Cycles

Today I feel a little reclusive. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I am in a great mood, and have had a wonderful day, accomplinshing a bead organizing project I have been looking forward to doing for months now, and FINALLY, I spent a day wrapping it up. Nice feeling for sure. The problem I am having with reclusiveness stems from watching two people I am close to put themselves through the same cycles of abuse over and over again, and I just want to shake them and say…”can’t you see how stupid you are being?” I have had way to many years of therapy though, to do that. I know better, and I know that to do so I would be “shoulding all over them”. What do you say when someone is clearly using weak excuses to justify a behavior that, well, they obviously need to justify. I feel that if they need to justify the behavior, then somewhere in them they know its wrong. I am left with asking some introspective questions, and hoping they will be pondered upon…but I don’t think it did any good. the other situation is just plain hideous. A person I know who wants to try to fix a failing marriage through immoral behavior, only this person I am more blunt with, and I was able to at least really express to her how messed up the thought she expressed to me was. I think she will still act on the idea, but she will just not tell me. Fine with me, I really have no interest in “shoulding on” anyone. I don’t want to hear her crying when it doesn’t work out, and acting all confused about why it didn’t work. That is one of the most troubled people I know, asking me for advice, then ignoring me or blowing me off, or giving me weak excuses, when I offer advice. Why ask if you don’t wanna hear the truth anyway? If you are not going to act on any advice, is it that you just wanna whine? I guess the part of me that deals with people is feeling intolerant, but, accepting of others. I love the “should all over” rule. A great therapist once taught me that I would be a lot happier if I quit “shoulding all over” myself and others. In other words, instead of thinking people should behave like I would, I give them the benefit of the doubt. It works like a champ, and my level of compassion has really grown tremendously with that skill too. After all, no one will ever behave the same ways I would all of the time, and as long as I spend my time being upset at someone else’s behavior, I am stealing precious time for happiness and gratitude from myself. If I see a guy with no blinker, I don’t get irritated that he didn’t use his blinker, I assume his daughter was just in a car accident and he is just trying to get to the hospital as fast as he can. When I think I “should”
have done something different, I remember that the event has passed, I didn’t do it that way, and that is the plain fact. Nothing I can do about it now, so move forward. One of the most useful tools I ever found, in my quest for simple joy and happiness, was the understanding of what it does to ME when I “should all over myself and others”. Well, it makes me more compassionate, and easier to get along with. I am better at validating people and well, generally happier, however, on days like today, I find it is best to just keep to myself. Rather than argue with people about decisions they are making for themselves, I spent my day sorting and organizing all of my beads. It was a nice day. I have had a ton of Grey’s Anatomy episodes piling up in the DVR, and I finally sat down and watched them, all. I swear I organized beads and had a TV marathon all day today, and I loved it. Most days, I turn the computer on around five am. Today, I didn’t go near the thing till after ten pm, and I loved it. I would go stir crazy if I spent every day isolated like I did today, but it sure was nice for a day.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the weekend. My client comes tomorrow, and then a rummage sale for my friend with cancer. My sister is also graduating on the same day as the fundraiser, but far away in another state, and is only allowed to take two family members to her graduation anyway. Sunday is, well, Sunday, and I believe that hubby will be taking off to work far away on the road for a while again. Its hard when he is far away, but almost harder when he is close by, because he has to commute two hours every day, and that makes for disruptive schedules, early mornings and late dinners…too late. Especially when we have no idea when he will be arriving, until two hours before the fact. Some nights its seven, and other nights its ten thirty. Ugh! It will be weird if he leaves this weekend though, he has been around for about a month…getting used to it. It is nice to have him around…

I have slowly been getting back into the swing of things. I am looking forward to a productive day tomorrow, and even through my tv and bead marathon, I got quiet a few chores done today as well. I look forward to doing dishes without pain, and PT not being the highlight of my day, but meanwhile, I am quite thankful for the ability to function at the level I am. Well, I could chat all night, but my battery is blinking at me…time to plug in. Have a blessed evening friends…until next time.