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Normalcy returning…

Oh thank you Lord! I can feel a sense of normalcy returning to my life. It has been almost four months of wondering if I was ever going to be a productive human being again. I have had no desire to do any of the things I enjoy, like use my dehydrator and garden. Well, some of that I desired to do, but couldn’t. I am starting to have the desires and the energy, and even a little motivation, to start doing these things again. After three back injuries all at once, I guess I needed some serious heal time. It is hot here today, hotter than normal, but it has been a fabulous day. I have been in such a great place, and feeling so content with life. I have learned a few things about letting go of some stressors and taking care of me for real. It has been a long test of my patience, but I have survived it.

Today I processed a bunch of venison jerky. I believe six pounds, and it sits in my fridge marinating in some of the yummiest smelling juices. I cannot wait to sink my teeth into it when it is done!  Hubby’s meals on the road are getting a little boring, and it’s time for wifey to get her broken body up and moving again. Thankfully, it is healing up just in time!

Well, it’s been a few days since I started this post. Life has been a little hectic lately, and I am finally getting back here. It is not near as hot today, but I am somewhat impatient. Feeling overstimulated, and like my routine has been turned upside down in the last couple weeks, I am overwhelmed. I think I have a few more days of overwhelmed in store for me before it all regulates and returns to “normal”. Hubby should get to come off the road for a couple hours this weekend, and it will be so nice to see him! I intend to spend the day catching up on chores that I have let get away from me this week, so that I can sit and enjoy my Saturday with hubby. School is officially out, and I look forward to an active summer with my son. My sick friend, the one with kidney cancer, should finally be coming home this month. It’s been too long and too raw and it will be nice to hug them! I am in overall good spirits, but I can tell I am overwhelmed by the lack of patience in my voice.

I feel desperate to find my rescue ranch and get me some chickens and bees and alpaca’s, oh my! I also feel an “extreme” sense of patience and serenity about it. I started a Bible Study for women on facebook, and so far it is going pretty good. I am in this wonderfully content place, and still, there is patience where restlessness used to be, a sort of , well, understanding, that when it is time, it will apparent.  Some days I think  it is time, but I don’t have the ranch, other days I think that if it were time, I would be able to find the ranch I am supposed to use. I just don’t know. I am going to have to spend some serious time in prayer on clarity!  I don’t know what I am supposed to do to find it. Been looking at ranches like crazy, but none of them seem quite right, I have yet to see a ranch and say “that’s the one”. I think that when I find it I will know. I have had this place I drive, like Sunday drive, well, before gas got so darned expensive! I love it in that canyon. It would be beyond my wildest dreams to live up there. Yesterday, I was up there, and there are many homes for sale, most at a fairly reasonable price… one can hope, and dream, right?

So, today I sit in frazzled contemplation. It is hard to do my chores, because I mostly want to pack it all up as I am cleaning it off or out, but that doesn’t seem to rational now, does it?  I have tons of craft projects I am finally motivated and inspired to do, and well, I am generally good and back up and running, which is great. My shoulder still gets sore but for the ost part I am functional as long as I don’t do any heavy labor. No lifting planters full of dirt, but I believe that I can still have a small garden this year. I just have to buy some starts instead of starting them from seed…which is a bummer, but life goes on, and I have bigger fish to fry, so I will take what I can get.

My child is clearly a teenager. I don’t know when it happened, but one day he was this sweet little kid, and the next day he was yanking stuff outta my hands, saying things like “duh” and “whatever”. Oh man, I don’t know how I will handle him this summer, but one thing is for sure, he does not get to let his manners go. I have set pretty strict rules about expectations for him for the summer. He is expected to do his chores, and practice his extracurricular’s before sitting on his bum being a lazy teenager! Martial arts is going fantastic, and he absolutely loves it, even makes good decisions about it. I couldn’t be happier with our decision to pursue it.

Well, enough of my ramblings, I should get back to the grind. I just wanted to get this out there finally. Until next time, many blessings…

 

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Today I question the appropriateness of a blog entry. I have been itching to write to you all, and yet, holding back for some reason. My subject matter is heavy. Bright, but heavy. I have a desire to share my love of The Word with others. I am fascinated by the intricacy of this book. The way it comes to life for me is fascinating, and I am enthralled by it. I have a heaviness about the things I see happening around me in the world today, and a joy the squashes it, and thinks about what a nice job Jesus will do with Earth. I have several girlfriends who are being convicted, right now, this week and month. I find myself feeling like I want to bring other Christian women to some of these conversations, and my how the idea of reading Bible Studies and sharing them with other women appeals to me. And so, a Bible study book club is born. It is an online thing, and I have high hopes for it. I believe that we will have a lot of fun growing in God together, and I am uber excited to get started. I cannot wait to see where this takes us. There has been an abundance of violence and disturbance in our tiny little country community, and we are all a bit rattled, but this Bible study is keeping me focused on a very positive light. I have a million little thoughts in my head. I laughed at satan and said “how gullible do you think I am” the other day. It felt good to laugh at him, to be able to say to him that Jesus loves me, and I am protected from him, so please take you ugly self away from here. I know, it sounds weird, but it is a tactic that works good for me when he meddles.

I have received a lot of compliments lately. I mean real compliments, the kind that humble you to your core and make you wanna say, “no, I am not that good” blush blush.  The kind of compliments you know are genuine, but still slightly uncomfortable, in a “your giving me too much credit” kinda way. I have gotten these compliments from women I really admire, women I aspire to be like one day.  I have pondered fearing the Lord alot the last few days, well, much longer really, but it has been on the surface in an undeniable way the last few days.  I thought I was missing something, after all, I love and trust Him so much, how could He ever hurt me? God is love. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around fearing Him, until a discussion with my mother in law made me realize that when I was praying to Him about it, I also asked Him to please not show me, cause I knew what He could do. Puts the word fear in perspective, at very least. I am not afraid of my Father, because I respect and love and treasure Him, but I try very hard not to let him down. I certainly have a fear of disappointing Him. If I was not aware of my actions, and constantly trying to improve on them, I might have a different kind of fear for the Lord, but I don’t think that is meant to be a frightening statement. He is our Father. He does not want us to be frightened. He wants our reverence and respect. He wants us to fear what He can do if we forsake Him.  Like when you do something wrong as a child, you are afraid of the repercussions, the consequences, and you might even get a spanking, “oh man, I hope dad doesn’t find out”. His consequences are there to teach a lesson, but he wont really hurt you. I realized, not so recently, that few people grasp the concept of unconditional love. It is exactly that, unconditional. It means that He loves you. Real, genuine, true, honest, parental love. Nothing changes unconditional love. It has no conditions. I have thoughts of joy, sustainable joy. Oh how I long to describe sustainable joy to my girlfriend and have her hear what I am saying. I have a sense of peace, and a sense of doom. One person in my life repeatedly tells me that every generation has thought they were part of end times, but I really, truly, think it is here. And I have always avoided doomsday stuff, I just don’t jump on that bandwagon, but how many obvious signs can I ignore before I become worse than gullible, in denial? In the doom and catastrophe that signals, I feel joy squashing it down. I feel desperate to lead my friends to The Word, so they can find that key to the lock on the joy door. I am excited about watching Christians grow, and I have a multitude of thoughts that I desire to share, which would not make sense here, but you get the point. My brain has been all wrapped up in this Jesus loving place, and the thoughts that have been going through my head are mostly too heavy for a simple blog. My levels of gratitude and peace are at an all time high, and I just feel so dang blessed I don’t even know how to contain it. I am so thankful for every blessing. Trials and tribulations are just that, and the blessings always blanket them in a layer of tolerability. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for opportunity, for the compost that is my gardens foundation. I am thankful that God always seems to give me some great set of words when I need them the most. I can see Him using me, in two very unique lives, and I can see how I am specially designed to reach them, and WOW! that is flattering to the core.  I am sure a lot of folks get tired of hearing me go on and on about God, Jesus and the Bible, but I am way, way past the point of caring about that. This joy is too much to contain, so I am spilling it out. I am not looking to please anyone but God. Without Him, I would not have this peace and joy, amidst so much darkness and evil. Well, I suppose, enough of that for today! Many blessings all. Until next time…

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There’s just something about a horse

I love horses! I really do. There is just no question that they are at least a part of what lead me to conceive Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. I don’t talk about horses much, and the other day, a friend started asking me about them. I started talking to her and realized that I REALLY LOVE HORSES. Talking about them makes my heart beat faster, my breath changes. I realized, in explaining to her how they make me feel, that it is like poetry. I have never been much of a poet, but I don’t know how to describe the experience of a relationship with a horse that does not sound like poetry. I realized that I don’t talk about them much, because I don’t have access to them. It makes me stir crazy, makes my heart ache with longing. I cannot focus on anything but wanting to go find one to hang out with. I had forgotten that passion, temporarily. Stuffed it deep down inside where it could not tug at my heartstrings, and focused on passions I could manage where I am today. The last couple weeks, it rose to the surface in a most undeniable way. I can hear hoof-beats on my heart, all of the time, and it overwhelms me with joy. I can smell the aroma of a horse. If you are a city gal, this may not make sense to you, but there is something about the smell of a horse that is like no other smell. I tried to tell my friend what it feels like when your breath matches up with a horses breath, when your heartbeats are as one. When you are in a sync with a horse, there is just nothing on this planet that can compare to that feeling. When a horse looks in your eyes, you can see that he is looking into your soul…to the very depths of your being, and making a split second decision about you. Once he trusts you, your ability to share secrets is a bond like no other. Its replenishing, revitalizing. It is good for the soul! If you have never had the opportunity to ride a horse, I recommend you try it some time. I am eagerly anticipating the day I can visit my horses out back every morning! I long for the day that my entertainment involves taking my horses to the trail-head and saddling up. It is so nice, feeling like that goal is just right around the next corner.

The other thing on my mind today is extended nursing It has been all over the news, all over facebook, and everywhere you go. For the folks who don’t wanna see it, they sure do like to talk about it. I guess I just don’t care how long a mother and child nurse. Some mothers think three years is perfect, others think six months. Or maybe, you can’t nurse at all for some health reason. Who has a right to an opinion about this, aside from a mother, her husband, and the child? As far as I can tell, it is not harmful to breastfeed past the first year, and it is common in other countries. It is becoming widely known that American/Western healthcare is failing, and that Americans are the least healthy ever. I have read so many articles lately about the declining health of the US population, and I wonder why we are so scared to adopt new ways? Only a pervert would think that it is a sexual bond, between mother and child, and that a four year old is being perverted when nursing. That is asinine. It’s absolutely absurd! At that age, children are still afraid of the opposite genders “cooties”. There is nothing sexual about it. Just as a man can get excited  for no reason in particular, a child can nurse without it being a sexual act. Nurture maybe, but that is what moms are made for, first and foremost. The reality of the situation is that we are the only society I know of that doesn’t accept extended nursing. We are also a very unhealthy society unwilling to adopt other means of medicine and healthcare. The research shows that breast milk is good for babies and nursing is good for mothers, even extended nursing. So why all the controversy? Who’s business is it? Why do people think it is their business? I am pretty dumbfounded that this is as big in the news right now as the political campaign going on in the background. My feelings on the TIME magazine cover, I think they were trying to stir controversy and did. I guess if that is what they were looking for, then good job TIME. I also feel as though it is magazine covers like these that lead to a lot of sadness and bickering in our country. Are you mom enough? Really, like moms don’t have enough pressure on them. They need it to be all the hype in the media too? Every mother questions her abilities at one time or another. Do we really need a major magazine egging on our negative self talk? I am a little disappointed in the cover, for the controversy it stirred over a situation that should be a private, family decision. For making mothers feel like they have to live up to some societal standard. Who imposes these standards? I vote we let people be themselves. These nursing mama’s aren’t hurting anybody, and they are probably doing our medicare system some good in the long run, as they are likely to raise healthier children and even adults. A cure for breast cancer?  Maybe not, but the best deterrent science has found yet. I just do not understand what the big deal is. As long as we walk around expecting parenting decisions to be political choices, picking on each other and comparing ourselves to each other, and how we add up, we will never be a peaceable society that works together. We need to gather up, support each other, work together. Teamwork folks! That is what we need. A society that supports and listens to each other, opens their mind to new ways of doing things. A society that works in conjunction with instead of against each other. We need to stop expecting moms to live to a certain level of expectation that probably exceeds out own abilities, and accept them for the human beings they are, with strengths, weaknesses, and opinions, just like the rest of you. When it comes to parenting, their opinion about whats best for their child really doesn’t affect you, does it? We are all human, and we are all struggling here, so why not work together? It is killing me that this is the news. How petty have we become as a nation that we are publicly discussing whether it is ok to extended nurse on all of the nightly news channels? It feels more like gossip than news.

And, I will climb down off my soapbox now. It is too pretty a day to be ranting. It is a gorgeous day to do some light gardening and open all the windows and doors. Its time for me to get my butt in gear and get out to the greenhouse. I hope it wasnt cold last night, I think I forgot to shut the door. Oops…

Wishing you all a blessed day…

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musings (the quest for happiness)

Good day friends!

Boy, the thoughts I left you with last night were discombobulated and skewed. I did not elaborate or make the sense of those thoughts that I wished to. In all I have been processing the last few days with my two friends strange behavior, I have really had a lot of time to do some reflecting on myself. I wonder what cycles I perpetuate over and over in my life. I evaluated the gifts I am thankful for, and how pleased I am to be looking into a situation, as though through a window, that I was at one point inside of. Try to explain true peace to someone who has never known it, and there are no shortage of people who have never experienced true peace. I feel so blessed to have been given an opportunity to know peace. It breaks my heart to see loved ones struggling with something so simple, and yet, I remember a time, when peace seemed like the most foreign concept in the world to me. Through a series of behavior changes, profound theories offered, and careful examination of my heart, it was not hard to find peace at all. It was really quite simple once I understood healthy behavior. Too bad so few understand healthy behavior. So many people running around trying to find peace and happiness, while it is right under their noses. Even after having been in those shoes, I have no idea what to say to a friend who is grappling with her demons? I have no idea what advice to offer to someone who has never had a healthy day in her life, and who has no idea what it feels like to have healthy behaviors. If you have never been content, it is a strange feeling to get used to. If you are used to feeling uncomfortable all the time, being comfortable can be an unwelcome and strange sensation, and most people fight it. Accepting comfort, grace, peace, and happiness is a difficult thing. It has something to do with gratitude, and faith. Contentment is a rare thing to come by, and I struggle with the inability to give other people the simple wisdom that happiness encompasses.

I offer these tools as a quick course to happiness. Walk. Whenever your brain is unfocused, in fight or flight mode. Walk. Walk hard for twenty minutes, at least. Get your heart rate up and it will trigger your logical brain to kick in and turn off your survival brain. It is not healthy to live in survival mode all the time. Too many bad chemicals and hormones put into your body. Those emotions are meant to be used for short periods of time in survival situations, not to be lives with day in and day out. Walk. Walk hard! Feel your heels hit the pavement. Breathe with every step. Pace yourself. Walk. Hard. It will start to feel as though situations only last while they are happening, and not set the mood for the whole entire day. And on that note, realize that one bad thing does not mean that your day is wrecked, or gonna be “one of those days”. It just means that this particular five minutes sucks, but it will pass and you can get on with your day. Even a series of five minute events, a stubbed toe, out of milk, empty gas tank, forgot your purse, are only a series of minor inconveniences, not the definition of your day. You control your happiness, but when a person is in a funk, or depressed, that is pretty hard to believe, or learn how to do. You still have the option to redirect. Slow down, get back in your car and go back for your purse, give your boss a call. Sorry I am going to be late, it has been a rough morning, and we will see you soon. You are only human. Take a second to take a deep breath on your way back for your purse, and count whatever blessings you may have. After all, it is possible that having to go back was God’s way of protecting you from a car accident just ahead in your path, or a burner that you forgot to turn off at home. Is it a nice, sunny day, and you now have fifteen more minutes to enjoy the sunshine before you clock in? Its your choice, what you make of it. Can you see the bright side, what positives might come from this minor inconvenience?

I have already shared the concept of “shoulding all over someone” with you at length. This includes self. If you spend a lot of time dwelling on what you should have done, or should be doing, you are not getting anywhere, so get up and move forward. Are you really willing to give up even three minutes of joy to be irritated that some guy didn’t use his blinker or that some girl was on her phone and cut you off? Maybe he is on his way to his wife in labor, or she may be getting directions to the place where her daughters car went off the road. We just cannot know other peoples circumstances most of the time, but we all have circumstances some times, so best to just give people the benefit of the doubt and have a little compassion. Plus, not only are you happier, but it makes for a nicer world when we don’t assume the worst about others. Unless, of course, you are perfect, have never made a mistake, and do not wish that others would give you the same benefit of the doubt when you are being all human and stuff.

Gratitude is huge in the quest for happiness. Are you grateful for your blessings, or are you busy being irritated about that thing the snobby girl at the office said; “she is so spoiled, she has no clue what the real world is like”. Right. By the way, not only is this lack of gratitude, I hear a little shoulding going on there too. Implied shoulding, but shoulding nonetheless. I hear people saying, why does she get this, and he get that, and I just struggle all day and get no where. I have said it too…not any more though. Next time you feel like you are less than joyful, sit back and think about your blessings. Get out a pen and paper and start writing them down. I don’t know anyone who cant get to at least ten, and by the time you have listed ten things you are thankful for, you are feeling pretty joyous! It takes all of three or four minutes, and it is a quick reminder or how blessed you really are. Gratitude is the best tool I know for genuine joy, and gratitude is something we can make a decision to tangibly reach out and grasp. And, when we give thanks, we give it to our creator. Which leads us to faith. You must have faith to have genuine happiness. Without faith, what do we have to hold to for hope? What do we have to be thankful for. Faith is a cornerstone of happiness. A basic foundational need. Faith teaches us to trust, and to see the beauty in things. It gives us a reason to keep improving upon ourselves and it gets us through the most difficult of times.

I have spent the last few days reflecting on those lessons, in my quest for happiness. I found happiness, peace, calm, and faith, all in one big swift move. I have restless days, but I turn to my good Father and know that it is only a chapter of patience or solitude or reflection that I am in, that it shall pass, and that I am not lost. I know that He has a plan for me, and that I am right where I am supposed to be. There is a tremendous amount of solace in that. I find peace in the gifts I have been given. They are quiet gifts. Not a big house, a fancy car, a big college education, but I was given such gifts as compassion, insight, the ability to communicate effectively, and the knowledge that through even the hardest times, I am not alone. I have a knack for understanding and taking positives out of the Bible that many lack. I have a gift of intuition and a deep sense of nurture. I have the gift of humanitarianism in me, and that is such a huge compliment from my dear Father. What He has given me is heavy. A responsibility to the underprivileged. What a huge compliment and so much obligation. I am humbled by the tasks He has appointed me. I feel blessed by the compliment that I get to help care for the less fortunate, and awed that He thinks so highly of me that He would deem me competent for such a huge task. Part of the key to happiness, is learning to see your misfortunes as tool sharpening devices.

I had a less than ideal childhood, as many would agree. It is what I did with that childhood that is a gift from God. I see so many people using their childhood to perpetuate cycles of abuse, misfortune, and sadness. I choose to take my misfortune, and turn it into a positive. A learning opportunity, and I dig as deep as I can till I find the bright side of it. For the longest time, my mom thought I was crazy when I told her, “if I wouldn’t have been molested, I probably wouldn’t be a write today, plus, it gives me compassion and understanding, and the tools I need to help understand the victimized women I will be working with” rather than wonder why God is not protecting me from satans ways, I wonder how God will use satans meddling to do good in my life. I do not blame the negatives in my life on God. I blame them on the meddlings of the evil one, but I know that God will get me through and make me a better person for it, and that is why He allows it to happen. All along, He knew the pain and heartache that I would endure, and all along the way, He carried me when it got to much, knowing, that one day, I would help people find the peace He offers. That I would be the one to offer tangible, physical comfort, to those in storm, in His name. Wow! the enormity of that overwhelms me. He gives me so much more credit than I give myself. I am thankful, for the blessings, trials, tribulations, and saving grace, in my life! Every situation offers an opportunity for growth, it is what you choose to do with it that will determine your happiness. Can you find the silver lining in the gray of the clouds? Can you find calm and peace in the storm. It is all so much simpler than words would make it sound, and yet, so incredibly difficult to put words on. On that note, remember, we are all just working with the tools we were given. Our foundations are full of shame and unmet needs somewhere along the line. We are all human, all subject to heartache, mistakes, and basic human error. If you give everyone that benefit of the doubt, you will come a long way in that quest for happiness. Until next time…God bless!

 

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Like nothing I have known

Well, I tell you what, a bulging disk is like no pain I have ever known. Two weeks into Physical Therapy, and I have a slight decrease in pain. I can even sit at the computer for a few minutes without too much pain, as ling as I use good pasture and don’t look down at the keyboard. Nothing like acute pain to make you appreciate health. I have been aching to write, or read, or do anything really, other than sit and try to get comfortable for a moment or two. I cannot wait until the day I can get through one half hour without thinking about pain, or squirming for comfort! I will celebrate that day. I cannot wait till the day I can get through a day without Lamaze breathing techniques to carry me through. I must admit, so far nothing has been more effective for pain management than breathing. I have to force myself to use great posture all the time, which is hard when I am in pain all the time, I just want my whole body to relax so badly. I am getting a massage on Monday, this time on the request of my physical therapist, through a good, reputable, source, and who is aware of the acuteness of my situation. I am really, really looking forward to that! I have redefined my pain scale, as I had no idea pain levels got this high before two weeks ago. My old ten is really an eight. I thought I had felt the worst pain of my life a few weeks ago when I got that horrible abscess in my tooth that spread to my ears and eyes, but no…that was not the worst pain ever. The problem is not even so much the pain, it is that there is NO RELIEF from it, ever. I have spent twenty hours a day in bed for the last two weeks, and I am slowly getting to a point where it feels better to be out of bed than in it. That feeling lasts for anywhere from half an hour to two hours, depending on what I am doing, but then I have to get back in bed or the pain gets to the point where it controls all of my thoughts again. I do feel as though I can finally see some of the positives that come from this situation, but I do not know how the good Lord thinks I can handle this much pain? I have begged Him, pleaded with Him, gotten down on my knees in tears (kinda, I cant really get on my knees), and urged Him to rest His healing touch on me…but to no avail. There must be more to learn from this. Nonetheless, I am feeling hopeful, as I have gotten the pain below a ten and into the single digits a few times the last couple days. I also miss my most positive outlook, as even through happy thoughts, the pain masks them as negative. It is just hard to express anything with a smile, no matter how happy I am about it, and that is hard on the spirit. I am a positive person. I look for the bright side of things, and let me tell you, there comes a point in this pain where I do not recognize myself at all. Pain brings me anger, impatience, intolerance, and general lack of compassion for others. Those are not normal attributes to my personality. As hard as it is to make myself do my Physical Therapy “exercises”, I always feel a little better after a good PT session. While it hurts to perform the tasks, I love the simple little bits of relief I have when I am done. While I struggle to remember posture, and I crave a good relaxed sit so badly, I always feel better when I am conscious of my posture through the day. Ice is good. It hurts more when I first apply it, but as it numbs it feels better, and the long term effects have become pretty obvious to me.

When I start to look at the positives, which was incredibly difficult to do at first, but is getting a little easier as the pain subsides some, I realize that there are several great things to come from this. Because of my own flat screen and chore restrictions when I was a child, those are two areas I really struggle to find balance with with my own child. This pain has not given me a choice, I have had to learn how to ask him to do things, and stick to my guns about it. It is also an opportunity for me to get a long term heal and fix to a problem that has been harassing me for almost 8 years. It will be necessary for me to have good spine health to run a ranch while my husband is on the road for work. I also recall going through a very strange phase of boredom. I don’t get bored. I stick to the old adage that  “only boring people get bored”…well, I learned better on that one. A couple weeks ago I had no desire to do any of the things that I love. I couldn’t find the drive to sew, bake, craft, read, write…none of it. I was just plain bored and uninterested. I had no desire or drive to do any of those things. I just wanted to pack all of my stuff in boxes with very clear labels. Sounds weird, I know. My office is too small to hold all of my craft and office supplies. I am sure it was a desire to control clutter. It occurs to me that the timing of this couldn’t be worse, it’s spring garden time, and if I don’t get my garden going, it won’t exist this Fall. It is not the kind of thing that can wait till I am better. What occurred to me is that my husband and I are planning to find a house this summer, and that maybe I am not supposed to put a ton of energy into a huge garden this year. Maybe I am not supposed to buy a bunch of new fruit trees and perennials. Maybe this is God’s way of protecting me from myself, who am I kidding, I already knew that, but not in this aspect. I assumed I was meant to rest. I am a strong advocate that when you get knocked down, it is because you need to rest and aren’t taking the initiative on your own. Why do I tell every lady I know to take it easy or she will get knocked into bedrest, and then ignore my own advice? I slept 20 hours a day for the first two weeks. It shocked me that I was able to sleep so many hours, but there came a point a few days ago where that changed. There came a point where it felt as good, or better, to be awake, than it did to be asleep. I am now slowly decreasing my sleep hours and increasing my functionality. Slowly. My big lesson this week was “Slow down mama”. Still two hours seems to be my awake limit, but now, instead of two hours awake and six asleep, I do two awake and three asleep. I will take it. It has to be an improvement, and I must admit, that now that I know what real boredom is…sitting and doing nothing, trying to ignore pain….well, I am all sorts of motivated to do all of the stuff I love! Maybe I just needed to catch up on sleep. My son’s sleep disorders take a huge toll on me, and really limit my sleep availability. I wonder if I needed to sleep to find that motivation, or if that motivation was lacking cause I was simply exhausted. Maybe I got that motivation back because I have had a lot of hours to lay in my bed and put it all in perspective. It is pretty hard to have a ton of motivation in my brain, but not in my body. My tolerance level is getting lower, an indication i have spent too much time on the computer, so ta ta for now, my friends, and hopefully I can bring you more cheer and bright side soon…until next time, many blessings!

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Gifts

Today I am thankful for..My life, and all of the ups and downs it took to get here. I am thankful for my special ability to see the good in the most negative of situations. I am oh, so grateful for a chance to do God’s work, and especially that He gave me special skills for helping, sick, wounded, scared, and needy. I am so thankful that he made my heart one that comforts and warms people.

Today, I am blowing kisses at the sky, because I cannot contain the love pouring out of me. I want to scoop up random strangers in the store and just hug them like I have known them my entire life. I have not been able to stop the slow trickle of happy tears at any point today, and I feel silly, but how else do I get this overwhelming abundance of love and joy out?

I sit back and take a look at who my clients are, and it is clear how he equipped me to help each and every one of them in a special and individual way, and then it occurs to me how blessed I am to even have clients. I have no formal education…just the education that life has to offer, but it clearly is a valuable education, because I am now making a difference in so many people’s lives. This week, He showed me how equipped I am for the job. I am ready to move forward, and on the hunt for a new house. One that will accommodate the beginnings of the Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. I am thrilled at the notion of starting up the foster and resource counseling programs.

My week started out slow, boring even. On Tuesday morning, I had a clear schedule for the week, and but lunchtime Tuesday, my entire week had been booked solid with plans, commitments, and people in need. I found myself calmly rolling with the punches one after another, non-stop. At some point after an incident with four boys under the age of 14 in my home, three of whom are diagnosed with AHDH, well…you can imagine. Anyway, I walked away from the situation calmly. I never raised my voice and was able to quickly submit all four boys to calm, acceptable, indoor behavior, through rational discussion. It was wonderful. I was slightly dazed as I walked out of the room, wondering when and where I perfected that skill? At what point did I abandon my irrational, enter scene and take control through power and volume, and learn to calmly dissolve an elevated situation? I know it happened some time in the last fifteen years. So, situation after situation presented itself, and I realized that I have somehow, somewhere, learned how to handle a series of situations, calmly and rationally, and even overflow that feeling, to those around me. I am thankful for THAT! I am thankful that I have learned to recognize when I am getting overwhelmed and let my family and friends know I am going to take a day or two to recoup. I am thankful that I have acquired enough clients that I feel as though I have outgrown my home. When did that happen? I am thankful for the wisdom to see that this is not about money, but about what I have been training for my whole life, raising up strong, healthy, community members, and the ability to translate that to mothers who feel guilty because they cannot pay. Sure I take cases of peaches as payment too, but if you can’t pay, you can’t pay. That doesn’t mean that I am not supposed to do the work. I am so incredibly flattered, that I was chosen to make a difference in so many people’s lives. I feel as though I have been in training my whole life, have barely begun my work, and have already made a difference for so many people, I can only imagine what my lifetime will bring. Oh, I am so excited about this next chapter or my life.

I am thankful for the diverse friends I am being introduced to, and the unique perspectives of some really good folks. I am thankful for the realization that I can, and should, go out to lunch with my good friend, without feeling guilt about spending money on something that is a “want” rather than a “need”. It truly is a need, the fellowship and discussion. It lifts me up and gives me one more chance to glorify Him. In my search for a home to continue Rescue Ranch work in, I came across one that seems appropriate, realistic. I am confused by it’s location, but I have had several thoughts about that, and maybe it is, maybe it’s not, but I won’t find out if I don’t pursue it. Tonight, I write the email that starts the ball rolling, and I watch closely, for signs of His intentions.

I am thankful for my family. My husband…how lucky can a gal get to find a man who supports her taking in a host of sick, needy, hurt, and abandoned creatures of various sizes, shapes, and species. It really is a lot of work and a heavy burden to put on someone who does not feel passionately about the situations. I am lucky, oh so lucky, to have a husband who supports me, in my desire to change the world, one broken piece at a time. I am thankful for his new opportunities, and the doors which they have opened for us as a family, and as individuals. I am thankful that they bring him peace. I am thankful for my son. My very well adjusted, Aspergers boy. I feel so blessed and lucky to have been given the gift of raising this incredibly gifted and loving child. I am thankful that he is exactly who he is. I will take the struggles that we face, over the pressures of drugs and alcohol, and other teen behavioral issues, any day. I feel thankful that we were able to embrace our diagnosis and take the opportunity to educate others about the joys of Autism, rather than be ashamed and feel that something is wrong with us. I am especially overjoyed that my son has the perspective of “teach don’t hide” the special needs.

Today I feel called, to calmly lead people who have never known safety or trust, to a safe and trusting place, and that, my friends, is the best blessing of all!

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Adjusting…or loss and growth

Well, I never imagined I would have so much time on my hands without my husband here. I have been such a lazy bum the last few days. I feel no pressure to get anything done (this is NOT a good thing), and I feel like I am walking around in a daze. I have spent some time reflecting on my loneliness the last day or two. I am happy, content, not feeling like I need to ‘hang’ with anyone. I am enjoying loneliness very much. I didn’t even know that you could enjoy loneliness, but I am. I have had a ton of health problems the last few years, and someone recently said to me that I needed a rest. Not the kind of rest you need when you are sick, but the rejuvenating rest you get on vacation. I spent some time thinking on that, and realized that I don’t think I have ever had that. It occurred to me that you all may hear a lot from me, with my husband gone, and it looks like I am finding truth in that thought. I spent a minute today thinking about my desire to chat it up, with a gal who understands me. They are all gone…kind of. In order to deliver today’s thoughts, I have to give a LOT of background on myself, so please bear with me as I explore things I have left alone for years. First, let me explain in very simple terms, I am not one to cry at good-byes. Don’t get me wrong, I cry. I cry when I need to. I am a highly sensitive person. I have been meaning to make a tab on my blog for Highly Sensitive Personalities for a long time now. It is a real condition, it does exist, and there are a lot of people who possess highly sensitive personalities. Beautiful things hit me in the chest like a ton of bricks, as do terrible things. Look at the humanitarians in your life. It is very likely that at least some of them are HSP’s. If you are reading my blog, and interested in what I have to say, you may be an HSP. I think it is a privilege and a gift from God. But, back to my point about crying at good-byes. I am not sure if it has to do with the overwhelming amount of death in my childhood, or with faith, or just simply that I did a lot of the leaving, but whatever it is, it works for me. It started when I was seven, the death rate in my life. I am so thankful that God gave me the tools that He did, and I imagine he did that because only He could know I would need them. Remember that I consider myself blessed to be able to take positives away from a situation. I believe that is the tool that got me through my childhood. Looking back, it was the only chance I had at survival. I realize now, that He prepared me for everything I needed to get here, and spend the rest of my life glorifying Him. What else could a woman ask for? So, a brief history of my childhood. I had a hard time, but I was convinced that so many people had it so much worse. That was my mantra, my go to phrase, and my get me through it. It could be worse…

I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a family that loved me, and food in my mouth. I thought my needs were met. Little did I know, you also need validation, trust, a safe place, parents who will stand up for you, respect, and the chance to be a child. As an adult, I have become thoroughly educated on the finer needs in life, and I spend my days passionately trying to validate other people, help them see their shame platforms, and help them realize that they were created perfectly by God, and to believe otherwise is a great insult to Him. To let other people tell them otherwise is an injustice to the self. That is where my joy comes from. The Bible tells me that the only one I have to please is God. There is a level of safety in that, that I just cannot put into words. But, I digress. I never imagined I would have a passion for PTSD in children, but looking back, it is clear God prepared me to help a lot of people with that one. I have even been asked to write a book about it by my sons therapist! Talk about flattering, if you can use that word to describe God’s work through a person. He trusts me with the little ones. That nearly brings me to tears! When I look at my life, I realize that He trusts me with the damaged, the weak, the injured, the sick, and the just plain needy. I am so blessed! He directed my life to a place where I would be in a position to do the work that really matters. He gave me the responsibility of understanding compassion, validation, trust, faith…all of the skills necessary to save the lost. I didn’t even realize it was happening till it was here. I always said He had great plans for me, because there was no other reason for me to go through all of these trials, tribulations, learning situations and so much misery if not. But I did not realize I had arrived until I was standing in the middle of it! What a beautiful realization! The PTSD in my life starts young, as an infant. My parents both had their own shame platforms, and drugs and excessive alcohol were most certainly the influencing factor in my early years. I lost my father to drunk driving when I was seven. I think that is the day I knew God, but it was not until much later that I admitted it to myself. God protected me from even that event. I was at my grandmothers house when it happened. She was the ONLY Christian in my life. My grandmother was Catholic, and despite my misgivings about some Catholic “laws”, she was a true and devout Christian. I cannot thank her enough for that now! My would be step-father moved in when my dad had been gone two weeks. I was yanked away from my biological family to another state far away, with no explanation. By the third grade I had attended six schools. From that point on, I had experience after experience with death. My very first grade school boyfriend was shot in a gang war (and we didn’t even have ghettos or gangsters where we lived. It was a quaint little midwest town, even rated #1 while I lived there). Another friend has a brain aneurism from a drug overdose, gramma and grampa, great aunt and uncle. I watched them pass one at a time. Soon I learned that death was inevitable, a fact of life. By the time my very best friend in the whole world died of cancer, I was praying for God to take her. She was an angel, too good for this word anyway, and she did not deserve the suffering! I was so incredibly relieved when she passed, and this is when I knew I had fully accepted death! I have quite the gang of angels, let me tell you! I still cry cause I miss her…It took me years. I didn’t cry because she had passed, but I would love her to meet my son, and my dad too. I cry occasionally for my own selfish reasons…but I am glad they are in a better place. Oh boy, it is going to take a long time to get through this, I keep getting distracted.

When I was twenty six, I went to my first wedding. I realized that I had been to more funerals than I could count on all of my toes and fingers, but this was my first wedding. I felt a bit gypped that day! I remember my pity party quite clearly. I am an expert in saying good-bye. We moved to that far away state, and I was pretty much prohibited from talking about my daddy I had lost, or any of his family members. I had nine aunties and uncles, most of them I was very close to, all gone in one swift move. Trust me, as an adult, I had a  lot of anger and resentment to work through, especially for my mother and step father. I grew up with an abusive step father and an alcoholic mother. The only thing my step dad didn’t do was hit me. Verbally, and sexually, he abused me repeatedly. I was a grade A student, never skipped a day of school in my life, till I was seventeen, when I realized I had been going about it all wrong. All I wanted was to hear my mom and dad say they were proud of me. I did everything I could to please them. I never heard those words. I heard about how I was going to be a drug addict, barefoot and pregnant, waste of life. I heard about how bad I was all the time. He even made fists and told me it was my fault he started smoking again. Thankfully, I was smart…I didn’t lose that. I told him that he was an adult and I didn’t make him do anything! I dared him to punch me. It would have been a way to get him in prison without shaming my family with the sexual abuse. If I could take sexual abuse and verbal abuse every day for eleven years, then I could certainly take a punch! I told my mom when I was seventeen, like most mothers, she chose not to protect me. We have since mended most of those broken fence posts, although there may be one or two remaining. I am not sure. I guess I have mended those, she just started therapy, so she has some mending to do and I imagine with that will come a conversation or two that is healing for me. I had a very strict schedule, and was very limited in activities outside the home. I understand now it was a control issue on his part, and a money issue on my mom’s part, but at the time, I just thought they didn’t like me. This is when I started journaling. I am thankful for the tool of words! We got through the drama of all of that, all the while, I went through life with the nickname SMILEY. I always had a smile on my face, never cried. The more I hurt, the bigger I smiled. When I was nineteen, I ran away to another state far away with a good friend. That is where I started over. That is when my life began! I wonder if she has any idea the role she had in saving my life. I guess I had better tell her! I realized I had not cried…ever. I could not remember my last tear shed. I started crying, and I could not hold it back. I have never stopped. I searched and searched for answers to my heartache for years. I was a social butterfly, which is the whole entire point of this post. I had a ton of friends, everywhere I went. I fit into every social category, and was rarely not included in an activity. I spent years chasing fun, afraid to miss out on something, but I was depressed, and bi-polar as all get out. I later learned that the birth control I went on when I was nineteen had a HUGE role in the bi-polar tendencies, meanwhile, it really aggravated the situation! If you have bi-polar, and are on a hormonal birth control, get off, right away! The tri-cyclic hormones mimic the bi-polar cycle. You will find a huge change in your ability to control emotions. I also had the dumb luck to see a therapist, in my ten years of therapy with various individuals, who in a very short time, taught me three tools to happiness, and they work. I will go into more detail another time, but they including “shoulding all over myself and other people”, learning that five bad minutes only wrecks five minutes of my day, not the whole day, and walking to stimulate the amygdala when I am upset…to get the living hormones going and the fight or flight ones to stop. It is not healthy to live in a constant state of fight or flight, you have to physically get yourself out of that place, and hard walking does it. It was my sons therapist who really changed my life for the long haul. She taught me how I should be treated, what co-dependency is, what I have to tolerate from people, and what I don’t have to tolerate. I must have been a good student, because not only did she ask me to write a book, I am now being represented under her license to work with traumatized kids that she refers to me. That is huge growth. I went from thinking I was not good enough to deserve the basic right of respect, even though all i did was try to be good enough. I broke myself trying to be good enough. I spent years in rebellion, when I realized my parents didn’t want me to be good enough. When I realized I was going abou tit all wrong, what I cam e to was that my parents told me every day I was a loser. They didn’t want to be proud of me, they wanted a drug addict, trailer trash, drop out…so fine, that is what I would give them. I abandoned my education in my senior year, started skipping school, doing drugs, and having sex. If there was a way to rebel I would find it. I had, after all, finally figured out how to make my parents proud of me! Or so I thought. Thus began a downward spiral in my life. One that led to rock bottom, and ultimately, to Jesus. I dug that hole for years, and years, and years. I just kept going deeper, never finding the treasure at the bottom of that hole. I became a single parent. I never really understood it until a good Christian put it in perspective for me.

I tried my hand at college, but not understanding that my child had special needs, I thought I was a terrible parent. I could not keep a job or get to class. I was a straight a student when I made it, but it was just too much for me. I wondered how other mommies did it. I just couldn’t understand how I could be this smart and still fail time and time again, until the therapist put my son in perspective for me. We got some testing and diagnosing done. I had always known there was a creator, but I refused to call it God, because of the social stigma related with that name, and the only influence I had was at a prominent catholic church. I refused to believe God would not love me because I wore jeans or patent leather shoes. I denied Him for years. I also refused to go to a church for help because I felt that it would be sacrilegious to take help from a church while denying God. One day I got so low, I had no choice. I attended the church I planned to call two Sunday’s in a row, decided I could appreciate this new take on God, and called them for help. They opened their arms to me, and really helped me out. I sat down after that first meeting, with tears streaming down my face, at the end of my bed. I put my arms up in the air, and said “that’s it God, I cannot do this by myself anymore. I am giving it to you”. Wow! I cannot even express the way my heart opened up that day. I can’t explain the change that took place in me. My life has blossomed since that day, and I owe it all to one man, who opened my heart to the idea that God could save me. When I dropped out of school, I got a job on a ranch. I met the most amazing Christian I have ever known that day. He didn’t judge me, he talked to me. He heard my story and told me his perspective without judgement. When I told him that I wondered what on earth made me think I wanted to be a single mom, he said, well look what the men in your life have done to you. I know why you chose that path. I guess you don’t know yet, that at 22 I decided I wanted a baby, and the way the world was going, it was easier to be a single mom anyway, and I didn’t want a dad in my child’s life. I even told three people I felt that way, and every single one of them supported me. Even I could see I was trying to find someone to tell me not to do it, but they all supported me wholeheartedly. What in the world…? so, I got rid of my very awesome and respectful boyfriend, and got me a loser! Unfortunately, he stuck around, and that led to my child having to be exposed to such things as meth and violence in his fathers home. I have to just tell myself that God has a plan for him, just like I did when I was going through my own childhood hell. The fact that this eighty year old devout Christian could love and respect me, and even understand and tell me why I did what I did, made me realize there might be something to this Christianity thing. When he talked about the Bible, he talked about love, trust, forgiveness…not the horrible things people try to use to condemn the Bible. I have since learned how to understand some of those horrible things, and they are often taken greatly out of context, in my humble opinion. I am thankful for eyes that read the Bible an translate it to interpret love. I suppose I ought to get to the point one of these days.

When I first found my son’s therapist, she taught me a lot of the very same things I learned as a dog handler with stressed out dogs. It is pretty amazing how child rearing and healthy household dynamics are much like healthy dog packs. I think dogs have the heart of Jesus. They love unconditionally, punish swiftly and get on with it. They forgive quickly, and they forgive everything. They don’t turn their backs on you. Dogs…Jesus, just think about it. So, much in common that I think God gave us dogs as an every day reminder of TRUE, UNCONDITIONAL love.I use my dogs, when I work with problem dogs, to train said dog, while I train the handler (that is the trick to good dog handling and good child rearing, train the handler). This week, that same therapist made a comment about how good my Aspergers son is a t socializing other Aspergers children, and she is sending us another client for him to socialize. Like I said, just like dog handling. I use my mutts in my training. I never imagined my son would be such an important part of parent training!

When I decided to grab the codependency bull by the horns and reign him into submission, I had to drastically change my habits…finally getting to the point. This was the hardest part of my recovery. I had to quit going to the bar (I went to the bar to be sober and drive people home at the end of the night, how bad could that be for me?) Right, I didn’t drink, so it wasn’t that. I was afraid to miss something. I sobbed and sobbed about how these people were my friends if I came to the bar, but they wouldn’t come to me in my house when I was home with my child. I went when he was with his dad. As a matter of fact, most of them have had nothing or little to do with me since I stopped going to the bar, and I guess I have learned to balance and accept that, and have even come to a place where I want nothing to do with people who only want to hang out at the bar. It is the best feeling. When I told the therapist through tears that I was a social butterfly and I didn’t know how to live without out all of these people in my life, she put my reclusive nature into perspective for me in a big way.  She told me it was coping mechanism. I went back to the bar one day for a special thing that one of my friends was doing, and I can say, that even though I did not have one drink, I felt truly hung over the next day, and I understood what the bar was doing to me. Especially as a sensitive person, I was absorbing all of that terrible energy. I avoid the bar at all costs now. I don’t want to feel that way again. I had been using social time to survive all these years. I had become dependent on other people needing me. Oh dear! This is not healthy. I realized that in high school, I was up and out of the house and at school with a smile on my face every day. I realized school was much better than home, and I loved it, and all of the nice people there. No one insulted me, touched me, abused me, violated me. School was my safe place. To think I almost threw it all away in my senior year. I am so glad I made it through that very tough time

Today, my friends get upset with me because I won’t come to them. I won’t go to the bar and to their parties. They do not understand what I have learned. They think there is something wrong with me, or I am depressed or something. I am the happiest I have ever been. I blow it off, because it is not them I aim to please. The ones who get it, come to me or hang out with me in their houses or at the park, or in the woods. I am no longer stressed over friendships lost because I don’t go to the bar. So, people come, and people go. I am happy with my solitude. Today I find myself lonely. In a good way, mostly. I used to have a lot of friends, but I have since scaled down my social connections. I have a few good friends, whom I can count on when I need them and not just when they need me. I don’t struggle with good-byes. I know if they are worth being sad over, I will see them again. My bestest friend in the whole world is fighting cancer with her daughter. They are far away an another state with a good children’s hospital. She gets me to the core. She never judges, and is just plain awesome anytime. I miss her so much. In the last six months, all three of my other close girlfriends have moved out of state. I did not struggle with a single one of them leaving, but as a whole, I feel like the people who most understand me are all very far away, and I am very lonely to just talk life through. I have had a ton of goings on in my life, and now even my husband is far away. I enjoy loneliness, but I fear that I will talk the ears off of almost any adult at this time (or reader of my blog, lol). I am word girl. I talk, I write, I sing. Words are what I do. I love comfortable silence, and I am enjoying my loneliness, but I really do need some good woman time with my dearest friend. I guess I feel like I have stuff too, but everyone else has more important stuff, and I sit quietly, waiting for my turn to have worries to share, and wondering if I will even be able to remember them all by the time I can share them with someone. I am feeling a little trapped in my brain with health concerns for myself, and who do I share them with? I am feeling excited about how close I am to Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch, and who do I share that with? I am excited about my Bible Study on James…I want to talk to someone on a peer level about it. But who? I want to have someone’s ideas about things I am processing through, but who do I bounce them off of?  I have behaved for the last three days, as if this is that vacation that my friend spoke of. I have spent three days doing very little but thinking and wishing that I had someone to bounce it all off of. Someone in particular, who gets it, and me. Who I don’t have to give a background to, or who won’t interrupt before the thought is through, to tell me how it will fail. I just want to spend a few minutes with someone I can let my guard down with. I want to tell someone I am worried about things. Instead, I smile and say “good”, when people ask how I am. It is true. I am good, and none of them are people I want to share the worries with. They are just the day to day worries of a woman, but as far as I can tell, we all need someone to share those worries with. I want to tell someone about my new progress on the rescue ranch without having to give them the whole danged background story first. I usually never get to the point anyway, cause I get distracted on the details. A lot of people have advice on it, and some have even taken my explanation as an invitation to start this ranch with me. Not that I  have ever given anyone that impression intentionally. I don’t believe in going into business with friends, and if God wants them there, He will put them there when the time is right. One person had the nerve to tell me she was going to start it and hand it over to me when I was ready and this is how it was going to run. She and I don’t really speak much any more. Holy cow, dear readers. I have been sitting here a while. I think I made it to my point inadvertently, and I have responsibilities, so I will have to be back later with more. If I try to proofread now, I will be here all day adding and rewording stuff, so bear with me if you get to editing errors before I do. At very least, you got to see what my brain does when I go too long without adult conversation. Have a nice night all, and I will elaborate more later… until then, God bless.

 

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Change

Ahhh change, and a little more sweet relief! My husband finds himself traveling for a period of time, and the guest on the couch has to go. It was already determined that he would leave before hubby did. It just didn’t feel ok to me, to have my husbands best friend sleep on the couch while he was away. It was a good thing anyway. He overstepped about a hundred boundaires while sleeping on our couch for the last month, but the last straw came this weekend when I got a homepage from my internet service provider reporting too much abuse coming from my IP address! Excuse me? How is that possible. Come to find out, that after being asked three times not to look at porn on our son’s computer, by both my husband, and me, he not only looked at some really nasty stuff…titles like sleazydates, but we got a virus. A BAD virus! Are you kidding me? We have been deep scanning my sons computer for two days. It takes twelve hours per round, and the virus attacked the antivirus software and opened up the camera. Oh you can bet I was livid. I was calm angry. At that place that comes after raging, shaking angry. Calm, quiet, ready to punch him in the face angry. I don’t hit. Never have, don’t plan to start now. Seeing white angry! You can bet when my husband looked at me speechless, overwhelmed, and not sure where to begin, I had plenty to say. When my friend started to talk, I told him he didn’t get to talk. We had talked to him about this three times. It was disrespectful to our home, and everyone in it. He not only had the nerve to access that stuff while my respite client was here, and five feet away on the couch, he also knew of the virus, shut down the computer, and went to bed without telling anyone. Oh livid! When I was done, I apologized to my husband and son for what they had heard, and how mean I had been, and my son actually told me he had never heard me be that mean before. I can promise you one thing, and one thing for sure…Messing with pornography and my son all in one motion will get you to my deepest rage. That is a promise. I am a kind, caring, nurturing, and compassionate person. I have even spent a moment or two dwelling that my friend is out there, alone. Not a friend in the world. Lost his wife, his house, his job, in one day, and only sees his child occasionally now. Our other good friends turned their backs on him. He is a good friend, he made a very rude and disrespectful mistake, but I do get where he is coming from, and it most certainly the sin that I hate here, not so much the sinner. Him, I am angry at. The fact that he is lost and wandering in a dark world is not surprising, as it seems the norm when I evaluate the behavior of myself and others coming out of a long term relationship. I am not saying everyone handles loss with porn, I am saying that every divorce or separation I have seen has come with some sort of rebellion and irrationality. That does not excuse his inappropriate behavior in my home, and he knows to stay away for a while.  I was mean, I was vicious mean. Part of me feels guilty, but most of me feels like “how dare he?” I sent him away with the knowledge that he would be replacing my sons computer very quickly if I did not get it fixed, and that I would be sure that happened. I explained to him exactly how angry I was when I could not get to my little friends cancer awareness page, and that he had lied to me over and over and over again. I can forgive almost anything, immediately, if you can be accountable and own it. Lying to me will get you anger, mistrust, and a cold shoulder. People often tell me how big my smile is. Sometimes I am forced to remind them that while my smile is my favorite facial outfit, the rest of my emotions are just as big! Few understand that until they push me too far or see someone else push me too far. I am not a spiteful or vengeful person, I am just patient. I take a lot of crap, but there is a line, and when you cross it, that’s too much crap. I get cold and rational….and smart. That crushing wit I talked about…it leads my conversations with or without my permission. My husband thinks its funny. I think I need to control it well, but I am pleased that I was able to get my point across yesterday, and quite frankly, on a human level, it just felt good to tell him how badly he treated us and to get the hell out of my house…now. I hate it when I enjoy making a grown man cry. Thank God it doesn’t happen often.

The world is in a smoother, more relaxed place now. Bad friend off the couch and outta my hair, hubby off on a far away job, computers both clear and free of viruses and other malware, and the house is in a state of peace and quiet. I have the parental setting set so high in my sons computer, there wasn’t one piece of infected file attached to his account. I had no idea parental controls worked so well. The settings that high also prevent him from operating the camera, and yet the camera was activated, so I think I am just going to put a piece of electrical tape over his camera. My father in law laughed at me, but I saw a tv special the other day on pedophiles, and how easy it is for them to turn on your child’s computer cam remotely, in seconds, without anyone knowing. That scares the daylights out of me. My child is a teenage Aspergers nerd (I say that with the most pride and affection you can imagine). It is just that he would rather play an engineering game than talk to people or look at girls online, but that doesn’t stop people from watching him, and I am NOT ok with that.

I am pretty lazy and unorganized today, but with the start of a new week, I am looking forward to what the days should bring. I anticipate getting some lists made, getting my house clean, getting some crafts done, and getting paperwork responsibilities managed. I think I will get a chance to pamper myself one or two times while he is gone, and I look forward to a quiet, relaxing, clean, home. I think it will take me a week to get to that place. I anticipate the following week to be productive as I work on focusing toward the future and some of the responsibilities that come with getting to a rescue ranch. I can turn the heat up a degree or two, without anyone caring, and I don’t have to worry about my hubby being sad when I don’t go to bed as early as he does. My son’s sleep disorders physically limit this behavior in our lives, and so far we have not been able to find a solution to the fact that he hates to go to sleep without me, but I have to stay up with the boy, and he needs more sleep than I do, so he can’t make it through the week if he sleeps on my schedule. It will be nice to not feel bad about that.

The grocery store near our house is remodeling, and there are so many great deals to be had. I look forward to grocery shopping this week. It seems like everything is on clearance, which is not true, but a ton of stuff is. I LOVE CLEARANCE! It could be a hoarder tendency I think…I am not a hoarder, but I could be with the right amount of space and money…kidding. I grew up without a lot of money, and then was the single mother of a special needs child for ten years. I have a tendency to want to buy things cheap, and when they are cheap, to stock up. I think it is more a survival instinct than a hoarder tendency, since I like it all to be neatly organized and in its place with labels and dates.

I just remember the relief, when I was supporting two on less than four hundred dollars a month, when there was a spare shampoo under the sink for days when I had three dollars to my name. Speaking of that time in my life…if you are having trouble handling your finances, may I suggest Financial Peace University. Dave Ramsey. The man is a genius. I was able to support two people on under four hundred dollars a month, without accruing any new debt, for almost a year. My church paid for the class and materials for me, and I went. It was amazing. Nothing like I imagined it would be. He didn’t tell me I had to quit doing anything, he didn’t set strict rules I couldn’t will myself to observe. He taught me to make common sense changes in my life, in a Biblical way. I will go again and again to the classes (they are free once you have taken it once), and I would recommend, and will purchase the class for people in my future. I have already bought it for one person…my friend whose world was upside down. he didn’t make it through, but maybe when he gets back on his feet he will try again. I will offer these classes to the community when I start my rescue ranch. I feel strongly that the simple skills outlined in those classes can turn anyone’s life around.

Dinner is made and the dishes are done. Son is relaxing for a few minutes before he has to get in the shower and get ready for school tomorrow. Mutts are pottied and quietly snoozing. I have not bothered to turn on the tv today, but maybe I will do that in a little bit for some quiet background noise. I even got some food processed today that was not going to make it any longer in my fridge if I didn’t do something about it. I have roasted a turkey and a chicken in the last three days. That is a lot of white meat in my freezer. I got the clever idea to grind some up for chicken salad before I froze it, so all I have to do is thaw and add condiments when son wants chicken salad for a snack. Here is hoping it works. I tried to press as much of the air out of it as I could. I look forward to a lovely, quiet evening of list making and regrouping myself for my week that starts tomorrow. I love regrouping on Sunday night. A fresh start first thing in the morning is awesome. Especially on Monday morning.On that note, I believe I will go start my nighttime routine. You kids have a lovely day! God bless!

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Ahhh…sweet relief!

Relief…where do I begin? I woke up this morning, in a strange town, in a strange bed, with pillows taking the place of my husband. Thankfully, I felt well enough to go on my adventure, but today was the first day I had no pain and swelling was minimal. I am blatantly aware of little blessings today, and the relief that they bring. It was a HUGE relief to wake up this morning with no pain and minimal swelling in my face! Yay for eating what I wanted to today! It was nice to not be constantly bothered by the throbbing in my face!

Our drive was uneventful and nice. We made it to our destination in great time, and had a lovely time. My roomie was a great person to “bunk” with, and it was all around pleasurable. Our day was a smashing success, despite little challenges all day long, and we managed to spay and neuter over a hundred and twenty animals. I would say that most certainly falls into the relief category! The clients were awesome today, no impatient pet parents trying to tug their still anesthetized dogs off the floor in an effort to unsuccessfully convince me that they are ready to go home. I LOVE patient pet people!

As concerned as I am about the lack of precipitation this winter, it snowed today. Quite a bit. We got so many phone calls and text messages telling us that is was nasty out, and the roads were twenty five mile an hour road conditions all the way home. They were a little disturbing. Go figure, it waits till I am out of town to snow a bunch, and now I have to drive back in a seventy something van that really needs to be replaced, and being a non-profit, we just don’t have the money, so we drive it till it dies…hopefully not in a snowstorm! One of these days, maybe we will be blessed with a donor…for now, we just keep praying we make it to the next event, and home! So, we drearily heave our exhausted bodies into this van, unenthusiastic about the dreaded drive home through the treacherous storm. It’s gonna be a long night! We have what should be a three and half hour drive ahead of us, but through weather predictions, and in this ragged old beast of a van, we are looking at a six or seven hour night, minimum! Oh my! Imagine our relief when we found the roads to be dry and clear all the way home! Twenty three miles out, we had to get off the interstate, and drive local roads…at which point the concern became apparent. There must have been an inch of ice under that snow! Still, we are tired, cold, hungry, and still have to drop off the van at the storage unit, pick up coordinators car, drive to her house, start my car, scrape my windows, wait for it to warm up, and drive another fifteen miles on those icy roads to get to the comfort of my home.

Ahhh…familiar roads. I could drive them blindfolded…such a relief! The light pollution reflecting off the newly fallen snow, was just enough to highlight the range that reminds me I am home, and at this point all I can think about is greeting my husband in a few short minutes, and kissing my boy goodnight. I spend the next half hour winding my way through the frozen streets, slipping and sliding through every take off from stop. These roads are awful! Thank God I have my family, and wonderful pets to daydream about, while my eyes are riveted on every little obstacle on the road between them and I. The only thing that matters is that I get to them, and it is relieving to know that they are only moments away!

Now you must know that the sweet relief of pulling into my driveway was so overwhelming that I had my door open, and was stepping out of the car, before I realized that I needed to gather my belongings, and shut off the car. I pulled my foot back in, gathered my things all up in one big armed trip, and trudged my way through the snow to my freshly shoveled sidewalk. I entered my home to find a pack of mutts so excited to see me that I could not find a place to set my bags. My husband could not get near me. That statement is not fair, unless you know that I have well mannered dogs, who know that I am going to take my jacket off and put my keys, purse, mail, and whatever else I may be carrying, down before they get attention. While they may follow me around the house until they get my attention, the rarely get in my space before I have room for them. You must also realize, that while they most certainly recognize my husband as the dominant male in the house, I am the dog handler, and the one whom they are with all day every day. It was me who trained them, and it is primarily me who potties, feeds, and exercises them. I am their pack alpha, and I left them for almost a full 36 hours. I swear they thought I was never coming back! Even my two cats are willing to sleep snuggled up in the same vicinity as the mutts in an effort to grab a miniscule piece of my attention. All I want to do is kiss my husband and get out of those snowy wet clothes. Hours later, I am still chilled to the bone, and I am about to revisit that hot cocoa craze I have been in. The guys did not destroy my house (they didn’t do dishes either, but who cares, I am just happy to have them), I got my kiss, got out of those snowy, wet and cold jeans, and into something much more cozy and comfortable, got another kiss from my hubby, and went to find my boy for a goodnight kiss too… Until tonight, I am not sure I realized how much I appreciate a kiss from the ones whom I truly deeply love.

Pets sufficiently appeased…for the most part, hubby off to work now, which is ok. The cold is outside, and I am in. All is well. I am going to snuggle down into my cozy warm bed, thank God for the wonderful outpouring of relief on my day, and sink into the sweetest relief of all…pure, delightful, in my own bed, with my own pillows, best kind of restful, oblivious sleep.  Sweet dreams, my friends, and may you all enjoy the kind of deep slumber that I anticipate for myself on this ever so blessed evening.

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Pen to paper

Today I just have a desire to write. Nothing in particular, and a whole lot of everything on my mind. I have found my brain to be full of fleeting thoughts today. The latest being my resume. I was thinking about qualifications I might possess. It just went in and out, but was a moment of passing moments. Times and things I have done to gain the experiences necessary to Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. I feel inclined to write a timeline, or a resume that details my preparedness for Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. This is something I need to do for me, I think, so that perhaps I can see more clearly what I should be focusing on. I want to ponder on Bible study tonight, and the upcoming weeks in my life. I want to reflect and wander through my brain. I am tired, but not too tired to think. I want to process through the shock that I feel after the benefit, and the shock waves bouncing in the aftermath…beautiful shock waves of support pouring in, as a result of news coverage of the event. I want to ponder on my husbands possible opportunity, and I am desperate for some crafting time, but I have to clean first, as chores were desperately neglected last week while I was busy preparing for my event. All sorts of fleeting thoughts, but I got stuck on the timeline thought. I feel a compulsion to sit down with a pad of paper, and outline how my life has prepared me for Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. I feel compelled to detail my childhood and my teen years, as well as my education, parenting background, humanitarian background, and non-profit and ranch work. Somehow, I think this is supposed to give me some perspective. i am not sure what yet, but I will let you know when I figure it out. For now, I am going to do that. Nitey night all…