So many words, so little time!
I am just in the mood to write today. Church was excellent, as usual. I really enjoy my church. My son told me the other day that he wanted to be a Pastor or a Scientist. What he would really like to do is become a missionary, but that is scary and dangerous. I thought it was pretty cute. He really loves helping to teach the children in the children’s church on Sundays. I can see him being called to share God’s word. I have been lucky to be so blessed. I have been lucky to see those blessings, when other people are blind to them. I thank God for that! Lately, it feels like people all around me are ready to tell me how much they appreciate and enjoy me. I mean no pride here…just bear with me. I spent the first thirty-five years of my life telling myself that life is about balance, and that without negatives, there would be no positives. I Convinced myself that people who had great childhoods, had extreme challenges in adulthood, people with awful childhoods come to a place of greatness in their adulthood, and some people just have an average amount of ups and downs their whole lives. Well, I have found a few flaws with this theory, as many people with disadvantaged childhoods grow up to sustain a cycle of disadvantage, as it is all they have ever known. Also, I believe that as the world becomes less and less natural in its pursuance of life, the scales of balance tip a little more everyday. I guess, I am trying to say, without being a doomsayer, that I believe that the end times will come sooner or later, and that inevitably, there will not be balance. However, the point I am getting to here, is that maybe I believed it for so long, I subconsciously willed it to be appear that way. I had a hard childhood. I stayed positive, by telling myself that a hard childhood meant a great adulthood, and to just hang in there. Well, adulthood was off to a rough start. I was starting to doubt my theory, and well, it was looking like I was just meant for a life a hardship and trauma. I sit back today, and look where adulthood is taking me, and I am pretty excited. I feel like I am surrounded by blessings. They are all around me. I am also surrounded by people who cannot see their blessings, and that causes me some trouble. I don’t know what to do with all these wonderful, thankful, thoughts. It seems no one wants to hear the positive side of the story. Even my son can pull positives out of some pretty negative junk. Getting bullied on the school bus led to two days of me calling parents and administrators, and the thing he said to me when it was all said and done was, “Mom, I think it’s a good thing I was bullied, look how many people are watching out for me now.” Ah, the intelligence of a child far surpasses that of many of the adults he is surrounded by day in and day out. I feel blessed to have such a wise little child. Today my blessings lie in understanding. I am thankful for tidbits of understanding that I have been given that I don’t see prevalently around me. I have had a knack for simple understanding when I was a young girl, and far before I realized that it was a gift. I feel called to lead people. It is crazy and I don’t know what to do with it. I understand shame, and the hurts we have as children, and how they impact us as adults. I have an enormous amount of compassion, and I want to teach other people how to have compassion as well. I understand basic human behavior, and I see logical, moral solutions to everyday problems that people don’t seem to grasp after hours and hours of study. I want to make a difference in the world, and back to my point about balance, I feel like my time is here. I feel like the Lord builds me up in tiny ways every day, further preparing me for me journey on the Rescue Ranch. The last few days, or weeks, I feel as though He has rapidly progressed the building up progress and I feel ready to do His will. Every day people remind me that I am important, that I have gifts and skills to offer to this community. Every day something happens to remind me that I am here to do God’s will. He surprises me with answers to prayers that I am not even aware are being answered till I sit back and look at my day and say “Wow! Look what happened today!” I cannot imagine how I am going to secure land, or a home to live in, for this Rescue project, but I have faith that is will happen somehow. At this point in time, I would not be surprised if God just dropped a piece of land, with a big ole house and a nice barn, and maybe even a structure to turn into a community center, right in my lap. Now don;t get me wrong. I don’t believe anything comes for free. I am not a lottery player and was raised of the opinion, easy come, easy go. However, I also know I have put in some long, hard hours to get where I am at. Nothing about it has been easy, and God never fails to surprise me when I least expect it. God is good! God is great! It was only a few weeks ago that I doubted my finances, and today, I sit back and look at all of the little opportunities coming my way and I am thrilled. I don’t have some huge source of income, but I do have a bunch of little sources, and they add up. In just a months time, my financial future has taken a whole new turn. I am thankful for the Dave Ramsey finance class that I took, and I hope to be able to offer it at the Rescue Ranch, at least a couple times a year. It has changed my life. I no longer have a desire to spend money I don’t have. It is not even self discipline, the desire is just gone. Thank you Dave Ramsey. I feel God pushing me in all the directions I need to go to get to the ranch, and it seems so blatant and obvious (which is just what I asked Him for). It seems that every day this week I have had news of twenty or thirty dollars a week my income will go up. That may seem like pennies to you, but to me, that is a great opportunity for savings! I am having trouble figuring out how to structure the ranch, and therefore, must get help from an outside source. I am going to call SCORE and see if I can get some help with structuring this business. I desperately want to get the business plan done, but I get so hung up in structure. I was getting hung up on finances, but God made those clearer for me, so now I move on to structure. How do I structure a business that is both non-profit, and for profit? I need to meet with a financial person. I have a couple of options. I think my best bet is through the church. We have a financial adviser there whom I am pretty close with, and I think he might be able to help me put it in perspective. I believe I will try SCORE first. I cannot find words to describe the desperation I feel. Everywhere I go, I see a need for the services I think I will be providing. I am aware of people’s foundations more than ever, and when I see someone falling, I want to go to them and lift them up. A kind word is great, but sometimes it would be nice if I could take some action. Lead and teach by example. I want to show them that I am a perfect example of how things can be great even when they started from a terrible place. I want to help them overcome the shame in their lives that they don’t even know they own. You can’t do that in a five minute conversation. You needs days, and weeks, to demonstrate that it is simple things that bring happiness. It is hard to tell someone they only have to be good enough for God, but not so hard to show them, given ample time. I am desperate for land. Desperate enough to beg someone to just hear me out and let me try. I don’t have anyone to beg, and that is probably a good thing. I am sure if I was meant to beg it would be obvious. I feel very impatient though, as the world gets more and more hectic, and I see more and more people getting sucked up in it, I feel impatient and desperate, to start my work for real. The truth is I have started my work. I have been doing it for years, and I accept that. I guess I am really impatient to move forward in to a permanent place where I can put down some effective foundations for real community-wide work. I want to be making a bigger difference in a more established environment! I must remind myself that The Lord only puts on our plate what we can handle. I am sure that is true in good and in bad times, but I want it now! ( Picture big fat temper tantrum, with a smile, here). I know The Lord will provide for me when the time is right. Meanwhile, I am gonna keep working my butt off so He can see how willing I am to do all I can to help Him. I suppose that is my cue to go and be productive. May you all have as many blessings as I do!