Today was a rough day for me folks. I have been hiding in that place HSP’s go when they start to think that no one understands them. I have been holding it together for quite a few days now, but very short in the patience category. Today, I lost it on my husband over a stinkin Costco card. I just melted to tears and let it all out. Poor guy! It opened a floodgate though, and led to some serious processing. I ran like a crazy lady all day, which can test my patience on a hot day anyway, add being overwhelmed and bottling up some “I don’t know what”. Oh goodness…
I stopped at the grocery store on my way to my sons martial arts class. I grabbed a notebook, and I sat in that class and wrote it all out. It spilled like a broken dam, and I figured it out pretty quickly. I feel invisible, like no one gets it. That is a classic HSP feeling, but what triggered that emotion? I have learned what I need, and I meet those needs, so why the sudden breakdown? I found, through my writing, that I put my guard way up when I was on vacation. That I ran into situations I was unfamiliar with, or that made me feel vulnerable, and I put up that wall of safety, the one that doesn’t let others in, and keeps all the little details to myself. I came home to my safe place, but I never tore that wall down. I have a good reason though.
Everyone around me is in turmoil of some sort. Its crazy really, I feel kinda bad being all stable and happy and stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy that blessing very much, and it is not something I have had a lot of, so I really don’t take it for granted. The point I am trying to make is that my details seem trivial compared to those of the folks who turn to me, the ones whom I spend my time with. I cannot, in good conscience, expect my best friend listen to me go on about my abscessed tooth or raging headache, all the while, remembering her situation…its just trivial, and so, I went about my days, for the last couple weeks, not talking about the details, not processing the little, tiny, minute, immaterial, and yet, real, details. Everyone seems to have big uglies, how can I express my worry over such silly little things…and so, today, a flood of emotions, from the silly little things overflowing. I sat and wrote in that notebook about feeling alone, neglected…wrote it out, recognized the HSP in me and the cause of the emotional outpour.
I also remembered what I learned about those behaviors, the survivor behaviors, and how I don’t need them anymore, that they are meant to be temporary, a SURVIVAL mechanism, and not for living everyday life. Way too much cortisone being produced when you live in a state of surviving for too long. Those tools are meant to protect in a dangerous situation, and to be put away in times of safety. Well, I pulled out the trust and safety wall when I was on vacation, I remember the moment it came out even, but what I forgot, was to put it away when I got back to the safety of my home. I forgot that I was not vulnerable here, and that I do not have to keep that wall up. When I pull out the tools of survival, I pull out the emotions and behaviors of survival. It was a productive writing session. Driving home, I turned and looked at the most gorgeous and perfect sunset ever. It was halfway in the sky, and the most gorgeous deep purple on the bottom, bright reds in the middle, and golden and white rays reaching to the Heavens through the golden top, and at that moment, all I could hear, was a gentle, corrective word. It could only have been from God, and it was simply a question. Lonely? Almost like… disappointment mixed with the most peaceful reassurance. All at once, those golden rays turned to God’s outstretched hand, reaching for me, keeping me safe, understanding me, making sure that I KNEW I was not alone. Those old feelings, dug up from a time long past, brought out some raw emotions. I am glad I have them when I need them, and hope that next time, I remember to put them away when I am done with them, remember all I have learned in this place. The minute I tore the wall down, my Fathers hand was right there. It was there the whole time, I just couldn’t see past the wall that I was not alone, am not EVER alone. Oh Thank you Father, for bringing me home, and reminding me that I do indeed have a safe place, and someone who always understands me!
My dear friends, always remember, you are not alone…
until next time, many blessings!