Today is a very cloudy, grey and overcast day. It matches my mood nicely and I am perfectly content with this weather. I have been running non-stop for days, and as a highly sensitive person, that takes a toll on me. I seem to absorb every bit of energy from everyone around me, and if they are in a particularly foul place, it has profound effects on me. I always thought I was weird, until my sons therapist handed me a book titled The Highly Sensitive Person. I cannot remember who it was by, but I do remember that first page and how It made me feel to know I was not alone in needing re-coop time after being exposed to hours of stimulation…
The last week has been non-stop go, and not only non-stop go, which in itself is exhausting, but it just feels like there is this black cloud hanging over the Earth. I feel blessed to have Jesus right beside me through it, but it is hard to enjoy being content when every person in my life is surrounded by this black cloud. September seemed like a particularly gloomy month for everyone I know. It is a lonely place…I am content, but surrounded by people who are hurting, and they all seem to want to talk to me about their hurts…the weight of all that hurt is smothering me. Thank you Lord for being with me!
I think of my sick little friend every day. Today she starts Radiation and graduates to an outpatient, and she and her family will live in a camper next to the hospital for the next six months. Ugh! I miss them so, and would love to just have a nice long chat with my best friend…how selfish is it that I just want to sit down and pour my heart out to her when all of this is going on in her life? So, I sit quietly, wondering what to do with all of these feelings that have become so overwhelming that even writing them down in my journal has become a struggle?
I finally put my garden to bed…most of it. My little greenhouse is still plugging away, as are my few cool season veggies still left out there, but I have the crafting bug and am ready to move my activities inside for a while. I am absolutely thrilled about this gray, dreary day. It is a good day to have some cocoa and do some quilting or beading. The air smells deliciously fresh and I couldn’t have asked for a better weather pattern to go with my mood. I have a quiet contentedness, but also a sense of lonesomeness and I am overwhelmed by the hurts and challenges of others.
I feel a little greedy today. I never win anything, and I usually don’t even try. I was raised under the philosophy easy come, easy go, and I just take it for granted that if I didn’t earn it, I am not going to get it. I rarely register for drawings and other win me type events, but at the bead show I went to this weekend, I registered for a door prize. I keep hoping I will win, but I feel like that is a pretty lame thing to hope for. I would LOVE a big bag of beads to show up in my mailbox right about now… The fact that I can’t quit thinking…maybe just this once I will win something, makes me wonder why this particular drawing is so important? I don’t dwell on things like that…what is going on with me? I can chalk it up to a few things…desperation to get some new supplies and make some items to sell, maybe I have not been feeling very noticed lately, even though I have been busting my butt for everyone I know, and I want to feel less invisible…recognized in a way I guess. I don’t know, I just know I am spending more time wishing on this silly basket of beads than is typical for me.
My mom ordered me a couple of subscriptions to some good magazines and I am anxious for them to get here as well….
I have been filling you with a bunch of random thoughts lately as I struggle to get back on track after the last couple of weeks. I have not been posting about my gardening and baking and preserving adventures. I have not been focusing on the things I mean to focus on and I long to get back in the groove of things. I am happy to have my garden put to bed and be able to focus on the artsy crafty part of my life as the coming days cool off. I have been keeping my camera handy and taking pictures of things as I do them, like fruit leather and apple dumplings, so that I can share them here. I just need some uninterrupted time to do so.
And now I have another venter…one more person that just needs someone to talk to and I seem to be the only one they can relate to. I should take it as a compliment everyone seems to relate so well to me…it just seems they only relate when they need ears…I need someone to relate to and she is really busy right now.
Its funny how people think that because you stay home you have no commitments. I still have plenty of work to do, I just don’t really get paid to do it. It seems as though people who work would realize that there are times of day when you just can’t talk. If I don’t want last minute phone calls for people needing a sitter or help with something or just to vent, it is not a normal day. Lately, I am feeling like I should be focusing on the Ranch, but I can’t get people to get it through their heads that I am WORKING. Writing a business plan is work…despite what anyone else may think. Crafting and sewing take time and focus and I intend for that to be where I start making money to buy this ranch.
It is nice to sit down and spill some thoughts for you but now I must get back to my productivity. I hope you all have a blessed day…until next time.---here---