She doesn’t get mad at kids. not ever. she helps them understand why they are feeling the way they feel, but she doesn’t even know how to get mad at a kid. By this time the girl was up, playing, smiling, climbing and ready to be there. I told her if she had an more concerns she could come find me, and I went and sat in peace and thought about what had just happened. Her dad seemed so incredibly grateful. I am certain that I made a difference in their day. I have no choice but to thank God for a gift that one day not so long ago I would have sworn I would never have. I recall sitting in Church thinking, Oh please don’t call me to the daycare. I really don’t have much tolerance for kids. Oh how wrong I was. Oh how funny God is!

Hmmm, I started todays post, with an overflowing heart. I have been longing to write for so long, but fear that the end times concerns within me would reflect as negative thinking has held me back. I open up this blog every day planning to write, and cannot  make myself do it. Today, it all comes gushing out. had no intention of talking about kids, at any point in the day did I plan to write about children, or gifts, and yet, here I sit, spilling it all over the keyboard.

A close family member has been diagnosed with Lyme disease, another very close friend, like a nephew, got Kawasaki disease last week. Two girlfriends have gut health issues far worse than mine, and one close friend is allergic to everything, including her own sweat. Not literally, but when she gets hot, her whole body gets covered in purple hives…big, itchy ones. The food source is tainted, and we are all getting sick because of it. I cannot wait until my garden veggies come to fruition. I hate buying veggies in the tore any more, and I rarely crave meat. I am not a vegetarian by any means, i just don’t require a lot of meat for my own tastes. I prefer veggies, and boiled eggs and cheese for protein. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good steak, but they are so heavy and hard for my body to process, that my cravings for them are few and far between. I have found that my body readily accepts soups, any time of day. I assume that is because they are so broken down that I don’t have to work hard to digest it.

I found a great source for beads on the internet and have been on a crafting kick. I am so incredibly thankful to be released from that rest, and creativity is flowing through my veins like the woman I once knew. Now if this darned heat would just break! Gardening is also at the top of my priority list, as well as making sure we have a good “nest egg” ready before we jump into this ranching business.

I could not be more thrilled at the notion of having a foster child. Of giving stability, safety, and comfort, to a child who does not know those things. Oh how I long for that day we get our first foster child. I will cry myself to sleep with tears of gratitude that first night. I have a spay/neuter event that I have not focused enough on, and I am going to be hustling this week to get my volunteers and food put together…

Well, my friends, I suppose I have stolen enough of your time today. Have a blessed day…

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So, after what feels like the longest period of rest in my life, I believe that I have finally been released from it. I woke up the other morning, with a sudden realization of what was causing this pain to persist, and got it all fixed up. I am so thankful for the release, but now that I think about it, I wonder how busy God plans to make me, the next several months. That is a long time to rest. Regardless, I am done resting, but still moving caution and awareness. I feel like I have been given the go- ahead to move forward with my rescue ranch plans, and I have a general feeling of  “Wheee….here we go..!” Hubby and I are on the search for the perfect little start-up ranch, we decided to rent for a few years before we buy, for a whole host of reasons.

I am back up in my kitchen again, and it feels so good to be baking, cooking, and preserving again. I have limited food to preserve, since there is no garden this year, but I still love to go to costco and get big packages of fruit and turn them into fruit leather. Yum! Grape takes an incredibly long time to dry! It feels good, really good, to see some of me coming out again. I have a desire to craft and I have a major quilt bug going on too. I am very excited at the prospect of moving forward with rescue ranch plans into a tangible place! I would be so thrilled to have a foster kid by Christmas!

My girlfriend with the baby girl who is fighting kidney cancer is home, and that is so incredibly exciting! I have not seen them for nine months. Her daughter was given some low number, like 30% odds, of beating this disease, and today she is cancer free. We keep her in our prayers, as there is a high likelihood of reoccurence, but what a delight to see her smiling face. Her biggest struggle right now is learning to eat solids again, and it is a real challenge. Her stomach does not know what to do with them, so it hurts to eat. The very first thing she did when she got to my house was ask for food! You as a reader, cannot possibly know how much I love to feed people, or how instantly flattered I was when she asked me to make her Banana bread! I went on a banana bread frenzy yesterday, and I am happy to say that I have one very large loaf in my freezer for her, and she has one very large loaf to work through. I also made a couple large loaves for my family.  My girl didn’t want nuts in hers, but she really needs the protein, says mom. So, hers are special, with the finest ground nuts you can imagine . In all, I made four batches of banana bread yesterday, and had I used a regular sized pan, I would have had 8 loaves. Wow….that is a lot of banana bread for one little girl. Oops, I realized later how happy I was to be doing anything for her at all. She asked if she could eat in my living room. I told her that for the rest of her life she could do whatever she wanted in my house, because she is my hero. I meant it. She is a good girl…well, except she can’t tell her mom no. That rules till applies to every child in my home. As un-progressive as it is as a parenting technique, and I am pretty well trained in brand new parenting techniques, well, I still find it to be true. You respect your mother and do what she asks. If you disagree, you may discuss it, but you may not say no or be disrespectful. Obviously, if a mother was asking her child to do something ridiculous or dangerous in my home, I would put a stop to it, but kids these days have no respect for adults. It blows my mind when I see the way some of my clients treat their parents.

I am hung up on the times around us. I have recently become blatantly aware of how many people think we live in a democracy. I think I learned that we live in a Republic when I was in the 7th grade. I am amazed how many people are unaware that this grand Ole United States of America is in a state of martial law, and we have been since 2001. I wonder how many people realize the ramifications of socialized healthcare. I used to support it, but a little research, and the state of our medical structure in the US scares the daylights out of me. I am aware of these “drones” that can be as small as mosquitoes or as large as a helicopter that are watching us, and now they are talking about arming them with rubber missiles and tear gas. I am as partriotic as a girl can get. My father fought in the Vietnam war and my grandaddy in wars before him. I cry when I hear the Star Spangled Banner, and I ache for our troops and their families. I am also, for the first time in my adult life, facing an election that I don’t want to join. Everything about the American in me says I have to vote. I HAVE TO! I mean, its what we do. However, how? who? really, I HAVE to? I just am so tired of listening to everyone complain about the President. First of all, we live in a system of checks and balances, and he can’t do anything without a whole slew of other people voting right along side him. Second of all, it doesnt matter who the president is, you never hear people saying, “Well, look what a good job our president is doing” Essentially, running for president seems like a job application to be the countries scapegoat while the congress and house of representatives quietly destroy our government. Now, I do not claim to be educated about government or politics, but I am just speaking, ranting rather, from my heart. Everyone complaining about Obama kills me. Not because I feel one way or the other about Obama, but because not only did most of the complainers vote for him, but everybody thinks they want change until they get it. Can you remember the last time you saw a huge change among masses of people without a great deal of resistance. People want change, until it means they have to change what they are used to, then forget it, who is this fool trying to change the way we do things. Bunch of hypocrisy if you ask me. Not that you did. I kinda took it upon myself to share, huh?

Someone said to me the other day. We need a woman president, but NOT Hillary Clinton. I stopped and said, wait. If not Hillary, than who? Martha? Oprah? I mean, plain and simple, it takes a person of a certain personality type to run for president, and anyone who does, woman or man, is going to have that same cut-throat, get to the top type of personality. The person I was talking to hadn’t considered that, but neither do the rest of the world who think a woman would do better. I am not saying she wouldn’t, I am saying that it takes a certain level of power hunger to want to be president.

So I am in a strange place, because I am in a place where I am facing things I have always refused to face…meaning end times stuff. I am not gullible, and I don’t jump on end of the world bandwagons, however, I am starting to feel like that person. I am seeing Revelations come true before my eyes. I half expect the Rapture to happen any moment. I wonder if God will take us before, or leave us here to guide the ones who are lost? I wonder if people are aware of those flying little drones, and of the mark of the beast. Do you all know that family in Florida that is microchipped? It is here! I hate it that it is here, because I don’t want to jump on that bandwagon, but I cannot deny it any more! Cameras on every corner, govt failing…and we are so closely heading toward a one world rule… I keep thinking its NATO. I wonder how much longer the US govt will make it. It can’t be long, at the rate things are going now. How do I talk to anyone about this without them secretly thinking I am one of them tin-foil hat junkies or that I think zombies are coming. I am not, and I don’t. What I do think though, is that God is getting  ready to give the Earth to Jesus, and it is going to get very messy getting there.

I feel a sense of pressure to get the rescue ranch up and running in time, and really, to make the preparations we need to make to be ready for whatever may happen. Whatever it is, it is here, and it is starting, and it is going to be really ugly. I also feel a sense of peace, knowing that God will make sure we have all we really need to do His will before that time comes, or as we need it.

I used to think I was a heat person. It could be a hundred degrees and I didn’t care, but I hated cold. Well, let me tell you how much that has changed. I CAN”T STAND the heat. YUCK!  I used to love it. Now, the cool comes and I get excited. Snow falls and I get frisky and wanna bundle up and take my dogs out for a good romp in it. I mentioned this to a healthcare professional once, and she told me that I would change me preferences every 7-10 years until I was sixty or so. That was an interesting tidbit, but I gotta say, today, I am not a fan of this incredible heatwave that is slowly passing through. It makes me nauseous, gives me a headache, and robs me of what little appetite I have. Bring on Fall!

Despite my rantings, I am in a fabulous mood. It is nice to be up cooking and baking and feeling like myself again. I have been through a crazy whirlpool of health issues the last six months, but I am finally up and moving again, and I couldn’t be more pleased. It is amazing the little things you take for granted till you can’t do them. It is so incredibly nice to be functional again. Thank You Lord!

I know it has been a while, but I think I am up and moving again, and the next few months should be quite the adventure as we find a little ranch or farm to get started on. I can’t wait to share it with you all. Until next time, have a blessed day!


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Normalcy returning…

Oh thank you Lord! I can feel a sense of normalcy returning to my life. It has been almost four months of wondering if I was ever going to be a productive human being again. I have had no desire to do any of the things I enjoy, like use my dehydrator and garden. Well, some of that I desired to do, but couldn’t. I am starting to have the desires and the energy, and even a little motivation, to start doing these things again. After three back injuries all at once, I guess I needed some serious heal time. It is hot here today, hotter than normal, but it has been a fabulous day. I have been in such a great place, and feeling so content with life. I have learned a few things about letting go of some stressors and taking care of me for real. It has been a long test of my patience, but I have survived it.

Today I processed a bunch of venison jerky. I believe six pounds, and it sits in my fridge marinating in some of the yummiest smelling juices. I cannot wait to sink my teeth into it when it is done!  Hubby’s meals on the road are getting a little boring, and it’s time for wifey to get her broken body up and moving again. Thankfully, it is healing up just in time!

Well, it’s been a few days since I started this post. Life has been a little hectic lately, and I am finally getting back here. It is not near as hot today, but I am somewhat impatient. Feeling overstimulated, and like my routine has been turned upside down in the last couple weeks, I am overwhelmed. I think I have a few more days of overwhelmed in store for me before it all regulates and returns to “normal”. Hubby should get to come off the road for a couple hours this weekend, and it will be so nice to see him! I intend to spend the day catching up on chores that I have let get away from me this week, so that I can sit and enjoy my Saturday with hubby. School is officially out, and I look forward to an active summer with my son. My sick friend, the one with kidney cancer, should finally be coming home this month. It’s been too long and too raw and it will be nice to hug them! I am in overall good spirits, but I can tell I am overwhelmed by the lack of patience in my voice.

I feel desperate to find my rescue ranch and get me some chickens and bees and alpaca’s, oh my! I also feel an “extreme” sense of patience and serenity about it. I started a Bible Study for women on facebook, and so far it is going pretty good. I am in this wonderfully content place, and still, there is patience where restlessness used to be, a sort of , well, understanding, that when it is time, it will apparent.  Some days I think  it is time, but I don’t have the ranch, other days I think that if it were time, I would be able to find the ranch I am supposed to use. I just don’t know. I am going to have to spend some serious time in prayer on clarity!  I don’t know what I am supposed to do to find it. Been looking at ranches like crazy, but none of them seem quite right, I have yet to see a ranch and say “that’s the one”. I think that when I find it I will know. I have had this place I drive, like Sunday drive, well, before gas got so darned expensive! I love it in that canyon. It would be beyond my wildest dreams to live up there. Yesterday, I was up there, and there are many homes for sale, most at a fairly reasonable price… one can hope, and dream, right?

So, today I sit in frazzled contemplation. It is hard to do my chores, because I mostly want to pack it all up as I am cleaning it off or out, but that doesn’t seem to rational now, does it?  I have tons of craft projects I am finally motivated and inspired to do, and well, I am generally good and back up and running, which is great. My shoulder still gets sore but for the ost part I am functional as long as I don’t do any heavy labor. No lifting planters full of dirt, but I believe that I can still have a small garden this year. I just have to buy some starts instead of starting them from seed…which is a bummer, but life goes on, and I have bigger fish to fry, so I will take what I can get.

My child is clearly a teenager. I don’t know when it happened, but one day he was this sweet little kid, and the next day he was yanking stuff outta my hands, saying things like “duh” and “whatever”. Oh man, I don’t know how I will handle him this summer, but one thing is for sure, he does not get to let his manners go. I have set pretty strict rules about expectations for him for the summer. He is expected to do his chores, and practice his extracurricular’s before sitting on his bum being a lazy teenager! Martial arts is going fantastic, and he absolutely loves it, even makes good decisions about it. I couldn’t be happier with our decision to pursue it.

Well, enough of my ramblings, I should get back to the grind. I just wanted to get this out there finally. Until next time, many blessings…


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Today I question the appropriateness of a blog entry. I have been itching to write to you all, and yet, holding back for some reason. My subject matter is heavy. Bright, but heavy. I have a desire to share my love of The Word with others. I am fascinated by the intricacy of this book. The way it comes to life for me is fascinating, and I am enthralled by it. I have a heaviness about the things I see happening around me in the world today, and a joy the squashes it, and thinks about what a nice job Jesus will do with Earth. I have several girlfriends who are being convicted, right now, this week and month. I find myself feeling like I want to bring other Christian women to some of these conversations, and my how the idea of reading Bible Studies and sharing them with other women appeals to me. And so, a Bible study book club is born. It is an online thing, and I have high hopes for it. I believe that we will have a lot of fun growing in God together, and I am uber excited to get started. I cannot wait to see where this takes us. There has been an abundance of violence and disturbance in our tiny little country community, and we are all a bit rattled, but this Bible study is keeping me focused on a very positive light. I have a million little thoughts in my head. I laughed at satan and said “how gullible do you think I am” the other day. It felt good to laugh at him, to be able to say to him that Jesus loves me, and I am protected from him, so please take you ugly self away from here. I know, it sounds weird, but it is a tactic that works good for me when he meddles.

I have received a lot of compliments lately. I mean real compliments, the kind that humble you to your core and make you wanna say, “no, I am not that good” blush blush.  The kind of compliments you know are genuine, but still slightly uncomfortable, in a “your giving me too much credit” kinda way. I have gotten these compliments from women I really admire, women I aspire to be like one day.  I have pondered fearing the Lord alot the last few days, well, much longer really, but it has been on the surface in an undeniable way the last few days.  I thought I was missing something, after all, I love and trust Him so much, how could He ever hurt me? God is love. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around fearing Him, until a discussion with my mother in law made me realize that when I was praying to Him about it, I also asked Him to please not show me, cause I knew what He could do. Puts the word fear in perspective, at very least. I am not afraid of my Father, because I respect and love and treasure Him, but I try very hard not to let him down. I certainly have a fear of disappointing Him. If I was not aware of my actions, and constantly trying to improve on them, I might have a different kind of fear for the Lord, but I don’t think that is meant to be a frightening statement. He is our Father. He does not want us to be frightened. He wants our reverence and respect. He wants us to fear what He can do if we forsake Him.  Like when you do something wrong as a child, you are afraid of the repercussions, the consequences, and you might even get a spanking, “oh man, I hope dad doesn’t find out”. His consequences are there to teach a lesson, but he wont really hurt you. I realized, not so recently, that few people grasp the concept of unconditional love. It is exactly that, unconditional. It means that He loves you. Real, genuine, true, honest, parental love. Nothing changes unconditional love. It has no conditions. I have thoughts of joy, sustainable joy. Oh how I long to describe sustainable joy to my girlfriend and have her hear what I am saying. I have a sense of peace, and a sense of doom. One person in my life repeatedly tells me that every generation has thought they were part of end times, but I really, truly, think it is here. And I have always avoided doomsday stuff, I just don’t jump on that bandwagon, but how many obvious signs can I ignore before I become worse than gullible, in denial? In the doom and catastrophe that signals, I feel joy squashing it down. I feel desperate to lead my friends to The Word, so they can find that key to the lock on the joy door. I am excited about watching Christians grow, and I have a multitude of thoughts that I desire to share, which would not make sense here, but you get the point. My brain has been all wrapped up in this Jesus loving place, and the thoughts that have been going through my head are mostly too heavy for a simple blog. My levels of gratitude and peace are at an all time high, and I just feel so dang blessed I don’t even know how to contain it. I am so thankful for every blessing. Trials and tribulations are just that, and the blessings always blanket them in a layer of tolerability. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for opportunity, for the compost that is my gardens foundation. I am thankful that God always seems to give me some great set of words when I need them the most. I can see Him using me, in two very unique lives, and I can see how I am specially designed to reach them, and WOW! that is flattering to the core.  I am sure a lot of folks get tired of hearing me go on and on about God, Jesus and the Bible, but I am way, way past the point of caring about that. This joy is too much to contain, so I am spilling it out. I am not looking to please anyone but God. Without Him, I would not have this peace and joy, amidst so much darkness and evil. Well, I suppose, enough of that for today! Many blessings all. Until next time…

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There’s just something about a horse

I love horses! I really do. There is just no question that they are at least a part of what lead me to conceive Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. I don’t talk about horses much, and the other day, a friend started asking me about them. I started talking to her and realized that I REALLY LOVE HORSES. Talking about them makes my heart beat faster, my breath changes. I realized, in explaining to her how they make me feel, that it is like poetry. I have never been much of a poet, but I don’t know how to describe the experience of a relationship with a horse that does not sound like poetry. I realized that I don’t talk about them much, because I don’t have access to them. It makes me stir crazy, makes my heart ache with longing. I cannot focus on anything but wanting to go find one to hang out with. I had forgotten that passion, temporarily. Stuffed it deep down inside where it could not tug at my heartstrings, and focused on passions I could manage where I am today. The last couple weeks, it rose to the surface in a most undeniable way. I can hear hoof-beats on my heart, all of the time, and it overwhelms me with joy. I can smell the aroma of a horse. If you are a city gal, this may not make sense to you, but there is something about the smell of a horse that is like no other smell. I tried to tell my friend what it feels like when your breath matches up with a horses breath, when your heartbeats are as one. When you are in a sync with a horse, there is just nothing on this planet that can compare to that feeling. When a horse looks in your eyes, you can see that he is looking into your soul…to the very depths of your being, and making a split second decision about you. Once he trusts you, your ability to share secrets is a bond like no other. Its replenishing, revitalizing. It is good for the soul! If you have never had the opportunity to ride a horse, I recommend you try it some time. I am eagerly anticipating the day I can visit my horses out back every morning! I long for the day that my entertainment involves taking my horses to the trail-head and saddling up. It is so nice, feeling like that goal is just right around the next corner.

The other thing on my mind today is extended nursing It has been all over the news, all over facebook, and everywhere you go. For the folks who don’t wanna see it, they sure do like to talk about it. I guess I just don’t care how long a mother and child nurse. Some mothers think three years is perfect, others think six months. Or maybe, you can’t nurse at all for some health reason. Who has a right to an opinion about this, aside from a mother, her husband, and the child? As far as I can tell, it is not harmful to breastfeed past the first year, and it is common in other countries. It is becoming widely known that American/Western healthcare is failing, and that Americans are the least healthy ever. I have read so many articles lately about the declining health of the US population, and I wonder why we are so scared to adopt new ways? Only a pervert would think that it is a sexual bond, between mother and child, and that a four year old is being perverted when nursing. That is asinine. It’s absolutely absurd! At that age, children are still afraid of the opposite genders “cooties”. There is nothing sexual about it. Just as a man can get excited  for no reason in particular, a child can nurse without it being a sexual act. Nurture maybe, but that is what moms are made for, first and foremost. The reality of the situation is that we are the only society I know of that doesn’t accept extended nursing. We are also a very unhealthy society unwilling to adopt other means of medicine and healthcare. The research shows that breast milk is good for babies and nursing is good for mothers, even extended nursing. So why all the controversy? Who’s business is it? Why do people think it is their business? I am pretty dumbfounded that this is as big in the news right now as the political campaign going on in the background. My feelings on the TIME magazine cover, I think they were trying to stir controversy and did. I guess if that is what they were looking for, then good job TIME. I also feel as though it is magazine covers like these that lead to a lot of sadness and bickering in our country. Are you mom enough? Really, like moms don’t have enough pressure on them. They need it to be all the hype in the media too? Every mother questions her abilities at one time or another. Do we really need a major magazine egging on our negative self talk? I am a little disappointed in the cover, for the controversy it stirred over a situation that should be a private, family decision. For making mothers feel like they have to live up to some societal standard. Who imposes these standards? I vote we let people be themselves. These nursing mama’s aren’t hurting anybody, and they are probably doing our medicare system some good in the long run, as they are likely to raise healthier children and even adults. A cure for breast cancer?  Maybe not, but the best deterrent science has found yet. I just do not understand what the big deal is. As long as we walk around expecting parenting decisions to be political choices, picking on each other and comparing ourselves to each other, and how we add up, we will never be a peaceable society that works together. We need to gather up, support each other, work together. Teamwork folks! That is what we need. A society that supports and listens to each other, opens their mind to new ways of doing things. A society that works in conjunction with instead of against each other. We need to stop expecting moms to live to a certain level of expectation that probably exceeds out own abilities, and accept them for the human beings they are, with strengths, weaknesses, and opinions, just like the rest of you. When it comes to parenting, their opinion about whats best for their child really doesn’t affect you, does it? We are all human, and we are all struggling here, so why not work together? It is killing me that this is the news. How petty have we become as a nation that we are publicly discussing whether it is ok to extended nurse on all of the nightly news channels? It feels more like gossip than news.

And, I will climb down off my soapbox now. It is too pretty a day to be ranting. It is a gorgeous day to do some light gardening and open all the windows and doors. Its time for me to get my butt in gear and get out to the greenhouse. I hope it wasnt cold last night, I think I forgot to shut the door. Oops…

Wishing you all a blessed day…

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And so the cycle continues…

The cycle continues. I am nearly done with my business plan, and feeling pretty good about progress made on my path to the Rescue Ranch. I gave myself a five year plan, almost four and a half years ago. I believe I am right on schedule. I have reached a place where I have started looking at ranches for sale now. I am hung up on wondering if we should buy a house, on some acres, or are we supposed to be looking for something more commercial, like a bed and breakfast or a dude ranch for sale? It seems to me that anyplace that has more than one living space on the property falls upward of 2 million dollars around here, and well, it just appears that it would be cheaper to buy a house and some acreage for two or three hundred thousand, and add the amenities as we go. I am really unsure of what to be looking for here. I am also very aware that my last message from God was to sit, wait, breathe, relax, and get my back healthy and it would come to me. I continue to do those things, waiting ever so “patiently”. Patience may be the relative term here. I am excited. Oh so excited! I daydream all day long, of chickens and bees and Alpacas. I can’t get my huge garden and tiny orchard out of my head. The idea of a big kitchen in which to process all the wonderful goodies that I am producing is so enthralling I can barely stand it. I ache to feel my feet on the soil that will one day be known as Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. The one thing that has remained true, in both visions, is that the main home is blue, and there is a white picket fence, which, by the way, I have never wanted…or if I did I was unaware of it. I think if I see that home I will know where I am supposed to be. I just gotta find the home from my visions. I cannot remember the first one very clearly. I remember being in the garden, in a long, flow-y, white summer dress. I remember being surprised by the white picket fence, and who one earth wears a white dress to garden? I cannot remember if the house was the same as the one in the second, much more clearly defined, vision. I do not know if they were the same color or size, but I am dying to find that home and yard, and when I do, I will know it. I remember they were both blue. Anyway, when I do find what I am looking for, blue or not, I am sure it will be glaringly apparent.

I have found myself on a strange and lonely path. It is not a bad lonely. It is a period of contemplation. I have found that I am having a hard time relating to some friends of the past, and making new friends in the most unusual places. When I step back and look at those new friendships, and where I am going, it is pretty obvious why some of these folks have come into my life, and when I look at old friendships, it reminds me of where I have come from. I love both groups so much. I have found myself struggling for words lately, as I have seen some of the friends I have known so long, beat their heads against the same walls over, and over, and over again. I wonder when they will stop torturing themselves. Why do they choose to only focus on the negative details? One friend cries and cried and cries for weeks over a hopeless situation. It affects everything about her days. I remember a time when I was in those same shoes. No matter how the situation was really presenting, I freaked out about the stuff I couldn’t change. It was torture. I would have done anything for happiness, but no matter what anyone said, I could not really hear them.  I needed something outside of me to change, for life to give me a break. Every little thing that went wrong defined my day and my life. I DO NOT MISS THOSE DAYS! I now struggle with being able to help my friend see that it is not something outside if her that has to change. It is her heart, her perspective, her vision of the situation, that has to change. It is not external. With a joy and contentment inside me, that I know comes from some simple choices I made, about perspective, I know that no matter how simple the concepts, wrapping your brain around them is foreign. How do we break the cycle from unhealthy self talk and thinking, to healthy self talk and thinking?I find it difficult to find the words this friend needs to hear, because I know that until her time, they will fall on deaf ears.

I find myself daydreaming of that joyful place. It occurs to me that I have had two visions with the same house in them. In the first one, my rescue ranch had not even been conceived by me yet, and in the second one it was a different perspective, but I believe it was the same house. I continue a cycle of daydreaming about chickens, bees, and alpacas, and I continue to daydream about canning and drying and putting up food. I got an upgraded dehydrator for mothers day and I couldn’t be happier about it. I LOVE dehydrating food far more than I ever imagined I could. I have some apples ready to go in this one. Next time I upgrade, I am going for the super heavy duty one! It is a gorgeous day, and I think I am going to try to get some gentle gardening done, and maybe clean my car real nice. My shoulder has been hurting so I will have to play it by ear and see what I can do without hurting myself. I had a doc recommend I get a back brace last week, and it has been fabulous for helping me stay in posture, even when distracted. I have some dwarf citrus trees I would really like to transplant, and it would be a fabulous day for it. I may have let one of them get to dry when I was really hurt to badly to take care of them. I am hoping it surprises me and comes back to a nice soft green place. I have found that often patience is all a plant needs to get a second chance.

Hubby is back at work, and my son is home with a bum tooth. Dentist can’t fix it till Monday, next week, so he will be going back to school tomorrow for sure. I have discovered a routine for cleaning when my husband is not here that works fabulously, I get tons done, and a wide variety of tasks get completed. I wish I could get a grip on my craft supplies. I have so many sewing and craft supplies that they are bulging out of every room I own..well, not really, but almost. I have many crafts that are ready to be put up for sale, but due to the lack of organization in my office, I just can’t seem to get myself to do it.

I started this post thinking about the cycles of abuse that people put themselves through, but got interrupted midway through. By the time I returned, my thoughts were back on chickens, and gardens, and a nice peaceful ranch. I am going to go work toward that for a while. Have a blessed day all…

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musings (the quest for happiness)

Good day friends!

Boy, the thoughts I left you with last night were discombobulated and skewed. I did not elaborate or make the sense of those thoughts that I wished to. In all I have been processing the last few days with my two friends strange behavior, I have really had a lot of time to do some reflecting on myself. I wonder what cycles I perpetuate over and over in my life. I evaluated the gifts I am thankful for, and how pleased I am to be looking into a situation, as though through a window, that I was at one point inside of. Try to explain true peace to someone who has never known it, and there are no shortage of people who have never experienced true peace. I feel so blessed to have been given an opportunity to know peace. It breaks my heart to see loved ones struggling with something so simple, and yet, I remember a time, when peace seemed like the most foreign concept in the world to me. Through a series of behavior changes, profound theories offered, and careful examination of my heart, it was not hard to find peace at all. It was really quite simple once I understood healthy behavior. Too bad so few understand healthy behavior. So many people running around trying to find peace and happiness, while it is right under their noses. Even after having been in those shoes, I have no idea what to say to a friend who is grappling with her demons? I have no idea what advice to offer to someone who has never had a healthy day in her life, and who has no idea what it feels like to have healthy behaviors. If you have never been content, it is a strange feeling to get used to. If you are used to feeling uncomfortable all the time, being comfortable can be an unwelcome and strange sensation, and most people fight it. Accepting comfort, grace, peace, and happiness is a difficult thing. It has something to do with gratitude, and faith. Contentment is a rare thing to come by, and I struggle with the inability to give other people the simple wisdom that happiness encompasses.

I offer these tools as a quick course to happiness. Walk. Whenever your brain is unfocused, in fight or flight mode. Walk. Walk hard for twenty minutes, at least. Get your heart rate up and it will trigger your logical brain to kick in and turn off your survival brain. It is not healthy to live in survival mode all the time. Too many bad chemicals and hormones put into your body. Those emotions are meant to be used for short periods of time in survival situations, not to be lives with day in and day out. Walk. Walk hard! Feel your heels hit the pavement. Breathe with every step. Pace yourself. Walk. Hard. It will start to feel as though situations only last while they are happening, and not set the mood for the whole entire day. And on that note, realize that one bad thing does not mean that your day is wrecked, or gonna be “one of those days”. It just means that this particular five minutes sucks, but it will pass and you can get on with your day. Even a series of five minute events, a stubbed toe, out of milk, empty gas tank, forgot your purse, are only a series of minor inconveniences, not the definition of your day. You control your happiness, but when a person is in a funk, or depressed, that is pretty hard to believe, or learn how to do. You still have the option to redirect. Slow down, get back in your car and go back for your purse, give your boss a call. Sorry I am going to be late, it has been a rough morning, and we will see you soon. You are only human. Take a second to take a deep breath on your way back for your purse, and count whatever blessings you may have. After all, it is possible that having to go back was God’s way of protecting you from a car accident just ahead in your path, or a burner that you forgot to turn off at home. Is it a nice, sunny day, and you now have fifteen more minutes to enjoy the sunshine before you clock in? Its your choice, what you make of it. Can you see the bright side, what positives might come from this minor inconvenience?

I have already shared the concept of “shoulding all over someone” with you at length. This includes self. If you spend a lot of time dwelling on what you should have done, or should be doing, you are not getting anywhere, so get up and move forward. Are you really willing to give up even three minutes of joy to be irritated that some guy didn’t use his blinker or that some girl was on her phone and cut you off? Maybe he is on his way to his wife in labor, or she may be getting directions to the place where her daughters car went off the road. We just cannot know other peoples circumstances most of the time, but we all have circumstances some times, so best to just give people the benefit of the doubt and have a little compassion. Plus, not only are you happier, but it makes for a nicer world when we don’t assume the worst about others. Unless, of course, you are perfect, have never made a mistake, and do not wish that others would give you the same benefit of the doubt when you are being all human and stuff.

Gratitude is huge in the quest for happiness. Are you grateful for your blessings, or are you busy being irritated about that thing the snobby girl at the office said; “she is so spoiled, she has no clue what the real world is like”. Right. By the way, not only is this lack of gratitude, I hear a little shoulding going on there too. Implied shoulding, but shoulding nonetheless. I hear people saying, why does she get this, and he get that, and I just struggle all day and get no where. I have said it too…not any more though. Next time you feel like you are less than joyful, sit back and think about your blessings. Get out a pen and paper and start writing them down. I don’t know anyone who cant get to at least ten, and by the time you have listed ten things you are thankful for, you are feeling pretty joyous! It takes all of three or four minutes, and it is a quick reminder or how blessed you really are. Gratitude is the best tool I know for genuine joy, and gratitude is something we can make a decision to tangibly reach out and grasp. And, when we give thanks, we give it to our creator. Which leads us to faith. You must have faith to have genuine happiness. Without faith, what do we have to hold to for hope? What do we have to be thankful for. Faith is a cornerstone of happiness. A basic foundational need. Faith teaches us to trust, and to see the beauty in things. It gives us a reason to keep improving upon ourselves and it gets us through the most difficult of times.

I have spent the last few days reflecting on those lessons, in my quest for happiness. I found happiness, peace, calm, and faith, all in one big swift move. I have restless days, but I turn to my good Father and know that it is only a chapter of patience or solitude or reflection that I am in, that it shall pass, and that I am not lost. I know that He has a plan for me, and that I am right where I am supposed to be. There is a tremendous amount of solace in that. I find peace in the gifts I have been given. They are quiet gifts. Not a big house, a fancy car, a big college education, but I was given such gifts as compassion, insight, the ability to communicate effectively, and the knowledge that through even the hardest times, I am not alone. I have a knack for understanding and taking positives out of the Bible that many lack. I have a gift of intuition and a deep sense of nurture. I have the gift of humanitarianism in me, and that is such a huge compliment from my dear Father. What He has given me is heavy. A responsibility to the underprivileged. What a huge compliment and so much obligation. I am humbled by the tasks He has appointed me. I feel blessed by the compliment that I get to help care for the less fortunate, and awed that He thinks so highly of me that He would deem me competent for such a huge task. Part of the key to happiness, is learning to see your misfortunes as tool sharpening devices.

I had a less than ideal childhood, as many would agree. It is what I did with that childhood that is a gift from God. I see so many people using their childhood to perpetuate cycles of abuse, misfortune, and sadness. I choose to take my misfortune, and turn it into a positive. A learning opportunity, and I dig as deep as I can till I find the bright side of it. For the longest time, my mom thought I was crazy when I told her, “if I wouldn’t have been molested, I probably wouldn’t be a write today, plus, it gives me compassion and understanding, and the tools I need to help understand the victimized women I will be working with” rather than wonder why God is not protecting me from satans ways, I wonder how God will use satans meddling to do good in my life. I do not blame the negatives in my life on God. I blame them on the meddlings of the evil one, but I know that God will get me through and make me a better person for it, and that is why He allows it to happen. All along, He knew the pain and heartache that I would endure, and all along the way, He carried me when it got to much, knowing, that one day, I would help people find the peace He offers. That I would be the one to offer tangible, physical comfort, to those in storm, in His name. Wow! the enormity of that overwhelms me. He gives me so much more credit than I give myself. I am thankful, for the blessings, trials, tribulations, and saving grace, in my life! Every situation offers an opportunity for growth, it is what you choose to do with it that will determine your happiness. Can you find the silver lining in the gray of the clouds? Can you find calm and peace in the storm. It is all so much simpler than words would make it sound, and yet, so incredibly difficult to put words on. On that note, remember, we are all just working with the tools we were given. Our foundations are full of shame and unmet needs somewhere along the line. We are all human, all subject to heartache, mistakes, and basic human error. If you give everyone that benefit of the doubt, you will come a long way in that quest for happiness. Until next time…God bless!


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Today I feel a little reclusive. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I am in a great mood, and have had a wonderful day, accomplinshing a bead organizing project I have been looking forward to doing for months now, and FINALLY, I spent a day wrapping it up. Nice feeling for sure. The problem I am having with reclusiveness stems from watching two people I am close to put themselves through the same cycles of abuse over and over again, and I just want to shake them and say…”can’t you see how stupid you are being?” I have had way to many years of therapy though, to do that. I know better, and I know that to do so I would be “shoulding all over them”. What do you say when someone is clearly using weak excuses to justify a behavior that, well, they obviously need to justify. I feel that if they need to justify the behavior, then somewhere in them they know its wrong. I am left with asking some introspective questions, and hoping they will be pondered upon…but I don’t think it did any good. the other situation is just plain hideous. A person I know who wants to try to fix a failing marriage through immoral behavior, only this person I am more blunt with, and I was able to at least really express to her how messed up the thought she expressed to me was. I think she will still act on the idea, but she will just not tell me. Fine with me, I really have no interest in “shoulding on” anyone. I don’t want to hear her crying when it doesn’t work out, and acting all confused about why it didn’t work. That is one of the most troubled people I know, asking me for advice, then ignoring me or blowing me off, or giving me weak excuses, when I offer advice. Why ask if you don’t wanna hear the truth anyway? If you are not going to act on any advice, is it that you just wanna whine? I guess the part of me that deals with people is feeling intolerant, but, accepting of others. I love the “should all over” rule. A great therapist once taught me that I would be a lot happier if I quit “shoulding all over” myself and others. In other words, instead of thinking people should behave like I would, I give them the benefit of the doubt. It works like a champ, and my level of compassion has really grown tremendously with that skill too. After all, no one will ever behave the same ways I would all of the time, and as long as I spend my time being upset at someone else’s behavior, I am stealing precious time for happiness and gratitude from myself. If I see a guy with no blinker, I don’t get irritated that he didn’t use his blinker, I assume his daughter was just in a car accident and he is just trying to get to the hospital as fast as he can. When I think I “should”
have done something different, I remember that the event has passed, I didn’t do it that way, and that is the plain fact. Nothing I can do about it now, so move forward. One of the most useful tools I ever found, in my quest for simple joy and happiness, was the understanding of what it does to ME when I “should all over myself and others”. Well, it makes me more compassionate, and easier to get along with. I am better at validating people and well, generally happier, however, on days like today, I find it is best to just keep to myself. Rather than argue with people about decisions they are making for themselves, I spent my day sorting and organizing all of my beads. It was a nice day. I have had a ton of Grey’s Anatomy episodes piling up in the DVR, and I finally sat down and watched them, all. I swear I organized beads and had a TV marathon all day today, and I loved it. Most days, I turn the computer on around five am. Today, I didn’t go near the thing till after ten pm, and I loved it. I would go stir crazy if I spent every day isolated like I did today, but it sure was nice for a day.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the weekend. My client comes tomorrow, and then a rummage sale for my friend with cancer. My sister is also graduating on the same day as the fundraiser, but far away in another state, and is only allowed to take two family members to her graduation anyway. Sunday is, well, Sunday, and I believe that hubby will be taking off to work far away on the road for a while again. Its hard when he is far away, but almost harder when he is close by, because he has to commute two hours every day, and that makes for disruptive schedules, early mornings and late dinners…too late. Especially when we have no idea when he will be arriving, until two hours before the fact. Some nights its seven, and other nights its ten thirty. Ugh! It will be weird if he leaves this weekend though, he has been around for about a month…getting used to it. It is nice to have him around…

I have slowly been getting back into the swing of things. I am looking forward to a productive day tomorrow, and even through my tv and bead marathon, I got quiet a few chores done today as well. I look forward to doing dishes without pain, and PT not being the highlight of my day, but meanwhile, I am quite thankful for the ability to function at the level I am. Well, I could chat all night, but my battery is blinking at me…time to plug in. Have a blessed evening friends…until next time.