Getting a grip

Good morning friends. It is a fabulously beautiful Monday morning, and I am quite happy to be here. For the last several weeks, I have been thrilled to be released from that period of rest, but I have been struggling to find good ole me. I have had this cloud hanging over me, and I have been fighting it with all I have, but I am afraid I just can’t get it to clear. I miss my happy, hopeful, see the best in everything attitude. Today is the day I have been looking forward to for weeks, because today I get some down time. This week, I get some down time, as far as I can tell. I really, desperately, want to use that down time to get myself focused, back on track, and back into the habits and behaviors that lift me up. I wrote a very long prayer in my journal last night, asking for help, because I have been trying to pick myself back up for weeks now, and clearly I am not strong enough alone. I feel ashamed of the way I have been behaving, especially my rotten mouth! I cringe as the ugly words come out, knowing that I am offending my wonderful Father and creator, and yet, I cannot seem to stop them. I want to make Him proud. I always know He loves me no matter how ugly I might behave, but dang, I don’t want to disappoint Him, and I know I have this month, for sure! Oh Father! I am so, so sorry for my ugliness! Please help me to be strong and resist it!

Today I hope to take back my self. The girl who is proud to serve her Father and really cares what He thinks. I have been an impatient, snarly, intolerant beast for weeks now, and I desperately want that kind, compassionate, caring girl to return. I have no idea where she has gone, but I miss her! I think that the biggest piece of fixing this is going to be finding the missing routine. Since the day my rest ended, I have struggled to establish that routine, and I think that is the key. My house is messy, my thoughts are scattered, and my sleep and eating schedules are…wait, what schedules……   I truly believe that I will be a much nicer, more tolerant, and generally nicer person to be around, if I can figure out how to get that back on track. Meanwhile, I want to hole myself up in my home, so that no one else has to be exposed to this woman that I don’t even enjoy being around. The other day someone told me my aura was shining bright white all around me. All I could think is…I am so unsettled these days, that can’t be good. SO I came home and looked it up. Lo and behold, white is a sign of chaos or sickness. It is a sign of unbalance…go figure. I felt validated at least. It is not my imagination that I feel so incredibly out of tune. I have some pilates and tai chi routines I want to get started in, and I think that it would help me tremendously to be getting up at five am again, and doing these routines before I start my day, but I haven’t gotten up that early since school got out. I am really looking forward to school for that one simple reason. Routine. I get so tired and exhausted with the sleep disorders really keeping me from getting enough sleep during the school year, but at least we  have a routine and something to gauge “normal” by.

This unending heat has not helped me either. I am an HSP (highly sensitive personality), and I don’t like extremes! I don’t enjoy twenty below any more than I enjoy a hundred degrees. I want the extremes to end. I live in a mountainous climate because I enjoy the mild summers they bring. This hundred degrees for six weeks business is a bit more than I can handle. At least when it is cold, I can stay inside or put on more clothes. In the heat, there is no relief. It is most certainly contributing to my anger. I feel like there is anger in me, and I guess if you put together hot and anger, well, it makes sense. Days when it is gray and cloudy and even a bit rainy, I am smiley, happy, productive. I really do not enjoy high heat! Neither does my garden.

My garden is so sad. Nothing grows when it is this hot. My tomatoes are stressed and my cucumbers keep making female flowers, but the males aren’t opening up…frowny face. Raspberries, however, are ripening faster than we can pick them! Always a blessing!

Today, I hope to begin to reclaim myself, to get back on track. To start the process of getting a grip. Wish me luck friends. Help me find my mojo again! Many blessings to all…

Until next time.