It’s been too long
So here I sit, longing to fill you all in on where I have been the last few weeks, and well, all I can say for myself is “it was the holidays, give me a break”. Honestly, my cat keeps walking across my keyboard, and I am not sure how much I will be able to update you today either. I just started my new Beth Moore Bible Study and I am so ecstatic. I just love listening to that woman. I have successfully accomplished my goal of getting ahead of my home before the New Year came, and I have been fairly good about keeping up with my routine ever since. I can happily say my house is clean enough that I can maintain it every day…the whole thing. Recent events have led me to wonder what’s next. It appears we are staring down the barrel of a gun loaded with change, and I am in a perfect place to sit back, realize I have no control, and have faith in Him to do what He does. It’s a scary place, the giving up of oneself, and the desire to fret a situation that I cannot control, but the peace that comes with the action is so incredibly worth learning the skill for. I love that in the midst of what appears to be a fairly large catastrophe in our lives, I can sit back and say that I know it is going to be ok, that it will probably even be better, and that I imagine this is happening to precipitate a change or make something great happen. All I know for sure is that from every negative situation, a positive stems in the aftermath, and that He has a plan. I don’t have to understand it, I just have to trust it. I feel so blessed that I was blessed with the ability to let go when things are out of my control. It seems the little stuff gets me more than the big stuff does, and with years, I have learned how to take the little stuff with stride. Still, when tragedy occurs and the calm and trust kicks in, I am so very, very thankful that He chose that particular quality as one of my blessings. As I grow in my Christianity, it burdens me how few people comprehend unconditional love. I do not take it for granted that He will always love me, but I do know it to the very depths of my spirit and soul. Every single cell I have knows that no matter what I do, He will love me. I have come to realize that this is not a feeling that everyone understands intrinsically. I truly wish that there was a person whom I was just completely comfortable talking to about my thoughts and feelings about our dear Saviour, and there is, but she is busy…far away dealing with her own tragedy. She is not a Christian woman, but I really believe He is working hard on her heart and that it is only a matter of time. She openly listens to me and discusses philosophies with me, and when I get to something she struggles with or has questions about she asks. She is not defensive, and she presents challenges that I must carefully consider before answering. Sometimes I even have to say, let me do some checking into that and get back to you, but she has mature rational conversations with me about the Bible, and Christianity. Sure, there are lots of ladies at Bible study, but I do not have a connection with a single one of them that lets me discuss freely and openly from a heartfelt place what I really think about some things. I have a strong desire to have a close “Bible Study Buddy”. I have tried to reach out a couple of times, but I always end up failing to make that close connection I need to really let my guard down and share some perspective I have. People I looked up to have made comments that have just crushed me, and others have been hard to break the ice with. I feel warm, welcome, and like family among the congregation at my church, but I have yet to find someone I connect with on a spiritual level. I feel like there is a girl I am called to seek a friendship with, but I am not sure how to do that. Don’t get me wrong. I believe that the ladies that I study with are very spiritual women, every single one of them, but I feel very disconnected in that I don’t feel I can relate to any of them on an individual basis. Lately, I have considered seeking a new group once in a while to study with, so I can branch out and maybe find that connection I am looking for. I am thankful that in the midst of my own tragedy, I am blessed with the ability to see Jesus in everything I do. I turn on the tv and Beth Moore is lifting me up. I call a friend and she is searching her house for the Baby Jesus that her daughter, and my special friend, is obsessed with. In His own little ways, he gently reminds me that I am not alone. He will walk beside me, and even carry me if need be. Oh how I long for a woman who can sit beside me over a cup of tea and a Bible Study book, and appreciate the beauty of that in its full glory with me.
I have been in a quiet place of contemplation over the place we are in the world today. I feel pressure to get the Rescue Ranch off the ground and running, while knowing that it is out of my control and I have to let Him work through me, in His time, at His pace. spend a lot of time in deep deliberation about the pace of life we know today. I wonder what effect the additives in our food, the loss of mom’s at home, and the lack of time with family is doing to us. I wonder how far this increased disease, famine, tragedy, and disaster will go before He returns. I wonder how long until our Government dissolves and we turn to a world ruler, like NATO. I wonder how many people are aware that we are in a state of martial law. How many American’s are aware that at this very moment, the government has a right to come into your home and take you away to jail without any cause for search or seizure, and no due process, and I desperately wish to discuss that with someone who understands the gravity of that situation. All they have to do is say they suspect you of terrorist activities. No due process…no rights. Before I was saved, I read a series of books by a Native American author. Much of what she had to say made sense to me because I saw it going on in the world around me, although she could not have known prior to writing the books. Many years later, I became a Christian, and took a Beth Moore Revelations Bible Study. That study told me the exact same things that the Native American author was saying. I see revelations around me, the exact same way I saw what that author was saying, and it makes my head spin. I would just like to process some of these feelings out loud to someone who can bounce some ideas back off of me. I love the way my girlfriend questions me when I bring up points to her, but now my computer is beeping dead battery at me, so I better finish this thought another time…sleep well, my friends.