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Rested and recovered

Ahhh…much better. I spent most of yesterday and even part of today laying around or sleeping. I feel pretty rested, but also overwhelmed. I feel somewhat restless, but don’t seem to have any focus. Most of today is a blur, but I did stay productive for a good portion of it. I am feeling pretty desperate for some kind of direction, and I don’t know where to focus. My spay/neuter coordinator called me today to tell me she wants to do a fundraiser to try to get a new van for the spay/neuter task force. I told her we just had to pick something and do it. I also started a cookbook project with my little friends dad, both to raise money for her medical costs, and to raise cancer awareness. We are going to make a cancer fighting recipes cookbook in honor of my friend. I never imagined I would be so involved with cancer awareness, but it seems as though that is going to become a big part of my life for the rest of my life. It seems completely feasible that Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch could easily add a couple of annual cancer awareness fundraisers. Two a year would be pretty awesome. Heck, one a year would be great. Especially if the ranch I envision purchasing is in the plan. I don’t know if it is or not, but I just keep thinking it would be perfect. I wonder if I can sell my crafts successfully. I guess I need to get time to finish making them first. I have a feeling that things are going to get less productive before they get more productive. I think the benefit was refreshing, but I also feel more confused than ever. I have so many things I want to focus on. I want to tell people what a Highly sensitive person is. I want to educate people about food and health. I want to educate people about PTSD and Shame. I want to tell people about God’s wonder and awesomeness! I want to daydream about my future, and I want to work toward it too.. I feel a bit stuck in that regard. I don’t know how to move forward form where I stand. I had a hugely successful evening on Saturday, but now what. I am doing a bunch of great stuff for my little friend, and I know that a side effect of that is that it gives me skills and connections that will be highly beneficial for me at the rescue ranch, but none of it helps me to move forward in securing a piece of land, and getting a ranch established, so that leaves me wondering what I am missing. I have a myriad of things I want to do, I need to do, and I have to do…and yet, I can’t figure out what is most important to focus on, plus, I feel like my world that was slightly upside down, is about to be pure chaos. I am a highly senstive person. I need down time. I already feel the stress of lack of space where I can get the peace and quiet “recoup” time that I so crave and require to function effectively. I feel energy pouring out the bottom of my feet in a way that only happens when I am really abundant in energy. Decompression is crucial, and if I don’t figure that out soon I will become pretty ineffective. At this moment I feel like I am walking around in a cloud of energy, and I am happy to say that it is energy soaked up at a very positive and love filled event, and so I am really kinda being carried by that energy. When that fades I am going to crash hard! I would like to be able to take preventative measures and prevent that from happening, but when I woke up today, I had nothing to do Wednesday through Saturday, away from the home. By noon I was booked for Wed, Thurs, and Friday. Umm… That is going to hurt by next week, and I don’t foresee routine or the big change I am hoping for coming fast or without some big struggle… I am sure the abundance will play out in a positive way, but I am at a point where I am a little concerned about my mental health if I don’t get away from it all for a minute…or thirty. If you are curious about the highly sensitive personality, you can follow this link to learn more.  http://www.hsperson.com/ It also goes hand in hand with blood type diet, and that is another issue I would like to discuss here. I feel a need to prioritize all of my goals, dreams, and ambitions, so I can figure out how to move forward. My husband has come across an opportunity that could be outstanding, and answer a big question I had about what he would do on the rescue ranch. I can see how this opportunity could fit very well if it pans out for him. It could also mean a long wait. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do. I also feel a slight frustration with the foster care/respite care situation, because I don;t know how to do it in this house. I won’t be able to pass the inspection I need to get the licensing in this house, I don’t have the necessary extra bedroom, much less the right stuff, like fire extinguisher, and the means to lock up all meds. I don’t know exactly what to do about this, and I don’t know how to get the stuff done in our current situation. I feel that it is nearly impossible for me to get that certification in this house, and finding a way to move forward is key in that goal. It seems that the more I crave and strive for routine, the more monkey wrenches get thrown in my plan. It seems like when I had routine, I thought I was bored, and since life got a little more busy, I can’t get a minute of routine to save myself. I am desperate for so many things, and I have no idea which one to tackle first. I also want to spend some time on my organizing and cleaning projects, and some pamper time for me with all my lovely homemade bath and body products. How do I prioritize them all? Even when I make a schedule, I find a bunch of distractions take away form that. Maybe that is what this phase is about, learning how to move forward and minimize distractions. I am gonna chew on that for a while. Well, it’s late. I should get some rest. Big Tuesday tomorrow, and I have not even started my Bible Study homework yet. Home my little one sleeps tomorrow.  Well, beddy by time. Sweet dreams and God bless you all!

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How much is too much?

What to say or what not to say, that is the question I find myself looking at. I sit here in the quiet of my office, pondering over so many things. The fundraiser, my role in the home, outside of the home, in the church, and out of the church. I have a strong desire to write, but I want to write about raw things. Things I am not sure I can or should put out there for the world to read. Do I want to bear all on the internet, or do I want to close this computer up and find my journal, my good, safe paper journal. I want to do some reflecting. I want to sit down and write out my goals and priorities. I want to put in perspective where I have landed. I want to make a resume as if I am applying for a job as owner of my rescue ranch, what qualifies me, what takes away from that, and focus on what still needs to be done. I want to reflect on my Bible study, and many other aspects of my life as well. I want to reflect. I want hours and hours to just sit, and reflect. I have a now and a couple of thens I want to reflect on. Then past and then future. A good stint of quiet time with no distractions would be great. I have about a million things I want to ponder on. The Bible, Revelations in particular. It occurred to me that the book of James might be the secret to happiness in life. I decided if Bible study continues to go down that oh so painful road it has been down so many times, I am going to tell those ladies to stop it. It has been going on for too long now and they need someone to tell them how judgmental they are being. Quite frankly, it makes me question my peers and I don’t know how to express my frustration. These women are older than me, more mature Christians than me, and yet, somehow I think they really miss the mark or struggle to grasp the simplest concepts and I feel at a loss, and blessed at the same time. Concepts that seems so simple to me seem to be too much for some of these women, most of these women, to grasp, and it leaves me feeling lonely. I feel overlooked in my church, like I have put myself out there many times, and they just look at me like Yeah right? What could you have to offer. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I think it developed over time. I tried to become involved, and nobody really took me seriously. I don’t feel like my pastor or his wife takes me seriously, and I feel blown off by the three women I admired most. I don’t really know what to do about this, but it is the only church I have ever felt completely at home in, so for now, I keep going. I think if I am right, and this blessing is disguise is really what I think it could be, then maybe there is a different church in my near future anyway. I want to do a sit down write up about how my life has prepared me for RMRR, and how God showed me the dream I never knew I had, but that is for my private journal for now.

We finally got snow, and I am stuck on the garden. I can’t stop thinking about growing my own veggies and fruits. I want to plant a garden, and an orchard. I want to buy some bees and some chickens, and I want to be able to take care of my family with healthy food in times of need as well as times of abundance. I wonder if there will ever be times of abundance again…wait, I know we are in a time of abundance, really, and that we are ridiculously over consumptive. I was trying to make a point that those words won’t work for. I long for a routine that allows time every day for chores, crafts, cooking, gardening, sewing, and writing. Oh my, I have big dreams! I might have to do some of those things a couple of times a week rather than every day, to fit it all in. I also work outside the home, providing childcare, one day a week, and it seems to disrupt my whole week. For now, it is necessary, but I imagine that sooner or later we will move further out of town, and I will have to give it up anyway.

I want so badly for this to be it. My chance to move forward. I am not sure if it is, but I hope so. I am patient, and I can wait as long as I need to. As much pressure as I feel to get the ranch going, I know the Good Lord will put it in my hands when it is meant to be. I wonder alot about the “coincidences” surrounding my dreams, and past roles in this community. I can’t get to specific here, but a past connection seems perfect and I wonder if that is supposed to play a part in my attempt to move forward. I need to get a routine established. Get on top of paperwork and other responsibilities. Well, it is time for me to be off to put my young one to bed, so I suppose that is all the rambling you have to endure for tonight. Have a blessed night my friends.

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SNOW!

Finally! Snow! At least I think that is what the white stuff coming out of the sky is, and it is supposed to snow all week! Oh thank the Heavens! It has been way too long! I saw on the news last week that we are 80 percent below normal snowpack halfway through the snowfall season. Oh dear Lord, please protect us this summer! I am so worried about the lack of moisture. I remember the red skies and smoke filled mornings of fire seasons gone past, and dread what may be in store for us. The haze that hangs over the mountains, the orange flickers of flame shooting up from behind the peaks, and I worry that this may be by far the worst fire season I have yet to see. I heard a rumor that the last time it was this dry for the winter, Yellowstone burned. That would have been 1988 I think. I am nervous. Very very nervous, about what this spring and summer will bring us. I am afraid crops will be unable to grow for lack of runoff, and I am afraid there will be an overpopulation of animals that would have other gone to natural selection in the harsh elements this winter has yet to see. I am afraid that Yellowstone, or some other wonderful forest, maybe in my very backyard, will burn out of control, and we will endure another season of hazy red skies and the stench of woodsmoke everywhere you go. Don’t get me wrong, I love the smell of woodsmoke, but when it is consuming the very world around you, it gets a bitter smell about it that you can’t quite explain. I imagine it is the smell of green material burning. It hurts your lungs and plugs up your nose. It means you have to brush the ashes off your car before you can go to work in the morning. It makes for beautiful sunsets and sunrises, but it is always in the air around you and there is no escaping it. Oh, I dread fire season.

The ashes will probably help keep my cabbage moths at bay, which is the problem pest I plan to conquer this year. I seem to figure out how to manage one real pest a year. It took me forever to figure out ants. They don’t cross cinnamon, so I put a bunch of cinnamon down in my garden one year. It worked like a champ, or so I thought. I had the best plump red top sticking up all covered in cinnamon powder. I pulled them up full of excitement and anticipation, only to discover that they had just gone under the cinnamon, and there were a hundred or more ants munchin on the radish I pulled up. OK, I declare war! I really don’t want to pour a bunch of harsh chemicals on my garden, or in my soil, so I tried every trick I could find. Vinegar and honey in a dish, dishsoap and such and such… and every other recipe I could find. Nothing worked! I finally broke down and hit the local home and garden store. I was lucky enough to find Grants Kills Ants there. They are ant stakes. They poison the ant by taking it back to the queen, They work. They also come under a different name, but that escapes me right now, but it is the packaging that the competitor uses and is almost identical to the Grants package. I don’t have to put any poisons on my crops or in my dirt. Just stick the little stakes in the ground all around my gardens. I swear by them and I always have plump juicy radishes now! I am now battling the mighty cabbage moth! I have been battling them for some time now, and they got ALL of my Brassica’s this year! Oh I was unhappy about that! I have tried netting the plants, I have tried spraying with onion and garlic infused water…that works for a few minutes, but it smells so bad, like someone bottled up some concentrates BO and you gotta spray it all over them things every day….if the wind is blowing you get the pleasure of smelling like you used cologne eau du armpit that day! It was not effective enough for the little buggers to go away and it was way more work than it was worth! I am on a mission. Another person told me to put ash on all my brassica’s. Well, I am still trying to figure out how to do that, and I assume it will be the same as the spray and need to be reapplied every day. I will get thee…you stubborn cabbage moths!

I am enjoying the snow today, what a cozy day to sit at my blog with a cup of coffee. I have a big list of chores and projects to do today, and after two days of catching up on sleep, I think I am finally ready to bust out that list. I got a few things done yesterday, but not near as much as I would have liked. The few things I did get done will make today’s portion of the chores go much faster though.

I finally sat down and got to work on my Bible Study Homework for the week. I have been a little behind in my daily life as I learn how to add managing a fundraiser to my responsibilities. I did half of my homework last night, and I hope to do the other half today. I just love how God works in my life, and how the Bible study I am in always seems so prevalent in my life at the moment. I am amazed at the way God can take a subject matter, and draw something so pertinent to each of us through each study. Omnipresent, no doubt! I could not have had a more pertinent time to be in this particular study, and so far I love the book of James. I find that in the very first verses, I am blessed with a natural ability to see joy in what appears to be hardship, as I watch the women around me discuss this and read the commentary that Beth makes, I cannot help but notice how incredibly lucky I am to have a natural grasp of this concept. I am a humanitarian by nature, and I look forward to this Bible Study as much as I looked for ward to the Revelations study. I have had so many prayers answered this week. I would not even know where to begin to sum it up, but I think every single personal prayer I have put out there has been blatantly answered with the exception of the one big one, and I have no doubt it is coming in due time. When God feels like I am ready, He will put me there, I am certain, and I have heard His promise. I can be patient, appreciate the blessings and answered prayers, and see how each of them is leading me to the big one. I love God. He is so good!Last week I was feeling stagnant, as though I was here, waiting for something to take me forward. This week I see that I was moving forward the whole time, I just had not come public about it yet. Today I realize that I have had lots of small opportunities this week to get me closer to that big goal, all of which I handled and didn’t even realize I was handling till yesterday. I realize that this benefit is a huge deal, and as much as I went into it for my good friend and her family, it is opening a door to something bigger for me, which I never, ever intended on or considered. It has confirmed for me, a natural leadership skill, and it has opened doors to all kinds of new relationships, many of which could directly affect the formation of RMRR. I have also discovered that I am good at keeping peace among a group of volunteers, and that I can effectively reassure an overwhelmed volunteer that it will be ok.

In the last few days, it seems like a forum has opened up. It seems that everywhere I go, and whatever I do, I get some kind of opportunity to share skills and knowledge that I have acquired. The very skills and knowledge I will be sharing at RMRR. I feel like this has been a huge blessing. I have been talking about the books I am working on with a variety of people, and I feel like I have been blessed to get to work with this community!

My house is manageable, and I even find time for crafting. I am heading a huge fundraiser that is coming together beautifully, and I have a great family. I am being given lots of resources to work with and I am enjoying my Bible Study, with a new Bible Study Buddy! Yay! It is finally snowing, and I am looking forward to what promises to be an adventure filled week! Thank you Lord, for my bounty!

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Blessings in disguise

It’s funny, how I get overwhelmed, and want to write. It’s how I keep the thoughts from spinning around and around in my head. When I write them down, I can forget them, at least temporarily as I can always look them back up if I need the information. I have found it to be a useful calming and organizing tool for my mental status. It has been an eventful new year, to say the least, and it is only the tenth day of this year. As you may or may not already know, I have spent a lot of time in the last several months contemplating and pondering upon the state of our nation, and the world in which we live today. It leaves me in a bleak place, and a hopeful place. It is undeniable that change is happening, and rapidly! I feel pressure to get RMRR established, and at first glance, it would seem that forces are working against me. I, however, am glowing with faith. I feel so content that despite whatever challenges may present themselves, The good Lord is with me and mine. It seems we have been presented a challenge. I can remember a time when I might have halfheartedly tried to tell myself I knew it would be OK, through tears of despair. Today I find myself in a place of devastation, a situation that should make me want to cry. Rather, I find myself with the desire to sing. To praise Him. I feel like I have a beam of warmth radiating from my chest I have so much peace about the situation and just complete confidence that everything happens as it is meant to. I feel like whatever the reason, there is a purpose behind this challenge. It’s the kind of challenge that most people would be devastated by, and yet, I am thrilled. I eagerly wait to see what door opens for us with this change! I am ready for whatever it may be. I know these things are never what you expect them to be, so I am prepared for anything, within reason. All I know is that it reminds me a lot of Pork. Its kinda stinky, and messy, and dirty…but dang! You just know there is something delicious on the inside. My husband and I made a new catch phrase today. Because bacon’s yummy! That is our reminder that just cause things look less than desirable, or smell less than desirable, dos not mean there is not something nourishing on the inside. Bacon’s yummy, and so is ham, and then there are pork chops…don’t get me started on all the goodness that can come out of that one stinky, messy, sty of a situation. So, our new catch phrase when a situation looks ugly…Bacon’s yummy! And what appears to be a tragedy, at first glance, is more likely a door opening to our future.

Today I went to a meeting as the organizer of a benefit event that we are having for my best friends daughter. She has a rare childhood cancer, with low survival odds, and its gonna be one heck of a shindig. I am pretty excited, but it leaves me thinking about things like my leadership skills. I feel compelled to just keep pressing forward on the Rescue Ranch. I feel as though I need to focus my efforts on one project at a time. One major project anyway. I have two books in the works, and a rescue ranch, not to mention getting my license for therapeutic foster care. I also feel compelled to reach out to other people who need help, with resource counseling for example. I found two jobs today, work from home, in my area, on craigslist. Both of which I am qualified for, and both of which have a pretty small niche for clientele, or prospective persons to fill the role. I find myself in a position of desire. I feel as though I have been prepared for leadership. I am excellent at delegating responsibility, and  doing so fairly. I have excellent speaking skills and aced the public speaking class in college. That is one many people struggle with, and I think I am meant to use that gift as well. So, I feel like a leader. I feel like I have much to offer to our community, to our church, and to God…and His work. I feel completely open to letting Him work in me, and I try to keep preconceived notions of where I am going in check, as I realize that is up to Him, not me. I am blessed with a special gift, in which I am instinctively able to give my trouble over to God the moment I realize a situation is beyond my control, and find peace in knowing He will take care of me, and in the hardest of those days, He will carry me. Today, I feel like I am a housewife and a mother, and what an awesome place to be. I also, however, wonder why I would be gifted all of these skills so clearly meant for humanitarian and Christian work, only to sit idle in my house, being a mommy and wife? That question, I am still waiting for an answer to.

I am struggling a tiny bit with a situation in which I feel almost completely alienated from my church, and very lonely among my church family, and yet, every time I turn around there seems to be a subtle reminder that I am not alone. I am able to rationally evaluate the situation, tell you exactly why I feel alienated, and understand that none of it is personal, and still, I feel lonely for that bond that I usually feel among those women. I feel as if I have a ton of skills to offer to our church’s bank of assets, and I have reached out to offer them many times, but I almost feel as if they don’t know me. I feel like the church is my home, but my family is preoccupied with their own stuff, and hasn’t noticed I am in the room. A series of small let downs led to a feeling of huge disappointment. I have no desire to seek another church, but I am not very comfortable in my own these days. Again, I feel as close to my Lord as I ever have, and how do you compare the way the peace that comes with God’s love feels to anything. I am in a strange balance of peace and disappointment. I am enjoying y James Bible study very much, but with the course of events this week, I am a little blurry on the material I have studied thus far. Good thing we have to re-copy the whole book by hand. I will get a lot that way. I enjoy the way Beth puts things in perspective. I feel as though it has been a week full of answered prayers, and one big tragedy that I am confident will be much less tragic than it looks. I find myself desperate for a discipleship mentee… That is odd because I consider myself to be a baby Christian myself. How on earth could I possibly be qualified to disciple someone else?  It is also funny because just earlier today, I was crying because the person who approached me and asked me if I wanted to take a discipleship class with her told me that she doesn’t have time to finish it with me. I think I am going to ask another woman I look up to. I really hope she says yes. I feel hungry to do God’s work, and I feel like I have opportunities all around me to help, and somehow, the elders of my church cannot find a niche for me. I feel confident that I could get on a stage and make a difference for someone. Maybe just one person, but it would be worth it to help one person open their heart. I have exceptional skills in raising special needs children, to the point that a random insurance company called me and begged me to get licensed because I apparently have a reputation and my “skills would be invaluable to this community”, but the people in my church seem to blow me off when I offer advice or help. I feel like they dismiss me because I am just a baby Christian, what could I know? I know that they don’t have it right all the time, and I know that my heart seems to instinctively grasp a lot of the concepts about spirituality that most people struggle to grasp. I have a lot of skills and knowledge, and I want to share it so badly…but how? I feel like many of my God given gifts are being wasted sitting stagnant in this house, and I am having trouble focusing on what I have to do hear because I am restless for a change. I am restless to meet the pressure I feel about the ranch, our families health and well being, the ability to grow healthy crops and healthy children. I feel as though I have grown a ton, and come a very long way in my current residence, but I have reached a level I never would have guessed attainable in my world. I have peace and contentment. I see my blessings, and am grateful beyond expression for them. I have managed the goals that this house presented for me and now I have hit a ceiling. I do not feel as though I can move forward in this particular situation. I feel restless and fidgety as I wonder what I am supposed to do next. I feel very alone as I wait, quietly sitting and wondering when, what, where, and how? I think this tragedy is meant to answer some of those questions, even if only on a temporary basis. I know one thing… change is here. I just don’t know what change to expect. All I can do is give it to God and wait patiently. Who came up with that word anyway? Patience! Hmph! Well, if my endless rambling did not put you to sleep, it certainly did me, so off to bed I go. Sweet dreams all, and God bless!

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Thanksgiving reflections

Thanksgiving is coming and I could not be more excited! I love Thanksgiving. I think it is my favorite holiday. Non of the commercialism, and all of the thankfulness and good cheer. I love being around friends and family for a feast and some football. I don’t really care about the football part, but my husband looks so happy watching the game and lazing with his ma and pa while the food is a cookin’. I enjoy the opportunity to just spend lazy time with loved ones. No real rush to get anywhere. I love that Thanksgiving is a relaxed day, and I don’t have to get all dressed up for the day. I can be casual and comfortable and just enjoy my blessings. I am officially thankful for Thanksgiving! While the holidays can be a stressful time financially, I have found that if you can master the art of gift giving frugally, you can enjoy every minute of them. There are many, many homemade gift ideas on the internet, and used book stores also have loads of craft ideas. Many of the popular magazines on the stands also have homemade gift ideas this time of year. Homemade stationary is almost free, and it is a very elegant gift. There are directions online for making homemade envelopes to go with it. There are many easy recipes for homemade jellies and jams, and also for homemade flavored coffees, which could easily be tossed in a cute basket with a couple of plastic spoons which have been dipped in chocolate and have a bow around them, and a couple of dollar store coffee mugs. Thrift stores are a great resource for homemade gifts. I buy glass jars there, and upcycle them at home to make some beautiful vase/candleholders. You can also find swatches of fabric at the thrift store for lots of sewn items. They are also a GREAT place to buy gift baskets for very inexpensive. Some of those baskets go for thirty or forty bucks in the store, and at a half price thrift store sale, you can find them for thirty or forty cents. The closer Thanksgiving gets, the sooner I have to start thinking about what I will be doing for folks for the holidays. I have some pretty good ideas, and most of the supplies already. My mother in law made a specific request, and that will take me a full day or two, but otherwise, I think I have it pretty under control. We are on a pretty frugal budget, and we only do gifts to those who are closest to us, and our tithing gifts. We really enjoy dropping an anonymous food box or sending a Samaritans purse gift. I only have about ten people on my list to gift for, and so, it is really not to overwhelming. Lotions, bath salts, and lip balms are all pretty easy and much appreciated gifts, which can be presented in a very elegant way if you plan wisely for a gift basket, etc. The dollar stores are a great place to find little wash rags or scrubbies to fill in, or if you are on less strict of a budget, you can find a locally made item at a local farmers market. If you have a paper shredder, you can easily make gift basket filler by shredding and crinkling used colored papers, and it is good recycling too. The end of November is going to be hectic, but December should be pretty relaxed right up till Christmas. Winter is in full swing (even though I don’t think it is technically winter yet), and I am ready for the holidays, thankful for my many blessings, and looking forward to what the new year may bring!

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Fall and Spring

Hello Everybody! It has been quite brisk the last few days, which leads me to think about my favorite seasons, Spring and Fall. Today we had blustery little snow flurries. It lasted about ten minutes and you had to be watching or you missed it! I was driving in my car, and I had an overwhelming desire to shout out, with great excitement “It’s snowing”! I realized that would be silly, as there was no one with me to share my excitement, and I don’t even ski. There is just something about the changing of these two seasons. Winter is cold, and seems to drag on forever. Summer is hot, and uncomfortable to do much, but Spring and Fall are almost always perfect! I love the seasons of change!

Today I worked with an “average” child. It is so much different than working with special needs and emotionally disturbed children. While I had an excellent time with the young lady, I really do prefer, and have a knack for the needy. Kids, animals, people…I attract them like bees to pollen! More importantly, they attract me. I am finally content knowing that all of the struggles and hardships I have endured for the last thirty seven years prepared me to be a beacon of hope and light to the less privileged. I am honored to bear responsibility like that.

I have spent endless hours praying to The Good Lord to lead me in the direction I am intended to go next. I have promised Him that I would do my best to follow His will and to try not to let my human intentions get in the way, but to please let me know blatantly if I miss the cues. In the last couple of months, I have felt called to work with kids. I am surprised to find most of these children are young, under five years old. My human mind presumed I was to work with teenaged foster boys, because it seems like no-one wants them. I was worried about finances, and letting it hold me back, and somehow, that seems to be slowly working out too, almost in a forced way! I have questioned what is next, and had such strange, yet blatant things happen. Blue Cross/ Blue Shield called me and asked me to get certified. Does that really happen? I had no idea insurance companies called random citizens and asked them to get certified. The therapist who recommended me is willing to represent me under her license until mine goes through. How cool is that? And flattering…it says a lot to me that she was willing to do that. I have never felt as appreciated in my life as I do today. I feel like the last month has made up for twenty years of trying to be good enough for someone and failing over and over again! I feel respected and valued and that is a wonderful feeling! Today I went and met my coordinator, and started the Certified Therapeutic Foster care provider program. I am really looking forward to continued evolution in my work with these children.

I also got the rest of the supplies that I need to start my stationery making project tomorrow. I will take pictures and post for you. I have high hopes. I believe that it is going to be quite rewarding. That is another thing that has started to pan out for me. I have always doubted my ability, as one person, to make enough handmade items to host a farmers market booth, but I have been keeping a bucket for finished items, and in a very short time I have created a surprising inventory. I am pleased with that and thankful for the blessing of time to work on the crafting that I so enjoy! I had the opportunity to pop into the craft store yesterday, and just happened across some two dollar grab bags that turned out to be great buys. I picked up four of them and again, feel as though I am being showered with blessings!

My sick friend has been doing well. She was tolerating her treatments exceptionally well, and then they realized that her weight had been written down wrong and that she had been receiving thirty percent less medicine than she needed. That was kind of a bummer piece of news. There was good news also though, that her appetite was a strong as ever, and that she is gaining weight. I will take that news any day! The fundraising efforts that I am managing are amazing! The love that strangers share is just wonderful! I am shocked and I would not have predicted this kind of support. I guess I am thankful to have any reason to have my faith in humankind renewed! I see so much pain, anger, and selfishness in people every day, that it is really quite pleasant to see so much love pouring out!

The more hurt I see in people, the more blatantly aware I become of the direction this world is going. It is just not natural the way we live. I will be honest, that stresses me out. I become more and more desperate for my little piece of land every day. I desire a place where I can rely on putting my hands in the dirt for most of my food, and to raising my own meat. I look forward to a slower pace of life. I realize it will be busy, but less pressurized, also. I look forward to the smell of woodsmoke in my wood-stove and the sounds of my husband chopping firewood while I bake bread or sew a quilt. I look forward to waking up before the rooster crows at sunrise, to have my quiet morning time and get breakfast and a fire started, and even though the days will be longer, they will be quieter, and more natural. I truly think that we could eliminate a lot of disease and trauma that we currently face just by getting closer to natural. I believe our relationships would be more stable and I believe that there could be generally less chaos in the world if we could all just slow down a minute and get closer to natural. You can see it in everything we do, and yet somehow we keep missing the point. We wear natural fiber clothing, and eat organic food, we recycle and we have gas prices far to high to be wasting it. We have a general consciousness of our selves telling us we need to get back to natural, and yet, somehow we keep missing it along the technology superhighway. The speed limit just keeps getting faster and faster on that superhighway, and I fear that the brakes will not hold if we continue to accelerate! We are heading towards an inevitable high speed crash, and there is some sick, twisted, irrational part of me, that can’t wait to get a little closer to natural, even if it is forced on us.

Lately, I cannot stop fantasizing about what kind of property we will be blessed with? I find myself daydreaming about log cabin walls and what kind of space we will have for a chicken coop and a pantry. I wonder will we be blessed with an awesome barn, or will that be something we have to build as we go? Will we have beautiful, rich, black soil? Or, will we have the typical Rocky soil of these mountains that takes years and years to amend? I wonder where I will find a good south facing home for my tire garden? I am so very excited for the day we know we are standing on the Rescue Ranch property.

Well, it’s past the time of night when the thermostat turns down for the evening, and my nose is cold. It is supposed to be a whopping seventeen degrees with snow tonight. That is my indication to call it a night and snuggle in warm with my hubby. Sweet dreams all, and a blessed day!

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Blog Moved!

Well, I learned how to move my blog, and it fits right in without a glitch. You can’t even tell which days were in which blog. Anyway, that being said, man it has been a long time since I have posted. I have much on my mind. The entire family has been sick. The Rescue Ranch is coming along nicely, and The fundraising efforts are also progressing nicely. I have found some really great resources online regarding small farm start-up, and have been working pretty hard on my business plan. Finances are surprising me. I have been experimenting with new recipes and preserving the harvest. I have been working on crafts for the sales aspect, and I feel as though I am being called to work with kids in a drastic way.

I found a great new site to buy beads inexpensively, and the greenhouse is awesome. I have a ton of Cherry tomatoes and pepper plants producing like crazy. Saturday is the women’s expo. I always have fun at that. Lots to write about, but I m tired, so tonight I will settle for getting the blog moved and a quick recap! Night All…

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Daydreaming

Oh it’s so late and I should be in bed, but I am in this daydreamy place and I can’t seem to get my thoughts to quit whirlin’ so I guess I am going to daydream here for a bit. It starts with just one simple thought about my new plants that just arrived, and it spirals into a web of daydreams so entangles that I can barely sort it all out. I think of a bigger greenhouse, and permanent fruit beds…..trees, bushes. I start to think about a day when I can build a hoophouse that is large enough to garden in, rather than my little, great place to start seeds early, greenhouse. Then I start thinking about how much that will cost and how to get there. That takes me to a place where I start dwelling on writing a book and making up my garden planners. Thinking of writing a book and designing my garden planners takes me back to a place where I am daydreaming about buying a home again. Its a vicious cycle. Buying a home makes me think of the wonderful garden I will have one day, and the cute little garden shed I will buy, and the larger greenhouse and sunrooms…..

Permanence. This place is temporary. I don’t think we will live here forever, and every time I plant a bush or other perennial in the ground I wonder how long we will live here, on this rented piece of property. I wonder if we will move in the spring or fall and if I will have to leave them all behind. I think of it as training time. By the time I have my little plot of owned land, I will have lots of gardening skills. This rain may never stop, and then it won’t matter anyway, cause if things keep going this way, I wont be able to garden much longer anyway. I have responsibilities that I cannot focus on because I just want want get to that place so badly. I imagine it is like when you desperately want your baby to walk, only to realize time goes to fast and you want them little again. I used to daydream about a ranch full of animals, but that dream has changed slightly. I dream of a ranch on which I can house animals in addition to doing whatever other work God chooses for me. The Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch is going to be a beautiful thing. I believe it is what God has planned for me. Unfortunately I think I have to write a book to get it and I am in no place to do that at the moment. Well, I may be, but if so, I am having a heck of a time focusing on it. I think I am supposed to write a book about shame. I have also been asked to write a book on raising children with PTSD. Oh now that is a high bar….I am feeling a little unworthy of that task, but the therapist who asked me must have had some faith in me.  I can imagine sitting on my porch in my rocker writing to my hearts content. I cannot imagine the other order. My whole life I pictured going down a road that led me to a little secluded piece of land where I could write. I never imagined writing would be the path to that piece of solitude, but recently it seems to have been presented to me that that is indeed the answer.

I don’t know how to make myself do the research. There is always something else to do. I have tried scheduling in writing times, but just cant seem to stay focused on the task at hand. Writers block….better labeled researchers block? I guess I should pray about it. I was quite focused in the beginning, but now it is hard to prioritize time for research and writing. I love to do research about all types of stuff….

I earn a little money here and there doing stuff like babysitting, but this is the first time in my life I have been a stay at home mom and dependent on someone else’s income. That is difficult for me. I have been fairly self sufficient most of my life. It is good for me to earn a little, but what I really want is to earn enough to make a difference. I have spent the last twenty years trying to figure out how to become self sufficient with my many skills. It seems as though you have to specialize in one thing to make enough money to go out and buy big houses to do God’s work, and I often feel like my crafts and writing are nothing, never gonna get me there. Other times I really think I can earn enough money doing things like creating, that will get us there slowly but surely (that is the only real way to get ahead right?). I was always taught, easy come, easy go, so I assume that I am not gonna win a lottery (I suppose you gotta play to win). I get so distracted when I start trying to figure out what to do next…

My house has taken forever to make sense of, but it is finally getting there. I have been successfully managing chores and gardening, and it gets better everyday. Now if I could just get baking, crafts, and writing in there, I would have some completeness going on, and be earning. My “new” husband and I are finally, after almost a year, learning how to live together. It has been an uphill battle but we grow closer everyday. It is amazing how different two people can be and still be so in love with each other. As each day goes by, and I get better at managing a whole family rather than just my child and I. Each day, my husband and I get better at understanding and reading each other. It even occurred to me the other day that I might want to go back to college. I have not had that thought in such a long time. It was right outta left field. I don’t think so though…not right now anyway.

I wish I could get all the things done every day that I want to. I think I need to go back to writing my nightly lists before bed so that I can focus on the next day and work through some of the projects that I have been procrastinating. I am having the hardest time focusing. I hung all the chore charts so hubby and son could help keep the house clean, but that seems to have robbed me of the precious lists that I have become so dependent on in my lifetime. I am gonna go write a list for tomorrow. ‘ Night

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Feeling Drippy

Ugh! Today is a weather day. It has been rainy and dreary here now for months…..Not to mention that last summer and the summer before were also both quite wet and dreary. If I wanted to live in the rain forest I would have moved to Washington for Pete’s sake! Our ground is so waterlogged that most of the seeds won’t even germinate, not to mention, in these mountain altitudes, when there is no sun, there is little heat. So this week we get fifty degree days and rain. I looked at the ten day forecast yesterday and Tuesday, June 14th is the next day they have predicted sun! My poor, poor peppers and tomatoes do not know what to do with all of this stinkin rain!

A couple days of clouds quickly steals the ambition right out from under me and I just want to cover my head till the sun comes out…..

Blue light receptors or something…. nonetheless, I get a bit grumpy and cynical when the sun hides for days. Oh, don’t get me wrong.  I have plenty of drive and motivation, but a complete lack of ambition and focus. I can make lists all day long of the things I want to accomplish despite the dreary weather, but when I look at them and pick a chore, I wander aimlessly around avoiding any real projects.

We have it much better than ND. Those poor folks are drowning in our runoff….. My prayers are with ya folks! We ALL want it to STOP RAINING!  Anymore it seems like all April showers bring, is more May showers, and June Showers…is it ever gonna stop?

Tomorrow is my son’s last day of school for the year. I look forward to some quality time with him this summer. The other day he told me that his best friend (who attends church with us), has decided that he believes in the Egyptian gods, and that he is sad because he really wants his friend to remember Jesus before the end comes. He is worried about missing his friend in heaven. Is that not a sweet thought from a twelve year old boy? All I can do is pray for his dear friend, and hope he finds his way back. Children are so amazing!

I can’t wait for this blog to grow into a large enough domain that I actually have a reason to make tabs, and keep track of the seasons. I sure wish the weather would dry up enough for me to go out and get some photos. I did take some of the front bed, which is going to be a perennial bed. Before pictures from last week. I have since dropped several pots of perennial herb seeds down into the soil, of which, a few have germinated. We might get a spot of sun tomorrow, I will try for some new photos of the herb pots pre growth.

Before I was a Christian, long long before, I often spent time online reading blogs about crafts, sustainable living, and gardening. It seems like I felt like I was constantly coming across Christian sustainability web pages and blogs. By this I mean web pages published or blogs maintained by Christians who are mostly or completely self sufficient. Off the grid I suppose. Now, I go looking for those blogs and I cannot find much. What’s up with that?

My boy wants meatloaf…I want to be lazy, meatloaf it is then. Funny how much you will do for your children. I take way better care of him than I do myself. I insist he eat healthy meals when I can barely stomach them (or maybe chew, can’t wait to get these stinkin teeth fixed). I insist he have a sleep routine when I cannot establish one. I insist he go to the dentist, while I myself procrastinate…. hmmm? Whats up with that?

I am the volunteer coordinator for the local Spay/Neuter task force. Three times a year we hold a local event during which we Spay/Neuter almost two hundred low-income animals for free. I live for this event. It puts some worth into my otherwise, somewhat boring life. This particular event, we happened to schedule for what appears to be vacation week. Five of my regular volunteers have called me to tell me that they will be on vacation for that week! Oh Crap!   Not quite in panic mode but not really comfortable either!

I find that i go through a cycle of feeling both blessed by where I am in life and how far I have come, and feeling quite stagnant. It really feels, sometimes, like my life is just a series of naps, chores, and snacks. I desperately wish that my husband and son would help me keep our house clean without me having to get angry or sad. Most of the time when I get angry or sad, they help me out for a day or two, and then right back to the same old routine. I clean all week, and then we trash the place on weekends. It sucks to feel like I have no real worth except to clean up and feed after my husband and son. I want to garden and craft and write a book. I want to take my dogs to the park on a routine basis. Ugh! I want some help. How many housewives feel this way? And yet, as meaningless as it all seems some days, I feel more blessed than I ever have…..Hmmm. Whats up with that?   I gotta go make meatloaf!